Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

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I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

1. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

Whoever is most at fault, you're making it really hard for yourselves. If dh is going to be late I'll either cook a pasta and eat when I normally do and save him some to be reheated or he'll call me when he's almost home and I'll get him beans on toast. He does the same for me unless I make a judgement call and say I'll grab something on my way back instead. But I probably also would have let him know as soon as I knew when my course would finish. Tbh if it didn't finish till 8 and there was a 2.5 hour journey on top of have just told him not to bother with dinner - who wants to eat at 10.30pm? It wouldn't be a big deal either way. But then dh and I speak regularly when either of us is away for whatever reason - we have a 4yo ds so communication is fairly crucial.

Relationships aren't about having the moral high ground, though. He made her out to be a total arse when she'd done nothing wrong. She told him about the course, how she didn't know what time it would finish. All he had to do was wait until 8.10 when she told him she'd finished. He had all the information he needed.

His reaction was to treat her like she'd done something hugely wrong and that her punishment was that her dinner was going in the bin. Then, when she tried to appeal to him he ignored her text after text. How would you feel after that sort of exasperating bullshit after a long training course miles from home?

To top it all off, when she got home he would not allow her to have her say, smiled and ignored her. I can see why she was boiling with rage at that point. Then he gets all the apologies in the morning because of her behaviour, when all along it sounds like he was orchestrating it.

To top it all off, when she got home he would not allow her to have her say, smiled and ignored her

Maybe he was trying to defuse the situation as the OP 'loses it' I used to try to defuse situations too.

I used to get yelled at like this and I can tell you it really isn't nice.

I think you just don't sound very well suited to each other. It certainly doesn't sound like a relationship to bring children into, you communicate by screaming until your throat is sore and he doesn't communicate at all. In fact I would say you both need to sort these issues out individually whether you stay together or not. These behaviours are verging on abusive, if not actually abusive. If my DH shouted at me like this, I would leave. Seriously. It's horrible behaviour on both your parts.

I have to say though "And yes, he does get miffed when I spend time with my male colleagues" is a massive alarm bell for me and I would have no truck at all with someone who thought like that.

You don't sound that good together and you both need to learn to communicate other this relationship (and every other relationship) you have will be this stressful and eventually flounder.

I can see why she was boiling with rage at that point

If you are 'boiling with rage' then you need to find a way to calm down not yell so load your throat hurts 12 hours later!

I think both of you sound hard work to be honest.

He taught her a valuable lesson about how things will be if she persists in this job with these men.

So did I nottoday, but not after I'd spent most of the evening trying to cause a row over cooking a quick and easy dinner for someone when I knew they'd be late home. And when he lost the plot, I would be hiding in another room crying, not smiling wryly.

Oh for goodness sake stop over reacting! You had a row, you're both to blame and I'm sure if you just get home and give each other a kiss and a cuddle you'll be back to normal. Life isn't all sweetness and light just grow up, apologise to each other and move on!

So did I nottoday, but not after I'd spent most of the evening trying to cause a row over cooking a quick and easy dinner for someone when I knew they'd be late home. And when he lost the plot, I would be hiding in another room crying, not smiling wryly.

I agree. However we only have the OPs 'side of the story'

True. It just rings a few bells of being blamed for things that aren't your fault.

Maybe what I'm thinking is that he should have reacted more like:
'You've only just finished? That was a long day! You must be knackered. I've made a lovely quiche, I'll warm it up for you when you get in - how long will you be?'

He taught her a valuable lesson about how things will be if she persists in this job with these men this relationship

Corrected for clarity ;)

Maybe what I'm thinking is that he should have reacted more like:
'You've only just finished? That was a long day! You must be knackered. I've made a lovely quiche, I'll warm it up for you when you get in - how long will you be?'

I get what you are saying, but if you are that boiling with rage that you scream like a banshee and cause a sore throat I honestly don't think whatever he had done when OP got home would have made a difference.

Over the years I tried many different 'tactics' all led to the same result.

It sounds like he chose the absolute wrong day to act like a bell end tbh.

We all have days when we are unreasonable, he just happened to choose a day when the effects would be felt a great deal more than otherwise.

DH often has last minute meetings crop up, has to commute away, doesn't always know what time he will be home. Granted, the frequency of it does mean I'm used to it so it doesn't phase me. I get annoyed if he doesn't text me to tell me he's on the train home so that I can pop dinner in the oven for him, but he's the one who has to either scrounge around for something to eat quickly or wait till it cooks/warms up so the effect of not texting is felt by him, not me. What's the point in ME getting upset about it?

Next time you are in a similar situation tell him not to be a so bloody rigid with your meal, and to prepare something that you can either quickly warm up in the microwave of that will keep for the next day (which this meal could anyway, which proves even MORE that he was just being a mardy arse).

And NO, you were not at fault for not texting from the course. Sometimes things should just be left ad hoc, this was one of them. He didn't NEED to know all the details. There was no follow on consequence of you not being at home at a certain time (eg babysitter needed if you had children and he needed to get somewhere). But DH and I do tend to say, 'I'm not sure, you'll hear from me when you hear from me'. Absolutely no point in trying to guarantee you'll text from a venue where you are likely to be busy, and caught up in the fun/activities.

He threatened to put a piece of quiche in the bin because his wife wasn't there to eat it at exactly the time he preferred.

Seriously.

How could anybody not lose their shit at such controlling pettiness from someone who gets his dinner cooked every night by the person he's stropping at?

