To say no to hubby quitting his job? [title edited by MNHQ]

[twinkle1990]

My husband is a teacher and is finding the workload at the moment unmanageable. He is stressed, having trouble sleeping and generally not enjoying his job.

This morning I receive a text saying he wants to give his notice in today or tomorrow (so he will be able to finish work at Xmas, otherwise he would have to wait until February half term) he is going to ring me at lunchtime to discuss.

I'm self employed, so my earnings are variable and can't be relied upon (this however, works well for us as otherwise we would have to pay childcare)

We were planning on selling our house to look for a bigger one, as now we have had another baby and as I work from home, we really need more space. Him quitting his job, would also put an end to this idea. I'm not sure how we would pay for our mortgage now, never mind a bigger mortgage.

He has been applying for jobs for the last month and has not had any replies. He thinks doing supply teaching will ride us over. Having done some quick research this morning, I think this would be very unlikely!

Aibu to say no, he can't quit his job without finding another one first, even though he is so unhappy?

My DH quit his job with nothing else to go to as the stress was intolerable and was really making family life unbearable.
However, I am the main breadwinner and he got another job quickly. I would say it was the next decision we ever made, he spent 3 months with our DD which really helped their relationship.

However, he can't just call you at lunchtime, this is a really big decision which merits proper discussion especially if there are big financial consequences. Forgetting the bigger house, how will you pay bills, mortgage in the shorter term?
He should get signed off and take a breather I agree.
It can be very difficult to get a new job when you are in this frame of mind though

I think he needs to be very careful about being signed off with stress if he wants to remain in teaching ling term, or get another full time teaching job somewhere else.

I'm a teacher and have various mental health issues (anorexia, mild bipolar, OCD etc) and am lucky that they have never required me to take time off work. I have to be extremely careful to hide them from my employer and have to ensure that they don't affect my work/duty of care.

If you have to mark down on an application from that you have taken an extended time off for mental health problems, I can't imagine that you would be chosen for the job. I might be wrong but it just seems ulikely if there are candidates who have good attendance records. Unless of course the candidate with the MH problems is far superior in other ways.

Stress is perhaps even trickier to handle than most MH conditions because it's so hard to understand if you haven't suffered from it (I haven't, I don't think, and I certainly find it a problem to really get). I guess because everyone gets stressed at work and the name of the illness is the same as the temporary feeling it's not easy to understand why some reach breaking point (ie have the illness) and others get over it (ie have the feeling).

Is Stress what used to be called a Nervous Breakdown? I understand that the latter might not be a very sympathetic or PC term but I do think it conveys the seriousness of the situation and makes it easier to empathise with.

It's also not clear from the OP whether her husband is stressed or has Stress. If he is stressed then I think resigning is definitely the way forward (preferably AFTER finding another job but that for him and the OP to decide). He doesn't want a Stress absence on his record for no real reason.

I second what was said about thread about the current availability of supply work - unless you're somewhere pretty isolated IME supply teachers can get virtually as much work as they want. Friends who do it say it is also much less stressful than a permanent job as, unless they take long term placements, they don't have to deal with all the paperwork, marking, parents' evenings, meetings etc.

Teaching is ridiculously stressful and if he is feeling like that then he's right to leave. You can't tell him that he can't - you should support him as he's obviuosly feeling desperate enough to quit a well paid job.

Supply teaching is much less stressful in terms of workload and in certain areas he would be able to get work every day. Depending on his subject I'm sure he'll find a new job reasonably fast.

Yeah, I would really never get signed off with stress. Far better to just hand in notice. He will have a good chunk of time to find something new.
And, if you are not really earning a full time wage I think it's probably time you did...I agree with a pp that is you are regularly working very long hours and can't keep the family afloat even for a short time, and if this has been the case for while, then it's time to re-think.
The responsibility of paying the mortgage does not just rest on your husband. And as for paying for childcare-could he work part time and look after the children more?

manic, Stress is the build up to a nervous breakdown. Which is why most employers take it seriously - they don't want to be liable for your loss of earnings if you are actually unable to recover from the Stress they place you under.

Yes, I agree that if he is at breaking point he must take a break immediately (by being signed off) and then resign from his current post if need be. My dad was a teacher for 40 years, after working in one place for many years he was forced into taking early retirement. He was really upset as he felt nowhere near ready to give up work & immediately signed up with a couple of supply agencies. The only weeks of the year he didn't get offered work were school holidays (obviously) and generally the first few days of each term. Most days/weeks he had more than one school to choose from! On top of this he also earned more money as a supply teacher (even taking holidays into account) and had virtually none of the stress. If he wasn't enjoying a particular school for any reason, he had no obligation to return beyond the day or week he was booked for.

I'm sure supply isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it'll keep your bills paid whilst DH looks for something more permanent.

You really can't force him to stay doing something that is making him ill.

On another note, I know personally of four teachers who have either given up teaching completely or are on long term sickness absences due to severe stress this year alone. It's very sad, as a parent, that there is obviously something very wrong with the way the people we rely on to educate our DCs are being treated. Where will we be if this trend continues?

Am a bit , he's so stressed he wants to hand in his resignation but will continue to work throughout the resignation period?

When I was so stressed I thought that I was going mad, I couldn't face even getting in the car to go to work, let alone consider applying for other jobs.

He's been applying for jobs without success has he asked for feedback?

My employer didn't want to know Amelia, it's taken a year to recover but ever a mention of that company gives me palpitations

Agree with others, assuming you've already talked to him (and hopefully said "dont resign today, at least let us talk it through tonight"), then tonight you need to sit him down and explain that walking out on his job when he's the only one in full time secure employment without another job to go to when you have no savings and a mortgage to pay isn't an option.

