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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Piercing baby's ears at 4 months

181 replies

Magic69 · 25/10/2015 22:56

I am not comfortable with this but I am Asian and in my culture all girls get their ears pierced before 6 months, some as young as 4 weeks. It is the norm and I myself had it done when I was 9 weeks.

I don't remember it and I have had no repercussions from it but I have my own daughter now and something which did not seem a big deal at the time, seems a big deal now.

She is 10 weeks and when she got her jabs and she started crying it broke my heart. My parents are planning to have her ears done when she is 4 months on a spiritual day and I am dreading it.

I have told my parents that I am not comfortable with it and listed my reasons, 1) the pain, 2) possible infections 3) I am not really a girly girl and don't see the need for earrings 4) feel better if she chose to get them done....etc

But my mother is a doctor and she dismissed all my concerns under the umbrella that I am being ridiculous and as a medical professional in the field for 40 odd ears she has never seen anyone come in with infections from pierced ears (in all fairness, her speciality is radiology). She said people will laugh at us and will think something was wrong and I will bring shame to the family.

This may also have something to do with my DS who loves dressing up, tutus and prefers girls toys- I let him do what he wants and wear what he likes and she sees my permissiveness as an inability to control my children and letting them 'go the wrong way'.

My DH says I am being silly and has dismissed my concerns as being over bearing. He says it is what Asian women do and we will have a lot of explaining to do if we choose not to get it done.

AIBU?

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 26/10/2015 17:44

You know I really admire you op. I suspect you will be steamrolled into this or it will just be done without your consent, but I think it takes a lot of intelligence to be able to see something for what it is and question it, when every voice around you is saying something else. Best of luck with this, keep fighting and being vocal in your opposition. You might not be able to prevent your daughter's ears being pierced but you can speak out for the next child.

lorelei9 · 26/10/2015 17:44

OP
My mum was in your position 45 years ago with my older sister.

She told everyone "not no, but HELL no". Dad backed her up.

Everyone else went away. Also Asian family btw but really, who gives a shit?

Mum also winces when she sees babies with ears pierced because it was done to her. My folks told all the rellies that sis and I would only get our ears pierced if and when we asked for them to be done.

I actually wish I'd never bothered, but you can see the ruddy hole. Mum has that even worse because of them being done when she was a baby.

Should be outlawed in my view, till 14.

ConferencePear · 26/10/2015 18:04

Magic this is about more than ear piercing. You are setting the rules for who is going to be in charge of your daughter until you are ready to hand over the choices to her. If you allow yourself to be bullied about this what might come next ?

MatildaTheCat · 26/10/2015 18:10

Haven't read all the posts but personally I hate seeing young children and babies with pierced ears. I cannot sleep comfortably with earring in so they must be uncomfortable. They do also pose a risk for injury and infection.

However, stand firm on this and demonstrate you are in charge of decisions around your children. In this position I think I would say very firmly that I am not quite ready yet. we probably will have it done but not yet. Now please stop asking me about it as we have discussed it enough.

Then leave it at least another ten years. Grin

absolutely agree it should be illegal before consent can be given at age 10 minimum

GrizzlebertGrumbledink · 26/10/2015 18:33

Hello,

For some reason your post has struck a chord with me, I keep looking st my four month old and thinking about how you must be feeling. It must be so difficult to feel pressured into doing something that you feel may hurt your daughter, or at least might not be in her best interests. And to feel like you're powerless to have any control over it must be really upsetting.

can you persuade your husband to listen to you? Anyone you can appeal to help for in your social circle? want to come and live with your daughter in my spare room until they're just happy to have you back home and drop the subject?

I just wish there was a way I could help you have more of a voice.

(Unmumsnetty hug)

Dowser · 26/10/2015 19:12

Warning

This is a picture of a small baby being traumatised with a ear piercing

www.google.co.uk/search?q=earring+infected+in+ear&client=safari&hl=en-gb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAmoVChMInpKw1OrgyAIVgrcUCh2dIgPT&biw=768&bih=928#imgrc=_Q1aoDS0M2OheM%3A

You might want to show it your husband op

Dowser · 26/10/2015 19:14

Oops sorry it isn't. It shows infected ears
. The baby pic is just one of many

Ericaequites · 26/10/2015 19:41

Menarche is a good age for ear piercing, as the girl is old enough to give consent. Little children face a choking hazard for earrings.

