To be concerned about my daughter

[kimmybus]

She is in her 20s and doing nothing with her life.

She left school at 18 and that was it. She has suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I dont know how I can get her to snap out of it, weve spent thousands on private therapists, she has been on different medications, we brought her a dog to give her some company. Nothing has worked and its getting a bit tedious having someone who is miserable all the time.

She started volunteering for a local organisation about six months ago. She gets on well with her boss but she is using her. She changes her hours every week for when its convenient for her. So some weeks she will work every hour under the sun and others she will be sat at home 5 days a week.

She is also very overweight. She is on a diet but whenever I see her she is eating crisps, sweets and wonders why she is big.. She complains she hasnt got a boyfriend and she cant see why that is.

She is also very secretive. She never tells me where she is going and takes hours to go to the supermarket or out to buy a bottle of wine. She very occasionally goes out and socialises but otherwise sits in her room doing nothing. She smokes and we have warned her about the implications of this but she doesnt listen.

She wont get a proper job. She wants to stay volunteering as her boss as filled her head with an idea that she will get a job. There is possibility of this but it is a slim one. She is living off some money she was left by family member who died a few years ago and a small amount of benefits. We dont charge her rent, pay for her food and brought her a car.

Im just disapointed in her. She wont do anything with her life. She complains we favourtise her sibling who is very different to her and has had a succesful career after going to university which we wanted for her. We paid for private education and she threw it away. She wouldnt go to school because she was getting bullied because of her size but the solution was in her hands and she just chose to stuff her face instead because she says it helps her cope.

How can I get her to finally stop and get a hold of her life?

This is one of the few threads I follow hoping that the OP will finally see how awful they are being.

She isn't wasting her life relying on you and her father because it's fun. Or because it's easy or any other reason than necessity. Why don't you understand that?
I am also in my twenties, and I simply cannot remain in full time permanent work, because of my illnesses- I do work but i had to figure out a way to do this myself, in a self employed position, so I could take off as and when I need to. It isn't a viable business plan, and doesn't bring in big bucks so that's probably not something your daughter could do because it's not setting her up for an amazing life.
The fact that she's in her 20s, and isn't getting anywhere is probably more of a smack in the face than she needs reminding about.

And as for moving on and getting a proper job, do you know how daunting the prospect of job hunting can be to someone with depression, and anxiety is?
You apply for a job, and get hopeful that lt could be a fresh start, you check your emails, you constantly have your phone on you, you wait. You don't hear back. It feels like someone's just confirmed your fears that you aren't good enough, you do it again. Then you do it again, and again. By this point you start to question whether the points you've written in your cover letter or cv are actually true? Because you don't feel there's anything good about yourself, you are useless and why should anyone else think otherwise?
So you lower your job prospects, and you start again, then again you don't hear back, so you end up applying for minimum wage jobs, thinking that's a good place to start... You might actually get a job easily..
You get an interview and you are so nervous you can't answer the questions correctly. You are so nervous. And why would they take you seriously? You then beat yourself up for acting like such a weirdo, and don't expect they'll call back because who would want you to work for them?

Then if you do get a job you are treated like complete shit half the time, and you dread going into work.
If she has managed to keep volunteering for a while, then try to understand that she is happy there, and will be happy there if she manages to get a job there.
She needs your support, if you really can't support her or hide your contempt, then maybe help her move into her own place and keep your distance. Better to not be around her so she doesn't have to fight off your negativity.
But I'm shocked that as the woman who gave birth to her that you can't realise how hard her life is for her at the moment.
Try to understand, if you can't then you've got no business being around her.

I think it's sad that you place so little value on her achievements in volunteering where she is evidently happy, reliable and valued. Why on earth wouldn't she get a reference?

YABU and don't seem to like your Daughter very much. Some one with anxiety and depression cannot just snap out of it. They need encouragement and support particularly from their family. You say she's tried medication and it hasn't worked. Taking medication isn't a quick fix it takes time to work. Has she been to Her GP.
DD2 was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 18 months ago. She really could not work at all for about 6 months than she gradually started doing some voluntary work. No one nagged her and told her she should be doing more. We just let her know we were there for her.
She is still on Ads but is now working part time.

Does this story fit anywhere with your situation:

Imagine once upon a time that there was a daughter whose mother really really wanted to become a ballet dancer. The daughter, deep down in her soul, wished and needed to become a lumperjack. It was the life that she wanted, and it was so unobtainable for her that she could hardly remember herself that it was really her dream. After years of feeling like a round peg in a square hole, all she felt was that she was somehow personally wrong.

The daughter did not want to disappoint the mother by following her dream, which if she even knew it, would lead to her becoming a big blokey lumberjack. Instead she settled for a half-way house of just not really being anything much. She was often ill, she ate to suppress her feelings and she was too miserable to make friends.

