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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:
TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 27/10/2015 19:40

do you have any hospitable friends or relatives locally that he knows / could go to if you do end up in hospital on the day....?

If it were me I would invite him on the basis that there will be a low key meal / buffet that dh can prepare rather than him be on his own... and that you may celebrate on a different day which is convenient to you and baby.

TheSkyAtNight · 27/10/2015 19:44

This is the first year my FIL will not be coming to us for Christmas and that will be 3 weeks after my C-section. I can't predict what state we'll be in!

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 27/10/2015 19:46

it's not "this man" , NotQuiteSo, it's her DH's dad, her child's grandfather, and OP seems to quite like him, and he will be out the door on Boxing Day morning...

he's not turning up unannounced, it will be planned, with expectations re catering appropriately managed, and they can all decide together what the Plan B would be if OP is in labour.

RatherBeRiding · 27/10/2015 19:47

I really don't get the whole "can't leave a grown man on his own at Christmas" thing. Under normal circumstances yes it would be nice to have him but it's not normal circumstances, is it? First baby - far too many variables. You might be in hospital, giving birth, be one day post-birth, may have had a CS, may be struggling, knackered blah blah blah - do you really want someone else in the house, especially an elderly man who expects to have all the trimmings and be waited on. Really??

Cut yourself some slack - no-one died from spending Christmas alone. Or at the very least say he's welcome to come if you must (and if you REALLY want him at this time) but the invitation might have to be withdrawn at the last minute if you simply don't feel up to it.

May09Bump · 27/10/2015 19:48

No - don't have him there, I wouldn't have wanted anyone but DH in the house - giving birth affects people in different ways. You need your privacy and no stress of being the hostess. FIL should understand - if he has plans for boxing day that's great. Maybe you can get together New Years Day.

I would also lean on the extended family to step in.

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 19:48

Omg didn't realise you were due Xmas week?! What about telling him he can stay over night if he's prepared to help out on Xmas day if you're not in labour. Also you won't be lifting a finger and will need complete rest. DH could always get M&S Xmas meal to be heated.

rainbowstardrops · 27/10/2015 19:49

Why don't you just talk to him? He might be sitting at home in a stew thinking you're about to ask him to come for Christmas!
Get Dh to talk to him. Explain the situation in all it's potential gory. I personally would find it hard to think of him on his own but he might be perfectly happy with that. If not then you'd need to make it clear that you'll be in no position to 'lay on Christmas' so it'll be a store 'shove in the oven' affair.

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2015 19:52

Unless he's completely dim he will realize rhat it's not going to be a massive Christmas! Invite him- with a bit of luck he can be the first to see your Christmas baby and back home for BoxingDay lunch with friends taking lots of pictures to show off with!

JustRosieHere · 27/10/2015 20:00

I wouldn't feel obliged to invite him. With DD I was in hospital for several days, during and post labour. Could barely walk or sit down due to stitches let alone entertain guests for a considerable length. Ds was attached to my boob at all times and I was horribly engorged, he also didn't sleep (for 3 years) much so I was beyond exhausted. Not everyone has it hard but don't underestimate how physically draining birth and recovery can be. Only invite him if he will sort himself out or your DH is prepared to do everything. Also bear in mind something stressful like this so soon after having a baby could taint what should be a happy time. Sorry I'm a bit doom and gloom aren't I!

Original poster
metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 20:01

A few of you have made the (excellent) point that rather than sitting here worrying and making assumptions we should bite the bullet and talk to FIL, who may in fact prefer to be at home on his own! I would hate for him to feel as though he has to come to us because we have asked, when actually it might be better all round for us to spend the day separately.

I will speak to DH tonight and suggest that he has a man-to-man chat with his dad, saying that he is welcome to come to us but that things will be very different from a "normal" Christmas (and may need to be cancelled at the last minute if I am in labour/hospital/only just home with new baby) and that if he prefers to stay at home and simply come to see the baby when he/she arrives that is of course absolutely fine.

Unfortunately there isn't really anyone else near us who could scoop FIL up at the last minute - my sister is only an hour away, but she is already hosting my parents and only has a small flat!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/10/2015 20:04

Get as much pre-prepared stuff as possible that can be bunged in the oven/microwave.

Invite him. Explain the need to keep it short (so leaving Boxing Day). And also sort out the extended family as a back up plan just in case. So long as he's forewarned of the possibilities, it'll be fine.

LucyMouse · 27/10/2015 20:06

Arrival on Christmas Eve and departure on Boxing Day morning sounds exactly right. I don't think anyone would expect anything more given the circumstances.