Abidewithme3 · 26/10/2015 19:48

I too have no respect of so called cultural reasons to mutilate children.

I would cheerfully ban ear piercing and any bodily mutilation of a child including circumsicion.

Load of bloody nonsense. Adults have no right to alter a child's body unless it's hot recognised medical reasons.

Your mother as a doctor should know better.

Tell them to fuck off op.

Babsiegirl · 26/10/2015 19:59

I'm with you on this one. I'm Czech and it is quite normal over there to have babies ears pearced at very young age. Yet I decided not to. People do ask, my DD even got some earrings as a christening present but everybody accepts the fact that I will let her make her own mind up when she's older. Saying that it is not cultural thing over in CZ, it's just what people do. Stick to your guns! I know it's not easy especially when your other half isn't supporting your decission either, but your children will thank you one day for letting them decide who they want to be! xx

Cockbollocks · 26/10/2015 20:00

You are going to have to be strong op. Tell them you will not do it to her, she is too precious and too small.

OwlinaTree · 26/10/2015 20:13

Why are people telling the OP to tell her parents to fuck off? I'm not going to say that to my mum, certainly not to my mil. Would posters on here really say that to their family members?

The OP hasn't said she wants to fall out with them for ever, she wants advice to deal with a difficult issue.

Oysterbabe · 26/10/2015 20:47

I'm sure they mean in so many words, tell her no and to mind her own business not actually to fuck off.

brokenmouse · 26/10/2015 21:10

You can stand up to her. I am Jewish, and I didn't have my son circumcised. I think it's barbaric and can't see how it is allowed. Got a lot of family grief but stood firm.

Just repeat, regularly "I don't want it done, I don't agree with it". And make sure you don't let your Mum babysit if you think she'll go and do it against your wishes.

Headofthehive55 · 26/10/2015 21:26

Tell you DH that you don't like yours. Stop wearing earrings. Explain to him how you felt the choice was taken from you and you want to give that choice to your daughter. (Even if you do like them, make him believe you don't! ) he might be more sympathetic to your views if he thinks it upset you, but if he sees you don't mind well why would he fight his parents on what see,s to him a non issue.

OneofTHOSEWomen · 26/10/2015 21:45

I had mine done at about 6 months for the same reasons OP mentions. It's a difficult situation, all I want to say is that ear piercing may be the first of many battles OP may face about how her DD should be bought up from the sounds of it. You may want to think about playing the long game.

debbietheduck · 26/10/2015 21:56

YANBU. Piercing the ears of a person too young to give consent is unethical. Please don't do it.

A PP pointed out this may be the first of many battles. I would begin as you mean to go on - by putting your child's interests first.

wizzywig · 26/10/2015 22:01

Agree with Oneofthosewomen. Im asian too. Pick your battles. As you've already experienced, there's a lot of pressure put on you as to how your kids should be. Like you, my opinion is only listened to if my husband agrees with it. In the grand scheme of things, in these types of families the extended family's views are listened and adhered to.

Penfold007 · 26/10/2015 22:25

OP did H and MIL force your sons into being circumcised?

OwlinaTree · 26/10/2015 22:27

But that's not what they are saying oyster. The way you put it is useful advice. The other, not so much.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 26/10/2015 22:54

What about basing your views along the lines of

While we are living in the uk, we would all our dcs to see British customs as well as our Asian ones. If we move back to Asia, we will put more emphasis on their Asian heritage. We chose to live in the uk, we like these particular aspects of uk life (pick some... rain, clock changes and overpriced fuel)
And when dd goes to school in the UK, earrings are generally frowned upon as they can be a safety problem for younger girls and boys. Yes, we have seen toddler boys with earrings too"

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 26/10/2015 22:55

Strike through fail!

OneofTHOSEWomen · 27/10/2015 08:51

earrings are generally frowned upon errr but they're not are they, there are always threads on MN about toddlers with earrings. OPs family do not sound like they need a patronising lecture about British culture. I think honesty is the best approach here.

Branleuse · 27/10/2015 09:09

i dont see the big deal worth upsetting the rest of your family for. I havent had any of my childrens ears pierced, but I probably would if it was a cultural thing. Its making a big deal out of nothing

CottonSock · 27/10/2015 09:13

Like goldmanras response. Yanbu but a difficult position. Be strong

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