to think life should change with a baby?

[broodylicious]

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

So singsong, because someone might go out with a friend for something to eat or a chat, leaving their baby with a loving grandparent, that means their children are not their number one priority?

You sound just super. Very well done to you.

Well I managed to enjoy my DCs childhood and go out with friends and DH and work etc

Why this bothers you singsong I don't know. Should that not compute?

Because my identity is not just "mommy". "Mommy" is one of my many titles I juggle in my life.

My daughter also belongs to no one. She is not "mine" to hoard. She is an individual person in her own right and deserves to have a relationship with her grandparents.

My child is also not my life's purpose. I love her too much to put that much pressure on her. I would lay down my life for her, but I cannot give it over to her. She deserves to grow up knowing she is secure without the burden of knowing so much of my life rides on her existence.

Also, I like having time to myself. DD is no worse off having a weekend away each month with the grandparents so I can recharge and go back to her with enough emotional energy to be a present mother that's there with her instead of one that simply goes through the motions.

Honeysuckle yes!! Back in the "olden days" we all lived near family and friends and leaving the baby with your Mam/Gran/Aunties once in a while was normal.

Now so many of us live in families distant from support, try and do it all ourselves and feel dreadful when we "fail".

Secure babies are the ones who don't scream and bleat and are happy to be left for a wee bit because they know Mum comes back. It is good for them to develop that resilience. Well attached babies are the ones who are confident to handle the occasional detachment.

For those of us who love tiny babies but don't have one (or any DCs), getting to look after someone else's for a few hours is a delight!

Now so many of us live in families distant from support, try and do it all ourselves and feel dreadful when we "fail"

This. When I had DD1 we lived 100's of miles away from any family/close friends. Consequently I didn't leave DD1 with anyone other than DH for even an hour until she was about 20 months old. I thought that was 'normal' and what being a mother was all about. We now live close to family and I've realised I'd have been more than happy to leave her for the odd evening while DH and I had a break if I'd had the opportunity. In fact I think it would have made me a happier person and better parent. As it is I'm completely burnt out. Now have DC2 and have family who would love to have them both while we had some time together and I'd be happy to leave them for a few hours, but she is a bottle refuser. Maybe one day!

'Kin Hell.

Worst mummy award goes to me.

When my eldest was 3 days old I left her for 3 hours to go and get my hair done. With my mum.

When my youngest was about hte same age I left her alone with MIL and DH for about the same amount of time whilst I had a bath and a sleep.

And when she was 4 weeks old, I left her all day and over night into the afternoon of the next day.

I have the two most well adjusted, happy, confident girls I know.

And despite the fact I'm not bothered about the fact I left them so young for rather shallow reasons:

My eldest and the hair appointment: During pregnancy, I was dumped by my then bf (of 3 years) because I refused an abortion. I had SPD and pre-natal depression. By the time baby arrived I was a shell and felt horrendous. THe hair appointment, luckily, snapped me out of it.

When my youngest was 4 weeks old - away from me for about 36hours: I had 48 steroid injections in my spine and through my stomach so needed to do no heavy lifting, and my mum thought it would be better if my DH could concentrate on nurturing his wife without distractions. We also used the time to go the cinema. And it felt amazing.

popalot 3. I also think watching a grandma dealing with baby gives you a few extra tips and strategies to use yourself. And scientific studies say that the reason women have the menopause but live for so long is that she can be a productive grandparent.

Hear hear!! The in laws are here for their first visit right now and I've already learned a few very useful soothing tips from dps mum! Gps and dh gave me the night off (basically amusing him while I had a bath and an early night, bringing him up for feeds ) and it's made me feel much less tired.

I think kids benefit from having several loving adults in their lives. Ds had a really calm evening and slept great. Everyone's happy! I honestly cannot see how that is negative

Fantastic post senpai!

My dd1 is brilliantly independent. She goes away on Brownie camp etc etc without batting an eye. She is independent, in my opinion, because she is totally confident that when she gets back, we'll be there because we're always there and always have been. She's never been an inconvenience to us, standing in the way of a night out or a trip to the cinema.
I think that if you are the sort of parent who is out drinking every weekend whilst someone looks after your child then it is difficult to argue that your children come first. That isn't aimed at anyone on this thread by the way, just a general observation of some of the parents I have seen in rl.
I refered up thread to some neighbours of mine. It's been half term this week and the mum has been off work. Despite this, the child has spent every single day with grandparents- over nights as well as during the days. She was returned home late last night, by 6am today her mum was going out. She's probably seen her daughter all told this week for around 3 hours, despite it being half term.
"It takes a village to raise a child", hmmm, well primarily it takes a parent.

singsong how are you parenting your children if you're spending all your time snooping on your neighbour and cataloging when they go in or out? More so why do you even care enough to notice? You have no idea what's going on in her life. Raising a child is tough enough without judgemental parents like you reigning down their superiority. You and your kind are the reason so many parents are insecure in what they do.

I'm also confused as to what you think other families do? Your girls are secure when they come back from Brownie camp knowing you're there - do you think other parents are constantly absent? Or do you think that when mum and dad have a date night, the child gets put to bed by grandma knowing they will see mum and dad when they wake up?

I'm afraid as much as you think you're Best Mummy you're no different or better to anyone who doesn't martyr themselves and stay in. If you don't actually want to go out then that's one thing - but accept other parents do and that doesn't make them wrong because it's not what you do. Read senpais above and give yourself a talk

He he Piper. My youngest daughter has been ill this week so I've spent a lot of time standing in the window cuddling her. That's how I'm parenting my children. My dh has been off work too as it's half term and has been entertaining dd1. Hope that's ok.

