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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

176 replies

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 01:25

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 31/10/2015 07:45

Why can you not at least ask people not to talk about you when you die in a way you dislike? Surely if someone says they don't want you to say they have passed away, it is disrespectful to ignore them? If they say they don't want people to wear black at their funeral, should your wish to wear black override that just because they won't know about it?

Notoedike · 31/10/2015 07:45

When fil died I told my kids he was dead, I was very clear about the language I used so they understood no one was sleeping or lost or in the stars or whatever but it was clear that the in laws did not wish to be so straightforward, so in front of them I used softer less direct terms, so as not to upset them more.
When I die I shall be perfectly happy for the living to dispose of my body/remember me whatever way makes them feel better - I'll be dead, I won't care!

GruntledOne · 31/10/2015 07:46

Another one I dislike - "sorry for", e.g. "sorry for your loss". If you are sorry for someone or something, it means you pity them, and it sounds patronising. The term is "sorry about", ffs.

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 07:56

Speaking as someone who was widowed young I am glad the Internet was not around because post after post saying 'sorry for your loss' would have been so upsetting that I would have wished that I hadn't started the thread.
'Falling asleep' is very worrying for a child.

Alfredoshoes · 31/10/2015 07:58

I think it's fine to use euphemisms, as long as it's completely clear what is meant by the euphemism. I had a friend who spent several days at her father's bedside whilst he was dying. At the end of the second night she sent a text to the family ' he is sleeping now'. This was taken to mean that he had died and the calls made to let friends and family know. He had in fact fallen asleep after a long period of wakefulness and went on to live for nearly another week.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 31/10/2015 08:00

But you won't know what they are saying when you die so why does it even matter which way someone says it, they are obviously saying it in the way they are most comfortable when grieving. Yabu.

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 08:04

Euphemisms are OK as long as they are not going to give children nightmares and make them fearful of going to sleep.

PotteringAlong · 31/10/2015 08:07

But if you're dead then you won't care, especially if you believe there's nothing more. They're terms to help the living, not the dead, and it would be selfish to add to their grief by dictating from beyond the grave how they process that grief.

Roussette · 31/10/2015 08:12

YABU. Salmo you say this...I will be telling my nearest and dearest (and my DH knows this) that I don't want these adjectives used

But it's not up to you, is it? You can't control people from beyond the grave and it's a bit much to even try to. With all due respect, it's the people who are grieving that matter. I speak to many bereaved people who are struggling massively and they can use what term they want if it helps them. For some the word 'dead' is harsh and brutal and they just can't say it, that is their choice. Words, phrases and expressions can be very powerful when you are grieving.

I would hate my family to think they had to use certain terms to describe my death because I had told them so. I would much prefer they come to terms with their grief in their own way, using what words they want to enable that

RaisedByWolves · 31/10/2015 08:26

I recall dimly from an archeology module I took too long ago that funeral rites and practices first and foremost reflect the wishes of the family/ community doing the burying, and not of the deceased.

KOKOagainandagain · 31/10/2015 08:31
differentnameforthis · 31/10/2015 08:31

I will be telling my nearest and dearest (and my DH knows this) that I don't want these adjectives used. then they will be spending their time worrying about how to refer to your death, rather than grieving.

TheHiphopopotamus · 31/10/2015 08:34

I agree with mitzy and I think you need to get over yourself. It won't matter how people refer to you dying, you won't be here.

I'm not religious in any way, shape or form but my relatives can refer to how I've died however they want and in whatever way gives them comfort. You sound like you've never lost anyone close to you, because if you had, you'd realise that none of this matters (I apologise if that's not the case).

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/10/2015 08:36

You need to realise that everything that happens after someone dies is for the benefit of those left behind. They're the ones who have to deal with it.

Mermaidhair · 31/10/2015 08:41

Yabu. People can choose the words in how they refer to your death. If you believe there is nothing after then you won't know or care. When someone dies it is the people left who suffer.

minmooch · 31/10/2015 08:44

When my 18 year old son died after 27 months of tortuous fight against a brain tumour I let everyone know that 'my darling boy had passed away'. His Dad let his side know that 'our darling boy had finally sailed away' with a gorgeous photo of our boy in a sailing boat sailing into the sunset. After such trauma watching our son fight to live and then die it was our way of dealing with the unfathomable in a peaceful way.

If others are annoyed by our choice of words they can frankly fuck off.

My son's death is a massive loss for us. My heart is broken. I am lost. I AM every single cliche that people use after someone dies.

So many people do not know how to talk about death or that person who has died. I am touched when someone mentions my son/my loss/his passing/his death because they are at least acknowledging him and his death.

For those left behind after a death finding anyway to grieve/remember/get through surely it is their choice.

When I die people can refer to my death/passing/loss/sleeping with the angels in anyway they like if it helps them.

NorbertDentressangle · 31/10/2015 08:45

Where has "passed" come from though?

I've always heard "passed away" used but "passed" seems to be a recent thing.

florentina1 · 31/10/2015 08:46

I can understand how you feel, but sometimes using a euphemism is out of respect for the listener.

My mum died last Saturday, she was elderly and the death was not
Unexpected. I have really surprised myself by using different words for her closest elderly relatives. For my children it was easy to just say 'Nan has died'. However I told my neighbour that "I lost my mum" and to others "her passing was very peaceful".

I did not rehearse the words they just seemed natural given the individual situations.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 31/10/2015 08:49

saying "lost" implies they can be found and to be honest my son did not understand this concept he kept asking so where is she can we go find her someone pointed out that she was buried OMG WHY DID YOU DOOOOOO THAT!

dead is an easier concept to grasp

Tapirs · 31/10/2015 08:51

I hated people using euphemisms when my parents died. It seemed to me at the time to be an attempt to skirt the issue and minimise what had happened. They had died. It was horrible. I hadn't carelessly 'lost' them or anything trivial like that.

Anaffaquine · 31/10/2015 08:52

I find other people flinch if I say my mum is dead but not so much if I say she passed away.

SplatterMustard · 31/10/2015 08:54

I couldn't care less what they say, I can be pushing up the daisies, lost or in heaven playing the harp if they like but given my lack of musical talent that is not very likely

buffyajp · 31/10/2015 08:54

Thing is salmo you can't possibly control how people refer to your death and I als think it is rather selfish to deny loved ones the right to grieve how they see fit. They are the ones who will be left behind not you so you don't get to dictate how they can or can't grieve. You won't be in a position to do a damn thing about it anyway.

DinosaursRoar · 31/10/2015 08:58

YABU - how people talk about you when you are dead has nothing to do with you. It's not about you, unless you do believe in an afterlife, then you are no longer in existance and don't have feelings, so it doesn't matter.

Far more importantly, would be telling your nearest and dearest if anyone you are close to (DH, your DCs, your parents etc) dies, you don't want them being refered to as having been lost or passed away. Because that's about how you want to grieve.

YABVU to tell other people how they are allowed to grieve for you (or anyone else). It's none of your bloody business, even if you are the object of that grief.

(I also don't like 'lost' because it's not like they've fallen down the back of the sofa or dropped out of your bag on the way back to the carpark)

AloraRyger · 31/10/2015 09:01

And yet two of the definitions of lose are as follows

be deprived of (a relative or friend) through their death.
"she lost her husband in the fire"

(of a pregnant woman) miscarry (a baby) or suffer the death of (a baby) during childbirth.
"am I going to lose the baby?"

Nothing to do with falling down the back of the sofa or dropping or being able to be found again.