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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

176 replies

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 01:25

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 31/10/2015 02:11

Well the way I look at it death isn't just about the person who's died, it's also about the people who are left behind. And I don't think those who are grieving can really be instructed on these matters. If I die a raging atheist but am grieved for by a Pagan/Christian/Wiccan/Whatever I'm more than happy for them to imagine my death through their own particular set of values if that helps them.

If I'm going to issue any orders it will be more along the lines of 'don't skimp on the funeral buffet' or 'no carnations'.

hairbrushbedhair · 31/10/2015 02:15

I don't think it will bother you that much, after the fact (at all actually)

I think death is far harder on those who remain, they do feel a sense of loss. Something which was there, has gone. I quantify that as losing something you had hence I would talk about losing a loved one.

Original poster
Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 02:20

I'll be saying "Don't skimp on the funeral whisky/beer/etc." Grin

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 31/10/2015 02:21

Too right!

A send off in style.

Shakshuka · 31/10/2015 02:24

The Oxford English Dictionary defines 'to lose' as 'to be deprived of someone through death' (amongst other definitions)

I have no problem saying death or died, I'm not keen on passed away but sometimes use it and 'fell asleep' seems silly to me but 'to lose someone' seems entirely appropriate and totally describes how I have felt following the death of a loved one. It's absolutely a loss.

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/10/2015 02:27

I've only ever seen 'fell asleep' used when talking about the death of a baby. So although it's not a phrase I'd ever use I understand why some people do.

PiperChapstick · 31/10/2015 02:28

I loathe "passed" and "lost" - like death is a dirty word. The latter got me into hot water a few years ago. I saw an ex colleague who'd retired the year before, in town looking a bit vacant and said "hello Arthur long time no see, how are you?". He replied instantly "I've lost my wife" - I said "oh, could she be in one of the shops?" Blush The second after I said it I realised that he meant she'd died, not got lost in town. I was tremendously embarrassed. Luckily he did laugh it off but I felt awful for ages.
Bloody lost, silly word to use Sad

Supermanspants · 31/10/2015 02:29

What an odd thread. Hmm

KoalaDownUnder · 31/10/2015 02:31

Yeah, I don't think that saying you 'lost' someone implies that you don't know where they are. Or that they could potentially be found. Confused

In this context, 'lost' really means that someone dying was a loss from your life. Like losing a job, or a baby.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 31/10/2015 02:34

Having just this last week been to the funeral of my friends DD I'm perfectly happy to let her use 'fell asleep'. Whatever helps her and her DH get through the most painful time a parent can face.

As for me, I'll be dead - people can call it whatever they like to help them cope - assuming hoping there's anyone bothered Smile
I've never been too precious about death to be fair. I tend to come from the angle that it's the only thing that I KNOW will happen to me at some point.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/10/2015 02:38

I don't care what people say when I'm gone.

Insisting on people not using specific words (as if you actually could) is verging on just as precious, IMO.

Secondtimeround75 · 31/10/2015 02:45

YABU

don't be an arse.
It isn't up up to you or even about you how people grieve.
My best friend died in February ,I do and say what I need too.
It's very hard to be left behind, don't make it harder.

mileend2bermondsey · 31/10/2015 02:48

I agree with Mitzy. When youre dead youre dead, what difference does it make if your friends/family use certain words which are not as blunt?
I dont see how 'lost' or 'passed away' have any kind of religious overtones? 'Passed on' perhaps.
I am very firmly atheist but I cant say I'd be bothered about what terminology my loved ones use after my death. My Christian mother would probably say I'd 'gone to a better place' and think I was in heaven. Who am I to tell her what to believe and say? Especially after I'm dead ffs.

YABU

AugustaHill · 31/10/2015 02:56
  1. You say that when you die you will be dead.
  2. But you also say that you you "won't be happy" if people say that you have passed rather than you have died
  3. But, as you initially state, you will be dead, nothing else.
  4. So you won't be capable of being happy or unhappy. You will be dead.
  5. But you will leave people behind who grieve your death/passing/loss/whatever you want to call it. So I think the correct word to use is whatever helps them grieve best/causes them least pain.
  6. It could be perceived as very selfish/precious that you insist on something that can literally have no effect on your state of being (because you are dead) to the detriment of someone who loves you/was loved by you.

You'll be dead. You literally will not give a fuck about anything that happens. You'll be dead.

LaLyra · 31/10/2015 03:10

I don't care what people will want to use when I'm dead.

