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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think life should change with a baby?

336 replies

broodylicious · 29/10/2015 06:09

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

OP posts:
Crazypetlady · 29/10/2015 17:41

YABVU

DS is five months. I haven't been out once without him yet. My dp is amazing with him and will have him all day if I'm there but he is still nervous of being left fully alone with him in case something goes wrong.I have told him it isn't fair and we are starting slowly me being out of the house.

It is hard dp works long hours and my ds cries and screams everytime I put him down .

Our relationship went out of the window when ds was born we argued and really disliked each other due to exhaustion. We are back on track now but could do with a nice meal out.

I had pnd and part of it was not being able to leave ds. I don't trust anyone enough to watch ds so me and dp can go out, the people i do trust live ninety minutes away.

My point being I love my son more than anything but I know parents need a break sometimes. I have not left my son yet like yourself op but I do not think any less of people who do. If I had the chance of a meal out with d.p I would take it.

BoboChic · 29/10/2015 18:17

It's all right to leave babies with a grandparent! Really, OP!

msgrinch · 29/10/2015 18:20

YABVU. Im so sick of women judging other mothers on their choices. It's pathetic. In ten years no one will give a toss whether you stayed constantly attached to your child.

It's perfectly healthy and normal to have time away from children. It's great for them to bond with their other family members. My ds is so close to my mum and has been since he was tiny. She has him every other Friday evening and they love their time together.

I'm a single mother (since he was born), I work full time, devote all my time and energy to my little boy. That 4 hour period a fortnight is my time to breathe and be me for a bit.

Get off your high horse and quit with the shitty attitude before it rubs off on your children. You are not perfect dear.

msgrinch · 29/10/2015 18:23

Crazypetlady Flowers pnd is awful. I hope you get a meal out with your dp soon. Just remember your baby will grow out of this and it will get brighter and easier, everyday is a step forward.

Eminado · 29/10/2015 18:36

Get off your high horse and quit with the shitty attitude before it rubs off on your children. You are not perfect dear.

^^
Exactly.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 29/10/2015 18:45

Well done on your martyrdom. Some people like to have the odd night off. DH and I probably go out together once every 2-3 months and I don't feel remotely guilty about that. I don't want to look back in 10 years time and realise that we've put all of ourselves into the children at the expense of our relationship with each other, because putting time into our relationship is what will keep us strong as a couple, so we can be strong as parents, together. Maybe other couples don't need to do that, but I'm not naive enough to be 100% confident that we don't need to put the effort in.

By all means do what you want, but don't judge others, it's very unbecoming.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 29/10/2015 18:46

Your life still changes massively if you have the odd night , day or weekend away from your kids. The odd bit of time off, making the parents happier and more relaxed, will often have a positive affect on kids, as their parents come back better able to parent.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/10/2015 18:54

I really can't work out if the OP is being deliberately goady or just thick that she can't get her brain around the notion that other parents do things differently...

LittleBearPad · 29/10/2015 19:11

I can't work out the point of this thread at all but I think the former is more likely Stroke

Spectre8 · 29/10/2015 19:13

Mind your own business quite frankly and just concentrate on your family. Why do people feel they have the right to sit and judge other people for their choices when it doesn't impact on them.

Who gives a F* if some parents choose to leave their children for a few hrs a week/month etc. It has nothing to do with you.

Also why does the saying 'night out or going out' come with this huge assumption its to do with getting pissed all night.. it could mean anything like a dinner/movie etc.

If I wanted to go watch 'Spectre' and someone was available and willing to look over my child then I would go do it - it is a total of 3hrs to get to the cinema, watch movie and get back - I mean holy cow the baby is hardly going to resent you for doing that, same as going out for a meal if my baby sleeps in 2-3hrs blocks of time why not leave it with someone to look over her/him and go to a local restaurant for a nice meal with DP or friends.

Yes having a baby means you may have to compromise on how you previously led your life but imo it shouldn't mean you put it on hold..but if that is what you choose to do fine that is your choice but it makes you no better than a parent who decides to have a few hrs of time without their baby.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/10/2015 19:44

Far too many weirdos on this thread for my liking, sadly not just the OP.
Some of these views are a) from the 1950's b) clearly due to peoples own bizzare insecurities and c) batshit crazy

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 20:42

I don't know where I'm going wrong really. I seem to be able to manage two children, a demanding job etc with no grandparents on tap to help out. I seem to have coped without ever using a babysitter to go out with my dh and yet despite this I have a happy marriage and two gorgeous and confident daughters.

