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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think life should change with a baby?

336 replies

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 06:09

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 29/10/2015 08:43

Yabu. Unlike positive I'm a working lp of 2 who never gets a break (7 yrs now). I can safely say it totally fucks you up, mentally and physically.

WhatamessIgotinto · 29/10/2015 08:44

Everyone has opinions and you're all fibbers if you're honestly telling me you're not judgemental.

Actually OP you're right, I'm judging you right now as the kind if smug parent I actively steer clear of.

maybebabybee · 29/10/2015 08:45

Oh and also my parents never ever had any time alone as a couple. Everything they did revolved around us kids. It was a major contributing factor to their divorce.

Enjolrass · 29/10/2015 08:50

Everyone has opinions and you're all fibbers if you're honestly telling me you're not judgemental.

me and sil parent quite differently. My nephews are loved and taken care of. Wouldn't enter my head to judge her

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2015 08:50

Unless you're talking about a parent who goes out on the piss when their baby is only a few days old, I really really think this attitude of 'my life must revolve around my babies' does the child no good whatsoever. I genuinely believe going out occasionally is in the child's interest, and has the lovely byproduct of you getting some time out. Win, win.

Anecdotally of course, but my dd2 has just started reception. About 3 of the children have cried every day and struggled to settle. Yup, all children of the parent martyrs who have never left them.

Enjolrass · 29/10/2015 08:50

Maybe we should get some badges printed with this on?

And t shirts and hoodies

avocadoghost · 29/10/2015 08:57

Aaaahahaha OP, oh no.

DD is 5 months. We've had one evening out together since she was born (and we were only out two hours!) and hopefully having an afternoon out on Sunday for our anniversary. She'll be with my mum, who loves her very much and will do an excellent job of looking after her for a few hours.

There are also days where I have had to get out by myself because I've acknowledged that I'm not coping with things very well sometimes and I need a little time to myself for my own mental health. (And in fact it's DH who often pushes me to go, reminds me to check in with myself from time to time.)

And that isn't selfish. Of course my (our) lives have changed since having a baby. But you don't stop being people just because you become parents.

Stinkilinky · 29/10/2015 09:10

We had a particularly difficult time with our DS when he was around 4 weeks, my DM offered to have him for the afternoon while DP and I went out for some food. It was a God send and I really needed that small break.

DS is 17 weeks now and pretty much sleeps through the night. He stays with my DM once a month so that DP and I can have some us time. I don't think that is selfish at all. We are fully aware how much our lives have changed since having him and wouldn't change it for the world.

shutupanddance · 29/10/2015 09:12

I agree op.

slightlyconfused85 · 29/10/2015 09:20

'DS is 17 weeks now and pretty much sleeps through the night'. Totally not the point of the thread but jealous!!!
I agree with you too- I bet your mum loves having him

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 09:22

Oh good GOD.

OP - i am glad you can sit in your little judgmental tower.

DS was left with my parents for 3 days when he was about 5 months old, and had been left for hours with them since he was tiny. and yes I was BF and expressing and he was ebf until 4 months.

The reason that we needed to leave DS with my parents was that my DH had been diagnosed with metastasised melanoma when DS was 6 weeks. We didn't know how long he had to live. We needed some time together to be together and process what was going on. And cry not in front of the baby and try to work out how the hell we were going to carry on.

I hope you feel you can judge other parents now, when you have NO idea what is going on in their lives.

Groovee · 29/10/2015 09:23

Each to their own!

What suits one mother, may not suit another!

maybebabybee · 29/10/2015 09:28

Boosiehs I am so sorry, how fucking awful

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 09:30

thanks Maybebabybee.

ValancyJane · 29/10/2015 09:30

God, how judgmental are you?! I'm six months pregnant with a very much wanted DD, and live in the same town as my DP's parents and my Mum. When I feel ready to leave her, hell yes I will be taking advantage of our willing babysitters and leaving her for a few hours with her grandparents while we go to the cinema / pub / dinner (maybe all bloody three!). If we did this several times a week, yes I'd say it might be excessive in my opinion. If we did this once a fortnight for a little break (even just to catch up on sleep!) it's fine in my opinion, and will be good for her to have a great relationship with her grandparents, something I didn't have due to distance.

I'm also quite looking forward to the day I feel ready to leave my DD with my DP for a few hours and nip out to the pub with my friends and have a glass of wine. Feel free to judge away!

EatShitDerek · 29/10/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liletsthepink · 29/10/2015 09:35

Op, I think you need to work out why your baby is so unsettled. What you are describing is not normal at 13 weeks old. My DC were all sleeping for at least a few hours at a time. You and your baby must be completely exhausted and you would feel much better if you had a few hours away with time to yourself and a decent nights sleep.

AyeAmarok · 29/10/2015 09:36

If your baby didn't sleep more than 45 minutes, then I think your smugness over your superior parenting is misplaced. But it does explain why nobody wanted to babysit overnight you didn't feel you could leave them with anyone else.

Only1scoop · 29/10/2015 09:37

Your DC sound exhausting Op

Wonder why I'm thinking that doesn't surprise me and you've made a rod for your own back.

Original poster

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 09:37

boosiehs, I'm so sorry to hear that. Must have been the most horrendous time, balancing the joy of a newborn with the devastation of DH's news. I can't imagine what you'd have been through.

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 29/10/2015 09:39

yeah well broody, maybe you want to quit with the judging then?

teawamutu · 29/10/2015 09:39

Ok OP, you're the best mother ever and far superior to selfish slatterns like me who left babies for a few hours with random people like their own father or adoring grandparents.

Your way is The Only Way.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

liletsthepink · 29/10/2015 09:40

Op, sorry I misread your earlier post about your DC being 13 months not 13 weeks before she slept through. I take my hat off to you for surviving that and having another baby!

Skiptonlass · 29/10/2015 09:41

I absolutely adore my little newborn. Can spend hours gazing at him while we feed...

I also need time to myself to function as an adult.

It's not the norm historically to have one parent totally devoted to a child. In most cultures and in our own culture in times past there would be a gaggle of aunties, siblings, friends and grandparents willing to hold the baby ( and even bf it) for a bit while mum is cooking/hunting/gathering etc.

No need to be a martyr. The 'alone with baby' thing is probably one reason we have just high rates of post partum depression- babies are hard work and it's good to have backup and support

Boosiehs · 29/10/2015 09:42

Well then broodylicious perhaps you want to think about other parents' circumstances before being a judgmental arse.

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