My Nana always used died, until my mother died. Then she said lost. That accurately summed up how she felt. She lost her daughter. She would often say she'd gone to a better place as well. She wasn't wrong - my mother was a drug addled, alcoholic in a violent relationship with a life she hated before being riddled with a condition that made every day agony for her. Dead was a better place than that.

When I die if saying she passed/fell asleep/danced on a purple cloud makes them feel better then they can go for it.

Same with my funeral. I won't be there so they can choose whatever send off they see fit and will help them.

I only don't like fell asleep around children as I heard it when my Great-Grampa died when I was 5 and sleep scared me for a while.

BoxofSnails · 31/10/2015 03:23

I talk about death a lot (occupational hazard) and I think being clear and matter of fact about it really helps people.
At home, DH uses 'passed away'. Drives me potty. Whilst I do have a faith, "went to be with the Lord" is best avoided outside of the church as it's not understood and potentially disrespectful.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 31/10/2015 03:35

Just on loosing their mum sorry but your children will have lost something from their lives. You. You won't be with them. You'll be dead. You won't be able to tell them you love them. They won't be able to phone you up. They won't recieve your comfort. They won't have your friendship. Yes they've gor something missing from their lives. They've lost it.

A friend of mine died 6 years ago his best friends daughter still asks where he is, the loss his best friend felt/feels is tangeable, I gave him a present a present my friend knows I used to give to our other friend, I said to him look it's something I want you to have as I know our friend would want the "joke" to continue, all he could say was oh don't make me cry. There's times he has exciting news and he goes I'll just phone 'Bob' he even has his phone in his hand sometimes before He's face falls and he remembers. The saddest part of his daughters holy communion a couple of years ago was her God dad looking through his phone so Bob could see her in her pretty dress! Death I'm affraid is a massive loss, so much of our lives are missing now he's not here.

You don't want to be lost, don't die then. You might be just dead, but the people you've left behind will feel like they've lost everything!

JoySzasz · 31/10/2015 04:06

YABU
And insensitive.
You can tell your family your wishes.
I think it is a bit rich to come here and say what you think appropriate.

babymouse · 31/10/2015 04:46

But you'll be dead so it won't matter to you will it? Wink

.I've experienced a bereavement this summer and it's the first time I've actually had to let someone know that someone else has died. And it isn't easy as you don't want to upset random people that ask why they haven't seen so and so lately (and frankly I don't want to dredge up any grief in a random public place when I'm not ready for it) That's why I use 'passed away'. But I have to agree with using the term sleeping, that's just a weird image for me (but obviously it gives some people comfort).

EnglishWeddingGuest · 31/10/2015 05:01

I do think it's a loss
Death involves a Loss of all sorts of things

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:05

I don't like passed/passing. Mainly because I used to frequent an American chat board where they'd use it about their pets. It seems american for me.

I don't mind any of the others. Death is a huge loss isn't it? The biggest loss. Every other loss pales into insignificance next to death.

honkinghaddock · 31/10/2015 06:15

I prefer to say died and describe my son as being stillborn rather than the other phrases that are sometimes used but I think people can use the language they want to use.

Sirzy · 31/10/2015 06:20

I think it's quite Insensitive to try to tell people who love you how to grieve when you are not there.

People should use whatever language gives them comfort.

Pseudo341 · 31/10/2015 06:26

When I'm dead I will be dead so I won't know how people are describing my death. If they want to say passed away they can, it's a phrase I use too, and I'm a rabid atheist. There's a grave in my local graveyard where the guy is described as "gone fishing", I think it's rather sweet. I'd be a bit put out if I knew they decided to give me a religious funeral in a church, but I guess it won't affect me, I suppose I'd be more disappointed that I'd failed to raise my kids as good critical thinkers than really care that my body was having daft superstitious rites done over it.

PositiveAttitude · 31/10/2015 06:30

When our daughter died a number of people referred to her as being "lost". I really really hated this with an absolute insane fury No, I did not take her somewhere, leave her, forget her and walk away, which, to me, is more like a lost teddy. No, she DIED!!! If I lost her it felt as if it was somehow more my fault......I didn't need that sort of thing on top of the grief.

However, my mum is now at the end stages of Alzheimers and I do say that I feel that I lost the real mum years ago due to this disease. She has yet to die, but she has been lost.

I think each person and each situation should be referred to as the person grieving feels most comfortable with.