To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

Your ability to empathise with her has probably been burnt out over time and you need some proper support in gaining this back.

This isn't some mere acquaintance of the OP's that she can drop, this is her daughter.

I feel dreadfully sorry for your daughter OP. She needs love and support right now and she obviously isn't getting that from you.

It sounds as though you've not come to terms with your daughter's health problems. I imagine you thought by this age that your kids would have moved out, found jobs, started independent lives which is what most parents expect/ hope will happen. Instead you have ended up in a situation where you are materially/ emotionally supporting your daughter who still lives at home and whose health has a significant impact on the rest of the household. You see no end in sight or positive progression in the situation and it's grinding you down.

To some extent you need to grieve for the life you thought you'd all have and you need some help to come to terms with your daughter's health and to decide on what level of support you can provide to her in the short, medium and long term.

You don't say what professional support she currently has but you all need to work as a team.

Long term illness of any sort is relentless, all-encompassing and has a insidious effect on everyone around

Can I just encourage you a bit? My parents split up when I was at uni, and it was the best thing that ever happened to our family, all that stress and tension and unpleasantness (which your son is seeing every day) was suddenly gone. It couldn't come soon enough for me. Your son will really appreciate having a lovely home with you, and it is up to him to sort out if he wants any relationship with his father.

Sorry wrong thread completely, serious apologies.

On this thread topic, OP it sounds like you are sinking into hopelessness in the face of your daughter's illness. The things you are saying are all very general, hopeless and lacking in empathy, this may be a sign you are not coping that well or are just reaching the end of your own tether and frustration.

Interestingly, people have posted on here recently saying they don't like their autistic child, and received much more empathic responses- I have found it hard to like members of my own family when they are depressed for decades because it often presents as very self-centred and hopeless. I don't blame them for it and I still carry on trying to have a relationship, but it is draining and it's difficult to pretend this doesn't knock onto your feelings at times.

You or someone in exactly the same position has posted this before. I am not sure if this is helping you at all. I suggest you go to your GP and get some support for yourself (e.g. carer's group) which could then give you some strength to carry on because it is clear your dd may carry on in a similar situation for many years.

Some of the posts on here are plain wrong, if you give unconditional love and acceptance to people with depression, they don't get magically better at all. Nor is it caused by parents getting frustrated and feeling awful after nearly 30 years of parenting- being told you caused your child's depression is just an awful thing to say as well as exceptionally unlikely, what is more likely is that everyone in the family is now experiencing stress/depression which is reacting off each other.

It is also worth noting that the OP is also enabling the situation, to the extend that she pays for food and rent for her child, into her late twenties. Perhaps some people feel this is just part of the package, but I have seen many families where someone has somewhat poor MH but the dependence on parents then seems to go on much longer to the point they simply aren't then able to re=enter the workplace or live independently. I know people in their forties now, who haven't changed from their twenties, and are still essentially living off Mum and Dad and retreated from the world of work and they are now unemployable after twenty odd years. It doesn't sound like the dd's depression/anxiety is so bad she couldn't work at least part time in a paid position and I think that's a good goal to some extent.

These blog posts are good at explaining how most depressed people feel

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Spiteful, judgemental, lacking in empathy...just some of the words that describe the responses on here to the OP.

People seem to be so eager to attack the OP for her supposed lack of empathy that none of them seem to have bothered to try to imagine what it must feel like to be her. She has an adult daughter living at home, without a job, not paying rent, and apparently incapable of doing anything to help herself, despite the OP having spent thousands on private therapy.

I know it's not possible just to "snap out of" depression. I know some of the language the OP uses is a bit harsh. But I can also have some sympathy with the exasperation she must feel. It's not easy living with people who are mentally ill or are addicts, whether that addiction is to alcohol, food or illegal drugs. It's frustrating watching someone you love doing something over and over again that is harmful and refusing to take responsibility for it. Neither depression nor addiction is like a broken leg, because a broken leg will, with the right treatment, heal quite quickly: the only way you can come out of depression or addiction is to decide to help yourself.

I like that first link.

It's hard to empathise with someone who is coming across so badly. Jesus. All the concern seems to be about the impact on you op. Not about her at all. She needs to get the hell out so that she can salvage a shred of self esteem without being constantly judged and falling short.

the only way you can come out of depression or addiction is to decide to help yourself

Er, no. Depression doesn't work like that.

