Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

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I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

1. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

I don't see what you did wrong,

You said the course would finish at 5 or 8 and would be out of range til then. You then texted at 8.10 which is perfectly fine to me.

He then texted you nasty messages when out with work colleagues, doing something beyond your control!

This is really about you going out to work and out with men, because any normal person would have put the food in the fridge and texted 'sounds exhausting, see you later then' and left it!

The days of everyone sitting down at 6 to eat are over, you were on a course!

As for the person who said he did a nice thing, not really, he heated a quiche. Even if he'd cooked a gourmet dinner, the most important thing was that you got on ok on the course, and that you were back safe and sound, not that his quiche was eaten (at a totally unrealistic time anyway).

I think you're both at fault really but him more than you, he needs to listen in future rather than assuming or forgetting when you'll be home.

I think the point you were UR was not texting when you got the burger. That can't just be put down to forgetting.
If at that point you'd texted something along the line of "just stopped for food. Don't wait up" he'd probably calmly put your dinner in the fridge and sympathised with you for a long day.
Not telling him you wouldn't need food meant he felt you hadn't even thought about letting him know.

Not quite on topic, but the OP states "but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?"

I admit I don't always get when people are being PA, so can someone explain how the OP's DH was being PA?

I'm a bit puzzled at your partner's over-reaction. When people have children and complicated evenings - kids being delivered to/picked up from activities - changes of plans and misunderstandings have some knock-on effect. For example, children aren't fed or picked up late.

But for a couple of independent adults to get so upset - in particular for the one who wasn't on a training course and having to cope with/fit in with colleagues - suggests there is other stuff going on in the relationship.

I hate food being wasted. Even if your partner had got too fixed on the idea of you having supper together, I'd feel disturbed about good food being chucked in the bin. It feels aggressive and destructive.

I'm not puzzled at all, and yes, there are definitely other things going on in the relationship.

Ah a stupid fight ..... DH and I have had our fair share. I remember apologising about a similar 50/50 argument. Not really meaning the apology but just to make up and so I say 'I am sorry' and what does the fecker reply with, no not 'I am sorry too' but fecking 'thank you' now that caused a row.

He sounds vile. Passive aggressive and a massive overreaction. Why on earth make you dinner when he didn't know when you'd be back? He could have texted you to ask, he didn't. I suspect he made you dinner so you'd be in the wrong for not eating it.

Can you imagine if this had been a woman posting about her DH?

How many "hes a vile pig, ltb" would have ammassed on the thread?

I think the point you were UR was not texting when you got the burger. That can't just be put down to forgetting.

If at that point you'd texted something along the line of "just stopped for food. Don't wait up" he'd probably calmly put your dinner in the fridge and sympathised with you for a long day

No, I texted to say I'd just finished the course, then I texted when I stopped for food. At that point I had no idea that he was planning on making dinner for me.

Don't worry the food wasn't wasted, he wouldn't do that he hates waste as much as I do! I'll have it tonight.

Hmm yes there are passive aggressive undertones here, and yes he is sometimes a bit negative about my work colleagues and the fun things I get to do. He often blames my work colleagues for things outside their control, and tells me I ought to complain about them / tell them off etc for perfectly normal things.

I apologised straight away this morning for shouting and forgetting to tell him what time I'd finish. Then I told him he needed to apologise too. He said sorry for the text and sorry for messing up on timings. He knows full well what he did, and yes I agree he set me up to fail. He genuinely is lovely though, honestly!

You were both unreasonable. What you did was thoughtless and what he did was childish, probably because he doesn't do it much and wanted a pat on the head.

Give it a few pages though and he'll be called manipulative and abusive and you should LTB immediately.

Although if my husband screamed at me like that for getting a pout on over a meal id made he would have got the fucker in his lap.

