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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

176 replies

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 01:25

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

OP posts:
Panickingalot · 31/10/2015 10:33

Yanbu.

I will be dead. I will not be in a "better place" or "with the Angels" or "sleeping tightly".

ConfusedInBath · 31/10/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2015 10:36

I think anybody who can only see one meaning to the word 'lost' has been culturally deprived.

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/10/2015 10:39

I am beginning to feel sorry for the OP. I'm sure this was meant to be (at least a bit!) lighthearted! She was only talking about her own death and was not trying to issue instructions about how people should describe other people's deaths. Of course, discussions on personal matters soon become general and the usual enjoyable discussions on semantics don't apply to such a sensitive subject.

maddening · 31/10/2015 10:41

Surely terminology is down to the people who are having to deal with your death- they are the ones suffering bereavement and dealing with the emotions that come with it - whatever helps them through imo

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 31/10/2015 10:41

I think lots of people are presuming that the only meaning of lost is to loose an object and it's just not. It simple lay means not have any more.

the feeling of loss of not having something when some one dies is much greater than having something and losing it, in fact loss is in that sense an emotion, not act.
As in how much did you loose? We made a massive loss in takings in the last year.

I work for a company that we know is running at a loss, I still feel a loss at not having my friend. I have no emotion connected to the financial state of the company (other than my job might be on the line) I was whelmed by not having my friend.

To say loss/sorry you lost doesn't mean it's fallen down the back of the sofa, you've left it some where, it just means their sorry there's a massive great gap that no one can ever fill, be it your mother/father/child.

Saying sorry your relatives dead doesn't convay any feeling or sympathy. I presume you know your relatives dead, so why do you need to be told, surely it's nicer to have the acknowledgement there's something missing on an emotional level from your life!

HumboldtFog · 31/10/2015 10:45

Completely agree with you OP. Haven't RTFT yet but will do later as I'm interested in the discussion.

I think all this "passing" shite has proliferated over the last decade or so, possibly because English is becoming more Americanised and it was historically used much more there.
All these euphemisms for death are just ridiculous. When my mum died someone wrote on the card on their flowers at the funeral "Sleep well Jxxx " I was so upset by that, she wasn't asleep, she was dead!

I also can't be doing with animals crossing Rainbow Bridge. My dog died 15 years ago. I still miss her every day. But she didn't cross any effing bridge with any rainbows. She died. She's gone. Her memory is the only thing that lives on.

Trills · 31/10/2015 10:50

I clicked on this really worried that this was going to be about organ donation.

hiddenhome2 · 31/10/2015 10:56

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and people will absolutely not accept the word 'death' or 'died' or 'dying' these days. We have had official complaints put in by relatives for using these terms as they indicate a 'lack of compassion'. We cannot even discuss the possibility that their relative might be nearing the end of life (dying) and will usually need to contact the GP to get them to explain instead. Absolutely ridiculous, as all the nurses have many years of both professional and personal experience behind us Hmm

We are currently undergoing training and education in palliative care provision within care homes (Gold Standards Framework) and we have been told by our trainers to absolutely use the words 'died', 'dying' etc. Confused

Death is a huge taboo now and the general population no longer accept plain speaking and a mature attitude towards this natural occurrence.

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 31/10/2015 11:03

Flowers to ConfusedInBath and anyone else who has suffered a bereavement.

I think those who are bereaved have the right to use whatever terms they can manage to get out of their mouths/brains/hearts.

Personally I can quite easily use the term "dead" or "died" but I haven't had anyone really, really close to me die, so there is no emotional overtone to those words.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 11:06

Am so sorry for your loss ConfusedInBath Flowers

Jux · 31/10/2015 11:36

When my cousin died, she died.
When my cousin's son died, he died.
When dh's great aunt died, she died.
When dd's best friend died, she died.
When dd's godfather died, he died.
When my mum died, she died.
When my little brother died, he died.

7 deaths in just under 3 years.

Using euphemisms on the News is crap. People die.

