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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I didn't have to do drop off for neighbour's kids for 2 weeks?

159 replies

Ironfloor · 01/11/2015 18:27

Neighbour has asked me whether I can do the morning school drop off for her two kids for 2 weeks. I said I can because she used to give me and DD lifts to school every day for about a year. She has a job which finishes at 2.40 so I'm wondering whether she will ask me to do the pick up some days, too.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this situation? I'm stressed at best in the mornings and it's so difficult to find parking space near the school. I can get DD and myself ready on time at 8.15am. But these two kids usually leave home around 8.30 and I'm worried that they won't be ready on time and will delay us all to get to school. Neighbour lives about 2 doors down, by the way.
I'm ready to accept I'm wrong, so please be honest. Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 08:09

Just tell her that they have to be at yours for 8:15 as that's when you leave.

Don't accept any lifts off her again.

I reckon she may have offered you the lifts in order to call in the favour. It's probably you that have boundary issues and you need to learn strategies to say no in future.

Only1scoop · 02/11/2015 08:11

Yabu...,She took your Dd to school for a year? I guess you weren't that bothered what time they got there then after you had dropped her off.

It's only 2 weeks.

She did another 40 for your dd

AnotherCider · 02/11/2015 08:16

Don't people see how hard it is sometimes to say no without appearing rude? Some people are SO insistent on 'helping' that you do have to be very blunt with saying no, and feeling rude with it.

Op, just tell her that the children will have to go to school in whatever state of dress/undress they are in. They can use that time at school to finish doing up clothes if they need.

I can understand why you go early, because you get an easier car park. 10 minutes later, and what should be 'on time', actually can make you late if you then can't get a car park close by.

Scoobydoo8 · 02/11/2015 08:23

It's really good for DCs to have a quiet wander home (and to) school before being cooped up with 30 other little dears for 6 hours. Walk, don't take lifts.

I can see that if they are late you won't find your parking spot.

But two weeks isn't long. Just have a speel ready at the end of the 2 weeks as shy you can't do it any more (easiest just to say you like to quietly walk DD yourself on her own - for a chat etc)

treaclesoda · 02/11/2015 08:24

You don't have to be rude to say no. You just say 'thanks for the offer, that's very kind, but we don't need a lift'. You can say it every day of the week and you're still not being rude.

Accepting a lift repeatedly and then complaining about being asked for a lift in return is however pretty rude.

PastaLaFeasta · 02/11/2015 08:24

It's easy for posters to think the OP is being unreasonable in saying no to lifts initially and now to being worried about doing two weeks of drop offs, but I suspect OP has anxiety or is generally a worried person, which I suffer with too. Try not to worry about the what ifs, do be clear with the nieghbour what your limits are with regards to time and taking on caring responsibility.

Oysterbabe · 02/11/2015 08:26

Arrive at the school on time rather than early and just hoof them out of the door, no need to park.

ovenchips · 02/11/2015 08:32

You don't need to angst, post in AIBU, give backstory or anything else for doing something slightly inconvenient for 10 days!

Do it, it's done, move on.

I'm sure you'll instantly forget about it once fortnight's over. Not worth your or anyone else's headspace.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/11/2015 09:02

At our school, (country lanes no parking,)you need to get there at least 20 minutes early to park at all. Lots of people just sit in their cars. Dropping and running is not allowed and is difficult anyhow due to the narrow cul de sac road.

We walk, or at the very least, park five minutes away and walk.

Picking up, people are there half an hour before, just sitting in their cars.

SoupDragon · 02/11/2015 09:18

Arrive at the school on time rather than early and just hoof them out of the door, no need to park.

Really? you would just dump children aged 4, 5 and 6 on the pavement and drive off...?

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 02/11/2015 10:14

Don't be such a wimp. You say you took lifts you didn't actually want for a YEAR? Bullhockey you did. It suited you then and now you don't want to give back. So just say no.
I can't stand people who say one thing when they mean another. If you don't want to take her kids to school, say so, don't say yes to her face and bitch about it behind her back.

AnonymousBird · 02/11/2015 10:48

You should help out your neighbour, it's only two weeks, but be precise from the outset as to departure time. Tell her, if you can't park close to school, you have more children to escort across roads etc, and that makes it more tricky for all of you, so they must understand that - get there to collect them five minutes before you want them and don't go in the house, lurk on the doorstep with the front door open so they get the general idea that you need to GO!

LagunaBubbles · 02/11/2015 10:55

No-one takes lifts for a whole year they dont want surely?!

Original poster

Ironfloor · 02/11/2015 11:21

Thanks, pastalafiesta. You are spot on. It is my anxiety that is making a mountain out of a molehill in this situation.

So an update: this morning NDN's kids were both ready on time so everything went smoothly. Hope the same continues for the next 2 weeks.

About accepting lifts for the past 1 year, I totally accept that i was not assertive as I should have been and refused the lifts politely. I need to clarify though that she didn't take DD and me to school and back every day, she took me to school at pick up time and DD and I came back with her and her kids. She also took me and DD to school some mornings, but not every day as her DH did the morning drop offs mostly. In a number of occasions, I have refused her lifts by giving excuses as I mentioned above. I have in fact asked on here before, for advice on how to refuse her lifts politely. She always says 'we have to help each other' (we are both hailing from similar ethnic backgrounds). I felt really bad to to put a complete stop to her lifts because I didn't want to seem rude and she seemed to enjoy the company. But I KNOW that is not an excuse. I totally accept that. I need to grow a backbone and learn how to put my foot down in future.

