To wish I didn't have to do drop off for neighbour's kids for 2 weeks?

[Ironfloor]

Neighbour has asked me whether I can do the morning school drop off for her two kids for 2 weeks. I said I can because she used to give me and DD lifts to school every day for about a year. She has a job which finishes at 2.40 so I'm wondering whether she will ask me to do the pick up some days, too.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this situation? I'm stressed at best in the mornings and it's so difficult to find parking space near the school. I can get DD and myself ready on time at 8.15am. But these two kids usually leave home around 8.30 and I'm worried that they won't be ready on time and will delay us all to get to school. Neighbour lives about 2 doors down, by the way.
I'm ready to accept I'm wrong, so please be honest. Thanks in advance!

I can understand you not wanting your dd alone with them, obviously.

However - if you had refused all offers of help from the family previously for this reason, when SHE was doing YOU a favour, then I could understand better.

As it is, it comes across like you took advantage of her kind nature, and how you have to repay the favour, you simply cba. Sorry!

I think you need to come up with a good permanent reason for the likely eventualities. For evening pick-ups perhaps say your plans may change at short notice so you don't want to commit and then be unreliable.
Think of something that covers these kids coming to yours in the morning before school - perhaps say firmly that you find mornings stressful enough as it is and are not able to offer that.
I think doing drop-offs termly for 2 weeks you'll have to keep doing this year.

NTSOL - yes, I know it seems like that.

Good lesson for me. I shall and will learn to say no. All those times when she used to invite DD over to her house for play dates, I didn't have the balls to say no, so I used to say lots of excuses and immediately feel bad for refusing IYKWIM. now thinking back, if I did say a firm no, she might have got the message long ago.

YBR - thank you! That is a great excuse to say for pick ups. Mornings, I was going to say what you suggested.

Thanks again for all your input. It's good to hear from all perspectives.

Once again, you don't have to do anything. Her kids sound bloody awful and you owe it to your child to keep her away from them. So if you can't be assertive for yourself, then be so for your dd. She needs that from her mummy!

Btw italics is word but with no spaces.

Neighbour I enjoy the 1:1 time I have with my daughter on the school runs each morning and afternoon. It's good for both of us so I wont be in a position to help out again.

Just caught up with your thread and you aren't doing yourself any favours, you just sound nastier and nastier.

What it comes down to is you are going to the school anyway so just drop them off. It's not forever, it's 2 weeks, you are getting yourself worked up over things that haven't happened yet. Even if it did happen that she asked you to do more you could just say no, explain you have anxiety issues. Just say you find it very stressful having to deal with so many children in the morning and say you hear the breakfast club is very good if she needs a more permanent arrangement.

Are you also socially awkward? I don't get the whole accepting lifts even though you don't want them. I always refuse help off people as I don't want to feel obligated and I reciprocate what help I do get so as not to feel indebted.

You end up looking like a dick for taking a lift that you didn't want. You ask how many times can you say no, well as many as she asks. If you're firm enough then eventually she will stop. It's not like you care about her friendship or if she thinks you're rude/strange.

You come across as nasty as you have said that you think her kids are a bad influence and you are friendly to everyone else in the street but not her.

Tbf the neighbours kids dont sound great going from what the OP has said. I wouldnt want them near my dd either!

I'm a childminder and if I couldn't manage (alone and with parents) to improve the sort of behaviour OP describes from the children she's being asked to take to school, I wouldn't continue to look after them even for good money. With such a short period of care you're unlikely to be able to be much of a positive influence on their behaviour.

It's ok to not want sole charge of children who make your child miserable.

Thanks, million.

ZenNudist - I think you have got the wrong end of the stick here. I didn't say I was friendly to everyone in the street but her. Where did you get that idea from? I'm equally friendly with most of the moms down the road. SHE, on the other hand, is only friendly with me and not with the others. So what do you want me to do? Stop being friendly to other moms so that she feels comfortable?

Ironfloor I think you are right actually, I don't think you did the 'picking' at her parenting which I accused you of upthread. You gave a somewhat negative but factual description based on your daughter's experience. Which is different I think. My apologies.

Thanks, ovenchips.

Well, it's only 6 times left to do it now. Live and learn.

Lots of people are uncomfortable with being assertive. Having school age kids pretty much guarantees that you are going to learn the hard way at some point.

