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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:49

Alone? Or are you suggesting OP travels?

putcustardonit · 29/10/2015 15:57

You're really not going to know how you are.

The baby might be 10 days early, established in feeding and you up to roasting a potato.
Equally you might be 1 day post CSection and wanting to lie on the sofa.

FWIW I suspect FIL will be delighted to receive the invitation but will decline as the right thing to do.

SeaCabbage · 29/10/2015 15:58

If you have an early celebration surely that still leaves the dilemma of Christmas Day? I don't see how that helps.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 29/10/2015 16:07

Invite him. Book a table at a nice restaurant for Christmas Day Lunch.

honeyroar · 29/10/2015 16:30

Sea Cabbage if you do an early celebration you ring him still on Xmas day and make sure he knows he is loved, then he has a celebration on Boxing Day with his friends and gets to come and have another day with his family to meet the baby... It's just a day. I often have to work away for Xmas and do things like that for my parents (who are divorced and live alone). I've often had to spend it sat alone because of work. It's not as upsetting as you think unless you blow it out of proportion.. To me the early celebration says we still love you and want to do a special day, we just can't do it that day..

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 29/10/2015 16:32

why cant you invite him but clearly lay out the circs and conditions?

Ie would love you to come, if you would like to however no big xmas, no trimmings...

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 29/10/2015 16:35

I managed with the help of my DH to cook an XMas dinner for both parents and DPIL's

I cant get over that ^ your dh helped you did he! HOw lovely! and they were happy to accept this!

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 29/10/2015 16:38

I just don't understand why some posters thing it would be stressful to have one, quite nice, father-in-law over for some M&S ready Christmas meals on the strict understanding that he helps with the washing up and he's off to see his mates on Boxing Day anyway

I was bouncing on a ball for about three days in pre est labour, I was comfortable in a loose fitting satin negliee, and I did - selfishly put my comfort first in that state. I was happy on the ball in the living room watching tv, then started on tens.

perhaps op - selfishly wants this freedom, not running out the room whilst she experiences a contraction>

welliesandleaves · 29/10/2015 17:02

I agree with a PP. Having an early celebration is nice, but it still doesn't solve the problem of FIL sitting all on his own on Christmas day. It's not 'just another day', it's a day when most people are with family and friends, everything is shut down, and a lot of people can feel very lonely and sad if they have no one.
I realise it's a difficult problem for the OP and I think the SIL should have sorted something out before she just announced she was going to Australia, but I still think they should ask him over on the very strict understanding that it's not going to be a typical Christmas day and he might end up eating a sandwich in front of the telly and having to do the washing up.

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 19:22

Discuss it with FIL - the assumption seems to be that the man is clueless and wants a traditional Christmas as his right, expects to be waited on hand and foot and will have no tact at all if breast feeding and finding the bathroom occupied.
I bet he would be amazed at this assumption, is quite happy to end up with scrambled egg on toast and can manage to wash up etc and tactfully remove himself if necessary.
Discussing it with FIL would be more productive than discussing it on MN!

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 19:23

Why would you 'run out of the room' when you experience a contraction?

OnlyLovers · 30/10/2015 10:29

Mehitabel, but the OP has said more than once that FIL WILL expect to be handed on etc.

Nohope, thanks for explaining.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 17:48

She assumes that he will from past experience, but he has never had a Christmas with a host about to give birth. Talk to him.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/10/2015 20:31

Not sure about women of FiLs era just "getting on with it". My Mum is 72, she had about a week in bed, waited on hand and foot, after both me and my DSis were born. She was appalled that I nipped out to Tescos about two days after giving birth, (so am I in retrospect).

DC1 was a Christmas baby, my Mum and Dad came to stay and were nothing but helpful and supportive. My normally crusty Dad told me not to be daft about getting embarrassed at leaking everywhere. FiL came to stay when DS was about three days old. Again he was lovely and understanding,(and he can be an awkward one). I did do quite a bit of the establishing breastfeeding stuff in the bedroom. It was no big deal in the scheme of things.

BertrandRussell · 30/10/2015 22:44

I do think it's odd when people regard 70 year olds as if they are Victorians!

