To say no to hubby quitting his job? [title edited by MNHQ]

[twinkle1990]

My husband is a teacher and is finding the workload at the moment unmanageable. He is stressed, having trouble sleeping and generally not enjoying his job.

This morning I receive a text saying he wants to give his notice in today or tomorrow (so he will be able to finish work at Xmas, otherwise he would have to wait until February half term) he is going to ring me at lunchtime to discuss.

I'm self employed, so my earnings are variable and can't be relied upon (this however, works well for us as otherwise we would have to pay childcare)

We were planning on selling our house to look for a bigger one, as now we have had another baby and as I work from home, we really need more space. Him quitting his job, would also put an end to this idea. I'm not sure how we would pay for our mortgage now, never mind a bigger mortgage.

He has been applying for jobs for the last month and has not had any replies. He thinks doing supply teaching will ride us over. Having done some quick research this morning, I think this would be very unlikely!

Aibu to say no, he can't quit his job without finding another one first, even though he is so unhappy?

[trulybadlydeeply]

He has clearly reached breaking point, and he needs all the support you can give him TBH, otherwise paying your mortgage is the least of your worries. he is not unhappy, as you say, he is very unwell, by the sound of it. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh towards you, I appreciate this is a very difficult situation for you, but I think you need to see the potential seriousness of this.

When you speak to him, tell him he really needs to see the gp asap. Offer to ring and make the apt, if he will allow you to. he can then be signed off sick, and can take time to assess how he feels, his health, and the job. He may be offered medication, which may assist him. Also encourage him to speak to the headteacher, and be honest with how he is feeling.

It may be that he doesn't need to give in his notice, once he has your support, medical support, and the support of the school to get better. I don't think he is in any position to make a decision right now, and I certainly don't think he should be working.

Good luck OP

[JeffsanArsehole]

It would be a really bad idea to get signed off sick with stress if he wants to go elsewhere

If he ultimately wants to stay at his current place but with maybe less management responsibilities then getting signed off sick for a couple of weeks might help.

Bear in mind that it's coming up to half term and students and teachers may be really knackered so overreacting would be a bad idea.

He can always not hand his notice in, relax and take a more realistic view when he's had some sleep next week, and then decide if he needs to visit the doctor to get signed off with stress.

[JessieMcJessie]

Please don't take this the wrong way but if you are working standard 12 hours a day 5 days a week yourself (with periods of even more intense work) and not making enough to tide you all over while he takes a break for the sake of his mental health, your own business model sounds like it is no quite right.

Who looks after the children when you are working? Either you are doing both at once (which would explain so many hours for such little return) or you are paying for childcare. If you're paying then that is an expense which will disappear when he is at home to look after them.

As others have said, being self employed may be hard work and stressful but it is a very very different kettle of fish from being stressed in an institutional environment with authorities and inspectors to answer to and little control over your own working day.

He must be very unhappy indeed to consider leaving his pupils in the lurch like this. His teaching skills won't disappear and he has already said he'll do supply. Forget the short-term dream of he bigger house and concentrate on getting him well in the medium/long term.

Hope you had a productive discussion yesterday.

[belindarose]

He may well need to resign to give himself the chance to get better. I'm sure people are aware that teachers (in state schools) only have 3 resignation dates a year. It might be that he can see himself surviving in this job till Christmas (if he resigns tomorrow) but will almost certainly go under with the thought of staying till Easter. Only half a term to cope might well put him in a position to pick up something new for January.

A bit rash to do it today - maybe he's afraid and needs to get the resignation bit out of the way.

[fearandloathinginambridge]

It would be a really bad idea to get signed off sick with stress if he wants to go elsewhere

But it would be bloody foolish to slog on and drive yourself to the a major mental collapse because you were scared you would never get hired again.

I know it's only my personal experience, but I have been in this position AND managed to get two job offers in spite of having been signed off sick with depression. It's not the end of the world by any means.

[Orangeanddemons]

As a teacher, I'm also at breaking point. I was signed off sick with stress 4 years ago. I went back eventually. But I still feel shit every day I'm there.
Let him go

[ValancyJane]

If he is in a school that is covered by the Burgundy Book teachers conditions (most are, he will know what this means, if he is unsure his union rep will know if this applies in their school) the last day he could hand in his notice is 31st October, so he has some breathing room. Even if the school's on holiday at this time, posting a letter in for this date and sending an email to the head on this day will cover him. So make sure he knows he has more time than just today/tomorrow to make a decision...

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Decisions like this should be made as a family, but maybe that's just the way my family works... didn't think it was that unusual? in my house we make all decisions regarding work/life etc as a team. would you really just hand in your notice at work without discussing it properly with your DP/DH? seriously?