It happened to me. I somehow ended up childminding a child for what was meant to be 2 hours max after school a couple of hours a week, but immediately turned into being 3pm till 6pm every week day. The girl was in my eldest DDs class at school and the mum sometimes joined me and a group of other mums who went out on the lash for a few drinks every so often. This is how i knew her. I couldn't say no.

The girl was frankly a pain in the bum to have around the house. Poking about in drawers in bedrooms, rooting through kitchen cupboards, demanding certain food and certain tv programs and throwing a strop if she didn't get her own way. After a week my DD was actively try to get away from her in the house and was getting very down in the dumps.

After a month i had to buck up the courage to say i couldn't do it any more. I don't remember what i said (this was about 12 years ago!) but it didn't go as badly as i feared, and i was so relieved afterwards. It taught me not to get into these situations in the first place by forcing myself to be assertive.

Sorry about the ramble!

You don't do a favour so you can claim them later. Ironfloor you do not owe anything.

I would not be happy to take responsibility for someone else's children unless I was very close to them and even then it would be unlikely that I would to commit to anything long term. I value my time and in your case I would prefer to spend it focusing on my child.

In your case I would have done the same as you and helped on this occasion. After this I would say no. The classic "No, that doesn't work for me" is useful in situations where you just don't want to do something. You do not owe this person anything and you do not need to make excuses.

Good luck. I struggle with anxiety so know how this sort of thing buzzes around your head.

Thanks for understanding, Eponas and TheAnswer. Even though I accepted lifts from her, I always went with DD. There wasn't even one instance where I let her be responsible for DD.

Well, today DD is not well so is off school. So I texted her last night to say that DD is unwell and might not go to school. I told her I'll confirm this morning whether or not I can take her kids to school. She replied asking whether I can tell her either way before 7.20am. Anyway, I confirmed last night itself that she won't be going to I won't be able to do the drop off.

Hope this gives her the nudge to sort out the childcare plan without having to depend on me always.

My neighbour just started overstepping boundaries , it went from school runs to calling at the door asking if my child wanted to go to there house thus storing up favours she could call back in , most often on a saturday or sunday when she wanted to go to the shops alone (don't we all) it got to the stage they just started walking in and out our house, I'm a very private person, i hate owing people anything so i told her thought we should do our own school runs , she took a bit of a strop over this and no longer asks me to babysit. an unexpected result.

their not there apologies.

What's the worst that could happen if you stand up for yourself? You'd lose her friendship, which you don't value anyway.

Crabbie - that is almost identical to what my neighbour did. She would ask DD straight away whether she wanted to come over to their house to play. During the time I was accepting lifts to school, I felt bad to refuse all the time so we went once or twice but I always went with her. Never left her unsupervised. I hate that sense of obligation. Once, she sent her son over to nick on our door and when I opened the door he said "my mom said that (DD's name) can come to our house to play"! However many times I refused, she never seemed to get the message.

Pico2 - I know. That is exactly what I am going to do at the end of these 2 weeks.

At the risk of adding to this already monumental mountain out of a molehill, in hindsight, I wonder whether she was so desperate to engineer a strong friendship between my DD and her kids so that when she asks for my help, it becomes very hard for me to say no?

Sorry fur the ramble. It helps to write down my thoughts.

Iron floor - I have said this before and I will say it again - you are way overthinking this - I doubt very much that she engineered the friendship so that you would feel obliged to help her out. IF she was that type of person she would have garnered the friendship of all the other mums in the street too. She was just being friendly although I accept crossing your own personal boundaries.

Learn from this situation what and what you will not accept. Finish the fortnight with good grace . Decide if you will help her out again and if you are not prepared to, which by the way is totally okay, just let her know that taking another child to school doesn't work for you. Smile, move on and stop looking for ulterior motives in someone's behaviour.

One more day! Whoop whoop. DD was poorly this morning again but it was too late to tell neighbour as she had already set off to work. So I dropped her kids and DH stayed at home with DD and left for work after I returned. Yesterday, the neighbour again told me that she can pick DD up from school with her kids and bring her home. I said thank you but I actually enjoy it so I don't need her help. Baby steps...

Well done Ironfloor. It will really help you long term if you can be more assertive, it can always be done in a nice light hearted way. Sounds like you dealt with it well.

Yes, this is one of the problems with getting sucked on to other people's child care arrangements. What happens when your own child is ill and your dh isnt at home to help you?

You do the same thing you'd do if your poorly child had a sibling, and take them out with you?