He sounds like haaaard work. Your long day turned into something all about him which he totally manufactured. And denied doing by saying you told him a different city. Bullshit. You say you end up screaming at him - does he go on and on and on winding you up until you pop? Then tell you you are being out of order? It's all a total non row orchestrated by him and must have been very frustrating for you. If you fee like you're confused about what you did wrong then chances are you did nothing wrong and he's trying to make out you did for reasons only he will know.

I must admit I lost my rag at dh once over a ruined dinner. I had busted a gut, including a starter of pea soup from scratch with fresh peas. (Ok, not everybody's cup of tea/soup!) Dh turns up and looks askance at the soup and says he's had lunch at Le Gavroche if you please. The soup (cold) went straight over his head. Dh spent hours scrubbing the kitchen with the soup still in his hair, in stony silence to make a point.

Funnily enough I remember my mum throwing a casserole across the dining room (the stains remained till the day the house was sold 25 years later) because my father announced he'd had lunch at the Connaught.

Can you imagine if this had been a woman posting about her DH?

I am a woman posting about my DH. Do you mean if it was me at home cooking his dinner?

Well if he didn't tell me what time he'd be home then yes he'd be wrong (and I admitted I was wrong in that). But then once he had told me what time he had finished, if I had then assumed he'd be home a full 1.5 hours before he was physically able to be, cooked his dinner without telling him, got in a huff with him for stopping for food at 9pm, and threatened to throw his food away which he would in no way have been home to eat... I would have been unreasonable!

But I was unreasonable for screaming like a banshee. I do own up for that. I have a sore throat this morning!

I think YABU actually. You failed to communicate properly and he did something nice and well meaning and waited for you before having his own dinner.

I'd be properly pissed off too.

He said sorry for the text and sorry for messing up on timings

He didn't mess up on timings though. He knew full well how long it would take to get home, as he waited until 7:30 - bob on the time you would have got home if you had left at 5.

He is playing you.

he'll be called manipulative

Yes, indeed. That is exactly what liars who make out they messed up on timings and threaten to throw dinners in the bin if someone isn't home to eat the food they didn't know was being cooked are. It is a manipulation to make the other person feel bad for something that they do not need to feel bad about.

I'm afraid OP you lost me at "I did scream at him rather a lot". And I HATE it when people use the "I'm pre menstrual" card as an excuse.

You forgot to text (all day!) he forgot where your corse was, so you're even there. He was a bit PA. You were a screaming banshee. I think you win in the YABU stakes there. Sorry

Course. Obv

You say you end up screaming at him - does he go on and on and on winding you up until you pop? Then tell you you are being out of order?

No he doesn't. He just smiles, says it's fine, and I explode because I need to talk things through and he refuses to. It's like a red rag to a bull, I HATE not talking about things.

I totally went off the handle of my own accord. I'm a hormonal bitch.

I'm not going to LTB, he's genuinely lovely. But yes, he does act the martyr when he's cooked for me, and yes I wish he'd do it more often. And yes, he does get miffed when I spend time with my male colleagues. I have a more exciting job than him and sometimes that grates I think.

You failed to communicate properly

He knew it was 2.5 hours away and that it could finish at 5 or 8. What part of that is a failure to communicate?

But I was unreasonable for screaming like a banshee. I do own up for that. I have a sore throat this morning!

If you are serious about having a sore throat from shouting then you went waaaaaaaayyyyyyy over the top.

BitOut I actually agree with you.

However, And I HATE it when people use the "I'm pre menstrual" card as an excuse. I do agree as it's often used as an excuse for bad behaviour. But in my case, its almost an illness. I can feel drugged when I'm pre menstrual, my reactions are TOTALLY different. It's scary sometimes. So he deals with that very well, by not taking the bait. But in this instance I think he baited me.

Your throat is sore today from shouting?

Bloody hell OP you need some help with controlling your temper I think. If anyone screamed at me like that about anything I would be packing their bags. Totally OTT. Totally not on

Yes I'm serious about the sore throat.

I'm a talker - the absolute worst thing someone can do when arguing with me is walk away or shut down. That's when I lose it.

If he'd sat down and argued it out with me, there would have been no shouting.