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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:

wigglybeezer · 27/10/2015 18:22

My DS2 was due on 20th ?December , arrived on the 20th. I was on a bit of a high for a few days and actually had the neighbours round for drinks and nibbles on Christmas Eve! I had bought an M&S ready meal version of Xmas dinner but on the day we couldn't be bothered even with that and had sausages and mash! Luckily family live locally and so just popped round for a quick visit.

CarShare · 27/10/2015 18:30

I'm also expecting my first baby and the thought of having someone to stay a few days post due date absolutely fills me with horror- I personally couldn't handle the stress. I guess its hard to plan for under the circumstances and for me that would tip me over the edge! I like the suggestion of contacting other replies on the quiet and getting an invite sorted elsewhere with the promise of a visit as soon as things are settled or pre baby in early Dec.

MairzyDoats · 27/10/2015 18:33

Yep, I agree it could be wonderful to have him there, you just have to carefully manage expectations beforehand! So be fairly detailed about what you'll be doing/eating and maybe your DH could 'discreetly' ask his dad if the pair of them could make it as stress-free for you as possible... with any luck you'll be waited on hand and foot all day...

CarShare · 27/10/2015 18:33

Replies= rellies, sorry!

nokidshere · 27/10/2015 18:34

You should ring him up up and say "hi dad/fil do you want to come to us for Christmas? (At this point he might say no anyway) you are welcome but it will be pretty low key because of baby so it will just be a muck in and see what happens sort of day"

My elderly MIL doesn't want to be at our house for Christmas, she wants to be home alone eating her normal food with a few choccies on the side, the queens speech and trashy television. And she only lives next door to us

Tneconni · 27/10/2015 18:35

I would not have him over. He already has his friends invite for boxing day so it's already done and dusted imho - he's sorted. There are too many variables involved and I wouldn't enjoy the uncertainty and stress of it all.

ipsos · 27/10/2015 18:35

That's a tricky one. I was more or less in labour 24/7 at home for a week before ds was born and that's really not a situation in which I'd have been able to deal with house guests. Also stress can stop labour progressing, so guests might really hold things up. Having said that, FIL will want some company. Tricky. Could he come for the day, or could you play it by ear and have him come down if things are fine and just accept that he's on his own at home if you are up to your eyes in it on the day? I think that's a really tricky situation just because of the total umpredicatability of it. Is it your first dc? That's great that he has boxing day plans.

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/10/2015 18:46

It sounds like it might be his first grandchild? In which case I think he would feel honoured to be around and deeply touched .
It's up to DH to make it clear that 'the men' will be doing all the hard work,whether you've had the baby or not - and especially if you have. My pfb (late)was due at Easter and we had consequently made no plans (and had done everything you could possibly do in preparation) .It was horrible weather and I sat around feeling fatter and fatter and more and more bored and fed up. A distraction would have been welcome..

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 27/10/2015 18:49

I just don't understand why some posters thing it would be stressful to have one, quite nice, father-in-law over for some M&S ready Christmas meals on the strict understanding that he helps with the washing up and he's off to see his mates on Boxing Day anyway. shrugs

Surely he - and others - are all going to want to turn up to see his new grandchild anyway whatever day of the year it is.

Pennybun4 · 27/10/2015 18:55

Agree, he would feel really honoured to be part of it all. Ring him, hey FIL I need you to look after DH for me whilst i am in labour. Trusting you to keep him sane etc.

Stress no Christmas food unless he wants to bring it (and cook it).

Original poster

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 18:56

Thank you to everyone for all your thoughts.

To answer a few questions:

FIL would not want to travel to Australia for Christmas as he does not like flying, and SIL has made it clear that she will not be coming back.
DH could potentially sound out the extended family for an invite for FIL, but it sounds as though the consensus is that this should be a back up plan in case I am in labour/in hospital.
Yes, this is our first baby and the first grandchild on both sides. That is probably why I am worrying - fear of the unknown!
I don't think FIL could come for the day as it's quite a long way (2.5 hours) and he doesn't like doing a lot of driving (he is 70). We could however suggest that his stay is kept quite short i.e. he arrives on Christmas Eve and leaves on Boxing Day - do you think that would still be a bit mean?

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 27/10/2015 18:58

That's really difficult. I could not in any way have coped with a visitor staying after dc1 - was in a terrible state, you just don't know how it will go. Even with dc2 spent much of the first week wandering around in my nightie and with my boobs out trying to establish breastfeeding. My fil is lovely but just no. I would honestly only have him if you are yet to give birth, given that you don't know what will happen could you book him a hotel and the three of you a meal out?

