Piercing baby's ears at 4 months

[Magic69]

I am not comfortable with this but I am Asian and in my culture all girls get their ears pierced before 6 months, some as young as 4 weeks. It is the norm and I myself had it done when I was 9 weeks.

I don't remember it and I have had no repercussions from it but I have my own daughter now and something which did not seem a big deal at the time, seems a big deal now.

She is 10 weeks and when she got her jabs and she started crying it broke my heart. My parents are planning to have her ears done when she is 4 months on a spiritual day and I am dreading it.

I have told my parents that I am not comfortable with it and listed my reasons, 1) the pain, 2) possible infections 3) I am not really a girly girl and don't see the need for earrings 4) feel better if she chose to get them done....etc

But my mother is a doctor and she dismissed all my concerns under the umbrella that I am being ridiculous and as a medical professional in the field for 40 odd ears she has never seen anyone come in with infections from pierced ears (in all fairness, her speciality is radiology). She said people will laugh at us and will think something was wrong and I will bring shame to the family.

This may also have something to do with my DS who loves dressing up, tutus and prefers girls toys- I let him do what he wants and wear what he likes and she sees my permissiveness as an inability to control my children and letting them 'go the wrong way'.

My DH says I am being silly and has dismissed my concerns as being over bearing. He says it is what Asian women do and we will have a lot of explaining to do if we choose not to get it done.

AIBU?

Oh and I believe in the uk you need your red book in order for a piercer to do this. Reading your posts your family sound awful and forceful so I would hide it now and if need be say you've lost it, never mind.

YANBU

As a radiologist I doubt your mum has seen infected pierced ears. As a GP of nearly 20 years I've seen plenty. I've dug embedded earrings out of swollen infected lobes, and sent people to hospital with ripped bleeding lobes.

As young adults we may decide that it's worth the small risk, but a baby can't make that decision. It's cruel to force it on them.

If you don feel you can outright refuse, could you keep making excuses and stalling it?

I actually don't know one single Asian person who thinks like this, or puts this much importance on a pair of earrings for goodness sake.

So no, in your culture not all girls get their ears pierced before 6 months.

Look past the culture thing and focus on the fact someone else is trying to tell you what to do with your own child, against your will.

When I say I don't know one single Asian person who thinks like this, I mean grandparents planning on overriding the parent wishes over pierced ears.

people will laugh at my daughter and think she is a boy

I generally prefer not to criticise cultural practices I don't fully understand the significance of, but it seems from what you say above that the point of this piercing ritual is to cement your DD's identity as female.

And then you go on to say:

Young women's opinions in my culture are often unheard and dismissed. If the man sides with the woman then things will happen- the choices of a man always trumps the wishes of a woman, and more often than not, the women in the family support this practice.

which seems to me to be exactly why it's important to resist inducting your DD into this tradition.

Since your arguments about infection etc are being firmly rebutted, why not try discussing your objections in terms that make it clear this is not really about earlobes?

FGM happens because it is 'cultural'. Get support from your GP/social services.

It sounds like you're having a hard time culturally.

But I think it would be very unreasonable of you to allow someone to make wounds in your daughter's body to hang ornaments from, against your wishes and without her consent.

It's all about personal choice

Hmmmm, ironically not the personal choice of the person who is having it done. So actually, the total opposite of personal choice.

I can't stand it when culture is used to excuse this behaviour. It is cruel and completely unnecessary. You wouldn't put a hole anywhere else on a childs body, so why are the ears okay? If I put a hole in my baby's nose then I'd probably be arrested, but for some reason you take them to a crappy salon and ask someone else to punch holes in their ears, and that's okay?!

Please stand up to your family! I think this practice should have been made illegal years ago, I can't believe it is still allowed, it's vile.

Yanbu of course you are not do you want her ears pierced at some point Or wait till she asks ? I think going against your culture is a brave and assertive thing to do would your husband support you in say doing it when she is a bit older

YANBU
My DD is 9,5 months and if someone was planning to pierce her ears, I'd be going to police, court, social services - whichever will listen and help. It's my daughter and I will not allow someone to harm her because of culture.
Ear piercing is in my view the same as FGM. It's just wrong.

I actually signed petition to ban baby ears piercing couple of months ago. Here it is.

Yes, exactly what MrsLupo said about the dismissal of girls' and women's opinions within your culture making it all the more crucial for you to make it clear you will protect your infant daughter's bodily autonomy until she's able to do it herself. This isn't about earrings, it's about an intensely patriarchal culture policing female bodies.

Good luck, OP. Stick up for her, and don't let this nonsense be literally stamped into the body of a newborn.

Ok, apart from the pain of the piercing, which obviously is upsetting you, and I can totally understand why, how do you feel generally about afterwards... Say they healed perfectly and caused no problems? How would you feel then?

Are you asking for help to get through her having the piercing, or support to stop it from happening?

I had mine done when I was two. My cousins took me without telling my mum, and got them done. I don't think they thought anything of it, but mum was livid. I have no memory either, but enjoy wearing earrings and don't feel violated in any way.

