to think life should change with a baby?

[broodylicious]

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

I'm a bit with OP here, but think it's not expressed brilliantly. I find it hard to hear of babies left overnight with someone they don't spend most, if not all, of their time with at five/six weeks old without thinking 'but what did you have a baby for?'. It's just not a position I can empathise with. And yet I happily went back to work full time when DS was 6 months old, and got judged for that too, but there's something about the fourth trimester which is about establishing that relationship.

But tbh, most of my unease comes from when I detect outside pressure to do so - either from grandparents who can't wait to play parents again with baby, or a partner or friends who rush mum into 'getting back to normal' when normal has now changed.

I wonder if a member of the judgy pants brigade could tell me if you were as equally judgy of the differences between individuals before they you had kids or if this ego trip is particular to parenting?

singsong, thank you for a voice of support I've also had my babies in my 30s, after years of wonderful far flung holidays, wild weekends away and tons of nights out. Having had all of that, I feel as though I was ready to start a family and settle down. That's probably why I feel apparently so differently about this than the majority here.

jeni, I think you're right. I prob posted without sanity checking. Maybe the use of different wording would mean there'd have been less bitchiness towards me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing....

Let me give you an example Boo. Some neighbours of mine who I've known for years have a dd. She has spent an equal amount of time with GPS as with her own parents. There are no mitigating reasons for this at all. Her dm and dd are often out/away over night. When she was 5 they went on a two week holiday without her. When they got back they met her at the school gates. She barely acknowledged them and instead cried that she wanted to go to her GPS for tea.

I think I'll win the worst mother in the world award for this one, I left dd2 (but my 3rd dc) with my mum the day after she was born for 1 hour while i attended dd1 first ever school nativity, the school has a very strict no younger sibbling rule. I felt guilty for leaving dd2, ds was left to digging myself a bigger whole here, but i would have felt even worse for dd1 to be the only child that didn't have her parents to their to watch her.

I am a FTM in my 30s, who went out in her 20s and has travelled. I've still arranged to go on a night out with my friends when my baby is 4 and a bit months old. She'll be with DP (her dad) who she is perfectly happy with. What a terrible mother this must make me in some of your eyes - bite me

I consider myself a good mum. I spend lots of time interacting with my baby e.g. reading stories, singing nursery rhymes, baby massage, taking her to activities etc. Some parents have their baby with them at all times, but stick them on the play mat etc and pay no attention to them. Being with a child 24/7 doesn't necessarily make you a good parent.

Oh good, I was wondering when singsong was going to pop up.

What about those with MH issues who need some alone time, singsong?

I still hate leaving my younger DC, they're 8 and 4. DD 8 seems very anxious, even if I go out of the area when she's at school, but I think not telling her would cause trust issues.

Maybe- do you think that is the explanation for my neighbours going away for two weeks then?

I find mother who focus all the time and energy on a baby and neglect thier relationship are the couples who tend to argue more.

I'm so glad DC have loving grandparents and dh and I are able to go away for the weekend once a year. Then every. 6-8 weeks go for a meal.

As much as I adore my DC I love dh as well and enjoy spending time with him without the DC being around.

These situations are very dependent upon circumstances.
When I was a single parent to 2 young dc's in my early 20's my parents had dc's one night a month. Believe me I needed the break.
However, they were not babies.

singsong I have no idea whatsoever, not knowing them IRL

I do know however that if you're going to make massively sweeping statements like the OP's that you are going to get a wide range of different experiences as to why people might want to leave their kids. Even if none apply, it's not unreasonable to just want to spend some time alone or with your partner because you are a human being with your own thoughts, needs and feelings. It doesn't mean you don't love your DC. In many cases having some time away from them makes many people (not all) a better parent.

I also think - and you can disagree - that it's important and healthy for DC to see their parents having their own interests and lives that don't necessarily always include them. I do not, personally, believe that dedicating yourself to your DC 7 days a week is healthy for either you or them.

Women should be able to do what they think is best - be it stay at home with baby or pop out for a few hours with dp or friends once in a while. Here are a few reasons why it's good to go out:

1. It's healthy for baby to have bonding time with a grandparent or someone else other than mum, so they can cope when you're ill or working.

1. I can't see why going out every month or so would harm baby in any way.

1. I also think watching a grandma dealing with baby gives you a few extra tips and strategies to use yourself. And scientific studies say that the reason women have the menopause but live for so long is that she can be a productive grandparent.

1. Spending time out and about with dp is good for your relationship

1. Going out with your friends keeps up those social links that are so important to us humans.

But, if you prefer not to then that's ok too. Just be prepared for baby to grow into a child that finds you not being there more uncomfortable.

I think everyone is different. I don't agree with going out every weekend or going to extremes like that.
However there is alot worse you can do to your children than having a break occasionally.
For me personally my very much wanted DD has been left with my mum and mil for a couple of hours in the day/evening (she's 7.5months) and even though I spent most of my time away from her worrying and missing her. I loved seeing my friends for a meal and going to the movies with my husband.

broody I don't think your parenting obsession is very healthy.

Parenting obsession?! Do explain.

I don't judge other people for what they choose to do, but I went into parenthood with the view that if I hadn't wanted anything to change about my life I wouldn't have had a baby! So I'm not a mummy martyr but I kind of think (for me!) the first few years are all about the baby/child – BUT I think part of that is knowing that they are not the centre of the universe, so my DC don't always get their own way and they do get left with other people. But my life is very different. I would be interested in discussing this on a less goady thread! Because other people I know with babies take a range of different approaches (from the mummy martyr to the leave 2 week old with grandparents for a date night to the one who does everything she used to do but with baby in a sling). There's no right or wrong way.

Parenting obsession??!! Oh my word!!!

Op do you feel like you are failing at parenting, so want to drag others down with you?

I spent my 20s partying and I've travelled the world twice on my own. I'm 35 with a successful career and my son is my rainbow baby after 2 years ttc and a mc. I still don't think leaving him for 3 hours with his grandma once a month is a problem. He knows her and she's great with him, plus he would be asleep.

I think it was the use of the word 'selfish' that got peoples backs up OP. New mums should be understanding and supportive of each other and your post came across as very judgemental of people you don't know.

There does seem to be a general view from some that everyone had capable and willing grandparents on tap and on demand. This is simply not the case.

I've also had my babies in my 30s, after years of wonderful far flung holidays, wild weekends away and tons of nights out. Having had all of that, I feel as though I was ready to start a family and settle down.

There's probably something in this op. I had ds when I was 32 and have never really felt the need to have time away from him - I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with him and when I've had a night away from him (he's almost 5 now) I can't wait to pick him up. Our house feels too quiet without him! I did my hedonism before I hit 30 and was ready to settle. But sometimes it's good to force yourself to have a night out, especially as a couple. Your dp/ dh will (hopefully) still be around long after your dc have flown the nest - it's so important to take care of each other and occasionally remind yourselves that you exist as individuals and a couple as well as a family iyswim?

Weirdly it's not the blind drunk evenings i sometimes miss - it's the catching a film at the cinema when it premieres or whatever. I am fed up of seeing the Facebook updates from single, childless people who have already seen Spectre! We've had to ask my dsd to schedule us into her hectic diary so we can watch it in two weeks!

mumontherun, seriously?