I seem to be able to wait for that essential film I want to watch to come out on TV. I seem to cope with a takeaway night rather than going out for meals with my dh.
I have no resentment for my children, no bitterness at the freedom I have lost because I've given it away willingly and, honestly, I couldn't be more content with the choices I've made.

OP, you are clearly a good mum doing a good job and enjoying your children.

Eminado · 29/10/2015 20:50

singsong

Shock

So going out without your children immediately means you resent them and atr not content?

Are you insane?

Eminado · 29/10/2015 20:50

*are

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2015 20:54

I think the point people are trying to make singsong, is that they don't give a shit whether you go out or not. Do what you like. But fucking stop with the 'my way is superior to your way attitude.' It really isn't. It's just different. Which is fine.

msgrinch · 29/10/2015 20:55

Congratulations singsong. You are clearly better than all of us and need to claim your blue Peter badge in mothering.

Or you could realise that other people differ to you. Some have pnd, some don't have a partner to help and (shockingly) some people just want some time to themselves.

Obviously we are all wrong and should bow down to you. You are the womb supreme. You parent better than no other. Well done you.

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 21:06

My point is really that it is absolutely possible to just enjoy being a parent. Not needing to go out away from my children doesn't make me a smothering parent who will end up with a clingy child, or a tragic woman clinging to my children for want of a life or a woman whose marriage is on the rocks.
All of these things have been suggested in this thread.

PiperChapstick · 29/10/2015 21:06

I seem to have coped without ever using a babysitter to go out with my dh and yet despite this I have a happy marriage and two gorgeous and confident daughters.

I seem to be able to wait for that essential film I want to watch to come out on TV. I seem to cope with a takeaway night rather than going out for meals with my dh.

I'll be right there with your medal singsong just polishing it now.

The rest of us who go out now and again have miserable marriages and shy daughters of course. Good parenting really is all about how long you wait to watch a film. Sometimes I'm such a good mum, that I wait AGES before watching my "essential film". I've maryted myself so much that I still haven't watched Gone With The Wind even though all the other shit mums I knew were going to watch it at the cinema while I stood watching over m sleeping baby whilst simeltaneously patting myself on the back what what an amazing mummy I am.

PiperChapstick · 29/10/2015 21:10

My point is really that it is absolutely possible to just enjoy being a parent

It's also perfectly possible to have a family that's as happy as you claim yours to be whilst having the occasional night out and time away from children

ReadtheSmallPrint · 29/10/2015 21:14

I bet you never find Dads criticising other Dads for going out on 'date nights' with their partners and leaving young DCs with grandparents....

msgrinch · 29/10/2015 21:15

I agree singsong, I doesn't make you any of those things. It's not nice to be judged and insulted is it? It's nasty. Just like it's horrible and insulting to insinuate that someone who has the odd bit of child free time is selfish or a bad parent.

Crazypetlady · 29/10/2015 22:47

Thank you MsGrinch

I don't quite understand just being a parent singsong

We are all still parents , having some personal time doesn't make us any less of a parent.

I personally don't want to enjoy just being a parent. I am a mother , a partner, a woman. I have friends and interests that were part of life before ds and are still part of my life now.Motherhood is the best thing that has happened to me but it isn't the only thing.I am not just a mother I am a person.

Singsongsungagain · 29/10/2015 23:19

We are all things other than "mum". That goes without saying. To me, being "mum" is my absolute priority. Not out of duty, or sacrifice or because I'm a martyr or whatever some on this thread want to believe but out of choice.
I chose to have my children. Actually, I battled to have my children. I go to work each day and spend time away from them there (no choice in this). Why on earth would I choose to add to that time away?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 29/10/2015 23:27

Well singsong I think my children's lives are enhanced by spending some time with their grandparents every few months. I enjoy spending time with my DH where we can focus wholly on each other once in a while. That doesn't mean my priority isn't my children, that doesn't mean that I'm desperate to escape them, it just means that I acknowledge that one day they will be gone, living their own lives and, when that happens, I want my relationship with my DH to be strong and familiar.

I find it very odd that parents here think that having children means their relationship is no longer important, or that their social lives are no longer important. I wouldn't want to leave my children with babysitters every weekend, because I want to spend my free time with them, but once in a while I want to go out for a nice dinner with DH and feel like an individual again. You want to judge me, go ahead, it matters not.

HoneysuckleAndJasmine · 29/10/2015 23:50

I'm of the belief that it takes a village to raise a child. Time spent with other friends or family is positive for a child.

This thread is bonkers.
Lord knows what op would think of my serious illness that meant I couldn't care for dc for a few months. Yes it was horrendous but dc coped because they had other people in their lives.
Overbearing helicopter parenting isn't good for any child.

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