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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:

SummerNights1986 · 27/10/2015 17:50

I would feel awful not inviting him at all and leaving him possibly on his own. You might be nowhere near and still be pregnant in January after all.

I would extend an invite but letting him know that obviously there is the risk of him being left on his own on Xmas Day as you give birth, or that you might end up having beans on toast as you have a 1 day old baby.

So an invite but with no guarantees.

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 17:53

I agree with Summer.

I would invite but tell him he won't be waited on and could be abandoned at any moment.

If you haven't given birth your dh will have to wait on you both or tell his dad to make his own cup of tea

GrannyGoggles · 27/10/2015 17:55

Is it possible for you all to discuss it, and come up with a solution? FiL comes but accepts Christmas will be low key, as there will be other priorities? He makes alternative alternative arrangements as it's possible you will be in labour/have just given birth. In the circs I think Grandpa to be needs to put your needs first, and sort himself out this Christmas.

coffeeisnectar · 27/10/2015 17:56

I'd invite him but let him know that this will not be a Xmas with all the trimmings and he will need to look after himself a lot as you two won't be able to run about after him.

He might surprise you and be really helpful.

chillycurtains · 27/10/2015 17:56

I completely understand where you are coming from but really could not leave my FIL on his own. Could you just ask your DH to invite him but nearer the time talk to him about doing the washing up, clearing the table (with DH). There is no reason to not invite him. You have an amazing opportunity here to give another person a wonderful Christmas and if the baby comes early or on time the best Christmas ever. Just think of it if you were in his shoes and your DH had died and your DC didn't invite you. Just be honest with him and ask for help. He could also surprise you and be a great help.

LucyMouse · 27/10/2015 17:56

Would he be able to stay in a nearby hotel? And maybe explain that you won't be serving a proper Christmas dinner?

LucyMouse · 27/10/2015 17:58

And absolutely only extend the invitation on the understanding that you are the one in need of a rest and some TLC, and not the other way around.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 17:59

I think you are making assumptions about him- he must know that Christmas may be disrupted and as an adult I am sure he can cope! Just invite him and make him useful.

katienana · 27/10/2015 17:59

Why don't you get in touch with extended family yourselves and ask them if they would have room for him? He doesn't need to know you intervened!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 27/10/2015 18:00

I'd give him the option of coming, with the provisio that if he wants Christmas dinner he'll probably have to cook it himself :)

chillycurtains · 27/10/2015 18:00

Also don't forget everything can be bought via the internet for dinner and all put in the oven kinda stuff. Turkey crown, sausages pre-wrapped in bacon, ready baked roast potatoes, microwave veg and heat in a pan gravy. The two men can sort that.

lexigrey · 27/10/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbcat · 27/10/2015 18:06

I'd invite him but ask him to stay in a local hotel or guesthouse. And stock up on M&S food you can just bung in the oven.

Livewellforless · 27/10/2015 18:08

Invite him to stay for Xmas day, and book a lunch out at a nearby restaurant or pub. Unless you are actually in labour, your DH will be able to go. If the baby arrives on time or has not arrived yet, you will be able to go, too. Just invite him to stay for the one night and buy enough booze doe him to knock himself out in front of the TV later . Imagine it is a normal Sunday lunch or something, rather than Xmas.

2rebecca · 27/10/2015 18:09

Agree with inviting him but making it clear it will be a low key Christmas and there may not be a "proper" Christmas dinner and he'd be expected to help as you won't be running round after him.

BondJayneBond · 27/10/2015 18:10

I agree with pp, invite him, but make it clear that it will be a low key Christmas, he'll have to fend for himself more than normal, and tell him he may be abandoned depending on what happens with baby so he may have to cook his own Christmas dinner.

DoJo · 27/10/2015 18:11

Surely it would be better for him to potentially be on his own fending for himself at your house, knowing that he had been invited somewhere, than definitely be on his own fending for himself at his own house?

Original poster

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 18:13

Thank you for all the replies! As lots of you have said, I would feel bad knowing he is on his own at Christmas, but am worried that if I go into labour he might end up on his own in our house rather than at home with friends nearby (apparently he has been invited out for lunch on Boxing Day by some of them). I like the hotel idea, but surely it would be even worse for him to be stuck there on his own if we are at the hospital.

I agree that the right answer is probably to invite him but to set expectations about what kind of Christmas it will be and also warn him that things may have to change at the last minute.

OP posts:

WutheringTights · 27/10/2015 18:13

I got discharged on Christmas Eve with a 2 day old baby. We had my dad and sister forChristmas Day and cooked Christmas Dinner, albeit a simple one as we don't generally go overboard (think fairly standard roast with shop-bought Christmas Pud. Baby slept for most of the day, so family were a nice distraction. And the new baby distracted from the lack of trimmings. All in all we had a lovely day. Only regret is not turfing them out early evening as we were shattered. They would have understood but we just didn't think to do it. Go for it, you might surprise yourselves.

NoSquirrels · 27/10/2015 18:14

See if he fancies Christmas in Australia?

See if extended family would invite him - your DH can get in touch and ask them if necessary.

Talk to him and invite him if you feel you can have him to celebrate with you with a happy heart, and get your DH and FIL to do all the catering and arrangements - they should both be waiting on you hand and foot at that stage anyway! If you will feel resentful about it and really do just want to have the time alone, then obviously he'll need to go elsewhere - I bet he has friends who would invite him. But you do need to be generous if you're going to do it - don't do it resentfully! And make your DH in charge of everything.

Original poster

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 18:15

Oh and to stock up on M&S food!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 27/10/2015 18:17

Also, you may surprise yourself with how nice it is to have him there ... some people worry a lot about the visitors after a baby, but I really loved it. And don't forget, he was a new parent one day too - he's been there and knows the score, so I'm sure he can microwave a meal and watch the TV as well as the next guy if you're stuck in hospital!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/10/2015 18:20

no I could not leave him but would as PP have said explain nicely that its low key because of the baby but he is welcome to join you if he is happy with that, I would then either... but in a readymade xmas dinner or book a meal out somewhere or agree with him something easy that he would enjoy and keep it low key with a few choccy treats, and crackers.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 27/10/2015 18:21

I actually think it might be really special and lovely for you all to have FIL there, whether the baby has arrived or not, either at the hilariously full blown pregnant moment, or with teeny baby.

The only exception actually being in full blown labour. How about your folks, could they scoop him up and entertain him if you happen to be in hospital?

Can you (ie your DH) have a proper chat with him and explain that Xmas will be a low key affair either way, and so long as he's prepared to muck in he'll be welcome.

Does he live a long way away? Can he drive and keep the visit brief?

Abraid2 · 27/10/2015 18:21

Definitely stock up on M and S or Cook food. To be honest, I find Christmas dinner a bore to cook, and I am a generally enthusiastic cook. It is just a rather fiddley and large-scale roast. For this reason I haven't a problem about buying a turkey crown, stuffing, pudding, mince pies, etc, and sticking the whole lot in the oven. Order it all in and give it to the men and tell them you need to rest and they can sort it out.

And put your feet up in front of the tv and have a glass of champagne, too. At that stage of pregnancy, assuming you still are pregnant, it can only do you good.

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