Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Christmas/in-laws dilemma

157 replies

metellaestinatrio · 27/10/2015 17:43

This is my first post, although I discovered MN a few months ago and have been an avid reader ever since. I am hoping for some advice on a tricky Christmas-related issue.

DH and I are expecting our first baby, due on 21 December. DH's mum sadly died a few years ago, and since then DH and SIL (his sister) have always spent Christmas with FIL. This year, we explained early on to both our families that DH and I would be having a very quiet Christmas on our own because of the baby's due date – if I haven’t given birth by then, I will be huge and will need to be near the hospital, and if I have we will be rather occupied with working out how on earth to look after our baby! Of course, I also could be in hospital over Christmas depending on when the baby arrives.

SIL has now announced (somewhat out of the blue) that she and her boyfriend are moving to Australia for a year and will be leaving at the end of November because the job she has found would like her to start as soon as possible. So, if DH and I don't spend Christmas with FIL, he is likely to be on his own. We can't go to his house as he lives 2.5 hours away, and I am worried about having him to stay with us because we just don't know what will be happening with the baby. FIL is perfectly nice (especially compared to some of the nightmares you read about on here) but is the kind of guest who expects to be looked after all the time and does very little to help out, plus he would want a "proper" Christmas with trimmings rather than the quiet one we had planned.

FIL lives near to his extended family but they are not very close and are unlikely to invite him for Christmas (plus he would not want to ask/broach the subject with them). So, are we being unreasonable and awful if we don't invite him to ours? What should we do?

OP posts:
florentina1 · 27/10/2015 21:55

How is it selfish? Giving birth to your first baby, a once in a lifetime experience. Of course the mother and baby should take priority.

ThatWasThat · 27/10/2015 22:08

fiorentina1

Selfish, considering only one point of view.

ThatWasThat · 27/10/2015 22:12

And in the same vein, I would expect FIL to withdraw tactfully back home if the baby arrives or the OP is clearly in need of rest as he realises that having a guest is a burden at this time.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/10/2015 22:43

The thing that would concern me is what if you go into labour whilst he was there. With my first I laboured at home for about 16 hours (which is significantly less than many!) and found that the most comfortable position was on the stairs with my bum in the air. Not a look I would be comfortable with my FIL seeing.

Also had about 4 two hour baths (not great if you only have one loo!) and sat on a bouncy ball singing very loudly along to high school musical to try and distract myself. I was wandering about for half the night (Dh was terribly disturbed - the poor lamb! Hmm and at one point burst into tears because I didn't think I could do this any more.

Oh and don't forget the long discussions on the phone with the midwife about mucus plugs and the wet floor that we were smelling to make sure that it was waters and not wee!

All in all it was not a time for anyone other than Dh to be there.

jacks11 · 27/10/2015 22:44

Could you have some sort of arrangement where he comes unless you are in hospital/it's the first few days after giving birth?

He is an adult so should probably be able to work out his heavily pregnant DIL will not be slaving away making a full christmas dinner- but make this clear.

You could go for ready to put in the oven dinner, which your DH and FIL could make it if needed. Or you could have sandwiches if that's what you want.

What does your DH think? Ultimately, if you don't want him there then that's up to you. I would feel guilty leaving him alone at Christmas unless there was really no option.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 22:58

He is close family- not a house guest! I'm sure that as family and a father he can be helpful and tactful. Families just muck in.
Put him in charge of the cooking.
People make such difficulties. The baby might be late anyway.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 23:00

No one in their right mind will expect to be a guest waited on hand and foot with a normal Christmas. At least talk to the poor man rather than assume he is some sort of useless and demanding guest.

honeyroar · 27/10/2015 23:02

Have you actually discussed it with him? He may feel very uncomfortable about being in your space at a very personal time? He may actually prefer a quiet Xmas at home? My dad does.

Xmas is only a day. I work for an airline and frequently miss Xmas. We just do it on another day. In your situation I would have an early "Xmas" family meal at the end of November before your SIL leaves for Australia and before you are too near your due date. Then make him up a little hamper for Xmas day, perhaps have it delivered. Ring him up on Xmas day (presuming SIL will too) and have a good chat. Then he can go out for his meal on Boxing Day and he can come over to visit baby a couple of weeks later when you're all more settled into your new family life. That way he (and you guys) get three nice celebrations together instead of one rather awkward Xmas day. He'd probably prefer it. But discuss it with him.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/10/2015 23:08

I would not invite him. He has friends who he can go to. would you want to spend christmas day upstairs trying to feed with sore tits and nethers exposed to the air as the stitches fucking hurt and are infected because baby has woken up and will not stop feeding every half hour and you can not do that in front of fil. ...trying to wee in the bath while pouring water over your swollen bits, needing a bath every time you poo as loo roll is going nowhere near the bunch of grapes that is now hanging out your arse..

Slowtrain2dawn · 27/10/2015 23:24

OP has said she would to cancel if she had just had the baby so maybe tone down the post natal horror stories!! Smile

Bloomsberry · 27/10/2015 23:38

I wouldn't consider inviting him in the circumstances.

