To say no to hubby quitting his job? [title edited by MNHQ]

[twinkle1990]

My husband is a teacher and is finding the workload at the moment unmanageable. He is stressed, having trouble sleeping and generally not enjoying his job.

This morning I receive a text saying he wants to give his notice in today or tomorrow (so he will be able to finish work at Xmas, otherwise he would have to wait until February half term) he is going to ring me at lunchtime to discuss.

I'm self employed, so my earnings are variable and can't be relied upon (this however, works well for us as otherwise we would have to pay childcare)

We were planning on selling our house to look for a bigger one, as now we have had another baby and as I work from home, we really need more space. Him quitting his job, would also put an end to this idea. I'm not sure how we would pay for our mortgage now, never mind a bigger mortgage.

He has been applying for jobs for the last month and has not had any replies. He thinks doing supply teaching will ride us over. Having done some quick research this morning, I think this would be very unlikely!

Aibu to say no, he can't quit his job without finding another one first, even though he is so unhappy?

[Ubik1]

I would let him resign.

[PurpleDaisies]

I've had a horrendous job in the past where I ended up in such a state that I'd made plans to injure myself rather than have to go to work again. Your husband is telling you he's "past breaking point". He needs help.

Teaching is odd in that you need to give a very long notice period. I would be fully supporting him in doing what he needs to do to get out of it if that's what he feels he has to do. He will still have a while to find a new job, and supply teaching works really well for many friends of mine.

You need a face to face chat. If my husband was telling me he was really stressed and unhappy at work to the extent where he was past his breaking point I don't know how I could insist on him staying there.

[DancingLady]

Is his mental health more important than paying the mortgage and risking homelessness? Both are important. If OP is the only one working, and working every day for 12+ hours, that puts a LOT of stress on her.

They have no savings. He just used them up buying a new car. I don't think OP is BU to want to discuss all the implications of him being unemployed.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

puddy
Even if those financial concerns include not being able to pay the mortgage.

I question some of the knee jerk reactions. He appears to have done nothing to seek any help e.g. Go to the GP or speak to the Head. Instead he wants to quit and quite possibly leave the OP to pick up the pieces.

[Bobby2013]

He's obviously at breaking point - but quitting would just make it worse. I'm freelance, and so is my husband - but my husband's work has dried up and he's in a financial mess. It's putting a huge strain on our marriage, and is impacting on my ability to work as I'm so depressed about it and worried how we will cope. Your DH needs to speak with his headteacher and his union to try and ease a solution out - it could be he goes part-time, at least that would reduce workload but also give you a regular, if reduced, income. Quitting would help in the short-term but not the long. I'd put the pressure of a bigger house to one side for now though, taking on more debt will only make the situation harder. I hope you can find a solution, but having two irregular salaries is not a good option, I know because we're suffering from it.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

I don't think OP is BU to want to discuss...

No that's not U at all. But that's not what OP asked is it? OP asked if it would BU to 'say no' to DH and that he would have to keep working till he finds a new job. That is VU in my book.

Definitely agree they should discuss face to face and possibly he could be signed off and ask for more support from the school before handing in notice. But I really think an out and out no would be unhelpful and unsupportive in these circumstances.

I've never found myself in this position so I can't comment as pps have, but I am a SAHM and we have a big mortgage, but when DH is massively stressed about work I always tell him he doesn't have to stay there. We would find a way to cope even if we had to sell our house and move in with my Dad till we found our feet. I guess we're lucky we have that option.

[StressheadMcGee]

I've just handed in my notice for my teaching job, because the stress is just unmanageable. Those of you saying "talk to the head" to ask for reduced hours have obviously not worked in schools recently - I don't think that'll made a bit of a difference.