Don't hide from the name or you'll find it even harder to cope with death when it comes close to you. The most sensible thing in Harry Potter is when Hermione says that stuff about fear of the name increasing fear of the thing itself.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 11:40

I'm sorry Jux

morecoffeethanhuman · 31/10/2015 11:47

When my DD1 was 5 she was listening to my mum tell a friend we'd lost my great grandmother...DD told her she'd help look Hmm now we just said died so I'm in agreement

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 11:53

I always find it odd that people care what other people do after they have died. I mean it makes no difference to you what they say. You wont be around to be pissed off by it. Theyre the ones grieving and trying to cope with it, its really up to them how they do that and if saying "passed on" rather than "died" makes it easier fo them then who cares? Certainly not you, you'll be dead.

Abraid2 · 31/10/2015 12:10

I don't think there is anything wrong with the expression, Sorry for your loss.

We had a family bereavement four weeks ago and didn't find it all inappropriate. It was a loss.

My FIL died and we have lost his unique take on life and love of all of us. People saying they are sorry are acknowledging this. We would always say that he died (verb) but his death is a loss (noun).

PussCatTheGoldfish · 31/10/2015 12:19

I usually say 'died' or 'dead' to the DC when talking about various family members. I'm catholic, and in my family we have always been fairly straight talking.

I wouldn't dream of being that blunt regarding someone else's bereavement though. No one intentionally puts their foot in it.

DeoGratias · 31/10/2015 12:22

I use the term those around me want to use to be sensitive to their feelings of course, but my own view is you call a spade a spade and all this hiding of death does not help people deal with death. Call it die.

aprilanne · 31/10/2015 12:26

my mum died suddenly at 62 no illness just a massive heartattack .my father phoned to say to come urgently your mum has passed away if he had said .aprilanne your mum just died 20 minutes ago i probably would have fainted .its just a gentler way of saying tragic news .i cant get your problem

Doublebubblebubble · 31/10/2015 12:31

Right... Could possibly be flamed for this but I agree OP x

I am an atheist

Roussette · 31/10/2015 13:03

I had to write a letter recently to someone I have known most of my life, after her DH dropped dead unexpectedly. There is no way I would be writing "sorry to hear John is dead", I wrote in softer terms because she was really really struggling. The word "dead" was not in my letter and nor should it have been.

For those of you who will always use 'dead' in all circumstances, just bear in mind the grief of those going through it like confusedinBath. Her simple words about her loss of her dear son says it all. Show some compassion and empathy people, it's not your loss, it's someone else's together with all the heartache and grieving they are having to go through.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 31/10/2015 13:14

I've spent all morning pondering this thread and the ramifications of death.
It's a hard one, some people will choose to use phrases like "passed away" and "lost" because of what it means to them.

Bil committed suicide 3 years ago, his family still can't talk about it. It was initially not dealt with sensitively by those doing the informing and the series of events from this caused catastrophic consequences which are still being dealt with. It does make me wonder, if a little more gentleness had been given, if the same things would have happened sorry for being cryptic

It's rare for my DH to reference his db, because it always reminds him of the manner/circumstances surrounding his death. If he does he'll say "lost" because he was lost to them, even before he died. And the loss of him as a living person to all who knew him. His dd lost out on having a dad.

I think it boils down to (for me) that you can't control the grief of others, you don't know how they will deal with it in the end, and if different words help to ease the pain, then surely its a good thing. Death is so final, grief and mourning is for the living.

ButtonMoon88 · 31/10/2015 13:22

It's entirely personal I don't think anyone is right or wrong in this scenario. I could not face telling people my dad was dead. People look at me, my colleagues and peers and expect that I would still have both my parents and I dont, so having to say those words out loud is far too dificult, it's much easier to say my dad passed away. It's not as hard and brutal. I suppose it's denial really, all part of the grieving process.

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 31/10/2015 13:23

I hate fallen asleep but don't mind passed away or lost

Each to their own

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2015 13:33

As others have said, YABU. You'll be dead so you'll no longer have any input or reaction to what is said about you - so it will be up to the live people to say what they want, how they are most comfortable saying it.

Some people like to be blunt and call a spade a spade, and some people prefer to hear it that way; others are more comfortable with using the euphemisms and prefer to hear it that way instead.

Who are you to dictate that people HAVE to do it the way YOU want? You won't be there any more - let them do what makes them feel as comfortable as they can.

Thanks to minmooch, Jux, florentina and everyone else on this thread who is mourning the death of loved ones.