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Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 28/10/2015 12:56

I think some of the views on here are quite selfish. If OP had in laws living with her, or teenage stepchildren around, would she send them off somewhere for Christmas because she was due a baby and didn't want anyone around ?

Hmm

I don't see how this analogy is relevant, as the FIL doesn't live with them. Nor does anyone else.

It's like an OP saying "Should I let people visit my newborn when it's 1 day old" and replying "well if people lived with you they'd see the baby all the time, what's the difference?"

PiperChapstick · 28/10/2015 13:00

OP you must do what you think will be best, the coming weeks after a newborn can be the toughest of your life and you want to make it as manageable as possible. It's a one off, not like you'd do it all the time.
As much as MNers cry "I would NEVER leave my FIL alone at Xmas, the poor man, what an awful thought" they are not you and don't have to actually live through it.
I hope it all goes well for you x

totalrecall1 · 28/10/2015 13:00

I was preganant over Xmas, my baby was born last week of december. I managed with the help of my DH to cook an XMas dinner for both parents and DPIL's. You absoutely should not leave him on his own. YOur DH can cook dinner, and if the baby comes he is on his own, which I am sure any reasonable person would understand. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill

Imogenlasting · 28/10/2015 13:05

The point I was making Piper is that it's not unusual for a new mother to have other people around the house, who are not her nearest and dearest, despite some posters making out that it's a completely unacceptable scenario and she shouldn't even contemplate inviting FIL over even if it means leaving him on his own on Christmas day. Having him around isn't ideal, but it's not a completely outrageous idea either.

Iggi999 · 28/10/2015 13:13

Only the OP knows how well she would get on with the fil there - even she doesn't really know as she doesn't know how she'll adapt, what kind of delivery she'll have, how the baby will be etc. I would have my mil there as although she would interfere, bless her, she would muck in and help. My father or father in law have had lifetimes of sitting being looked after, so no would not be coming. Why is this not his daughter's problem, incidentally?

OnlyLovers · 28/10/2015 13:22

based on experience to date he doesn't seem to think allowances should be made for pregnancy (in his day people just got on with it and didn't make a fuss!).

This makes me feel less sympathetic towards him than I did initially.

Your DH needs to speak to him and say firmly that these are his options:

a) he comes to you and understands that there will be NO big Christmas with all the bells and whistles and a blowout dinner. There will be NO hosting in the usual sense by you and hosting by your DH only when/if he isn't needed by you and potentially the baby. He looks after himself if and when necessary.

b) he doesn't come.

girlywhirly · 28/10/2015 14:13

OP, FIL probably has no real idea about labour and birth. Was he present at the birth of DH? Was his wife helped a lot by her own relatives post natally, so that it seemed as if all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc was done by magic? Perhaps DH could explain that as the pair of you will mostly be managing on your own, and times have changed, you will not be expected to do the full on Christmas experience.

I think the idea of a pre Christmas celebration is a good idea, and another one at some point after the baby arrives, when you are up to it.

thesnailandthewhale · 28/10/2015 14:29

I think he would love the chance to be involved; he has lost his wife and now his daughter is moving half way round the world. At the same time his son/dil are about to make him a grandparent - I expect he probably feels a bit awkward / in the way, but I reckon you have the chance to make it his most memorable Christmas for donkeys years. It doesn't have to be about a great meal / naice decorations, its about him feeling part of a family unit, a family that is growing and I'm sure you may see a side to him you haven't seen before because he's always done things they way he and his wife did them, perhaps he would relish the chance to muck in with his son and give you / baby a lovely Christmas x

Booboostwo · 28/10/2015 15:04

I don't think you'll know how you'll feel and what you'll be up to until you experience late pregnancy/birth/newborn. I was up and about, seeing relatives and friends after both CSs right after I got home from hospital, travelling on a plane two weeks after birth...however with HG I was in an absolute state in late pregnancy. Why don't you ask him to postpone Christmas this year? See when the baby arrives, see how you feel and have him over for a late Christmas/meet the baby visit.

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 16:11

FIL can't be that old. He would have been at the birth and has had 2 children. Why is it thought that his wife would have been helped by relatives and yet he is perceived as useless?!
If he had relatives helping when his children were born why won't it work for his son? Do mother's of girls have special powers? Confused
Why can't he manage cooking, laundry and cooking? Or is this 'women's work'?

