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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think life should change with a baby?

336 replies

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 06:09

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

OP posts:
FairNotFair · 29/10/2015 09:43

You're beautiful, OP Flowers

Skiptonlass · 29/10/2015 09:44

Both sets of grandparents are arriving for a visit this week and I will be leaving my little one in their loving care for an hour or so and having a bath/sleep walk etc. ;)

Only1scoop · 29/10/2015 09:44

Booseihs Thanks

DeepBlueLake · 29/10/2015 09:44

I'm sure my DS will survive just fine and I can't say I've noticed he's less attached to me just because I left him with his grandparents for one night.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 29/10/2015 09:45

Oh how I wish I had had gps or family to care for my babies! Never had that luxury so dh and I had to go out separately until youngest dc was around 15 months when a kind friend offered to babysit for us every couple of months - dcs asleep in bed.

I started going out on my own during the evenings from when my dcs were 2 weeks old and if anyone offered to take my babies for an hour to walk them in the pram during the day it was gratefully accepted! Went away for weekend by myself when youngest was 2. That was nearly 30 years ago!!

Relatives of ours who have a baby have a date night every Friday when gm has baby overnight - have done this since baby was 4 weeks old. Baby is breastfed so mum just expresses the milk and leaves bottles with gm. Baby very contented, sleeps through night etc. I am so envious!!

BUT everyone to their own arrangements.

Original poster
broodylicious · 29/10/2015 09:46

Op, I think you need to work out why your baby is so unsettled. What you are describing is not normal at 13 weeks old - my 13 week old is a great sleeper. My dd1 was a bad sleeper thanks to the four month sleep regression, hence the waking every 45 mins.

aye, smugness over superior parenting? Not smug. Not superior.

only1, rod for my own back? So if I'd have left dd1 with my parents for the weekend, she wouldn't have gone through her sleep regression?

OP posts:
mewkins · 29/10/2015 09:47

But life does change - even those people who have the odd night out, get to the gym or even a weekend away have the other trillion billion interminable hours of parenthood (unless they have an army of nannies on hand). I think it was really really important for me to get some time away - I feel stifled and lost if I can't have some thinking space and that isn't good for anyone. There are no prizes for spending 24/7 with your baby if there is someone willing and able to help you out.

Only1scoop · 29/10/2015 09:49

Not nice being judged is it Op....

Here have aBiscuitwith your morning cuppa....

If you get chance

maybebabybee · 29/10/2015 09:50

OP are you genuinely so pigheaded that you really can't understand why it isn't selfish for parents to want some time away from their children?

Kids can be a bloody pain in the backside sometimes, like most human beings. It's healthy and normal to want an evening out, or a few hours to yourself to get some jobs done.

BinToHellAndBack · 29/10/2015 09:52

OP you are perfectly entitled to feel like this and therefore not leave your children with others.

Plenty of others feel the same and plenty don't. Both are fine so long as children safe, loved, and looked after.

No good can come from a statement like your OP though - those that agree will agree. Those that leave their kids with grandparents/babysitters etc occasionally will understandably bristle as it's no-one else place to say that they shouldn't. Anyone who is genuinely neglectful of their kids and dumps them with whoever just because it suits them won't give a toss.

UngratefulMoo · 29/10/2015 09:54

I remember planning a much-needed night out with friends when DD was about 3mo. I had been carefully expressing milk for two days to make sure she had enough and was in the process of decanting the last 2floz into the open bottle with the rest when my hand slipped and knocked the whole lot over the worktop and kitchen floor! I cried.

I think YABU to see it as putting life on hold. Of course life changes but you are still a person and have needs too. Not saying they should supercede those of your baby but they are still important.

teawamutu · 29/10/2015 09:56

Smug: "contentedly confident of one's ability, superiority, or correctness; complacent."

Hate to break it to you...

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 10:01

OP, I for one am with you. I didn't have my children until I was in my 30s. In my 20s I went out with friends, on "dates" with my dh, weekends away etc etc. By the time we were in our 30s and decided to start a family we were totally ready for that and have thrown ourselves into it completely.
Our children are now 9 and 14 months. We haven't had a night out just the two of us since dd1 was born. Do we "need" it? Of course we don't. We get time off every evening when they're in bed and we go all over the place as a family. That's what we are now you see- a family. Not a pair of singles or a couple with no responsibilities free to live the highlife with trips abroad and boozy weekenders (and yes I know parents who do both of these things).
I await the predictable biscuits from those who disagree.