Options include going off on sick for a few weeks to clear his head to think more sensibly, getting out of the stressful situation often is what you need to help you think about how to get through it.

Can you sell the car to give you a buffer?

Other thoughts, can you apply for a salaried job and swap roles with him taking on the bulk of the childcare, working round it with supply/part time work?

Can he ask to go part time - particularly if you have small DCs he can apply for a flexible working request, if he was only working part time, could you cover the shortfall by increasing your hours/changing your job?

If he isn't getting jobs he's applying for, is that a sign there's a lot of qualified teachers competiting in your area - that might not be good for being able to get a lot of supply work or quickly find another job.

BTW - you might find once you have an 'exit plan', he'll find going to work a lot easier. At the moment, his plan is just get through to Christmas then work out after that what to do next.

I would say, longer term - if he's going to continue in a teaching career, you need to build up savings of approx 6 months mortgage and bills levels - no spending it on new cars etc, there's a good chance this will happen again, and if his solution to a stressful career choice is to wait until it's intolerable then walk away, you've got to cushion your family from that. If he doesn't want to be a teacher long term, you need some serious conversations about what else he wants to do with his life (that's less stressful but as well paid).

And yes, if you are working all those hours, in a job that doesn't pay enough to keep the family, even though you are in a small house, I would suggest you need to think about changing jobs too. He's showing you that long term, his teaching career isn't something you can bank on keeping the family. I wouldn't be thinking abotu getting a bigger house, I'd be thinking about making sure I could cover the bills and treating his wage as a useful bonus unless he finds a new career he's more suited to.

Where will we be if this trend continues?

The only teachers left will be those that can handle the stress, rather than the ones who are actually good at teaching. Hopefully there's a significant overlap!

Right, here's what I would do (as far as a stranger's opinion on the internet matters).

1 don't quit - he's not thinking sensibly.

2 of to the dr and get signed off due to stress.

3 when he can, go back and actively look for a new job

4 get signed off again if needed

5 consider handing in notice to leave at Easter when you've had more time to think clearly.

6 it's normally women who end up in part time roles, but there's no reason he can't look for part time work/ job shares.

Take care.

How he proceeds depends on whether his head teacher is part of the problem. Bear in mind that if he does get signed off with work related stress and his head teacher is unsupportive he could end up on capability and this has to be declared to a future employer. If this is threatened and his union advise negotiating an agreed reference and settlement many supply agencies won't accept them.
From that point of view he might be better off resigning before the 31st October deadline.

Your post could have been written by me this time last year.

Fast forward 12 months DH left teaching at Easter and started sports coaching immediately, a job he had got lined up over the months between wanting to quit and actually quitting. He's on only slightly less money but far fewer hours (so technically a per hour raise) and he's so much less stressed. DD2 was born in June and there's no way I could have coped if he'd still be teaching. And I don't think he'd have coped either. Perhaps suggest that to him as a compromise? If he needs signing off in the meantime that's more time he's got to job hunt.

Its much better to leave than get signed off with stress. He will be able to get another job even if in the short term it's not as well paid.

I have been where he is and it is the best decision I ever made. After a stressful few weeks I managed to get another job on exactly the same money.

So yabu if you are not enjoying teaching it sends you straight round the bend.

However, not being able to cope with the workload of a job does not mean you should be signed off ill. It might mean you are not very good at managing what that job requires.

If your husband wants to resign, I think he should resign.

DH and I are teachers. It is a very heavy workload but many teachers manage it and have lives. If he can't do that, it is not the job for him and never will be unless he finds a part-time post or does private tutoring. Life in schools is tough and does not get easier. He would probably be much happier doing something else.

I don't think the issues in teaching are just workload lulu. For me it was the autocracy that I couldn't stand but we're all different.

Surely rather than handing his notice in right now, which seems like quite a snap decision, the most sensible thing would be for OP's husband to get an urgent appointment with his GP to discuss things and get signed off for a bit if necessary.

That will give him breathing space and give you both time to discuss how you would manage if he were to leave.

I actually think it's not as simple as saying "it's more important your husband is happy"- if you lose your home because you can't pay the bills, then you will all be badly affected. I can't imagine that wouldn't also be difficult and stressful for OP's husband (not to mention the impact on the OP and her husband).

I think there will be many teachers doing the same thing tomorrow. Unfortunately the way our contracts work we can't resign at any time- the leaving points are restricted.

So many people I know have left teaching in state schools- 8 colleagues in the last 2 1/2 years, from a primary school of 12 classes. It's almost all stress related. An awful state of affairs for local children. In this area any teacher leaving at Christmas without a job planned now, could certainly be teaching in January. There's a massive shortage.

OP how did the conversation go? I hope you managed to have a good thorough talk about it all.

I heard on the radio this morning that the majority of teachers have considered quitting in the last six months.
I'm not surprised quite frankly.

YANBU. He is responsible for 50% of the household. I agree he clearly doesn't like this job, but he cannot just ignore those responsibilities. If he can find another way of bringing in that income, great. But if not it would be very unfair of him to simply not work and sponge off you.

But, it would be ok for her to " sponge " off him? So..If he got a part time teaching job, and picked up the childcare slack, would he still be a sponger?

chrome this is obviously way more serious than not liking his job.

Did you talk to your dh yet op? How did it go?

It might help to read this thread running at the moment to get a better idea of why he's wanting to quit.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2493519-To-wonder-why-so-many-teachers-want-to-quit?pg=1&order=