The daughter was still feminine-ish but not really wonderful or happy about anything. The mother was not ashamed of what her daughter truly was, because she didn't know that. She was only ashamed that the daughter was nothing.

All the time there knawed away in the daughter's soul, the need to get on with her lumberjack life. She sometimes fantasised that her mother might one day pass away and she could at last work towards the life that she wanted, without disappointing the mother than she loved.

But mostly they were both just stuck. Mother and daughter. Locked in by one another's unspoken expectations.

Is this your family OP?

Either this is a reverse or you are the original OP's mother, either way there is a very dysfunctional dynamic going on somewhere in this family.

I thought this rang a MASSIVE bell and I just found the original thread.

I won't link to it, but it's there in black and white.

Good post ipsos. Describes my family to a T.
Not sure my parents would recognise it though, because they only ever wanted the best for me, but that was their opinion of what was the best, not mine.

Leavemy, any chance you could PM me the thread?
Not because I'm being nosy, but because there may be helpful advice in it.
Thanks.

Don't normally post on threads like this, but I really believe you need to think of undergoing counselling regarding your relationship with your daughter. The family dynamics here are harmful to the well-being of your daughter and are inflaming the issues. You clearly want the best for her but need guidance and insight into how to help her because you are doing it all so wrong at the moment, but you really don't see it. None of us can enter the detailed two-way dialogue that you need to start to fix this. Only when your behaviours change will the barriers be removed that are blocking the way for your daughter. you can't just repeat the same behaviours over and over again and somehow expect a different outcome.

I've read this through trying to formulate a helpful response to the OP but the words won't come for two reasons.

1. clearly the OP is not interested in helping her daughter. She has made no effort to understand the illnesses her daughter has and thinks you can just snap out of depression. I'm a long-term depression sufferer (although currently doing quite well with it all) and believe me, there is no 'snapping out' of chronic depression, especially when it's long-term. She will probably be prone to it for the rest of her life.

2. I clearly remember an extremely similar thread to this being posted before. So I'm declaring this either bullshit or a PBP who enjoys winding up people with mental health issues. I'm out and I'm reporting. I would strongly suggest others do the same.

I think you're all being harsh on the op who is obviously at the end of her tether. She obviously hopes and wants the best for her daughter and is allowed to feel frustrated about it all. She's only human.

Yes Zara, but the person who stands to come out of this worst is the dd.
If the op cares enough, she will change how she is handling things.
She needs to change her expectations of her dd, who is also only human, but has the added difficulties of MH problems.

Is your DD getting any professional help?

I read in your posts that you have the desire to make everything better for her, make her 'see' the situation she is in, make her move on.

You can't.

You have to fully understand that this is her life and, unfortunately, her illness.
Your role is to be supportive, not to 'fix' her.

Your love needs to be unconditional - and you need to tell her that you love her.
I am quite certain that she knows that she is not doing great, that she is overeating, I'd bet my last penny she is unhappy about her size etc - she does NOT need you to point all that out to her.

She needs to you to back off, put less, not more pressure on her.

I'd encourage her to speak to her GP, get some support from the Community Mental Health Team, keep that volunteering job.

You need to stop thinking even to yourself that she is 'wasting her time' or that she could be working in a paid job. She is doing what she can just now.

Ultimately whether or not your maybe inadvertant treatment had anything to do with how she is feeling, you cannot live her life for her. Nor can her sister. She needs to find her own way in life as best she can and like all of us, she needs to be encouraged to make positive choices while you have to accept that she may make bad ones.

I agree with zara
Can't anyone read between the lines anymore.
Of course op sounds harsh... She is panicking it is so bloody obvious.
op l suggest you speak with someone. In the midst of your daughter's turmoil, you have become ill yourself. I don't believe you two are so different after all.
I hope both you and your daughter find peace and a way forward.

This is so sad. If she had a physical disability I assume you wouldn't be expecting her to snap out of it. Children are a life time commitment. Ok, mostly they are able to move on and lead independent lives, but if they can't they remain our responsibility.

I can't decide if the OP is getting unnecessarily harsh responses.

I wonder if she is actually at the end of her tether, worried about her daughter and frustrated at the lack of progress, feeling overwhelmed and resentful about the situation. This can lead to focussing on the practical things- getting a job, moving on etc and playing down the hard, difficult problem at the heart of everything (her DD's mental health problems).

On the other hand, maybe she is just an unpleasant, uncaring person.

I have some insight into how living with someone suffering from depression can be awful, and how the "fatigue" of living with it can turn you into someone you don't recognise.

