Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

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I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

1. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

Bin HIM!

You cant always predict where you will be and what you do, when you work and you are away on a course or business trip. He was entirely in the wrong. He could have put your dinner in the fridge, and accepted that you would be late and tired, an be glad you got some food in your belly on the way.

He chose to throw a strop, and bin your food.

Run for the hills and be GLAD you dont have children together.

There are too many vile manchildren around, and as women we out to take responsibility for them NOT spreading their DNA.

Statement of the bleeding obvious here. But you both need to learn to communicate with each other. There's v little maturity going on here from either side.

The screaming at him, really? And he's probably never going to get over your job being more exciting than his.

If you are planning on kids how are they going to fit into this?

There is no excuse for being a 'screaming banshee'. The lack of control you displayed is appalling, but surprise, surprise, this being mumsnet, that fact is conveniently ignored. He behaved a bit badly, childishly, and for that he was screamed at? Why not just tell him he was being silly or ignore the silliness. Honestly, you remind me of those parents who claim to love their children more than life itself but can't resist having a blazing row with their other parent right in front of them.

So, he is goading you, and refusing to talk, yet he is lovely?

Hardly!

You can't justify your shouting. It, and to be honest, you, are sounding more and more repugnant. What would be the reaction here if a man had behaved like you did? Sexism is alive and well on mumsnet.

Sorry op I would not engage with someone screaming at me either.

So, he is goading you, and refusing to talk, yet he is lovely?

Hardly!

OP screaming like a banshee so much so she has a sore throat isn't 'lovely' either!

Is he a bit insecure about your work collegues? I know we're all supposed to be breezy but I don't think many of us wouldn't 'feel' a bit humpy in that situation whether they displayed it or not.

Every ones allowed to feel a bit insecure sometimes but yes he acted like a prick and you did back.

Unless there are other things going on you haven't mentioned then just tell him what you wanted to tell him and have that cuddle.

oh dont be ridiculous charlston, I think you sound as goady as the dp!

Plenty of women cater for and cook for husbands or partners and they are not always able to come home and eat their meals. If a woman threw a strop and binned her OHs food, then acted passive aggressively, refused to talk and ignored his attempts at getting in touch, she would also be in the wrong.

Taking it a bit further, it is victim blaming. It is like the child who is picked on, and eventually loses it and retaliates to the bullies, and then gets in to trouble for shouting or pushing. That is what bullies do, push and push until eventually the other party loses it.

OPs OH sounds like he has behaved like a passive aggressive bully.

Sorry op I would not engage with someone screaming at me either.

Neither would I.

He chooses to walk away from a situation to calm down and this makes you 'lose' it.

So your DH should react how you want him to do so that you don't scream like a banshee at him!

I think there might be quite a few of us who wouldn't be at our calmest when
a) they'd been on a long day's training course, where they had little input into the schedule.
b) they were the only woman in a male group
c) they had PMT
d) they were dependent on others for transport
e) they had no choice but to stop at a fast food place, where the main food on offer all contained meat and they were vegetarian
f) when they returned home their partner was angry and sulky

People in relationships shout and argue and get upset because living together isn't easy. It's quite normal. The difficulty is when people have different ways of dealing with conflict, so the arguments get tangled and prolonged rather than working as a means of resolving disagreement.

OPs OH sounds like he has behaved like a passive aggressive bully.

They BOTH do.

The OP admits that if he doesn't react in an argument as she wants she loses it.

That is certainly not OK.

I think there might be quite a few of us who wouldn't be at our calmest

There is a difference between not being your calmest and yelling like a banshee which must have been for a while to still have a sore throat the next morning

What was her DH supposed to do when the yelling started, just stand there and listen.

If it had been the OP DH yelling at her like that what would posters say?

How do you think it will be different next time you do a course?

I can't believe you're having such a huge argument about something so trivial!

