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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

176 replies

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 01:25

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

OP posts:
Playthegameout · 31/10/2015 06:39

My dad died in a hospice. He had cancer and was really suffering. The nurse and doctor, who were with him said he fought death all the way. We knew he was in a lot of pain. We are a staunchly atheist family, none of us are religious in the slightest. But we all said he was in a better place. He wasn't dealing with the pain, the illness and the discomfort.

I'm all for "if you're dead, you're dead", but it's not ok to dictate people's reactions. You can't mitigate the circumstances of your death, you can't prescribe a set of rules for the people who will grieve for you. You'll be dead anyway so you'll have no idea what they say!

Fratelli · 31/10/2015 06:45

I agree. However, we won't get a choice in the matter as we will have passed Grin

derxa · 31/10/2015 06:46

YANBU 'Passed' is awful. My father died this summer and I've often had to explain. Although I've not been as blunt as to say, 'He's deid!' (sic) or 'He's kicked the bucket!' I've never used passed away. Anyway my father was one for plain speaking and at the end of his life he often asked his shepherd to get the gun out and shoot him and asked the vet to 'give me a wee blue pill'.

Enjolrass · 31/10/2015 06:54

As you say when your dead, your dead. So you won't be unhappy, you will be dead.

Personally I have faith there is something more. I don't believe in an organised religion. I was brought up Catholic but don't like organised religion. In reality it doesn't matter. Because if I am wrong, I'll be dead and won't know.

I still don't give a shit what people say about when I am dead. It entirely up to them.

When my nana died I felt lost, literally lost. I felt I had lost her and I had no idea what to do or where to go. When I got home from the hospital I just say for about 8 hours and didn't move. Because I had no idea what to do.

It was 15 years ago and I still feel a sense of loss.

Lost doesn't mean you are expected to find it again. Although some people do expect to be reunited. I got new glasses yesterday. The asked me if I wore my old ones all the time. My answer was 'no I have lost both pairs'. If I thought I was going to find them again, I wouldn't be buying no ones.

I didn't use the word died for years because I just couldn't. I can not imagine my very outspoken and blunt nana wouldn't have given a shit.

Crankycunt · 31/10/2015 06:57

If the person who died was able to express a wish that they should refer to having died instead of passed, lost, fell asleep, then surely that should be honoured as respect for the dead person?

When my time is up, I have no express wish as to what I wish to be referred to.

Enjolrass · 31/10/2015 06:58

I think each person and each situation should be referred to as the person grieving feels most comfortable with.

This exactly. We all grieve different losses differently and think it's important to act with compassion and care to those grieving.

LadyintheRadiator · 31/10/2015 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FindoGask · 31/10/2015 07:11

I really can't find it in me to get annoyed about the words people use to describe their bereavement. My father in law died a few days ago and my husband, his son, says "passed away". Who are you, or anyone, to tell him he's wrong? He watched as his dad was pretty much eaten up by aggressive lung cancer and was with him until the end so I very much doubt he's not sure about what actually happened to him.

GruntledOne · 31/10/2015 07:22

I don't mind lose, but if anyone says I've passed, passed on, passed away or fallen asleep I will come back to haunt them. But I'm fine with snuffed it, kicked the bucket, and things like that.

I really don't get why people say we should just ignore people's wishes when they're dead because they don't know or care. I went to the funeral of an old friend this week: she had planned the funeral carefully before she died. Should we just have ignored her wishes because she wouldn't know whether we did or not?

toomanyeggs · 31/10/2015 07:24

Well...my friend did fall asleep, she just didn't wake up. Although I don't refer to her death that way, but I do says passed away.

To be fair, you'll be DEAD. So you won't actually know how people are referring to it.

Ricardian · 31/10/2015 07:24

I will be telling my nearest and dearest (and my DH knows this) that I don't want these adjectives used.

Verbs.

Ricardian · 31/10/2015 07:28

I dont see how 'lost' or 'passed away' have any kind of religious overtones?

I think the problem is "passed", in isolation, which seems to be a thing of the past decade or so. I suppose it might be an elision of "passed away" but I confess I've always assumed it's an elision of the spiritualist bollocks of "passed over". That sort of stuff is religion, and particularly crass religion at that.

