To wish I didn't have to do drop off for neighbour's kids for 2 weeks?

[Ironfloor]

Neighbour has asked me whether I can do the morning school drop off for her two kids for 2 weeks. I said I can because she used to give me and DD lifts to school every day for about a year. She has a job which finishes at 2.40 so I'm wondering whether she will ask me to do the pick up some days, too.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this situation? I'm stressed at best in the mornings and it's so difficult to find parking space near the school. I can get DD and myself ready on time at 8.15am. But these two kids usually leave home around 8.30 and I'm worried that they won't be ready on time and will delay us all to get to school. Neighbour lives about 2 doors down, by the way.
I'm ready to accept I'm wrong, so please be honest. Thanks in advance!

Yup, so far it's going ok. 3 days down, 7 more to go. I'll see how it pans out the next time her hubby goes abroad.
Yeah, LGBD, I really don't like the idea of having the kids over at ours in the mornings. I don't think it'll come to that though.

I think you need to knock it on the head when the 2 weeks are over.Dont give exscuses,what i would say if let me get back to you and it gives you breathing space.Then text her saying your not able to do it.

You don't have to do any favours she asks you to for a whole year just because she gave you lifts for a year. That logic is nuts.
You do any favours you are happy to do. If you're not happy with any of them and it sounds as though they are multiplying you say no. It sounds as though she may need to look at child care provision if she can no longer look after her children on a regular basis. The childcare provision doesn't have to be you unless you want it to be.

I would tell her that my own dd values the one to one time before and after school - that this is her time to talk to you, so after these 2 weeks she will need to make other arrangements.

Dont let her childcare become something you have to fix for her. The upside of being a sahp is that you no longer have to worry about the logistics of all these things. In palming off her childcare onto you, you are getting the downside of woh without the benefit of wages!

just say you are happy to help in a genuine emergency but you can't commit to helping much in the future due to your own commitments and don't elaborate on that, I've became embroiled in a school run nightmare with my neighbour and its ended quite badly because i wasn't assertive in the first place, she started dropping her child off to me every time she wanted to go out at the weekends, so sort it out now.

Crabbiearses - oh that's one of my worst nightmares. How did you get out of that one?

Tbh, this woman is not that bad or forceful. But she seem to have this idea in her head that we are so pally, our kids love each other and love playing together and we are (need to be) there for each other etc. When we first moved into this neighbourhood (she had moved in about a month before us so was new to it herself), she initiated conversation with me, invited us over to her house for tea etc. Asked me to 'knock on the door anytime, we will always be at home'. We never did go to her house though, bar one play date with DD and her kids (before I realised what we were getting into). She always, ALWAYS asks me to leave DD with her if I need to go out with my husband, go for driving lesson etc. Just after I got my driving license, I was so happy and relieved to not have to depend on her. She still asked me to carpool with her. I said I'd love to, but I need to practise driving on my own so no thanks. She the said that once I've experienced driving on my own for a while we can do carpooling again.

Once she criticised another woman who lived a few doors down for being aloof, reserved and unfriendly. That woman, however, is now very friendly with me and and her kids play with my DD and they are in and out of our house all the time. But she is the same towards neighbour lady.

The more you post, the clearer it becomes that you have to extricate yourself from this. You have to get out of the mindset of worryong about hurting the feelings of someone, who isn't giving a momolent's thought to your feelings. Some people are steamrollers and you will get flattened unless you develop the ability to say no and be quite forceful about it is it proves necessary.

I want to do it for you - I am very good at saying no

Sorry for all the typos.

Well she is talking about the other neighbour being distant.I would ask the other neighbour if she has asked her for favours.And then take it from there.

But she is counting on you to be nice and polite and go along with anything she deems important.So just say no,no reasons or exscuses.That way she cant worm her way around.

And then she will move on to her next victim,while talking about you being distant.

Why don't you take them every day and let her pick them up every day. Half the journeys, less parking hassle - makes sense to me!

Happyfeet - oh no, I don't want my DD with her and her kids unsupervised. She is not the most careful person and I doubt she'll be able to look after 3 kids. Also, her kids can be quite rough which is why we haven't let her play with them unsupervised before. Plus, I don't want to be under obligation to her ever agin. I just want the boundaries to be clear this time. In fact, she suggested sharing the school run like you suggested but I said no thanks (yeah, I know, very uncharacteristic of me :)

I feel really sorry for her, she seems to have been nothing but friendly but you seem to have labeled her clingy and needy.

You dont want the influence of her sons on your dd but happy taking the lift for a YEAR?!

sorry but you are rude beyond belief

OP Despite further information I really can't see how neighbour has done anything actually wrong.

Yes she's different to you and does things differently but well, that's it really. You don't need to pick at her or her parenting.

If you don't want to have anything to do with her after the 10 days are over, then don't. Though you have said things to her like you'd 'love' to car pool at some point, which may have given your neighbour the idea that you do!