I agree that these things are usually discussed as a family, but the OP was asking if she should 'say no' to him quitting his job. That's not a discussion is it? That's forbidding him from doing it. That's what I found pretty bad about the OP and that's why my responses were harsh. I did apologise to the OP for that, because I knew there must be more to it (and there is), but no, I don't think one can 'say no' to one's DP quitting their job. That's U.

Should he hold off and maybe see GP or he'd teacher re being signed off with stress? Imo, yes, that's what I would do in his position.

[bessiebumptious2]

For goodness sake, tell him he can resign if he needs to. He's a grown man who can make his own decisions and whilst he needs to consider his financial commitments, you ought to be able to find a way to work something out together. That's what marriage is about - not telling someone they can't stop doing something that's making their life a downright misery.

Life is too short and sometimes, throwing all the balls in the air and seeing how they land is a good thing to do. What's the worst thing that can happen? You think he won't get another job at all? He probably won't if he's 'forced' to continue, no.

Support him and make it easier for him to make that decision and find something else quickly. Don't add to all his stress by making it worse.

[bessiebumptious2]

And I've been in exactly the same position with my DP. He resigned and started his own business in the same industry, with immediate success.

He's really, really happy now. I supported him and he felt great because I'd believed in him.

[shovetheholly]

I understand that you want to move and settle, but your DH's health is at stake here. Teaching is a brutally hard job, and I would take his declaration that he's at the end of his tether very, very seriously. It's much better to be happy in a slightly cramped house than abjectly miserable in a bigger one (or, God forbid, unwell and in a psychiatric institution). And it's not forever - a change of career won't take decades and you'll be able to move some day soon, and hopefully in much happier circumstances.

[Heatherplant]

YANBU. But to be fair I am a complete dragon. I'd tell him he stays in the job until he finds another. I work full shifts, including nights. I'm a mum to a toddler and I'm 5 months pregnant. My job is very stressful and at times it can be dangerous too BUT it pays my mortgage and provides financial stability for my family. If I can pull myself together, go out and do what I do and see what I have to see I'm sure he can cope with being a teacher until he finds another job. If he's depressed/suffering with anxiety he has a responsibility to himself and his family to go to the GP and get himself some help, walking out of a job is not the answer and will just make an even bigger problem, he may find the GP decides he is too unwell to work and he is signed off sick giving him some breathing space.

[elementofsurprise]

Did everyone else miss the bit where OP wrote: Putting the bigger house aside, we still have a mortgage to pay for. We don't have any savings at the moment as he has just bought a new car using up all our savings!

I wonder if the OP's attitude is influenced by her DH's attitide to responsibility. He definitely needs to see the GP if things are that bad... Sorry to sound harsh, I am utterly supportive of MH issues/work/life balance but there's a slight in my mind. [I am biased, my ex got signed off work for stress but buries his head in the sand, not trying to get treatment, no money management skills etc.]

As you were...

[cantucci01]

Remember, you can take 7 days off work without any sick note. He should develop a bad cold and take a few days to calmly step back and consider his options. Sometimes people just can't pull themselves together, this is the sort of thing you can do if you're generally robust and not depressed. Ultimately, being signed off and whatever possible career harm there could be is less career limiting than quitting for unexplained reasons.

[gamerchick]

I know how damaging to health stress is so he can't continue how he is. However the savings need to be replenished first so maybe he sells the car or has a goal to work towards before quitting? If he has a clear plan to follow then tackle his work so things aren't as bad.

You can't say an out and out no though as it'll be like a hoof in the guts for him and he'll feel unsupported with no way out.

It's a talk to face conversation not to be had over the phone.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

No, I saw it element, hence me saying in my last post that I knew there must be more to it than the OP. It still doesn't mean he should stay in his job. If the OP is a bit about her DH's attitude to responsibility that is probably something they need to work on. I don't think saying he has to stay in his job wil somehow sort that out.

[Scremersford]

Well its up to him of course, but equally its up to you how you cope with a husband who leaves work and leaves the whole family with difficulty in paying the current mortgage. Work is stressful but having your home repossessed because you cannot meet the mortgage payments or having to support the entire family on your own through your earnings is obviously going to cause more stress.

The sensible thing for him to do is to see his GP to see if he actually does have a stress-related illness, and to get signed off sick if that is necessary. And to be in a position to immediately move into supply teaching if he does leave.

