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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to hubby quitting his job? [title edited by MNHQ]

101 replies

twinkle1990 · 22/10/2015 10:44

My husband is a teacher and is finding the workload at the moment unmanageable. He is stressed, having trouble sleeping and generally not enjoying his job.

This morning I receive a text saying he wants to give his notice in today or tomorrow (so he will be able to finish work at Xmas, otherwise he would have to wait until February half term) he is going to ring me at lunchtime to discuss.

I'm self employed, so my earnings are variable and can't be relied upon (this however, works well for us as otherwise we would have to pay childcare)

We were planning on selling our house to look for a bigger one, as now we have had another baby and as I work from home, we really need more space. Him quitting his job, would also put an end to this idea. I'm not sure how we would pay for our mortgage now, never mind a bigger mortgage.

He has been applying for jobs for the last month and has not had any replies. He thinks doing supply teaching will ride us over. Having done some quick research this morning, I think this would be very unlikely!

Aibu to say no, he can't quit his job without finding another one first, even though he is so unhappy?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/10/2015 10:47

This is not a conversation to have on the phone and it also sounds like a very reactive decision

However, no point in pointing this out at lunch time as I think it will just end up with a row

I would speak to him briefly and be very sympathetic at lunchtime. I would say can you discuss tonight as you don't have time this lunchtime. he can still hand in his notice tomorrow etc.

Then tonight point out all the financial issues etc.

HeySoulSister · 22/10/2015 10:47

Yes yabu

He's an adult ( albeit with responsibilities) but it's up to him what he does!

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 10:48

Wouldn't supply teaching be more stressful?

What kind of a man is he? Is he likely to settle down on the sofa and have a nice rest, or will he search and search for something suitable?

ilovesooty · 22/10/2015 10:48

I have to ask whether you realise the implications of saying no? He will be stuck there until Easter at least and it sounds as though he is at breaking point now.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/10/2015 10:50

He can resign tomorrow though. If you're going to resign, you need to at least discuss such an important decision thoroughly with your partner.

Even if your DH does have to stay til Easter, if the stress is genuinely making him unwell, he can be signed off sick. That will allow him to recover and consider carefully what to do

Babyroobs · 22/10/2015 10:50

I think you should encourage him to get some help with managing his stress, whether through self help techniques or through his GP, before he makes any rash decisions. I have been in a similar situation myself where work stress seems overwhelming and I just want to pack it all in, but at the end ofthe day having a home to ive in and being able to support my family are priorities, and I have managed to muddle through. Could he take some sick time ?

SevenOfNineTrue · 22/10/2015 10:53

Has he spoken to the Head about his workload? Has he spoken to other teachers about how they cope?

LovelyBranches · 22/10/2015 10:54

Your husband is telling you he can't cope. Listen to him. It sounds like life is tough for you both at the moment and it will mean extra responsibilities for you at a time when you really don't need them, but if my DH was as extreme enough to hand in his notice in those circumstances then I'd have to listen too.

I don't think now is the right time to have this discussion and I agree with the pp that you both sit down tonight and try and work together to look at the family finances and how they would bear up in the worst case scenario.

HeadDreamer · 22/10/2015 10:56

YABU I'm sorry. Work stress is real and very damaging. You need to take his health seriously. You don't need to move to a bigger house. It's not the same when you say him quitting his job means you'll be defaulting on your mortgage. Why does it have to be him taking the full time stressful job and you work from home part time? Why can't you take a full time job and he SAH for a bit? Or maybe you both go part time and share childcare?

What it means is having a real talk about his plans and the family. But you can't just rule out him quitting his job.

HeadDreamer · 22/10/2015 10:57

Will they allow him to go part time? Is supply teaching better? Can he retrain or go into another field?

TheOnlyColditz · 22/10/2015 10:58

YABU

It's not your decision

You can make decisions for yourself based on what he does - you can;t make decisions for him.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 10:59

Agree completely with HeadDreamer*. YAB completely U imho - sorry. I'd be a hell of a lot more concerned with my DH's health and stres levels than moving to a bigger house ffs. Sorry if that's harsh.

Original poster
twinkle1990 · 22/10/2015 11:00

He is a bit in the middle, I don't think he would sit on his bum doing nothing all day, but st the same time I don't think he would be as proactive finding a job as I would want him to be and he is quite picky.

He said he is beyond breaking point :(

I'm completely torn between needing to be sensible to provide a stable home for the children and between wanting my husband to be happy (or at least not stressed)

I suppose if I am being 100% honest I am also a little resentful. I worked 14
hours a day 5 days a week, and 7-10 hours a day at the weekend for three months with no day off last year. (Usual hours are 12 hours a day Monday to Friday) Iv also gone back to work within 3 months of having a baby, all for the good of our family and to keep us afloat.

OP posts:
Whoknewitcouldbeso · 22/10/2015 11:02

I'm afraid you have no choice. He may tip into a serious mental illness if you force him to stay and I promise you that is a thousand times more difficult to deal with than your current status quo.

fearandloathinginambridge · 22/10/2015 11:03

My concern would be that he's not in a fit state to go into a new job. If he is burned out, depressed, mega-stressed then he needs to deal with that first and I think the way to do this is to stay where he is and get signed off.