I can't understand the level of angst it's caused you. She hasn't done anything wrong, she's just got different ideas about doing things. I would be doing a bit of practice on my assertive skills if I were you and work out some set phrases to use for those times when you don't want to go with someone else's suggestion.

Did you read the same thread as the rest of us?

Sure, if you go by the first post, it looks like the OP was happy to take and not return. But subsequent posts have indicated that this neighbour feels entitled to inform the OP that she will be doing her school runs as and when needed.

The fact is, the OP doesnt want to do it beyond the 2 weeks agreed - that is her right. The neighbour seems to be friendly because she has an agenda.

I like my neighbours, but I'd be mightily fed up if they expected me to look after their kids so they could get to work!

Firstly, you don't have to do anything in repayment of these favours she's pushed on you, and No is a complete sentence. She offered all those lifts, you didn't ask for them, and it's very different with the other adult in tow to having sole charge of children who you don't see as a good influence on your daughter.

It does sound like you feel a bit beholden, though, so work out your boundaries. She has absolutely no bloody right to inform you that you'll need to help her when her husband is away. You are perfectly within your rights to decide that you won't help at all, or that you'll do mornings but not afternoons, or that you'll take them door to door but not have them in your house.

Work out what, if anything, you're willing to do and politely inform her. I'm thinking something along the lines of 'you mentioned you might need my help when your DH is away, so I just wanted to give you plenty of notice that that won't be an option so you have time to make other arrangements'. You don't owe her an explanation.

Lndnmummy - yes, I went to school and back with her for a year but I WENT WITH MY DD, I never sent her alone. Which is what would happen if I shared the school run with her, as Happyfeet said, wouldn't it? I said I don't agree with her parenting, which is why I don't want my DD alone with her. I believe I have a right not to send DD alone with her if I think she's not careful surely?

Yes, I can understand how my 'would love to carpool' comment could have come out wrong.

Ovenchips - I didn't PICK (sorry to use capitals to emphasise, I don't know how to do the italics on phone) at her parenting, I just gave the reasons as to why I didn't want her picking up my DD.

Hmmm I can't decide.

At the beginning I thought you were completely BU and selfish.
Then I changed my mind a bit as I read on.
Now I think you're BU and selfish again

I think what's making the difference to my opinion is that you're coming across like you look down on her and her family for being a bit 'rough'. Didn't bother you when she was helping you out though, did it?

Massive projecting going on here OP - she has not asked you to drop kids off in morning at your house nor do this regularly. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Just do the 2 weeks as asked and then if you don't want to get involved tell her so should she ask you again.

Just bear in mind anything can happen in the future and you may be glad of her help at some point though.....

The neighbour might be genuinely friendly ......what grounds have you got for thinking she is only being friendly so she can ask you for help?

Because she's looking for reasons to justify being selfish Sonnet. IMHO of course.

NotTheSpiceOfLife - I didn't look down on her family for being rough. I said I don't want DD left alone in the company of her kids because they have been rough with her in the past. One incident was once they were playing outside and my DH heard DD screaming to see the neighbour's son was chasing her trying to lift her skirt and pull down her knickers. Another time, DD was holding a snail in her hand and admiring it (for want of a better word), when this boy took it from her hand, dropped it on the ground, stamped on it and laughed. DD sobbed her little heart out and he was grinning all the time. So, forgive me for not wanting DD left alone with them.

I think the only problem here is my lack of assertiveness. I need to change that. If it wasn't for that I would never have accepted lifts with her for a whole year.

So now, as it is obvious that I owe for that help, I'm going to help her back. If she asks me to do the morning drop offs again, I'm going to do it, HOWEVER, I will not agree to her dropping the kids at my place in the mornings. If she can't do that, the she'll have to sign them up for breakfast club, although you have to pay for the whole term, not just the 2 weeks.

If she asks I'm going to have to do the random pick ups, too, provided DD and I are not something else on those days.

I've just written a huge post and lost it.

However, in essence I was saying I feel for you because I think your neighbour sounds a nightmare and you are perfectly entitled to know if your DD needs to be protected from someone's kids. Which it sounds like she does.

However, you have GOT to be more assertive. You sound like the most unassertive person ever. You really do. Sorry.

Stop making excuses. Stop saying you would love to do something that you wouldn't. This is confusing for the recipient and is no way to treat an overbearing person like your neighbour.

Text her to say you can't help after these two weeks. Give her plenty of notice. Millionchances had some good wording above. If you text, you dont' have to do it face to face.

Most of all, believe in your right to say no. It is stressful for you as it is for loads of people who have posted in teh past about helpin out on school runs.

However, until you believe in yourself and your own right to do what you want to do, you won't get very far. Text no. Keep saying sorry no I can't. I find saying "No I don't want to do that" leaves little room for discussion. . For god's sake try it.