Allalonenow · 27/10/2015 20:08

If he planned to come to you, but you had to cancel at the last moment, he could well be stuck with cheese on toast for Christmas lunch.

Far better for him to be at his own home with some christmasy treats bought and ready.

Borninthe60s · 27/10/2015 20:10

You're all adults, have your Christmas day two weeks before and you can still,have what you planned. It's your SIL who has to sort him out not you!

mangocoveredlamb · 27/10/2015 20:16

Reading this I think I must be a right cow.
I would not have wanted anyone in the house before or after having my first.
It is exceptional circumstances, do you think you're FIL will understand that you don't want the pressure?

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 27/10/2015 20:18

Your FIL may not want to be around at this time and may feel awkward. I found it extremely embarrassing trying to breast feed in front of my own parents. I couldn't have done it in front of my inlaws. My Dad felt awkward and is a similar age to your FIL.

Normally I would hate to leave anyone out of Christmas but I think the arrival of your first baby is completely understandable. Popping in for a visit is one thing but having someone staying in the house could be exhausting for you and FIL. The baby might wake him many times in the night. Would he cope with that?

Could he stay in a hotel and play it by ear? Alternatively could he go to his neighbours/other relatives and you have a postponed Christmas celebration at some point?

Shaffron · 27/10/2015 20:18

I must be mean but having had three babies, I would not want my FIL staying in the house.

You will be exhausted, bleeding, leaking milk. You will just want privacy, peace and time to bond with baby.

I'm shocked people think it's OP duty to have a guest and 'do' Christmas at all.

If I was him, I'd be adamant that my son and DIL were left to deal with things in their own way. I'd offer help and look forward to seeing them and my grandchild but I'd have the empathy to give space.
As for being alone at Christmas, he's an adult. He should cope. Is there reallyno one he can be with? If not, why not?

This is one time in your life, you do things your way and to he'll with anyone else. It's so precious and vulnerable a time. And I feel if you were truly comfortable with him being there, you wouldn't be asking us.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 27/10/2015 20:26

I've had 3 babies too and really I was quite happy to have company, even after an em c/s with the first, b/f etc, all the permutations. But then I am quite laid back, as were our visitors.

Baby could be 10 days old or not arrive for another 10 days....

florentina1 · 27/10/2015 20:29

I agree that your FiL might not actually mind having Xmas on his own. You never know what is going on in another persons mind.

My stepdad has spent the last 5 Christmas alone and he genuinely does not mind. He says it is just another Sunday.

Could you suggest that he comes in early December and have an early Xmas. Your OH could do the cooking and you and FiL can chat about your hopes and plans for the baby.

rageagainsttheBIL · 27/10/2015 20:30

I had a baby at that time of year.

It's a tough one, but there is no way I would have wanted to be in labour at home with anyone but DH or a doula, I went from 2 to 7cm quickly and was screaming my head off and swearing before crawling in the car for hospital. I ended up staying in for two nights so midwives could help me establish feeding and DH could have a rest, and that was with a very straightforward birth.

I wouldn't have wanted DH to be worrying or focused on anything but me while I was in labour or hospital, this would also be a concern eg him not visiting me for long on Xmas day because FIL was at yours.

ThatWasThat · 27/10/2015 21:02

I am staggered by the selfishness and sense of self imprtance of some responses. Of course invite him, make him welcome. Explain (if he hasn't cottoned on - really?) that you might be called away/too tired to have a big song and dance about Christmas. Treat him as part of your family, a person you care about.

tobysmum77 · 27/10/2015 21:17

Of course yanbu. Your baby is due four days previously Smile

What does fil think have you actually had a conversation about it?

Original poster
metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 21:36

Thanks again for all your comments. It's clear there are a lot of things I hadn't considered, like how bad I might feel after the birth and the difficulties of trying to establish breastfeeding with guests around (I definitely would NOT want to do this in front of FIL, we are not that close and he is quite old school!). DH is going to talk to FIL to see what he thinks, and hopefully we can sort something out, perhaps with him coming if we haven't had the baby but not if we have. Of course it would be nice for SIL to try to help us sort this as well but that is another thread!

OP posts:
Pooseyfrumpture · 27/10/2015 21:44

If you haven't had the baby, you'll be moody uncomfortable as hell, snoring/dribbling on the sofa, pacing the house in the wee hours, desperately trying to do something you've decided is suddenly dreadfully important, trying to find a position/bed that you might possibly be able to sleep in - having a house guest at that point is also not without issue.

itsmeohlord · 27/10/2015 21:48

Invite him - but he can't expect all the trimmings. Your house, your Xmas.

Or better still encourage him to visit Australia!