HackerFucker22 · 31/10/2015 07:29

It's just a euphemism though, regarding a bit of a (traditionally although not so much now) taboo subject.

I don't care how people refer to their dead, surely it should be what they feel comfortable with?

AloraRyger · 31/10/2015 07:30

Lots of the plaques in the baby area of the cemetery where dd1 is buried say fell asleep or born asleep/sleeping. I either say we lost her or she died at birth. I see nothing wrong with more gentle terms for what is an utterly devastating bereavement. It was a loss, it is a loss of hopes, dreams and a future as well as of a much loved and eagerly awaited child.

I dislike passed or passed away when referring to dd1 but I won't ever criticise anyone who chooses to use those terms. You do and say whatever you need to to get you through.

Sirzy · 31/10/2015 07:31

I think their is a different between someone giving ideas what they would like and their funeral and telling people exactly how to respond and what words they can and can't use!

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 07:34

I am with you OP and it shouldn't be a taboo subject. It would be much healthier if we discussed it openly.
I always cringe on MN because if someone writes about a loved one dying the whole thread fills up with 'sorry for your loss' - I thought it was just me - but to be charitable it is the easiest sentence to write and they might struggle with anything else. Because we push the subject of death under the carpet we don't have the language to deal with it.

Bloomsberry · 31/10/2015 07:34

Yanbu, 'passed'/'passed over' is the death equivalent of 'trumping' or 'going for a tinkle'. Horrible twee euphemisms. Like a pp, I always hear them in a hushed Derek Acorah/cut-price 'medium' voice.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/10/2015 07:34

Yabvu

When you have died/passed away/whatever it's not about you any more. You're gone.

It's now about the people left alive and how they deal with it and the words used is entirely up to them and their needs.

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 07:36

you would think that you had worked out in life that you can't control others Sirzy - it seems hope over experience to think you can do it after death!
It won't matter- you won't be here!

Lweji · 31/10/2015 07:36

You can't and shouldn't determine what people do after you die.
You can now say people died and insist on using that term.

I agree that lost and passed have many meanings, and sometimes people are so cryptic that I don't realise at first what they mean.

I suppose they could be adjectives. I am so passed. I'm less passed than you. He was the passediest of all.
couldn't resist

AnnieNoMouse · 31/10/2015 07:37

YANBU
When someone dies the searing grief of the bereaved - because the person they loved is DEAD - will not be reduced because other people use soft words and euphemisms and pussy-foot around them. My experience of bereavement was I found that attitude insulting. I'd lost someone close to me - did you think not referring to it make my grief any less ?

DansonslaCapucine · 31/10/2015 07:38

Well, I'm Scottish so I'll be deed. Or pan breed. I'll have dee'd.

KittyandSqueal · 31/10/2015 07:43

We are very careful to use the terms dead or stillborn when talking about dd2.

'We lost our daughter' sounds pretty scary to her 3yo sister.

I guess everyone should use terms that they are comfortable with but its really important when talking to toddlers about death they understand it's different to being lost or passing somewhere.

One thing I've realised is that as a country (maybe a species) we are generally very uncomfortable with death. Even after repeatedly saying we're not religious people insisted and asked to say prayers at the speeding of her ashes.

twirlypoo · 31/10/2015 07:44

My dad died very suddenly and not very pleasantly when he was only 53. I had to call everyone, including my brothers, his brothers, his friends and let them know this horrible news out the blue. I really struggled with what to say because you instinctively want to soften the blow for people. I told my brother he had gone, but I remwmbwr choking on the word dead, because it seemed too blunt.

Death is such a shitty thing, if people feel marginally better using certain words over others then let them. Through the fog of grief its a wonder I remembered my name some days, anything that managed to convey the sentiment of what happened was an achievement.

Signoritawhocansway · 31/10/2015 07:44

My mother died earlier this week. I use "died" around my non-religious friends, but in our religion, we truly believe that she will be resurrected, therefore death is referred to a "falling asleep". This is also how it is described in the Bible. But she is dead, not asleep in the normal "asleep" sense.

But as with everything surrounding death, the sensitivities are for those bereaved. And my main aim is to not offend others... so please, don't pile in and say I'm crackers for believing in the sky fairies on this thread, as I'm not sure I could cope with it right now.