I don't think I realised just how ill I was feeling until I formally resigned, and immediately felt so much better because I know that this stress is time limited. Just because your DH is at breaking point now doesn't mean that he won't be capable of getting a new job by January.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

yanbu

this happened to my friend, and then SHE was made redundant. Now they are both out of work


you need to talk


FFS how can people with kids and a family just resign? baffles me. Think of them down the pits I say and keep trudging on

[cestlavielife]

has he been to the GP already about his stress?
has he had such episodes of stress before and dealt with them by moving jobs? (ie how resilient is he?)
is he prone to depression?
has he had such episodes before?
was the new car needed or a rash decision which might indicate ups/downs in his MH?
can you sell the car get a cheaper one?

don't make any plans to move right now.

your h needs some support with his stress. go to GP with him, talk to a counsellor, talk to his union rep about resigning versus getting support for his MH and staying in post.

it may be part of a much bigger picture/problem. my exp resigned from work with stress - it was part of a far bigger MH picture and it certainly didnt fix the underlying problem...carrying on was not an option but the idea of resigning, finding freelance work etc simply didnt materialise...things just got worse and worse MH wise..you and he may be in for a long haul but you can take action now immediately - you need to get him to GP and into some talking therapy.

if it long term means a different direction and no big house then so be it. but you cant just expect him to carry on working regardless of his stress.

[allinall]

As a teacher who resigned without another job to go to, having been driven to the very edge of all reason by the stress of teaching, I would say listen to him. Really listen to the underlying message. If he just carries on he is likely to end up very ill, possibly making ever going back to teaching impossible. And then you are likely to have a longer period without earnings while he retrains for something else. And the damage to his health can take a long time to heal.

Speaking to the head is unlikely to help - usually at least some of the stress is coming from the HT.

I agree he has over a week to decide, the resignation date is 31st October and it's fine to resign in the holidays.

He is likely to get enough supply to tide you over. Get on to a few agencies over the half term break. Supply is much much less stressful than full time teaching on a contract.

I know it's scary for you to think of giving up a regular salary, but it's so much better than having a partner who is too ill to work.

[bessiebumptious2]

If the roles were reversed, what would you want to happen?

Would you expect to be told to just 'suck it up' because you need to pay the mortgage and your DH wanted a bigger house and told emphatically 'no, you can't resign - you'll just have to go on being miserable and stressed', or would you want support to make the right decision for YOU?

[NewLife4Me]

YABU he is obviously unhappy. Would you prefer him to be signed off with stress or depression as this is the likely outcome if he is unhappy and you feel it's your place to tell him he can't quit.
I can't understand how anybody could even for one minute object especially if it's the one person you are supposed to love.
I have been here and told dh he didn't even need to ask and to give his notice immediately.
We got by, just about until work picked up.

[belindarose]

I'm not sure everyone on here realises that if he doesn't resign now (or by 31st anyway) he CAN'T get a new job until Easter. I don't think it sounds like he wants to resign and stop working. More that he'll continue until January 1st when he can start a new job. If he doesn't get one, he'll try supply.

[EarlyNewDawn]

Go on to tes.co.uk and look at the workplace dilemmas forum.

It should help you understand more.

Life and health matters more.

[Junosmum]

I've actually been in an almost identical situation. I actually said yes - I was honestly terrified, no idea how we'd pay bills etc - I was at uni and working part time, so not enough to cover the bills, we had a mortgage to pay etc. But the impact teaching was having on OH was staggering - he was genuinely ill with it all. And I had to support him.

We sat down and talked it through, agreed that he would do supply until he got another job. The agreement was she had to take all supply going, including doing supply in nursery and private schools during the standard school holidays in order to make ends meet. He ended up getting a long-term supply post which paid him during the holidays. He also decided to change career - after I finished uni he went back and did a conversion masters to work in IT, we chose the course at the particular uni he attended as it allowed him to continue to work supply part time, and by then I also had a fulltime job.

It wasn't easy but neither was seeing how ill he was becoming. And now, three weeks in to his new job he is so much happier, our life is so much better. We had to put a few thins on hold (including a house move) but I'm now pregnant and we are renovating our house and we have never looked back.

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss a realistic plan n how he is going to move forward with this. Is it this school, all teaching, or something else? He needs to get support for his stress- possibly medical/ psychological and you both need to work out your priorities. Good luck.

