to think life should change with a baby?

[broodylicious]

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

Maybe you'll feel differently singsong when your dd is 5 or 6, completely her own person and able to clearly voice her wants and needs, therefore very happy and willing to let you know that she's perfectly happy with other people and can cope without you? This was a massive leap for me - a time when your child's confidence shines and you're no longer the centre of their world in the way you once were.

Singsong, we DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOUR NEIGHBOURS DO!

And nor should you. If you were as busy with your own children as you claim, you wouldn't have TIME.

I echo the poster above - you might be a dedicated parent, but you're coming across as a horribly smug and judgemental one. Not sure that's a positive attitude for a child to spend all its time round, TBH.

My two have just returned from four days with my parents. Everyone had a wonderful time - my mum describes the GP-GC relationship as 'the perfect love', my DC had a fantastic adventure with people who love them almost as much as we do, DH and I got to go out a couple of times, do some decorating and also work without running round picking up and dropping off.

Apparently morally, to some (deluded) posters, that's no different to dumping them on strangers every night to go and hang out in a crack den. Feel like I've been short changing myself all these years.

My DPs looked after my DD regularly from a few weeks old, My DS however, was a little clingy so never had overnight stays. Both are fine now they are adults and they have a lovely close relationship with their GPs - as I did growing up (used to spend every other Sat night at my GPs and have annual holidays with them). I think it's also important to have a break and spend child free time with friends.

Op you are very judgemental. Each to their own I think, how I brought up my children may not be for others and that's fine but I wouldn't criticise them for doing things differently, and don't expect to be criticised for my choices!

Sing, my parents never ever went out. My mum was a SAHM and was there for me and my brother 100% of the time when we came home from school, before we left for school, all school holidays. At primary we even came home for our lunch. My parents spent time with us at the weekend, and were there when we went to bed and when we got up. We didn't stay with relatives, though sometimes when we were tiny and sleeping, they had friends round for dinner. My mother in particular devoted her life to us.

And guess what? I HATED being separated from my mum. I hated leaving her to go to school, and I would have cried my heart out at the prospect of Brownie camp. I always think now that I'd be more resilient if I hadn't been with her constantly. She died a few years ago and it was like my world had ended.

My point is that you really have no idea whether your daughters would have turned out differently if you'd had a couple of nights out every few months, or even been in the boozer every weekend. Maybe they're just naturally resilient - so try not to sprain your shoulder when you're patting yourself on the back.

Also, while it's nice that your daughters are gorgeous, I'm not quite sure how that's relevant to the discussion. My son didn't get exponentially less cute each time he was left with his grandparents.

Little lion I have two children the oldest of which is 9.

I honestly don't understand why people are so judgemental. My DDs stay at their grandparents house once a week overnight and have done since they were little. They have a fantastic relationship with them and are spoilt rotten every time they are there. I had a similar relationship with my nana (who has now died) and have lovely memories of the time we spent together. Does that mean I'm a worse parent than someone who never leaves their child? No! I think I am a better parent for having some time away and have far more patience as a result!!

Judgemental people are generally unhappy people KeepSmiling.

Sorry missed that singsong. Does she never stay at friend's or relatives' houses though? Does she never express a wish to?

Yes she stays at friends houses and goes on Brownie camps etc but not for the sake of my childcare needs. When she does go we still have dd2 so that doesn't provide night out opportunities.

Anyone that invested in feeling superior because they've never gone out or had any kind of outside interest would probably benefit from, erm, getting out more...

I get out every day when I go to work. For me that's enough time away from my children already without adding to it.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

It's ridiculous to say that if you have a baby, you should never leave it with anyone else.

It's just as ridiculous to say that if you can't leave your baby, or are uncomfortable doing so, then you are neurotic/a martyr/ boring/ bringing your child up wrong/ damaging your mental health.

Can we not just accept that different things work for different families with different circumstances, and that maybe there are several possible ways of bringing up a baby with love, care and happiness all round, and that not everyone who does things differently from you is wrong?

That goes for the OP and for the posters who seem to be equally smug about their babies gurgling happily in the arms of their grandparents for varying periods of time.

Fair enough to feel that way - as long as you accept that's because it works FOR YOU, rather than because you're special and better than everyone who does, occasionally, fancy doing something adult-centred.

Which isn't coming across in the way you post, quite frankly.

Jasper, x-post but just to be clear - I agree with you completely. I don't think anyone should leave their DC if they don't want to, or stay home all the time if they have loving family to step in.

My issue is with people who've turned their choice to stay home into the One True Way.

With each and every post sing you sound more of a complete arse.
Good for you with your utter lack of social life and martyr status. I for one would hate to be you am sooooo jealous and aspire to be just the same

Even the judgers will be judged!

Yes some people can be smug about never being parted from their children during leisure time but you can bet that another parent somewhere is judging those parents for going out to work. Their One True Way is to spend all waking (and sleeping hours) in their children's company.

Well indeed. Going to work is a necessity for us sadly. I'd far prefer not to and that's I suppose one of the reasons why I could never want to add to the time I'm forced to be away from my children.

Having said that, I am setting an example of myself as a hard working woman in a professional job. My children have never seen me drunk or heard me regale tales of my hangovers.

I personally don't understand the issue. I BF on demand but for my own sanity my and DP went for dinner on my birthday leaving him with my mother when he turned 12 weeks.

YABVVU - maybe you wouldn't be saying this if you were perhaps in the position for someone to have your children for your and DH to go out.

I also believe that children actually need to spend time with others for their personal development etc

Aha!

In the thread I referred to yesterday

'I remember a thread where a poster who wanted to put her baby in child care twice a week for an hour each time so she could go to the gym, was told she'd cause her baby emotional damage and abandonment issues. (!)'

I think you were one of her main critics on that thread. It's coming back to me now.......you felt massively guilty about leaving your second child in a nursery?

I did feel you were projecting your anxieties about your own perceived parental failings onto that poster. It doesn't sound as though you've progressed much.

To be honest Sugars I don't know how you did that- and I don't mean in a "how could you do that" kind of way but in a practical sense. In the days of on demand feeding I couldn't leave my child at all as on demand meant just that! Eating a full meal at home was often interesting at 12 weeks let alone going out!

He he Mitzy! I don't have any perceived failings as a mother. I'm doing the best I can, as we all are. My "best" means that I don't have any desire to go out socialising in the evenings/at weekends that's all. My best just means that I'm around for every moment I possibly can be.

Singsong it was hard work. Lots of expressing in advance! There are still plenty of days I'm confined to the sofa with a baby attached to breast

But singsong there's a world of different between someone who allows their parents to raise their children while they get pissed every night and someone who encourages relationships with wider family and takes a little time for themselves. If your parents or ILs were nearby are you honestly saying you would never go out for dinner with your DH or friends and let your DC spend time with their DGPs?

I feel very fortunate that our parents are close enough that my children spend time with them, they see them once a week while we are at work and they love having sleepovers at their houses on the rare occasions that we go out.

It sounds like you begrudge parents who have wider family around. It doesn't make you a better parent than anyone else you know. I'm sure we'd all survive if we didn't have our families nearby, but seeing as they are around, why wouldn't we embrace the help and encourage those relationships with our children? You sound very bitter and judgmental.