I second him going to the GP. If he can get signed off then that will buy some time to look at his problems and decide what to do next. It might be that with some time off, counselling and mess he can get back to a point where he can face work again at the same place.

It's hard because he does have a responsibility to contribute financially to the home but he can't do that at the expense of his mental health.

Until this is sorted you need to put the idea of a bigger home on a back burner. Sanity and happiness are far more important.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/10/2015 11:04

I think you're being selfish to put a bigger house before his mental health. He should quit if his job is affecting his health, and should look for something he enjoys more. You are equally responsible for the household finances - presumably you became self employed to increase your quality of life. Could you not return to working outside the home (at least part time) and he could then cut down his teaching hours to part time? That way, you still wouldn't need childcare. YABU to maintain your own insecure earnings while expecting him to work himself into the ground to get you a bigger house - you both need to pull your weight, and that might mean both of you working part time. If you don't care about his happiness, he may leave and then you won't get the big house you want anyway.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 22/10/2015 11:04

Twinkle I used to work very long hours self employed and I can assure you it is not the same as working shorter hours when you are at breaking point with stress.

cherrylola · 22/10/2015 11:05

With my sensible head on, I would advise him to get to the GP ASAP and get signed off work for stress. Whilst off he would have to focus on finding another job. It would be completely irresponsible to quit now but at the same time he clearly shouldn't be working there as it could spiral out of control very quickly.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 11:06

tbh if you are having to work those mad hours etc just to stay afloat, you probably shouldn't be planning on moving to a bigger house.

I can understand your resentment from your last post, but I still think if your DH is at breaking point you need to find another solution than both working yourselves to destruction. And no, you still can't forbid him from quitting his job afaic. That's an awful thing to do to another adult (sorry again if that's harsh).

Original poster
twinkle1990 · 22/10/2015 11:07

I already work full time, I couldn't get a job that would pay as well and cover childcare costs. My highest qualifications are a levels.

Putting the bigger house aside, we still have a mortgage to pay for. We don't have any savings at the moment as he has just bought a new car using up all our savings!

I do think it would be a rash decision if he quit now. I do think he needs to be signed off and discuss his workload with the head. I think that might be the best thing to suggest st the moment

OP posts:
snowgirl1 · 22/10/2015 11:07

Rather than hand his notice in, maybe he should speak to the head teacher about whether there is anything that could be done to help him/reduce his workload and to explain that he's at breaking point. The school have a duty of care and will, hopefully, want to avoid him being signed-off long-term sick due to stress so it will be in their interest to help him. Is there an Occ Health department at the Local Authority that he could contact for advice/support?

marmitemofo · 22/10/2015 11:08

I think some of the responses on here have been a bit harsh. Yes, I agree YAB a bit U to immediately say no without discussing it with him, and tbh to value getting a bigger house over his health. But he would BU to hand in his notice without discussing it with you properly (e.g. tonight) and looking at the financial implications (i.e. can you pay your current mortgage?) of handing in his notice.

For the pp saying 'it's his decision' erm but seeing as they have a child and a mortgage, no it isn't. Decisions like this should be made as a family, but maybe that's just the way my family works... didn't think it was that unusual? in my house we make all decisions regarding work/life etc as a team. would you really just hand in your notice at work without discussing it properly with your DP/DH? seriously?

IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 22/10/2015 11:08

He has reached out and told you he is at breaking point and is clearly very very unhappy. Forcing him to continue in this situation IMO would be cruel and could well lead to serious mental health issues which are much harder to turn around and recover from. I understand that bills need paying and the family needs feeding etc, but money is not everything and it's amazing how far you can tighten your belt when needed. Please do not make him feel he has no way out of this situation which is clearly already making him feel trapped. That would be inhumane. I really hope this turns into a positive outcome for you both x

Pythonesque · 22/10/2015 11:09

He needs to see his GP I think as part of this discussion - probably with you? Do point out to him that he has sick leave available in his current role which he will not have while doing supply. Agree with above comments that he may need some time off and breathing space to move forward. While quitting his current job may indeed be the right decision in the long term, in his current state is probably the wrong time to make that decision.

Why don't you phone and see if you can get him an urgent appointment - I appreciate he'll resent the time to attend ... Good luck.

ValancyJane · 22/10/2015 11:10

As a teacher, I'd say he must be seriously at breaking point to have said this. The statistics on teachers currently off with stress / considering quitting due to workload and pressure are very concerning. I agree with others that this isn't a conversation to have over the phone, point out that he can always hand his notice in tomorrow when you've had a proper discussion tonight.

Why do you think supply work would not tide him over? The daily rate is pretty good (admittedly there is no holiday pay, so budgeting is essential) and he could always pick up some tutoring especially if he teaches a core subject, or possibly exam marking for this summer's exams. I don't think he'd struggle to get work. The demand for supply teachers is massive at the moment (due to teachers quitting / being off with stress ironically), I work with two colleagues who did supply a few years ago, both had phonecalls from different agencies they'd not worked for in years asking if they were interested in any work as they had loads going. I know a lot of teachers who do supply and really rate it, my former head of department has been doing supply for three years now and absolutely loves the work life balance he has now, he has no intention of going back to full-time work with the marking / pressure / stress that entails!

(I say all of this as a teacher who is currently signed off with stress, though my doctor has kindly termed it exhaustion, and who will quite possibly end up going on supply after maternity leave...)