To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

I don't think you're concerned so much as wanting to be over-involved. She's twenty-four years old. It's no longer appropriate for you to know where she is at every second of the day.

RE your daughter not telling you where she's been, maybe she was just trying to get away from you.
God you are awful. I've never disliked someone so much on all these boards, leave the poor girl alone.
I wish I knew your daughter. I'd let her live with me so she could get away from you.

'the only way you can come out of depression or addiction is to decide to help yourself'

Yeah, they just need to pull their socks up/fingers out, get over themselves/get a grip, think themselves out of their depression, it's their own bloody fault the lazy fucks

I can understand why the OP wants to know where she's been. The OP is still supporting dd with food and accommodation for free. That means that dd is choosing to remain in the position of a child but not following through by behaving in a trustworthy manner. I would find that very difficult if it was under my roof. What if dd is involved in criminal activity and the police come to her mother to ask questions? What's she going to say? Well, uh actually dd is using me financially and gets up to goodness knows what. That's great.

But you've already said she helps our around the house.

Not telling where she had been for a couple of hours is normal for someone of her age.

Most 16 yo's think "out" is a reasonable explanation for a couple of hours. And I'd be inclined to agree...unless you suspect drug dealing or prostitution?

Can we hear more from the OP?

OP are you aware that your DD has posted on here with her side of the story? I don't know whether you've deliberately followed her into her personal venting space or vice versa, or whether it's just one massive coincidence, but she definitely puts a rather different slant on things to yours.

I think you need to pick your battles. You are trying to encourage her to be more independent, you can't also expect her to tell you everywhere she goes and ask permission to stay out late, she's an adult. Also, I know you are frustrated but try and aim that at the illness, not your daughter. She is clinically ill, just like someone with a physical illness. It is not so simple for her to "snap out of it" or break the vicious cycle of comfort eating. I think this comic is a great illustration of depression, hopefully it will help you understand:
www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-comics-nick-seluk-sarah-flanigan-awkward-yeti/

Please don't tell her or show her that she is a disappointment to you, imagine how hurtful that would be for her. She will already have a very low opinion of herself. Your role as a parent is to provide her with unconditional love.

Could someone please show me this apparant posting. Thanks.

Not a chance, love.

Leavemywingsbehindme- can you link me the daughters post please? I would really like to send her a supportive message.
Weird as it might sound I've thought about how alone she must feel. Maybe I could be an online kind of cheerleader!?

What an odd thread this has become.

I don't think she needs to account for her time after work to you.

So people will come here and belittle me for caring about my daughter and tell me "about her sidenof the story" but wont even show me what that is?

Can anyone show me the OP's DD's side of the story? I want to see her side and hopefully offer her a bit of support. With a mother like the OP that is something she'll probably need a lot of.

'So people will come here and belittle me for caring about my daughter'

I'm trying to restrain myself and not have a go at you but I'm really struggling to see which bits of your posts show any kind of love for your daughter kimmybus.

Just because I can't see it doesn't mean it's not there in RL of course, but what you choose to write on your thread can show what you think is important and where you're coming from.

If you'd written 'even though she does my fucking head in, I'm just so worried about my DD and the way her anxiety and depression is stopping her from being happy, how can I help her??' you would have found a lot of support here.

But you didn't, you chose to list the ways you see your DD as a lazy, fat, scrounger, and we're vipers for telling you she isn't?

Can someone pm me the DD thread? I'd also like to offer my support to her

kimmybus people have given you a lot of advice here. You have just ignored all of it.

To be fair Toads her DD did exactly the same thing. It must run in the family.

Wait. The daughter is also posting on here?

What are the odds?

It took me a second to realise what you were talking about there Wings.

It sounds like both of them need serious help.

Exactly Lilac.

And this post has just about every possible key word and clue to link the supposed DD's previous posting history, even if they've had to be shoe-horned in and aren't especially relevant, that I am cynical to say the least.

I don't know what's going on but I am pretty sure it's not accidental.

Well I haven't got a scooby that's for sure.

I think I must be rubbish at using the search function, I can't find it!!!

Clearly I'm rubbish too. I've had a search but no luck.