My older brother is 72. He was a young man through the 60s, was a campaigner for the civil rights movement, for women's lib, for gay rights. He was present at the birth of all 4 of his children, as were many of his contemporaries. And he wears jeans.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 22:48

Exactly BT. This poor man would probably be horrified that people think he can't muck in and cook a meal and be generally useful.

tobysmum77 · 31/10/2015 06:34

I don't think this is about him its about the op and her needs for once. Most normal people would be uncomfortable with the scenario that they were visiting somewhere overnight where the hosts were not comfortable with the situation. If you would have been happy with it that's great but I think one thing mn definitely shows up is that we are all different.

And yes 70 isn't old/ vulnerable at all and Christmas day is just one day that he can cope with. He already has plans for boxing day so it's not like he will be alone for the whole time.

Penfold007 · 31/10/2015 06:42

FIL is an adult, he can make his own arrangements for Christmas. I'm not being harsh but surely he doesn't expect to come to your house?

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 08:16

I expect that he could, but most people are kind and loving to their families and don't just tell a recently widowed father- 'make your own arrangements- you are an adult'!

amarmai · 31/10/2015 09:02

Typical mn - never mind you are due on the 21st dec - you are a female and therefore you have the duty to look after this male. Start now to stand up for yourself op. or accept a life of catering to any stray males in the family. Your duty is to yourself and your baby.

Rainuntilseptember · 31/10/2015 09:09

Why does the being "kind and loving" to relatives only work in the direction of dil to fil, rather than fil to dil? Completely agree with last poster. I accepted a change to plans from dh last night that made me realise I was putting myself as a second class citizen next to his needs. He didn't make me - why have I internalised that? Years of this servitude to others crap that is pushed toward women and not men from the time they are children upwards. It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to not want a houseguest on this one occasion

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 13:42

A lot of posters seem to think that a male can't be useful and actually cook the Christmas dinner for them.

Tink06 · 31/10/2015 18:14

You sound lovely. Id go with the majority. Invite him but explain it will be very low key. Stock up the freezer and if needs be let him know he maybe cooking it for you. Am sure he will love it and much better than him being on his own. Whatever you do try not to stress about it. Good luck xxx

Original poster

metellaestinatrio · 02/11/2015 11:12

Hello all, just wanted to add an update. We went to our first antenatal class at the weekend and it made me realise that I had not appreciated how long I might end up being in labour at home for (as many of you said). Neither FIL nor I would feel comfortable being together for that experience (as a silly example, if I was in the bath for a long time he would get worried because he couldn't go to the loo, so we would end up having to do a lot of tag-teaming!). DH and I discussed Christmas again and while we both want to avoid FIL being on his own if at all possible, we think it would only work for him to come to us if either (i) I am still pregnant (entirely possible) or (ii) the baby comes early and we are settled back at home. My lovely sister said that she would invite FIL if we couldn't have him despite the size of her flat (she is already hosting my parents, who of course he knows quite well).

Mehitabel, I agree with you that one should not generally assume men can't make themselves useful and cook but honestly, I have known my FIL for over ten years and he won't! MIL did absolutely everything for him and while he has managed really well since she died he still essentially thinks it is a woman's job to do the cooking etc., pregnancy/brand new baby or no!

DH spoke to FIL yesterday and explained that while he would be very welcome to come to us over Christmas, things would be a bit up in the air and if I was in labour, hospital etc. we might have to cancel at the last minute, and asked him what he thought. FIL was pretty understanding and said that he thought he would probably prefer to be at home if everything is kicking off with the baby and just visit the baby when it has arrived, but that we could be flexible and see what is happening nearer the time. DH told FIL that my sister had invited him but he said that he would rather not go there (which is completely fair enough) and would be happy at home if that's how things work out. We have booked in the early Christmas celebration with SIL for a couple of weeks' time and will definitely send FIL a nice hamper on the actual day if he can't be with us.

Thanks so much to everyone for your advice, it has been really helpful. It was interesting to see the range of views from different posters (as some pp said, probably stemming from different family cultures) and there were lots of great suggestions which I think have helped us to muddle through to an acceptable compromise!

OP posts:

welliesandleaves · 02/11/2015 11:19

That's a great solution, and really nice of your sister.

To me, that's exactly how Christmas should be. Everyone mucking in to make sure no one's left on their own on a special day (unless someone wants to spend it alone, of course).

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