I am South Indian, Tamil. Our culture is very strict.

I will try talking to DH but like I said he doesn't want to talk about this again.

I guess posting this was my way of seeing if I had some support- I don't at home (not from my cousins or family or anyone I know) and I felt rather alone in my views

I also wanted to know if there was anything I can do to stall this and the red book thing might work however our priest does it (on an auspicious day) and I doubt they need the red book

Could you maybe get some support from your health visitor? So sorry you feel so upset about this xxx

Magic legally he's obliged to, I would get support from your health visitor x

Yes but online support isn't going to stop your daughter from having holes forced into her earlobes against your will, is it?

If you're willing to accept that your DH and other people in your family get to decide what happens to your daughter in the name of culture, you might as well let them crack on with it.

I don't know what you want anyone here to say to you?

And how is the support of a health visitor going to help?

You have two choices. Either you stand up and tell your husband and extended family that your daughter will decide if she wants her ears pierced when she is old enough to do so or you shut up and let them hurt her and trample all over her rights.

I understand and respect cultural differences unless they cause harm, then they can fuck right off.

Magic on another note, if you have to have your daughter's ears pierced can it be a location of your choice. One where you can be confident of a sterile procedure? Possibly include the use of topical numbing cream? If it will happen without your approval and you don't want to see your daughter cry could another relative be with her temporarily (while the procedure is being done) and you console her following?

I wish you were in a situation to tell your family to get stuffed, but I can understand that in your culture this is incredibly difficult.... If you really feel that won't work, i would try everything you can to change your husbands / mothers mind. Here a some arguments I can suggest.

As your mother is a doctor, tell her about poor hygiene and blood bourne infection risks from piercing guns. There is a lot of information on this online. (The risk is virtually nil with needle piercing, but you do not need to tell her about needle piercing.)

Explain you're worried about the safety aspect - that DD might rip the piercings out / have them ripped out by another child and be left with a damaged ear.

Exaggerate the extent to which white British people will be disapproving of a child with pierced ears. You could mention that many British people regard it in a similar vein to FGM, ie mulilation and abusive and will therefore look at your family with disgust and ostracize you (perhaps don't try to lay it on that thick, but you get the idea). Find internet sources to back this up.

Argue that white British people will look down on your daughter as a child having pierced ears is an indicator of being from an undesirable element of the working class and therefore it will disadvantage her socially and you may be ostracised. Find evidence of people talking about 'chavs' with pierced ears. (I hasten to add that the above is NOT my personal opinion!)

Explain that many British Christians will view her piercings as deeply offensive to their God, therefore you worry about how they will react. (I've actually only ever encountered this attitude in Catholics in their 80's and 90's who view it as vandalising God's beautiful creation, but don't tell her that!) I'm sure you can find plenty of supporting evidence.

If all else fails, maybe you can try a compromise with your mother eg. Suggest waiting a few years? And in the mean time try to get into a position where you have more power or have convinced your husband?

Or suggest that she could wear clip on earrings when in the company of other Asians or out of the house? Some clip-ons are so good you can hardly tell the difference.

Change her hairstyle so that her ears are hardly visible anyway? Gives your mother / husband less to argue over.

I hope some of that helps!

It's very sad that you live in a culture where the opinion of the wife / mother is not valued very highly. Best wishes, let us know how this pans out!

I know hv can be crap on loads of issues, but I guess I'm directing her to the nearest accessible real life human who she has legitimate reason to see in her day to day life worra and that they could listen to her concerns and see how powerless and trapped she feels, and perhaps be able to sign post her to some other types of support that are local to her.

Here's the thing, your baby isn't going to care one way or another. Babies get their ears pierced all the time over here. Children adapt, earring heal, and she'll be none the worse for it.

The problem isn't the piercing itself.

It's the fact that they are branding her as a second class citizen who will be treated differently and who will not be allowed to have her own opinion. She will be growing up with two brothers who will have an equal voice, but she will not. She will have this culture shoved down her throat day in and day out.

That's something worth fighting for. You might want to ask your husband what he wants for his daughter's future. Does he want some man telling her what to do all the time? What if she marries the wrong one? How can you help her to get out if you don't first teach her to have a voice?

To do have the confidence to speak for herself, she is going to need a mother as a role model that is confident to state her beliefs and stand up for them. That starts by setting the precedent by making them listen to your voice now, not when she's "older".

If he is understanding of his son, why can't he be understanding of his daughter? Or more importantly, YOU his WIFE?

Good for you for resisting family pressure regarding the ear piercing and in allowing your son to express himself. This is healthy for your kids.

I always feel a bit sad when I see little girls with pierced ears. It seems overly grown-up to me. Perhaps telling your mom that it would be less socially accepted where you live might be helpful, as others have suggested.

I think it is healthy for people to choose which traditions they partake in, and reject those which don't feel right to them, but I know that it is difficult for you given your family pressure.