[EnglishWeddingGuest]

1. He should take a few days off sick to have an immediately break "pressure release value"
   

1. He should see the doctor - it doesn't mean he has to sign off with stress - medication can be helpful in some scenarios - but it gives him options and a different perspective
   

1. He needs to work out exactly what is stressing him and see if it can be addressed - changing jobs and staying a teacher may not help him at all and you might be back at square one .... There's a saying "if you don't know where you are going, best stay where you are lest you get lost" . You don't want to throw in the towel without addressing the issues or you'll just go ahead and repeat history and end up right back here again.
   

Being unemployed has its own stressors - it can seem like the illusive nirvana and then end up a mirage with you eating sand - I would advise against resigning immediately without working out a plan

Take a step back - a short break - get professional help - work out exactly the triggers - and then make a Plan either to remove triggers or find a job without triggers

And never ever make a decision when you are emotional

[CloakAndJagger]

YANBU. Work is stressful and stress can cause many problems, but leaving a job with nothing to go into and putting all of the financial pressure on your spouse isn't going to fix it, just move the stress elsewhere.

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

Just as a bit of a tangent to this thread, but I'm genuinely concerned by how many people on here are saying that they suffered with this level of MH issues caused by teaching. That's seriously not right. If there was that level of stress and anxiety issues in my workplace, particularly at the standard grade (not management iyswim) I'd be looking into how on earth it could be fixed to prevent catastrophic levels of resignations.

It baffles me that this is just seen as standard...

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Sell the car. Sell the house. Buy a cheaper house. You obviously can't afford your current lifestyle.

Why on earth were you even considering buying a bigger house when you have to work stupid hours and he has to work a job he hates just to avoid mortgage default? Spending the savings on a car is mad too. Why are you pricing supply work, not him?

It sounds like you two have a very dysfunctional arrangement for time and money management.

Do you suspect that he is a cocklodger? Is there a back story?

[hiddenhome2]

Medication can help to lessen the stress and help the person deal with things and give them the space to make some rational decisions. You don't need to be on them long term either.

I think he should see his GP, get a couple of weeks off, start some meds then begin to take stock and plan. If he puts a medium/long term plan on place, that alone might give him the boost he needs to continue for the time being.

[Gatehouse77]

Personally, I would value the mental health and general stability of my DH over a salary cheque. And I speak from experience.

I have worked in the field of education on and off most of my working life and could not be a fully-fledged teacher. The amount of paperwork, target setting, pastoral care, lesson planning, MH issues with students increasing, SEN strategies, marking, feedback, etc., etc. is unbelievable.

Frankly, I admire anyone who stays in the current education system.

[sexybeast]

I went off sick from teaching and my DH was nothing but supportive. Please be the same for your DH - teaching in some schools is terribly stressful. Tell him to get signed off then he can recharge his mental batteries and work out what he needs to do next. I really feel for him.

[Dismalfuckers]

I think YABU.

Could the fact he texted you about this is because he's a bit scared of your reaction?

I appreciate you cope with a lot of stuff, but that doesn't matter in relation to what he can cope with.

It might lead to a happier life all round, albeit possibly with less money or change of lifestyle.

[expatinscotland]

I agree with EnglishWeddingGuest. Having been without work and skint to homelessness, it was unbelievably stressful.

He needs to see the GP as an emergency appointment and get signed off first thing.

Then you talk.

[AmeliaNeedsHelp]

dodo, not all teaching is the same. I work for a great head who responds well to 'I need help'. Equally, I've known heads turn round to staff and say 'teaching is stressful, just get on with it'.

The stress is seen as standard because it is standard. I think that teaching, a bit like being self-employed, is hard because you don't just leave it at the door. Because you work more hours than you are contracted for, and constantly take work home, its really hard to compartmentalise. There's always more you can be doing to make your teaching better, so having an evening off work can feel awful - in your head is always 'if I just worked a bit harder, or a few more hours, the kids would do even better'.

To change that the whole culture would have to change. Agreed working hours during term time would be a good start. At the moment, head teachers can just keep asking for more and more work from their staff, and the culture is that you just don't say no.

OP, you need to discuss with your DH. If a person is saying "I can't cope" it should be taken seriously.