He was BU - he should have made something he could reheat later like spag bol or whatever if he didn't know what time you were coming home. No need for dinner to spoil/be chucked. Just reheat last night/today. No big deal.

Are there other things going on, OP?

Didn't see the posts about you screaming like him so much you have a sore throat today! That means YABVVVU and over-reacting.

If your PMT is that bad, go to the GP and get something for it.

It must be horrible for your h having to live with you acting like that.

Well yes that's all true, too.

To be fair I only skimmed the OP and the last few comments before mine. But yeah, screaming at someone isn't good either. However it's the same as any other situation - if Op's husband doesn't like her screaming at him when they have a row, he's free to choose to call her out on it and if nothing changes he doesn't have to stay and put up with it. Same as I wouldn't stay and put up with passive aggressive crap.

"The OP admits that if he doesn't react in an argument as she wants she loses it."

You mean, if they disagree and she wants to talk about it, and wants him to engage with her, and he just smiles and shuts her off?

Or do you think that acting all superior and refusing to talk is the right way of behaving then?

I think it is quite normal, and healthy to talk about a disagreement and clear the air.

People in juvenile relationships shout. Well-adjusted people in adult relationships disagree without resorting to shouting, except perhaps in rare, extreme cases. This is just a mundane relationship hiccup that the OP had to turn into a major drama.

Interesting to see how many are quick to blame others for their bad behaviour. 'I have no self-control your honour, being a mere woman, it wasn't my fault.' The partner behaved badly, but his behaviour does not justify the OP's.

I think it is always helpful to look at what happened PRIOR to the person reacting.

Like being shut out. Having ones dinner binned. Experiencing a sulky partner. All that came first! Not the screaming.

Screaming is never good though, but I dont think the OP should be getting such a hard time for losing it with a person who behaves like this to her.

If they cant communicate, they should really reconsider whether the relationship is right for them.

He made a MASSIVE point of OP being away on a course, too busy to consider HIM, he cooked for her After he realized how late she would be, then used his dinner as a rod to beat her with.

Sometimes bonkers agruments just happen even when two people are normally sensible rational people.

Just accept that it was rather daft of both of you, you both over reacted and have a cuddle tonight.

he should have made something he could reheat later like spag bol

He did. He made a fucking quiche FFS.

He was just keeping tabs on her and trying to make her feel like shit for daring to "go for dinner" with colleagues he is clearly jealous of.

Sending a shitty text and the ignoring all replies and refusing to engage when she got home was calculated to piss her off and make her angry.

She'll think better of having an interesting job with male colleagues soon enough. If all else fails he can knock her up and then claim it "makes more sense" for her to stay home because he doesn't want his baby "farmed out".

You mean, if they disagree and she wants to talk about it, and wants him to engage with her, and he just smiles and shuts her off?

At that particular time he didn't want to talk about. His perogative just as much as it is hers to want to.

Sorry but yelling at me for so long that your throat hurts would certainly not encourage me to talk to you!

Why the hell would being with a group of male colleagues make any difference to her mood?

And every motorway service station, by law, has to have a proper sit down restaurant in it so that's a red herring as well.

The DH acted childishly. The op acted like a bully with anger issues. And threreby lost the moral high ground (which she only held dubiously anyway). There is never any excuse for acting so aggressively.

As I said, if someone "lost it" with me like that I would also walk away. Even if they had been entirely in the right to start with, acting aggressively means all bets are off for me.

Op you need to have a think about how you react to stress / conflict because your behaviour is just not on.

I think in general in this situation, your DH is bu, for all the reasons previously mentioned.

But having said that, I was a bit at "If he'd sat down and argued it out with me, there would have been no shouting." So he has to talk to you about issues whenever you want to talk to him about them, regardless of whether he wants to talk at the time or not, or you shout at him and then say "well I wouldn't have shouted at you if you'd just done what I wanted to begin with"? Have I got that right? Sorry. No. That's not on.