I wanted to help myself out of depression but the intrusive thoughts kept appearing. I sort of get what you mean (a bit!)
I was fortunate enough to realise my thoughts weren't rational, and took myself off the doctors - that was as far as I could go to help myself, the rest was taking the medication and turning up to counselling and CBT
This picture summed it up for me

I do remember this posters previous thread about her daughter. lilac you are right about her attitude.
I do agree that no matter what help is suggested to her, she seems not to listen.
I still suspect op needs help, before she can help her daughter.
I think she is scared. Twice, she has mentioned that what would happen if she wasn't around/alive.
I think she wants her daughter fixed, so she can stop worrying.
I feel sorry for the whole family.

Sorry about all those l 's.
Didn't look like that on my phone screen.

hackmum you are so ignorant I don't even know where to start.

Why is hackmum so ignorant glittery ? her last comment might not be true of all people with depression but it certainly was true of my experience with depression and I was a fucking nightmare to live with at the time so I get that too. I am genuinely curious why you consider her to be so off the mark for all depression.

Why is hackmun ignorant?

The op is obviously very frustrated and this need to be worked through and why should her feelings not be valid

Is the op partly the cause for her daughters depression we don't know, if this a pattern from her own childhood we don't know, is her daughter wanting keep herself in the role of young child we don't know

For many people there is resistance to fighting their depression that has to be worked through. Of course it is not a choice to become depressed but for many staying there for whatever reason seems easier. Depression can be very very complex and impacts those you live with/close relationships and no not all that have depression want to work at making changes

It Is going to take work from both the op and her daughter to make a difference

So DD has just got home from work despite finishing 2.5 hours ago. She wont tell me where she has been and is refusing to tell me. I dont know how long im supposed to let her treat her home as a hotel?!

Does does she need to tell you?

Let her be the adult that you want her to be

kimmy you don't seem to be responding to the thoughts on this thread. I think you need counselling or support to deal with this. It's not really up to you what your dd does after work and I think in her late twenties monitoring her is not appropriate anyway, even if she lives with you.

I think you need support, you are very enmeshed and cross and I suspect it is getting you down too.

Best of luck with this.

i so hope this isnt real.... Mental health is the shittest thing to live with and see people living with... but you cant expect a person waiting for a heart transplant to 'snap out of it' and run a marathon so why should anyone with depression be expected to?! Sorry OP but from your post it seems like youve been a bit of an ass to your daughter... just because shes overweight and depressed doesnt mean you can blatantly show your disappointment in her. ps, buying her nice things wont do anything. and have you thought she wont leave her job because she knows youll be awful about it?

I dont need support myself. Im fine. Its just a little upsetting that she feels she cant even tell me where she is or with whom. She doesnt have many friends so I dont even know what she is doing. Is it so wrong to be concerned about that?

Of course it is not wrong to be concerned but it's a mixed message I want you to take control to act like and adult but I still expect to know what you are doing and who with

It's difficult when you feel she is vulnerable bit little shifts can in time make huge differences

Why should she tell you where she's been? If you want her to grow up, you must accept that there will be parts of her life she won't choose to share with you. Especially if she feels you're making value judgements about her choices.

In your position, I'd see the volunteering as a huge positive and be devoutly thankful she was well to do something and attend it regularly. She probably has self-esteem issues so it's extra important that she's appreciated and doing something well.

She is likely to be acutely aware that you find it easier to love your other daughter. Just remember your other daughter isn't sick.

Things could be an awful lot worse. Depression can look much worse than this. Compared to what some parents are dealing with, you have it easy. I get that it's frustrating but do bear in mind how severe depression can be. You want your DD to be on an upward trajectory here and you must accept that you cannot hector and complain this into taking place. She will try new things as she gains confidence, and will then feel better and better about herself. Undermining the one positive element currently in her life will only sabotage that process and cause her to resist you.

Try respecting her choices. If you no longer want her to live with you, that's your choice. What you cannot do is give parental support with strings attached - e.g., I'll let you live here if you tell me where you go/apply for a real job etc.

I think it would be great for your DD to try living alone as your constant judgemental attitude could well be undermining her self-image and driving her further into harmful eating habits.

I feel so deeply sorry for your daughter. I am of a similar age to her and suffered with depression and anxiety from a very young age. I had an eating disorder - I was addicted to food and the only time I felt happy or content was when I was shoving food down my throat - your daughter sounds the same. I am so relieved that my mother was supportive, sympathetic, kind and loving - unlike you. As a mother we love our children unconditionally and are proud of them no matter what they do. If she was my daughter I would move heaven and earth to ensure she got the help she so deserves, I would love and support her EVERY DAY and praise her for even attempting to do a volunteering job at this difficult time of her life. Please never mention her weight or eating habits (it will obviously make it worse). Dont question where she had been after work - she's an adult and it's none of your business. You do come across as controlling in some aspects. I only hope that one day your daughter gets the help and happiness she so deserves. I wish o could send her