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Original poster

To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

176 replies

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 01:25

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

OP posts:
TeenageWildlife · 31/10/2015 13:33

My parents used to refer to "the late xxx" which made me wonder why so many of their friends were not punctual.
In some parts of Africa, people are simply "late". Where is X? He is late.
Didn't do anything for my punctuality though.

ProvisionallyAnxious · 31/10/2015 13:36

Haven't read the whole thread, but r.e. the "x lost their wife last week" thing, isn't that a phrasing that is more about the living than the dead? It points to the impact on x, rather than describing the state of the dead person.

Pico2 · 31/10/2015 13:37

I don't like all the euphemisms. But what do people write in condolence cards and to mourners at funerals? You can't write 'sorry your Dad's dead'. Or can you?

Epilepsyhelp · 31/10/2015 13:40

It took me about three years to say the sentence 'my dad died/is dead'. I just couldn't articulate it. I found it much easier to say we lost him, particularly because I could then lighten the mood if I needed to by saying something like 'ha, sounds like we lost him in tesco or something'.

I would have said the same as you before Dad died but I honestly couldn't put those words in a sentence.

Roussette · 31/10/2015 13:41

No, you can't Pico. Sometimes deaths are tragic, sometimes people die too young, sometimes it is totally unexpected and a huge shock because of the circumstances. It's all about compassion for those grieving.

MyCircusMyMonkeys · 31/10/2015 13:44

I work in a hospice and one of the first things I was told was that we don't say 'passed away' or other euphemisms. We say death, we say dying, we say died. It's part of encouraging open and honest discussion, which helps the healing process.

Debbriana1 · 31/10/2015 13:48

I think the term "kicked the bucket " is the worse. Almost comical. The worst one for me is "gone to the other side". It sounds like something out of a horror movie.

Original poster
Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 13:50

I have read the responses and I do know how illogical it seems to care about how people might refer to my death.

It's just my personal opinion after all - but I am sorry if my opinion has hurt or offended people who are grieving.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 31/10/2015 13:53

I want to be made into diamonds .

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 13:56

Always good to talk Salmo Smile

ButtonMoon88 · 31/10/2015 14:27

I haven't read all the responses but I don't think you have been offensive at all OP- everyone is different. I really applaud the matter of fact approach and if I was like that in RL I think it would have helped me grieve actually

Helmetbymidnight · 31/10/2015 14:32

I've seen a rise of 'passed' on facebook.

It sounds religious to me and I wouldn't appreciate it about my family. However 'lost' works for me.

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 14:34

I dont want people (my dc in particular) to think that I am "waiting" elsewhere for them.

That isnt your call. It is up to them to decide for themselves whether there is anything after death.

I am atheist. I think when I die thats it. I'm in the ground and nowhere else. However my mum is catholic and i wouldnt ever be so offensive as to tell her that she cant think of me in heaven just because I dont believe that. Her belief is just that, her belief. I dont get to dictate it just because i die.

ButtonMoon88 · 31/10/2015 15:03

I agree with a lot of what SurlyCue says; And actually I was surprised how much comfort I took in the fact that my dad was waiting for me somewhere. I don't feel like that now three years down the line, but initially the thought of life after death was a huge help- I guess it's because I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

80sMum · 31/10/2015 15:10

Pico I tend to use the words "has died", which I think sounds much gentler than "dead", e.g. 'I am so very sorry to hear the sad news that your father has died.'

AnnieNoMouse · 31/10/2015 15:11

I don't like all the euphemisms. But what do people write in condolence cards and to mourners at funerals? You can't write 'sorry your Dad's dead'. Or can you?
I write 'died' or 'death', as in 'I was so sorry to hear that Y has died" or 'I was sorry to hear of X's death". I figure that the bereaved is in pain because of someone's death, not because of my use of words. And that was my experience when people close to me died - nothing other people would say could make the fact of death worse, or better.
Interesting in relation to this thread is there is an article in today's Guardian magazine interviewing those whose partners and children were killed in Afghanistan. I notice they all referred to death/dying/die/killed - no euphemisms for them.

minmooch · 31/10/2015 15:49

I have been pondering g this all afternoon.

I lost twin girls in late pregnancy a number of years ago. To me they were born sleeping as I never knew the moment they died inside me. They never got to open their eyes. Born sleeping is something I can cope with.

My 18 year old son 'passed away' as I said up thread.

My mum died 6 months ago. I can use that word for her but that could be because she died (still relatively young) at 72 after a full life.

We do what we do and say to cope.

ConfusedInBath · 31/10/2015 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 31/10/2015 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SplatterMustard · 31/10/2015 16:10

I write 'sorry to hear your sad news' as at least then it's not staring them in the face if i write 'sorry to hear that your father died' as I don't know what their preference would be other than not to be in the situation of receiving the card in the first place of course.

Enkopkaffetak · 31/10/2015 16:25

Well my mother died this May. However when I have a day where this is far to much reality I say she passed away this May. I can cope far better with that much softer way than the very raw harsh and abrupt died.

I don't actually care what she would have felt about that. It is about me and my levels of coping mechanism that day.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 16:27

"Am so sorry for your loss" says it best for me. Anyone who has lost someone close knows there is a profound sense of loss so that seems appropriate language to me, except possibly when talking to a child who may not have heard the word used in that context. Wording can be tricky I feel as I'm not sorry that I heard about it and don't feel it's news exactly. But I do over think things. Best to just simply say what comes to you after appropriate consideration

derxa · 31/10/2015 17:04

My MIl came to my parents' house on the day of my brother's funeral (he was 32). She is the most unemotional person on earth pain in the arse.
But she said to my parents, 'Sorry for your loss'. It meant the world to me because I knew she meant it.

hollieberrie · 31/10/2015 17:07

It wont be about you, its about the loved ones who are left behind. They are the ones who suffer after a death and they can choose to refer to it however they want.

hollieberrie · 31/10/2015 17:10

I don't actually care what she would have felt about that. It is about me and my levels of coping mechanism that day

Yes, this. Sorry for your loss Enkopkaffetak. I lost my mum a year ago. Its still very raw and I cry every day. Its just whatever gets you through. Sometimes "died" is too harsh for me as well.