I don't think that on mumsnet you get a particularly balanced set of opinions once someone mentions the possibility of anything with a whiff of possibility of MH issues. Its so right on towards labelling anyone with the slightest indicator as having a MH related disability that other concerns go out the window. But obviously as well as dealing with your husband's possible stress at work, you have to pay the mortgage, make sure the family has enough to live on and so on. It may be that your husband is so stressed that he cannot function so as to plan ahead, however it does seem strange that he has been totally unable to visit his GP about the issue or consider the effect he is having on his family. Does he have a history of not sticking at jobs, or is this out of character for him?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I'm not sure that replacing the stress of the job with the stress of not being able to pay the mortgage is going to help a lot. Get him to the GP and signed off so you both have time to make clear decisions without the pressure.
DH eventually left a job after being off sick for sometime for PTSD following an assault at work. Deep down we both knew he wasn't going back but the time to adjust was useful. However, one key difference is that we could live off my salary as I am the higher earner.

[NoSquirrels]

He doesn't sound like he's thinking clearly. This can be a sign of unmanageable stress. But equally, he cannot have got to this position overnight so to quit immediately is a very bad idea.

If you recently bought a new car, using up savings, and have been discussing moving to a larger house, then it doesn't sound as if the work situation has been intolerable for a long time. Either you haven't been listening to him seriously, he hasn't been talking about it honestly (and spending to try to alleviate issues) or a combination of both.

You need to find out exactly what the stresses are for him - management structure, planning, what is it exactly that is making the current post unmanageable? He needs to know this in order to come up with a plan to either a) make it better or b) choose a better post next time/know what to look out for to avoid in the future if possible.

Knee-jerk reactions about quitting now instead of waiting are not a good idea. It is half-term soon, so you can discuss it calmly then with a bit of space from the day to day pressure. Promise him that if it really does get intolerable he can go and get signed off with stress, and then still quit at Christmas if nothing has changed. He could stay signed off if necessary until Easter.

Has he done any research about supply teaching?

Can you rework your business hours and working pattern (agree with a PP that it doesn't sound quite right that you are doing 12 hour days plus childcare - what work can you realistically get done?)

Could you earn more/make more if he was doing more childcare and a bit of supply?

I know it totally utterly SUCKS when your partner seems to be causing the future to be uncertain. I went through it with my DH and I was pretty cross instead of a sympathetic DW to him. I blamed him for being stressed and anxious and meaning all our best-laid plans were now up in the air. I wished he would suck it up and get on with it.
But he couldn't, I knew that really, and I wasn't really cross with him, I was sad and stressed for myself and how much harder things were going to be. I tried to keep it to myself as far as possible and be supportive of what he needed to get back on track.
We are out the other side now, and life is better (although still day-to-day stressful, of course!).

for you, I sympathise. But now you've got to sympathise with your DH and really listen to him.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

And what cantucci said about 'pulling yourself together' when you are stressed to breaking point.

[bessiebumptious2]

But don't forget that he's not 'just walking out of a job' though is he? He's resigning with c.3 months in which to find another job!

It's surprising what people can do when you put a little faith in them. But only OP knows whether that's something right for them. He may be so damned grateful for her support that it builds his confidence to do even better. And that big house might be more easily attainable as a result.

[ohtheholidays]

OP,I'm not surprised your so worried and you know your allowed to be pissed off as well.It sounds like you did an amazing job keeping your family afloat and if I was in your position I'd feel exactly like you do!

I think like you said him having some time off work(could he go to his GP and get signed of for a while)and also speaking to the head about his work load could be the best soloution right now for all of you.That way he gets some time to rest and figure out what he wants to do and you don't end up having to take on all of the financial burden all on your own again

[miaowroar]

I have skimmed through all the answers really quickly so apologies if someone has already said this. AFAIK the deadline for leaving at Christmas is 31 October - perhaps if he could go in during the half term break or email his resignation, he wouldn't have to decide tomorrow. He could check this with his union.

If he is on the TES online forums, he could go onto the one called workplace dilemmas and get some good advice there.

He could also contact the Teacher Support Network. They have a 24-hour help line: www.teachersupport.info/

I am very sympathetic with his plight - although not trying to diminish your role in any way. I have lost count of the stressed-out, burnt-out teachers I have known, in a profession where you are never quite in control and where, whatever you do, it is never considered quite enough. Just glad to be (mostly) out of it for now.

At least he has phoned you - my XH just resigned (not a teaching role, so a month's notice) and told me when he got home. We also had 2 children and a huge mortgage. (sigh)

[puddymuddles]

YABVVVVVVVU

The workload in teaching is awful which is why so many teachers are unhappy and the profession has a recruitment problem.

His mental health is more important than your financial concerns.

[JonSnowKnowsNowt]

He deserves more support than having to just resign. It sounds as if he may be very stressed and possibly depressed. In which case, he should be able to have a period off work (signed off) to deal with this, and a staged return to work in a way he can manage. Resigning is a gut reaction (the need to get away from the stress) but leaves the person financially insecure and with a much harder path to recovery and work.