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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think life should change with a baby?

336 replies

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 06:09

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

OP posts:
usual · 30/10/2015 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JasperDamerel · 30/10/2015 17:41

We don't have family nearby, and reciprocal babysitting tends only to work as a very occasional thing, and not really ever with young breastfed babies, or for a whole night. In my circle it's pretty usual for parents not to have a full night away from their children until the youngest is around five - we are mostly people without family nearby, or people whose close relatives are older and need care themselves.

I have no objection to people leaving their babies with grandparents, but there really does seem to be an equal amount if smuggery from people who have healthy relatives with time to spare living nearby, and who think that everyone is in this position.

Narp · 30/10/2015 17:49

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Narp · 30/10/2015 17:51

Ignore me

Strokethefurrywall · 30/10/2015 17:52

Good grief - Im quite happy to tell my DH that is like some time alone, I don't think that signals the end of our marriage frankly. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself and our two small boys.

In fact I'm heading up to NYC in December for 3 nights and I can't wait. 3 days when I can switch my brain off, enjoy a lie in, read my book in peace and wander Manhattan without having to consider the needs of anyone else. Lovely.

And when my DH wants to go away with his friends for a weekend then he can rock on - I consider equal time alone to do our own thing as healthy in our marriage.

Sociallyawks · 30/10/2015 17:52

I like time apart from my DP and vice versa.

itsmeohlord · 30/10/2015 17:52

TO those who say they will put off going out until their kids have flown the nest, be warned

You could very well have the ageing parents to contend with.

I left a three week old baby with his grandparents for a few hours one Xmas. Good time had by all - grandparents thrilled to be in charge and trusted (and they were brilliant ) and I had a great night out.

sparechange · 30/10/2015 17:52

So Sing, while your DCs are asleep, are you just kneeling next to them gazing at them and thinking about how life changing they are?

Because if you aren't, what difference does it make if you are sat downstairs eating and shagging, or sat in a nice restaurant down the road eating while someone else is in your house?

sparechange · 30/10/2015 17:57

jasper reciprocal baby sitting is very common where I live (London) precisely because very few people have family nearby.
Plenty of friends with older children are dying to have a snuggly baby for a night (who can be fed expressed milk) and plenty of friends with babies are happy to have a bouncy toddler for a bit as well.
Maybe you just need to start the ball rolling and suggest it to some friends? Unless you are all so frazzled from your lack of nights off that no one can face the idea of it? Wink

couldusesomeadvice · 30/10/2015 18:03

Singsong do fuck off.
Take your smug attitude elsewhere.

Funnily enough I don't come home from a night out or a weekend away then sit ds down and say "son I really needed that time away from you, you drive me mental sometimes, I needed to recharge"

I hate martyrs. Newsflash, you aren't any better than the rest of us.

LaLyra · 30/10/2015 18:12

Life should change. Mine certainly did. I still went out every other weekend right enough, but that saved my sanity.

My twins didn't sleep. They screamed. A lot. When one was asleep the other was screaming. It was like being tag teamed. I was depressed at my failings - I couldn't settle them (though turns out there were actual reasons for that), I couldn't BF them because of my own medication and my relationship with their father had gone to shit so they had a broken home.

For the first 7/8 months of their lives I lived for every other Friday when my amazing SIL would swoop in and take them away. I could heat hot food, sleep, and go out with my friend and feel like a human. It gave me the boost I needed for Saturday night when they came back and the fortnight started over again.

People might judge me, but that "abandoning" of them, from around 8 weeks old, has made me a much better parent. Without it I fear what would have become of the three of us.

Mine all still stay with family at the weekend. MIL and FIL are gutted (although hidden from the kids) when they've got something on that precludes them staying over on a Saturday.

I believe it firmly benefits them as well. When I broke my leg none of them batted an eyelid about being collected and staying over with PIL or SIL. They have a strong, individual, relationship with each of them and the benefits of that are fantastic.

One of my DD's used to cry when I collected her from SIL's. They had a sandpit better than ours. My nephew used to do the same to SIL when he stayed at my house because we had a fish tank. It doesn't reflect badly at all on our parenting imo, I can't imagine why anyone would think it would!

Original poster
broodylicious · 30/10/2015 18:23

I'm still here narp.

Fwiw, reading some of these posts has made me see things differently. I object to some of the personal, very bitchy attacks that came my way but I acknowledge that this is a controversial area so I get that. I do appreciate what many are saying about needing to keep marriage and friendships going; while dh and I are stronger than ever (yeah, that is smug but it's true so not apologising), I can see that a few hours "off duty" would feel like a mini holiday for both of us and it could be quite refreshing. I still feel that our 13 week old is too young to be left for the night (due to being ebf, teething and quite needy right now), but I think I will be looking to perhaps introduce expressed bottles into her routine in a few months to allow us a few hours to catch a film or just go for a pub lunch alone.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 30/10/2015 18:52

Not jealous of strokes NYC trip at all Envy lucky bugger

LaLyra · 30/10/2015 18:54

Also, speaking as someone brought up by Grandparents. If parents are genuinely shit and neglectful then the children are better off with their grandparents.

Better a parent accepts they are struggling or not coping and ask for help than one who bows to society pressure to do it all alone and then crack completely.

PiperChapstick · 30/10/2015 18:57

broody pleased this thread has changed your mindset a little, and you should go out only when you're ready, 13 weeks is still quite young so don't feel you need to justify staying in in any way

Philoslothy · 30/10/2015 19:03

I can't help but wonder how some of you would feel if your dh/dp announced that they needed time away from you for the sake of their emotional well being. Thank God my children know that my happiness is not dependent on their occasional absences.

I would think that my DH was a very sensible man.

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 19:03

So Sing, while your DCs are asleep, are you just kneeling next to them gazing at them and thinking about how life changing they are?

No funnily enough I'm sat downstairs. If they wake up I (or dh) am there. First thing in the morning I am there- no hangover to nurse or general exhaustion from my night out to contend with.

Philoslothy · 30/10/2015 19:04

OP, I hope you enjoy that time with your husband. Well done for coming back and saying that you have had a slight rethink, too many people refuse to do so.

MitzyLeFrouf · 30/10/2015 19:23

no hangover to nurse or general exhaustion from my night out to contend with.

All your comments are laced with such judgement. Not everyone who is having a sociable time is having a drunk time!

MitzyLeFrouf · 30/10/2015 19:24

I can't help but wonder how some of you would feel if your dh/dp announced that they needed time away from you for the sake of their emotional well being.

I'd say 'go do it'. Go for a drink with your friends/play football/go see that film.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 19:32

Very odd posts. Of course couples need time away from their partner for their emotional well being- I love it!

LaLaLaaaa · 30/10/2015 19:52

Smile OP that's great - I'm hoping to do the same!

Original poster
broodylicious · 30/10/2015 19:59

On the point of dh needing his own time - I frequently tell him to bugger off out! I think him being with 30,000 other football fans chanting and ranting does him the world of good every other week. I don't even mind if he comes back stinking of beer either the three year old tells him he stinks so I don't need to!

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 30/10/2015 20:49

I can't help but wonder how some of you would feel if your dh/dp announced that they needed time away from you for the sake of their emotional well being.

We have said this to each other. Neither is offended and it does us both the world of good. Singsong you measure of any loving relationship seems to be on how much time you're in someone's physical presence. Always being at home does not = good parent. And your comments are so snarky and sullen that I'm beginning to wonder if the lady doth protest too much

Oysterbabe · 30/10/2015 20:49

I love my DH going to the football every other weekend. I find alone time really relaxing. I go to my bookclub frequently and I think he likes that too. That's normal isn't it?

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