Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Original poster

to think life should change with a baby?

336 replies

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 06:09

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

OP posts:

JasperDamerel · 30/10/2015 11:39

I had a constantly breastfeeding, bottle refusing baby, whose closest relative (other than her parents) lived 5 hours away.

If she'd taken a bottle, good be longer between feeds and had a grandparent nearby, then I would probably have left her with grandparents from time to time. But that wasn't really an option, so I stayed with her all the time, and it was actually very nice (although also quite relentless), and I look back on those days with fondness. Most of my friends with children were in a similar position so we did stuff together with babies in tow, and had friends without children round to our house. I still very rarely leave the children to out, but that's because babysitters are too expensive for anything other than very special occasions, and because i generally prefer staying in.

Shutthatdoor · 30/10/2015 11:41

With some opinions on this thread, it feels as if I have been asleep and woken up back in the 1950s

Singsong What your neighbours do is actually none of your business. The children aren't neglected.

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 11:43

I am neither bitter not judgemental. I'm fine thanks! My point is and remains that for most people it is perfectly possibly to survive without going out every weekend child free. Yes I accept there's a middle ground but to be honest my comments have been referring to the kind of people who, according to their Facebook pages, are rarely in on a Friday/Saturday night and to those like my neighbour whose children must seriously question who their parents are.
My children have a relationship with their grandparents by the way, a happy and loving one.

Bubblesinthesummer · 30/10/2015 11:45

like my neighbour whose children must seriously question who their parents are.

Nothing likeep a bit of good old exaggeration

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 11:47

Do you not think it's unusual then for parents to go away for two weeks and the child, on seeing them for the first time, to barely acknowledge them and then complain because their arrival means they can't go back to their grandparents because I do!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 30/10/2015 11:48

Look I hardly ever go out or ever have time away from the kids. Mainly because I cant be bothered and also sorting childcare is a pain in the arse. But that does not make me feel in anyway im doing anything 'right' or better than anyone else, I just dont understand why people feel martyring themselves and being tied to their husbands/kids makes them better parents than those who don't.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 30/10/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maybebabybee · 30/10/2015 11:50

I just dont understand why people feel martyring themselves and being tied to their husbands/kids makes them better parents than those who don't.

YY to this.

maybebabybee · 30/10/2015 11:51

I wish my parents had gone out more as couple. They might have stayed together.

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 11:52

But I'm not a martyr and I don't feel tied to them! As I've repeatedly stated, I'm enjoying them while they are young. When they're all grown up and have flown the nest then I'll have ample time to socialise. I'm fine for now.

maybebabybee · 30/10/2015 11:53

Yes but singsong you are judging people who don't do as you do. That's why people are getting upset. I personally couldn't give a monkey's even if you want to surgically attach yourself to your child's arm, I just have a massive problem with you implying parents who go out at the weekend are inferior.

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 11:53

Sharon I've reported your post which is just an attack- personal and completely unnecessary.

Funinthesun15 · 30/10/2015 12:59

Yes but singsong you are judging people who don't do as you do. That's why people are getting upset. I personally couldn't give a monkey's even if you want to surgically attach yourself to your child's arm, I just have a massive problem with you implying parents who go out at the weekend are inferior.

My thoughts exactly

Sociallyawks · 30/10/2015 14:25

singsong you do realise that a lot of what people put on Facebook doesn't truly reflect their life? I don't know why it bothers you so much, as long as their children are happy and healthy, surely that's the main thing?

Some people like to stay in with their DCs, some people go out. Horses for courses.

Tealtowel · 30/10/2015 14:40

Me and my DH have not been out alone since our child was born 18 months ago. Hes never been left with anyone other than me or DH. Not for any reason in particular. Weve not really had any offers. But he is sooo clingy and screams if we leave him in a room with someone else just to go to the loo. We have another on the way. I have no idea what were going to do when I go in to labour.

Philoslothy · 30/10/2015 14:44

We have had 6 babies, the greatest gift we have given those children is a secure loving marriage. We regularly go out as a couple and go on holiday on our own.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 30/10/2015 14:51

No hatred here, just think you're being a little harsh/judgemental.

Have you ever heard the saying "it takes a village ... "? Leaving a child (even a very small one) with family is nothing new (been going on for centuries) , I'd have loved to have been able to have a few hours to relax/sleep/go to the cinema etc. Just once and again, unfortunately I didn't have the opportunity to do so, so if you do, and baby is safe and cared for, then (on occasion) I say go for it.

JasperDamerel · 30/10/2015 15:50

But going out without your babies/children doesn't mean that you have a secure marriage. It is probably an indication that at least one of you values the company of the other enough to sort out/pay for a babysitter, but no more that.

Spending time bonding with your partner is important, and good for your children, but that doesn't mean leaving the children behind. Nights in can be as good as nights out, and sneaky don't-wake-the-baby sex actually involved more fun, imagination and experimentation than any child-free weekend away I've been on.

Time without kids is nice if you can arrange it, but it's only really necessary if you move in the kind of circles where babies and children aren't welcome at much.

When I had my first child, I became very aware of just how unhelpful the nuclear family is as a structure for raising children in. I really wanted to live in a sort of extended tribe of family and friends where we could all look after each other's babies from time to time, and all get a bit of a break from the relentless neediness of infants and spend some time doing work/activities which weren't just about child rearing. I had to make do with what I had, just like everyone else, and did the best I could with the situation I was in. Different people just grab what they can from that ideal, because we don't live that sort of society.

sparechange · 30/10/2015 16:04

Nights in can be as good as nights out, and sneaky don't-wake-the-baby sex actually involved more fun, imagination and experimentation than any child-free weekend away I've been on.

You need better weekends away if they are not quite as good as shagging on your sofa

Sociallyawks · 30/10/2015 16:11

^this

ijustwannadance · 30/10/2015 16:11

Time child free is absolutely necessary for me. Might only be once a fortnight but it's essential for my own wellbeing and mental state and that break helps me better able to be a good mum. It has zero effect on my child as she is having a great time elsewhere for a few hours.

JasperDamerel · 30/10/2015 16:33

How do you lot all manage it? I only know one couple who manage to get regular time away from their children, and that's because the wife's parents moved nearby which causes at least as much extra stress as is relieved by the babysitting.

Seriously, how the hell do you do it?
How much do you earn to be able to afford babysitting for regular nights and weekends away?

It's a nice luxury if you can get it, but calling it a necessity seems crazy when it's so far from being an option for so many people.

JasperDamerel · 30/10/2015 16:34

Also, I suspect you might be doing shagging in the house wrong

sparechange · 30/10/2015 16:37

jasper
Reciprocal arrangements with friends, babysitters from nursery, family.
2 of the 3 are free, then you cut your cloth for spending money on a meal, or a night away.

I don't think anyone is talking about hiring a weekend nanny so they can go and ride the Orient Express.
Read the first post - it is about the abject horror of babies being left with grandparents while parents enjoy some time together and the baby enjoys some time with their GPs

Singsongsungagain · 30/10/2015 17:31

I can't help but wonder how some of you would feel if your dh/dp announced that they needed time away from you for the sake of their emotional well being. Thank God my children know that my happiness is not dependent on their occasional absences.

You know, children are a choice. Have them or don't, have one, have ten, but if you're going to have them make the most of them. Some of you make having children sound like a complete nightmare which you wouldn't ever survive without a night off.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread