To be perfectly prepared to be flamed for this BUT when I die... (possibly sensitive)

[Salmotrutta]

I will have DIED.

I do not want people to say I have "passed" or "passed away".

I am becoming increasingly aware of friends and colleagues referring to people "passing" and I don't want people to say this about me when I die.

When I die I won't be passing anything or passing anywhere.

I will have just DIED.

Minmooch I am so sorry for your loss. I remember reading about your son on here. I too lost my son to a brain tumour after surgery and it is utterly devastating. No one gets to tell me or my family how we describe our sons death, they just don't. I completely agree with you that if others don't like it then too bad.

It's an Americanism that really gets on my nerves. All this "sensitive" talk about how my Mum passed on. NO. She did not "pass on". She died.

BUUUUT. Go read The American Way of Death by Jessica Mitford. It's part of a whole phobia about death and dying in the US. They really don't like it.

Of course the dictionary definitions reflect usage. They're not cast in stone nor are inherent properties of words.
It's still ok not to agree or like that usage.

Yabu.
Words and forms of speech about loved ones are about the only thing we have control over when someone dies.
Your thread is ill thought out, and frankly,cruel.

Minmooch I saw your threads about your ds too. I love "sailed away".

And, as someone who has had.a.mc, I.do use the term "lost the baby" because I did.
I lost the Chance at being his/her mum,of seeing him/her grow up and introducing him/her to their fAmily.
So.
Yeah.
fuck off.

I'm with all the pps who say they don't care, they'll be dead.

I can't you don't get to tell someone how to grieve for their mum you just don't. It is exceptionally cruel to lecture someone who is grieving on the correct terminology ( in your opinion) to use. There are euphemisms I am not overly keen on but that is completely irrelevant when it comes to someone else's grief and how they deal with it including describing the death as they see fit. The op described herself as a raging atheist, well that doesn't mean she gets to impose her views on those who will be left behind to live with the reality of her loss and I think it is very uncaring and selfish to not consider that. After all if her view is correct then what is she worried about, she won't know a damned thing about it.

Icant, you saying Americans really don't like death. Oh, please tell me who does like it?

to both minmooch and florentina for your losses. The thing is - we don't know what words we will want to use until that time comes and for the one who has died to dictate how we verbalise our loss (yes, loss, it's a word I am comfortable with) is crass.

I lost my dad last year and he is lost to me because I'll never get him back.

When im dead, I probably wont have an opinion one way or the other what terminology people prefer to use.

Passing is about passing over to the other side isnt it. Kind of spiritual. I like it, but I dont mind died either.

Could have some sort of monty python list of terms at the funeral

When the late Terry Pratchett was trying to sell Mort in the States they apparently asked him to get rid of Death because they thought that the American public wouldn't like it.

I live in quite a religious town. A lot of the death announcements here state that the person is " at home with the lord" or "called home" that sort of thing. Quite a lot of "fell asleep" as well. I'm not at all religious but when my grandma died I struggled to say the word dead/died for some reason so found myself saying passed away. My grandma was religious but my grandad wasnt so their gravestone doesnt mention any religion at all. Just that they died, in a way it seems a bit cold.

When I die I'm not fussed at all what people say, they'll all find their own way of saying it. We're in Scotland so it's very likely my DH would say "broon breed"

I see where you're coming from, although I do think it's slightly odd to care about how your death is referred to after the event.

What really needs to happen is that society in general needs to be less scared of death so that people don't feel the need to use softer, fluffier ways to say 'died' in the first place.

My DH died last year, and sometimes I will say that I lost him because his physical presence was lost from my life, but more often if I need to say anything I say that he died. I have found that many people are very scared of death, or of facing the deaths of people they love, and that's what the real problem is. We need to accept death as part of life so that people can talk about it without the uncomfortable awkwardness that often surrounds it and then causes people to shimmy around it.

But if you're dead then you won't care, especially if you believe there's nothing more.

But surely exactly the same could be said of someone's wishes for their funeral, or their wish that a particular possession (not named in their will) should go to a specific person? Are we entitled to ignore that?

I think it's a bit like making plans for your own funeral ....
During your life-time you settle on certain beliefs you find helpful or most true for you, you maybe think oh that hymn or reading or way of doing things might be nice, and perhaps you pass on some of those thoughts to your nearest and dearest - ideally with the thought that it may help them to have some ideas of what you might have wanted at what may be a difficult time for them. But at the end of the day, however slightly odd it seems, you won't really be there to see your on funeral - or indeed to hear how others talk of your death. As there will be many individuals affected by it you can only really expect there will be considerable diversity in the language used and beliefs, ideas, and traditions underlying these.
At the end of the day your own passing - to wherever or to a peaceful nowhere - just isn't all about you. Though I don't think it's unreasonable to hope it may reflect some of your beliefs and ideas

I grew up in the US at a time when "passed away" was the common euphemism. But some time after I moved here, I began to notice that this usage had changed (in a very typical American way, e.g. babysitter becomes sitter) to just "passed" (in American novels and friends/family usage, etc.). It still sounds very, very odd (and weirdly disrespectful) to me: my first reflexive confusion is still: passed what?

What a stupid, cruel and insulting thread. I don't even know here to begin son won't bother. And that's coming from a completely non religious person.

These terms are often used because saying someone is dead is just too painful it's too final

I can't see why it really matters and if you have a strong belief in some form of after life, soul lives on, heaven, purgatory etc the word dead does not hold quite the same meaning

I think people can use whatever language it takes to get them through the day.

However I'm a police officer and occasionally have to tell someone a relative has died. We've been told to use the word 'dead'/'died' as apparently people do genuinely get confused by euphemisms and don't realise you're telling them of a death.

Both DC were told that my mother had died and gone to Heaven. I don't believe in Heaven but it conveyed the message that she wasn't coming back.

Now that they are older, they often talk about how it's dangerous to run in the road, jump off walls etc because 'you could bang your head and get died'. They clearly don't fear the term, which makes me pleased.

Having said that, I think it's a bit prescriptive to tell less close people what they can say at your funeral. Family yes, others no.

I use died personally.

At work I would use passed away to a relative who has just lost their loved one. It just seems more gentler when they are still in shock.

I definitely prefer to call a spade a spade. When someone has died, they're not coming back and only continue to exist in the memories of those still living. I don't believe in resurrection, reincarnation or any of that. This is all there is and when your time's up, that's it. Might as well enjoy the life we have while it's here.

I can understand so many of the comments here. My own feelings; I couldn't bear to say that someone that I loved had died although obviously at times I would have to say that. I think sometimes I would say that I had 'lost' them......lost them from my life. It's a very personal thing and there are personal preferences and also certain etiquettes thrown into the mix. I guess once we have died we ain't gonna have a clue how people will describe our absence from the world. I certainly wouldn't pull anyone up on their terminology as it's darn painful enough as it is.