By the way, I've known these neighbours for 15 years. I know them very well. I knew them very well when then went away for two weeks without their daughter when she was 5 and did it again when she was 6. The daughter didn't go anywhere on her holidays (no money left you see). I know, because Facebook makes it clear) quite how often their daughter is babysat so that they can go out drinking and subsequently can recover from their hangovers.

I also know what impact this has had and continues to have on their daughter. These aren't strangers to me. They are people I know very well and have known for a long time.

Well I was being quite tongue in cheek about the snooping but I didn't realise you were actually standing in the window while looking after your child!! How odd. Why not comfort her while she's in her bed or on the sofa?
What you're not getting is no one child is an inconvenience to any parent here but now and again they want to do something other than look after a child while a competent adult who the children adore anyway and will see anyway watches them. Do you really think it's an awful thing to do for parents to go on a date night?

Re your question about Brownie camp, I know a number of children who won't go at all, who cry every morning at the school gates and yes, their parents are the exact ones who are to be found in the local every weekend.

Children need security. They need consistency and they need to be a priority.

Piper, my youngest is 14 months old. She takes comfort from being cuddled whilst we look out of the window at the birds etc. I don't know why this is and would ask her on your behalf but she is only 14 months old so I suspect her answer won't be desperately clear.

singsong you do realise there is a whole world between out every weekend and never going out ever.

You sound very extreme both in your actions and mind set.

No singsong you don't know them that well. Unless you live with them you can't get a good measure of their lives and why they do what they do. Facebook statuses doesn't mean you know a person. I bet they'd be horrified an old friend was on an Internet forum trying to demonise them. I'm afraid you won't get the "oh my that's awful yes singsong you're amazing for not being like that". You may be a dedicated parent but it doesn't make you a nice person.

I too think a close and loving relationship with other people, particularly grandparents, is crucial. This is a really special bond. My parents have a sign above their door: "Your grandchildren are your reward for not strangling your kids!" Ds loves staying at theirs. He gets spoilt, they indulge him and he gets their undivided attention. Why would I want to deprive him of this? My own relationship with my nan was similar and I actually used to get very grumpy about returning home again (despite having a happy home to go back to). Singsong my sister finds that often half term is spent satisfying the numerous relations who want to see my niece. It's usually when she spends a couple of nights at my parents' house. They want to see her, she wants to see them. During term time her dd has homework and after school clubs to go to (at my niece's instigation I should add) and so school holidays mean there's more time to ensure her dd sees relatives. Perhaps that's the case with your neighbours.

For you're never out of the house how do you know these exact parents are in the local every weekend? Maybe their crying is nothing to do with their parents having "me time" now and again and the fact that they are children and sometimes they get upset over hangs like that. Unless you're a child psychologist?

I bet your DDs insistence on going to the window fits in very conveniently with your righteous snooping schedule?

I also think it's unhealthy for children never to spend time away from their parents (with grandparents and such like) and build that bond because a parent insists they have to constantly have a physical presence in order to tick their "good parent" box. I actually think it's mean to deprive children of that bond with people who love hem as much as grandparents do. From about 9 onwards of spend the whole summer hols with my grandparents in a city 2 hours away and I loved every moment and cried when I came home. When I did come home my mother was a happier person for having some time to herself which was well deserved when she had 3 kids and a full time job.

Ha! My baby is ten weeks old today and I'm going out tonight. And whispers it's not the first time.

And it isn't for some 'noble' reason which may exempt me from judgement - I'm going on the piss. The odd night out isn't going to harm anyone.
Nor are the four days I'll be spending with my mates in Spain in a couple of weeks. Their father is a perfectly capable parent and it won't do himany harm to walk a mile in my shoes.

The suggestion that I might feel like my children are standing in the way of nights out is ludicrous. If I was a lone parent without family support I would just get on with it. However I have a husband and two sets of grandparents who love our children and facilitate us being able to do stuff.

He he. I've spent a lot of hours in the window this week as my aching arms will testify.
As previously stated, I have known my neighbours for 15 years. They are not Facebook acquaintances- they simply choose to post pictures of their nights out on there on a weekly basis. They are well into their 40s and have a child- I just find it a bit sad really.
Re taking the opportunity to see family at half term, this child's grandparents look after her half the week during term time. They live 5 minutes away. This isn't some sort of happy holiday reunion, this is the normal run of things.

Um, my parents live close by too - I am not talking about 4 hour trip! They simply like to see their grandchildren and dsis often suggests they might like her for a couple of nights during most holidays.

Singsong you win at parenting. The rest of us must bow down to your superior parenting.

I too rock my child in a window, but I also would quite like to have s couple of hours out of the house without him so that dh and I can catch up on being a couple, as well as being parents. We will probably spend any dinner time we have talking about our DS and how we have made this amazing human being who is so cute and funny. But we might also talk about our hopes for the future of our relationship and have a breather and take stock of our new lives. We don't get time to talk at home anymore, because he works shifts and I go to bed early so that I can do the night feeds. So two hours out of the house together, whilst my DM (who visits once a month because she lives 400 miles away - don't want to be accused of having a GP 'on tap' after all) sits in our house while he sleeps. She loves him almost as much as we do and is extremely good with him, and he thinks she's wonderful.

I think it's important to remember who you are as a person, and who you are as a couple, as well as being mummy and daddy. My DS is the most important person in my life now and I hope he will be proud of his mummy someday and the person she is, so I'd rather not lose sight of my identity.

I can't stand the smug judging of other people and other parents.