BumWad · 29/10/2015 10:01

I agree with some of what you are saying.

I was completely shocked at how many of my friends couldn't wait to leave their newborns (4/8 week olds) and have their first night out. Or saying how trapped they felt and needed to go out every day. The first thing I was asked by some friends I'd met was "have you been out yet?" whereas going out of an evening without baby hadn't even crossed my mind.

I think this is a culture thing and has a lot to do with the low breastfeeding rates in the UK.

Many mothers (not all!) do not want their babies with them all the time. Whereas in a lot of other countries babies really do not leave their mothers 24/7 they are carried etc.

However I see no harm in having a night off when baby is a bit older and can be looked after by grandparents.

In all honesty I have not craved a night off and not had one, baby is 22 weeks old. It doesn't bother me. I'm not a mummy martyr and maybe I'm not that into socialising but I have waited a long time to be a parent (stillbirth/fertility issues) that I am just savouring it.

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 10:03

Biscuit for smug posters who can't see that other people's lives are different to theirs.

singsongsungagain - do you think I should have stopped spending time with my DH?

BumWad · 29/10/2015 10:03

Singsong like you I was all parties out in my 20s and have travelled the world so don't feel like I am missing anything.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/10/2015 10:05

To me it depends who the baby is left with, and whether the baby is happy there. I don't see a problem with a baby being left with grandparents for a few hours, but I'm less keen on the idea of a baby being left overnight with a teenage babysitter. Babies need to have their needs met, and those needs must come before the need of a parent to have a night out. However, the needs of a baby can be met by a loving grandparent or other relative, not just the parents.

I do think its important for children to spend enough time with their parents though, and wouldn't think it was a great idea for a couple to both work full-time and then spend the whole weekend away from their child too. Children need to bond with their parents and to feel important.

Only1scoop · 29/10/2015 10:07

Sing I'm actually pretty much the same as you. Dp and I are older parents we have been out together about twice as a couple since we had dd 5 years ago. Very occasionally dd will have a sleep over with GP to facilitate a clash of work rosters. Only ever happened a few times.

However I would never choose to judge parents that choose to leave their DC with willing GP etc to have a break and some time for themselves.

Bloody good on them I'd say.

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 10:09

Boo- I spent lots of time with my dh. We spent lots of time together as a family. At 8pm ish the kids go to bed and we have time alone. You don't need to be out of the house to have time alone!

DeepBlueLake · 29/10/2015 10:12

God these posts are so fucking judgey. I must be a shit mum with no love for my child because I left my son for one night with loving family. Best not mention he was in nursery before 6 monthsGrin

I adore my son, I truly do but I also value my relationship with my dh a lot and I think spending time with him without DS is important. Quite frankly people do a hell of a lot worse to dc than go on a night out every now and again.

Thanks boosie

SheGotAllDaMoves · 29/10/2015 10:14

OP those of us on the other side of parenting know that there are so many different ways to do it successfully.

When DC are small it's easy to convince yourself that only one approach is right. But the years tell us differently.

My DC are 16 and bloody fab. Happy, clever, creative, confident, flexible. Their childhood had been a real joy to me.

My relationship with their dad is as strong as ever.

Did I go out when they were babies? Yes. I met friends. I also went out with their dad. We started having weekends away when they were 18 months.

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 10:14

Sinsonsung - you clearly didn't read my first post here.

Biscuit
BumWad · 29/10/2015 10:16

Boosie we get that there are circumstances beyond control where baby has to be left (like yours)

Singsong and op were clearly not referring to them kind of situations.

I think you need to stop taking it so personally

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 10:17

Boo, having just read back I have now seen it. I'm sure that your experience was horrific and I'm sure that you felt the need for space to talk. I get that completely.
I also don't believe for a second that everyone who craves a night out/weekend away/piss up with friends etc etc is experiencing what you did.
I hope that you are ok and I'll take your biscuit and give you some Flowers

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 10:20

thank you.

All I mean - and BumWad perhaps I am taking this personally - is that people shouldn't judge until they understand the circumstances.

Perhaps a mother is struggling with PND and needs some time out to let herself feel better.

Or perhaps her DP works all hours and she never gets 5 mins to herself during the week.

Why do you feel the need to judge people on the basis of your own experience without thinking about theirs.