Another reason for me to not accept lifts from her every day was because her you for child would sometimes come straight into our house when we come home and refuse to leave. So on quite a few days, he has stayed at ours playing with DD while neighbour takes older child for tuition. This got a bit out of hand but I couldn't refuse because I felt I was obligated to let him stay because her mom helped us out. So I would typically tell her that DD wants to go to the park after school, so we would go to the park and I would time coming home to ensure neighbour has already come home and the kids are safely inside her house.

Neighbour has asked to DD to come to theirs and play with her kids. She used to ask DD directly without checking with me first so if I refused DD used to get upset with me. This has happened quite a few times. She always asked me to let Dd come and play but I used to refuse by giving all sorts of excuses but sometimes you run out of excuses, don't you?

One day, neighbours invited DD for one of those play dates, I said we'll see but last minute I had to refuse because I had to go pick up my DH from office as he injured himself. That day, I texted her to tell her that DD won't be coming unfortunately but she didn't reply so I'm pretty sure she was pissed off with me. I felt strangely relieve, however, because I felt she has finally got the message and will hopefully leave me alone. But then when I bumped into her the next day she was a usual bubbly, pleasant self. Now in hindsight, I wonder whether she was friendly towards me despite all that because she knew she will start working one day soon (she was a SAHM until now, just like me) and will need my help to do childcare.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ironfloor · 02/11/2015 11:24

Just need to emphasise that I'm not blaming her for offering lifts to us. It was very sweet of her. But I feel that she did so because she knew she will need my help soon.

For those who wanted to know how long the walk to school is, it's a 25 minute walk. And no, I can't drop them at the gate and drive off, they are too young and it's not allowed.

OP posts:

howabout · 02/11/2015 11:36

YABU
If you all walk the 25 minutes the problem disappears on timing and it sounds like your neighbour's dc don't like to walk so will petition not to have to be foisted on you.

pilates · 02/11/2015 11:36

Op, Im presuming the mother is dropping her children to you so can't see what the problem is for two weeks. Just reiterate that they need to be at yours for 8.15 and clarify with her that it is only taking them and not collecting aswell. You need to be more assertive.

SaucyJack · 02/11/2015 11:36

I don't think she's done anything wrong, but I don't think your feelings are wrong either.

Some people like this thing of going to places (or to each other's houses) together in a community/social group, and some prefer to go about their business on their own.

The problem now is though that you appeared to be happy to do the pick-ups together when it seemed that you were the one benefitting from the arrangement so it would be very poor form to pull out now she needs the favour.

FWIW I'd hate having a neighbour trying to nag me into taking a lift every morning when I'd rather make my way there on my own. But then again, I'd just have said no in the first place.

Original poster

Ironfloor · 02/11/2015 12:19

Pilates - no, there is a relative of theirs staying with them these days so the neighbour gets the kids ready, leaves them with relative and leaves home around 7.40. When we're ready, we walk up to their house (2 doors down), knock on door and collect kids. I was going to suggest neighbour to bring them over to ours but decided it might be more stressful for us. God knows what they are going to do after the relative has gone home.

OP posts:

LetGoOrBeDragged · 02/11/2015 12:38

Okay, the danger here is that when the 2 weeks are up, she might still expect the childcare to continue. You need to have your reasons not to, ready.

Remember, you are a sahm for your own family's benefit, not to provide childcare for other people. Otherwise they will be making money at your expense.

I would go along the lines of saying you want the time alone with your own dd.

I think she was softening you up for this with the whole 'must help each other out' thing. I'm not sure why a shared ethnicity means you have to do each other more favours than you would do for any other friend/neighbour.

Original poster

Ironfloor · 02/11/2015 13:10

Letgoorbedragged - thanks, that's what I suspect too. Well, this lady doesn't exactly socialise much with the other families down our road. We do. A lot. And my DD plays with all the kids in our neighbourhood. So perhaps neighbour feels comfortable if she knows she can depend on me?

OP posts:

LetGoOrBeDragged · 02/11/2015 13:21

Well her lack of other friends isn't your problem, so dont let her guilt trip you into anything longer than these 2 weeks.

Best of luck

Original poster

Ironfloor · 03/11/2015 12:07

Small update: met neighbour and she thanked me profusely for helping her out and asked whether her kids were well behaved. She also said that she may need my help again when her OH goes abroad again (he's abroad now which is why I need to do the drop offs for these 2 weeks). Afaik, he goes abroad once every 3-4 months-ish, and each time for 2 weeks. Oh well, I guess i'll haveto suck it up do it. Now I'm pretty sure this is why she was so eager to offer me help in the first place.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 03/11/2015 12:11

What did you say when informed she may need your services again??

SoupDragon · 03/11/2015 12:13

Well, you could always say that you can't do it in future and hope that you never require any help yourself.

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