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 18:58

Meet him part way for a Christmas meal. That way no one will be cooking. The roads will be quiet and easy to travel. You can drive an hour, he can drive an hour and a half

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 19:00

I don't see why he just can't stay on. I agree with TheOriginalMerylStrop, he is an adult and should understand- I can't see why it would be stressful. Give him jobs to do and make use of him!

Muckogy · 27/10/2015 19:06

minimalist000001
Meet him part way for a Christmas meal. That way no one will be cooking. The roads will be quiet and easy to travel. You can drive an hour, he can drive an hour and a half.

really??
how will that work out if the OP is in labour/hospital/postnatal? do you seriously expect her to lepp into a car then?

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 19:09

My thoughts Muckogy. I can't imagine anything worse!

Myfavouritebookis · 27/10/2015 19:09

Are you planning on breastfeeding? There is no way I would have wanted to be trying to establish this with my FIL around.

Also, you don't know for sure what might happen - I was in hospital for three days before having one of mine, and we then had to return to hospital a couple of days after the birth. Even if everything goes smoothly, the few days after the birth can be overwhelming and normal life just goes out of the window while you get used to the sleepless nights, endless nappies etc. If you're at this stage on Christmas Day, your FIL might be happier elsewhere!? Although obviously I understand why you wouldn't want him to be alone.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 19:12

You could at least ask FIL- I am sure that he can cope, he has had 2 children. An extra pair of hands would be more than useful.

jorahmormont · 27/10/2015 19:12

I agree with Myfavourite about establishing bf with FIL (or any in laws) around. Is your FIL likely to muck in and help if necessary, or is he the sort to point blank refuse and still expect to be pandered to?

Gottagetmoving · 27/10/2015 19:16

Have you asked your fil what his plans are? He may have his own ideas.
All you can do is explain to him what you have planned and tell him he is welcome if that sounds ok to him.
I am dreading the day that family are discussing what to do with me at Christmas.

InternalMonologue · 27/10/2015 19:26

I wouldn't, personally. He's got invites for Boxing Day, and you'll either be in labour, massive/grumpy/full of heartburn and expected to "do Christmas", or you'll be days postnatal. You couldn't have paid me enough to live with my own dad while bleeding, having midwife visits and trying to establish BF (so tits liable to be out at any given moment), never mind my FIL. There are too many variables too - if you have a short stay and you go into a 40 hour labour the day he arrives that ends up in a EMCS, he'll be on his own anyway!

I get why you, and other posters, feel that he should be invited, but for me the risks of it all going tits up are too great.

Allalonenow · 27/10/2015 19:28

You have quite a few options really.

You say that MIL died some years ago, so he must be well used to lookiing after himself, and coping on his own. So he could stay at home, perhaps contact you via FaceTime over Christmas, you could also send him a hamper of Christmas treats.

You could encourage him/arrange for him to be included in wider family Christmas.

Book a stay at a nearby hotel for him. OR have him to stay with you as in the past.
The trouble with these two options is that if you are rushed into hospital on Christmas morning, how well would he deal with the upheaval? If he would love to be part of the excitement of the arrival of a grandchild go ahead and invite him.
But if he expects Christmas lunch to be served spot on time, he would be better staying at home or with relatives.

I think you should talk to him, and explain all the pros and cons and decide between you what would work best for all. I think he might surprize you and chose to stay at home.

You will face several of these dilemmas at Christmas times in the future.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 27/10/2015 19:31

My FIL, MIL and exDP's sis turned up and stayed overnight the first night I was out of hospital. It was horrendous. I was in pain, crying, frightened that I wasn't breastfeeding properly and under huge pressure to 'perform' and 'cope'. I really needed to be alone and able to handle it how I wanted. Instead I spent hours alone in my bedroom to breastfeed as I didn't want to do it in front of FIL, rather than vegging out on the sofa with the TV etc. it was a totally unwanted stress and hugely spoilt those precious first couple of days.

I think this comes down to who you are as a person. I get the pull to not leave this man alone at Xmas, but only agree to have him there if you are generally a laid back, non-stressy kind of person, as it has the potential to be very difficult for you.

Myfavouritebookis · 27/10/2015 19:34

I never did get to be in labour at home, but I'm not sure I would have wanted to do this in front of any relatives. If the hospital doesn't want to see you until contractions are coming x mins apart or whatever, will you feel able to drape yourself over the furniture or whatever you need to do in front of anyone except your DH?

Perhaps you could make plans with FIL for New Years Eve/Day. That's about 10 days after your due date, so still some uncertainty there. But maybe less pressure as it doesn't come with the added pressure of Christmas dinner etc.

Iggi999 · 27/10/2015 19:39

My fil would have been more acquainted with my breasts than he would want to be by the end of the visit.

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