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 16:12

Sorry rogue apostrophe.

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 16:16

Personally I would be a bit amazed if a relative thought they had to point out that Christmas wouldn't be as usual. I would think 'what planet do they think I am from?'!
Men are considered useless by a lot of people. He has had children. He is presumably coping alone and managing to feed himself, keep the house clean etc.

drspouse · 28/10/2015 16:32

It's already been said, but I'd go for a guest house local to you and a pub for Christmas lunch.
If you're at home with a four week old, he can spend the rest of the day with you. Ditto if you go two weeks overdue. If you're in hospital, DH can go with him if he wants.

girlywhirly · 28/10/2015 16:38

The OP says in her post at 10.15 that FIL really isn't the type to muck in, and thinks that allowances shouldn't be made for pregnancy, because in his day women just got on with it.

Makes me suspect that he wasn't that helpful. Some men aren't. In her OP, she says he is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time, so perhaps her DH needs to emphasise to him that he will not let his wife exhaust herself in late pregnancy. If FIL comes to an early celebration before SIL leaves, that will solve the difficulty of the due date so close to Christmas. I'm sure he copes fine at home, just expects to be waited on at others homes.

OnlyLovers · 28/10/2015 16:40

Mehitabel, the OP has said that he is 'the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out' and 'would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.'

And that 'to date he doesn't seem to think allowances should be made for pregnancy'.

So yes, it sounds as though he DOES think cooking etc is 'women's work' (or at least not HIS work) and that he hasn't stopped to think that the OP may not want to put on a massive Christmas.

OnlyLovers · 28/10/2015 16:40

Oops, x-post with girly.

Zucker · 28/10/2015 16:58

Your FIL is a 70 year old grown man with his own life experiences. Some of the suggestions so far would make a person think your FIL was 104 and bed bound or a small child who needed things explained to him!

I'd invite him for Christmas and so what if he's not the type to muck in. He'll have to or go thirsty/hungry.

Nohopeformethen · 28/10/2015 17:14

I don't think immediately before or after producing her first child is the best time for the OP to be expected to take on her role as a suffragette.

OnlyLovers · 28/10/2015 17:17

What do you mean, Nohope? Genuine question, in case it comes across as snippy. Smile

Nohopeformethen · 28/10/2015 18:27

It was a reference to this kind of post - Why can't he manage cooking, laundry and cooking? Or is this 'women's work?'
Of course he should muck in and not expect waiting on and not care about whatever state the new mother is in, but if this is not the impression he has ever given before, why should the OP be put in charge of enlightening him, at one of her most vulnerable times?

Original poster
metellaestinatrio · 28/10/2015 18:37

girlywhirly and OnlyLovers are spot on - FIL copes fine at home with cooking and generally looking after himself (although he has a cleaner who also does his ironing) but when he comes to visit expects to be waited on. He is quite old-fashioned and does see cooking, hosting etc. as "women's work" because he thinks women are better at it! I don't want to make him sound awful, because he's not - he is always nice about the food I cook, for example - just of a different generation.

However, I think with some clear advance expectation management from DH and making sure alternative arrangements are in place we should be ok. We are definitely going to propose the early celebration to the rest of the family, which I think solves a lot of the concerns, so thanks to everyone who suggested that!

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 28/10/2015 18:48

Where is your DH in all of this.....can't he step up and do a dinner with all the trimmings and if your FIL does expect to be waited on, then its down to him to look after him. You rest up as originally planned due to being so close to your dates

Making someone go to a hotel when his own son could do most of the hosting for him is cruel

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 19:30

The only answer is to have a talk with FIL.
He probably hasn't mucked in before because he hasn't needed to. At least discuss the logistics with him. He might surprise you.

PennyHasNoSurname · 28/10/2015 19:35

Honestly Id just not want to host any visitors over this time. I had dd on 19th december and was a washed out worn out wreck on christmas day. Waddled to my mums, got fed, went home and slept.

What does your DH suggest? Seeing as its his dad after all.

EverythingsShinyCaptnNotToFret · 29/10/2015 15:46

Could your Christmas present to him be dinner in a local to him hotel?