An ex-partner of mine suffered from depression and anxiety, which had initially been under control. We moved in together and within 6 months, his mental health had deteriorated. Everything in our lives revolved around it- he couldn't cope with the unexpected so all spontaneity was out the window. He was so depressed that everything was an effort, eventually I couldn't muster the strength to keep trying to encourage him. So he did nothing outside of basic functions. We stopped having fun, I went out with friends and he would resent it. I resented him too. It wasn't his fault, but it was so hard living with misery all the time, having to manage my whole life around his anxiety. When he stopped working, I had to take on the burden on providing financially for us both (he wouldn't claim benefits for a while). I had to play down any successes I had, as this made him feel worse. I began to resent that too.

Nothing I said or did helped. I felt helpless, crushed under the enormity of it all. So I focussed on practical things- because I felt this was something I could do. It was a distraction from the underlying issues which felt to big to cope with. Towards the end, I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't all that supportive, kind or pleasant towards him. I resented everything he did, the way he made me feel.

I knew he felt 10 times worse than I did. I knew he didn't want to be this way, I knew that life was incredibly hard for him. But still, I couldn't cope.

I left because I knew I wasn't able to support him anymore, because I didn't want to live like that and because I was turning into someone I didn't recognise.

The point of this is to say people can start off with great intentions and lots of compassion, empathy and so on- but time and lack of progress wears them down and can make them seem uncaring and unkind. Maybe that's what has happened to the OP.

OP- maybe you need to talk this through with someone who can help you manage your feeling so as not to project them onto your DD. It is ok to struggle to live with someone with depression, but you need to find a way to manage this that does not impact negatively on your DD.

I suffer with depression, and I think I may understand what your daughter is going through. Having a relationship between effort and income is a real stumbling block for me. Like your daughter, I work my arse off for free, but have really struggled in paid roles because quotas trigger my anxiety and I worry about what will happen if I use up all my sick days. I'd be a lot happier getting X amount in benefits and volunteering in the community when I feel up to it, but that's not an option. I can see why she has trouble with the idea of moving on to another job when her current situation is as stable as she can imagine ever being.

I see your point op, my friend is in a wheelchair and do you know what? she just sits in it every day wasting her youth. No matter what I say to her she won't just snap out of it and get up!!

OP is getting harsh responses because she's full of the bullshit mentally ill people constantly have to endure. It gets old, fast.

Her posts drip with contempt for her daughter, she only seems concerned for how her daughter's life fits in with her own and not for her daughter as a person or her needs.

I believe parents have their child's self esteem in their hands. It's up to us to help them at any age and through all difficulties. Of course it's tough, even the most successful children will cause us heartache.

Her problems lie with you, she needs a supportive family and she hasn't got one. She's suffering from an illness not a condition she can snap out of. Her biggest fault is she cares too much what you think. Do her favour and stop trying to cure her. Just listen, approve and be there emotionally. Don't judge her choices or show frustration. When she opens up to you, then you'll understand and can help. Good luck

op is projecting her fears for her daughter by lashing out. It doesn't make for comfortable reading but this is an anonymous forum. I read that she is at the end of her teather. I said earlier that l think she is also unwell, but hasn't recognised it in herself yet.

I think that the op has been given a really hard time. Of course people with mh issues should be understood and supported but there is very little understanding shown in this thread towards the family around her and the impact her illness is having on their lives.

I think essentially you need to sit down with her and say that you are going to support her to going wards living independently and living a fulfilling life and agree some practical measures towards this. She can't live with you forever and I think this arrangement is what is putting you under pressure. Set a deadline.
The fact is her confidence and self efficacy is never going to grow unless she gains a measure of independence. I would recommend cognitive behavioural therapy to support this for her. And I think you and your husband should get some counselling support too. Your ability to empathise with her has probably been burnt out over time and you need some proper support in gaining this back.

Best of luck!

No, Joy, if you read the thread quite a few people remember the OP starting this exact same thread under a different name some time ago.

She doesn't want advice, she's barely responding to anyone's offer of constructive help, she hasn't bothered to get any information on her daughter's conditions or how she can help her with them, or even how she as someone living with someone with depression can get help herself.

She's not lashing out because she's concerned/at the end of her tether/unsure how to help. I wish people would stop making excuses for this kind of behaviour. People have shared, on this thread, stories of their own shit parents. Some people are just uncaring and only think of number one. The OP, if real, if a prime example of this.

Great idea Amara. Set a dealing for moving out for someone suffering depression and anxiety.

Because there's nothing better for depression and anxiety than having the rug pulled from under you.

Ffs.

Her confidence won't grow until her self-worth and self-esteem grows. They won't grow while her mother treats her with contempt and dislike and plays favourites between siblings because one is ill and can't live up to her mother's demands and expectations.

OP I would think it would be well worth your seeking help from a psychologist yourself. If you could get that outside perspective and an opportunity to get your own frustrations off your chest then you might find you have more energy to move forward with supporting your daughter, even if she is not able to move forward much for a while.