PiperChapstick · 28/10/2015 00:01

I think it will be too hard for you either way (as in if you're still pregnant or not) - especially if you have your baby by then the last thing you want is FIL under your feet. I think your DH needs to call extended family and explain, see if they'll have him over for Xmas. Setting expectations is one thing, but when he's there he's there, if he starts being lazy those expectations don't mean naff all

Notagainmun · 28/10/2015 05:13

Do you have your side of the family living close by? When my sister was due at Christmas time my mother plated up meals for them and my BIL drove to collect them (five miles away). Everything was tripled wrapped in foil and a flask of gravy. If DS had been in labour or hospital her FIL would have spent the day with my parents. He kept the kitchen tidy and dozed in front of the TV most of the time. Two hours after he went home the day after boxing day DS went into Labour. It was the first Christmas without his wife though.

FoodPorn · 28/10/2015 05:21

There's no way I'd invite him. In the circumstances he should understand.

lushaliciousbob · 28/10/2015 06:25

YANBU to want to keep things low key etc.. but I'm afraid there is no way I could leave my father on his own on Christmas day! Tbh even when I have children my parents will expect to stay, providing I have room, as I will want my mum close by at the birth!

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/10/2015 06:33

There is no way I'd invite him. Let alone trying to establish breastfeeding etc in front of him - what happens as others mentioned if you're in labour. I just wanted to wallow in the bath as had a very long labour with my first and also an upset stomach - there is no way I would have wanted my fil around for all of that.

If I was the fil in this situation I wouldn't dream of coming to stay. It is all very well saying get in m&s food but it depends totally on how you are feeling.

This thread is funny - normally on mn it seems to be the trend to refuse all visitors for weeks after having a baby - which I think is mad. However, I just couldn't commit in this situation to having a guest to stay.

hesterton · 28/10/2015 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 07:05

I think that you are right, hesterton and it all depends on the family culture of OP.
I wouldn't call a parent a 'house guest' - I would get him being useful. And a house is big enough to have privacy for baths and breast feeding. It all makes it sound as if OP has to be a society hostess- entertaining and producing meals, drinks and not able to leave him to his own devices or allow him to even make cups of tea and the breakfast!

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 07:07

It is however a fascinating thread on different attitudes.

tobysmum77 · 28/10/2015 07:14

I don't think it's just about culture. My opinion on it comes from the aspect of personal privacy. Not in relation to the post natal time but personally I'd feel really uncomfortable with fil looking anxiously at every bloody twinge if I was 40+4. It isn't a normal Christmas and its a one off. All being well I would also personally be having a hb.

If it matters that much SIL is being selfish for going to Australia a month before Christmas. I am Confused about the whole thing tbh. If it was my FIL he wouldn't want to come anyway.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/10/2015 07:30

Assuming the OP doesn't have an enormous house - then maybe she wants to sit on her sofa to establish bf rather than having to go to her bedroom.

We also only had one bathroom when I was in labour with my first dc.

Tobysmum - my fil wouldn't have wanted to come either - he'd have realised it just wasn't great timing.

And I'm not some in law hater - when I had my second dc on boxing day a few years back - my in laws came and stayed and looked after my eldest child for a week as I had a prolonged hospital stay due to baby in NICU.

Inertia · 28/10/2015 08:31

How about having a family 'Christmas' celebration with FIL and SIL in mid-November, before she moves away? You and DH could host, cook etc, and you could exchange gifts then.

That way your FIL has had a family celebration, and you can explain with a lot less guilt that you won't be doing anything on Christmas Day itself.

Could your husband speak to other relatives to explain the situation and ask them to host FIL?

ineedaholidaynow · 28/10/2015 09:57

I think an early family Christmas celebration is the way forward.

Have to say I couldn't have coped with the idea of having guests at Christmas (family or otherwise) in your circumstances, although as we have only had family stay once for Christmas and all other times it is just me, DH and DS I am probably not the best person to comment Grin

What are your thoughts about future Christmases? Will you always be having your FIL to stay? Is your SIL planning to stay in Australia?

Original poster
metellaestinatrio · 28/10/2015 10:17

We don't have a large house, only a small two bed with one bathroom, so all the points about not having much space/privacy are valid. Also, while FIL is lovely, he really isn't the type to just "muck in" and help out, plus based on experience to date he doesn't seem to think allowances should be made for pregnancy (in his day people just got on with it and didn't make a fuss!).

Some great advice here, thanks. I really like the idea of an early celebration with everyone before SIL leaves. I will tell DH to suggest this when he speaks to FIL about Christmas at the weekend. I still feel as though we can't not invite him, but there should definitely be a back-up plan in place in case it isn't possible for him to come.

Re future Christmases, I suspect we will often end up hosting FIL, but I don't mind this as a rule - it's just this year that's problematic because of my due date. SIL is only supposed to be in Australia for a year, but we suspect they may end up staying longer.

OP posts:
Imogenlasting · 28/10/2015 12:33

I think some of the views on here are quite selfish. If OP had in laws living with her, or teenage stepchildren around, would she send them off somewhere for Christmas because she was due a baby and didn't want anyone around ?

So why is it any different to have FIL over as usual, on the strict understanding that you might be in the hospital, going to hospital or exhausted with a new baby on Christmas day and there will be a lot of flexibility and making do required and no big homemade Christmas dinner. If he's a nice man then he will understand and go along with it. If he decides he'd prefer to stay at home and not feel in the way, then that will be his own choice.

Swipe left for the next trending thread