I have to say the main thing I'm currently wondering about is what the OP's job is - sounds fun whatever it is?!

Everyone is passive aggressive sometimes. Sometimes without even realising it.

OP, I'd put it down to one of those crazy days and you might well laugh about it in future.

I've had it happen to me, though differently - last Christmas. It was the day the children finished school for the Christmas break, so I'd gone to church with them (church school) for the Christingle service, which is boring, and bullshit, because its church (yes I know I chose to send them there etc etc) and I'd turned up early to get a seat and frozen my tits off sitting in a church colder than a fridge, got a numb bum etc. But I had this idea that I'd do a cracking dinner for everyone to kick off the festive season. So I put a gammon on to roast, with roast potatoes, parsley sauce, peas, etc etc, and made a sticky date pudding from scratch which was in the steamer. I had my playlist of super christmassy cheesy songs that the kids like on the stereo in the kitchen, and the kids were all excited.

It got to about 6pm (he's usually home around 7pm) and I texted him to say "let me know what train you are on sweeetie, so I can time dinner). I didn't hear from him. Very unusual, he's normally on a train by then or about to leave so he can predict a train. I waited. And waited. The kids kept asking when dinner was - they were starving. I finally heard from him at 7:45 - "sorry was in pub, will be on 8pm train". Which means he wouldn't walk through the door till 9pm. So I fed the kids, put them to bed, switched off the stereo, made up a plate for him which I left on the kitchen table and went to bed with a bottle of wine.

So he walks through the door and I was perfectly pleasant but slightly distant (it seems passive aggressive, and it is, but it was all I could muster at that point). I muttered that his dinner was on the kitchen table. It wasn't till he went through there and saw what I nice dinner it was, and the pile of dishes in the utility room awaiting the next dishwasher load, that he realised what an effort I'd made and what he'd missed.

He felt really bad but in honesty we'd both been guilty of miscommunication. He didn't know that he wasn't to be getting something shoved in the oven from the freezer that wasn't worth rushing for, and I didn't know he was planning to go to the pub (I would add that he seldom goes to the pub after work - its a long commute and a long day and he generally just wants to get home and see us - but it was that last day before Christmas thing so he went along with it anyway). Ideally, I would have texted him in the afternoon saying I was planning a special dinner, and ideally, he would have texted me saying he was going to the pub. I could have put the dinner off till the following evening easily enough. It wasn't about the dinner really, it was that "its now the holidays" atmosphere I was trying to create which fell dead on its arse.

Not the same thing as what happened to you guys last night but you can feel a bit used when you do dinner and don't hear from the person. But he had plenty of information to go on last night, so he jumped the gun a bit, possibly felt foolish, and turned it back on you.

Anyway hopefully just one of those crazy nights, put it behind you

I think you sound awful actually OP and I'm surprised so many people have taken your side.

he baited me
if he had sat down and talked like I wanted I wouldn't have screamed at him
my throat is sore from screaming

If a man had written this about his wife people would be up in arms. You are blaming him for goading you and for your complete loss of control. People handle conflict differently and you cannot force your DH to want to sit down and talk to you, when the alternative option is you screaming yourself hoarse because you feel hormonal. Sorry you have such a tough time with PMT but that is fully your responsibility to sort out and control, not DH's to dodge and avoid 'baiting' you when you are hormonal. It wouldn't be acceptable the other way round if he said 'I have anger issues which she knows about and she shouldn't provoke me', would it?

Also fail to see any relevance in the gender of the group of people on your training course, most of my team are male, I don't find this any more difficult than working with women and certainly wouldn't find it a reason to behave like a 'banshee' when I got home, my DH would also find it completely bizarre if I used that as an excuse.

I think you have a big apology to make. The initial thoughtlessness on both sides has been completely superceded by your appalling behaviour.

But in my case, its almost an illness. I can feel drugged when I'm pre menstrual, my reactions are TOTALLY different.

FWIW I have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and have ended up in hospital through suicidal ideation, acting out extreme rage and psychotic behaviour at that time of the month. I'm on the combined pill purely for hormonal control now which work brilliantly, might be worth checking in with your GP and seeing if you have the same issue?

Sounds like you both have apologies to make, tbh.

why does being the only female in the group matter? You are presumably an adult.

why are you screaming like a banshee? If this is a hormonal thing every month, seek treatment.

why does he need you to contact him so frequently? How did you cope before mobile phones?

why is he whinging because you had a long day at work?

what a pair. Doesn't sound a happy situation at all.

I'm not sure how the whole thing got blown out of all proportion.

DH shouldn't have got all sarky about putting your dinner in the bin. But you could have text him earlier in the day with an updated ETA once you knew the curse finish time. Also you didn't need to get so cross and shouty and scream about the whole thing.

He was doing something nice why because he is a man and he cooked dinner

He cooked dinner for you after you have been training all day isn't what is just done for your partner if they are the one home first

He is being unreasonable

dons hard hat

I understand what you all are saying re being passive aggressive and a bit whiny, BUT as the person who always cooks here and often is waiting for someone who didnt text / just stopped off for a quick drink / quick bite etc etc......

I am struggling to empathise with you OP sorry. There have been times when I cant wait for my DH to get home because i have had a long/crap day/ hard time putting toddler to bed - whatever - but I try to rally and make a nice meal and it really sucks when someone "forgets to text". It feels really thoughtless and ungrateful.

Just my humble opinion.

he baited me
if he had sat down and talked like I wanted I wouldn't have screamed at him*
my throat is sore from screaming

That to me is controlling behaviour.