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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is rude for guests to dictate what we will eat for Christmas

243 replies

shebird · 19/10/2015 16:40

I just had an email from someone who will be coming to us for Christams asking what I was planning on cooking for Christmas lunch. Then going on to suggest several options of things she would like to have.

This is not for dietary reasons but just purely so that they can have exactly what they would like on the day. This person as never cooked Christmas lunch before and has no idea of the cost and the work involved.

Aibu to give her the number of some local restaurants that are open Christmas Day if she wants to dictate what she would like for lunch?

OP posts:
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 19/10/2015 18:49

I would reply with something along the lines of 'blimey I've not really not given it much thought yet as it's only 3Rd week in October so calm down but the salmon sounds great - could you order some for delivery here nearer the time, I'm expecting [however many and they're not being at all demanding - yet Hmm] not sure how much we'd all get through but probably quite a bit, and by all means bring anything else you specifically want. I'll probably be serving x y z same as last year/ serving a b c as a change from last year.'

If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come again does she? Grin

limitedperiodonly · 19/10/2015 18:52

My MIL loves to do beef Wellington. Her entertaining heyday would have been early 70s. Perhaps the aunt is the same vintage.

MIL's beef Wellington is very nice. But it's a bit like something Margot Leadbetter's marvellous-little-woman-who-does would have knocked up.

I'd been invited to someone's for Christmas eve dinner and I took this as a present.

It had been given to me by a client so I thought I'd offload it because I didn't like smoked salmon - too greasy - and had no idea how much this one cost.

At least they opened it. It's fantastic. Ask auntie if she's ever tried it.

Doobigetta · 19/10/2015 18:53

When I'm hosting, I hate it when guests ask if they can bring anything. I know they're trying to be polite and helpful and save me trouble, but the reason I've invited them is that I want to put myself out. Offering to bring something, to me, carries the implication that the guest thinks I'm too lazy or incompetent to pull it off.

I wouldn't mind if someone said "please can we have Yorkshire puddings with Christmas dinner because they're my favourite?"- I'd think it was quite sweet. I'd judge them for the faux pas of yorkies with anything other than beef, obviously (and yes, I'm from Yorkshire) but I wouldn't think they were rude for asking.

Lynnm63 · 19/10/2015 18:55

I'd email back saying thanks for your suggestions however we are going to be serving xyz, looking forward to seeing you. I would refuse to get drawn into what she wants. I personally cannot stand sprouts if sprouts were the only veg available Id go without but I wouldn't expect anything special likewise I can't stand xmas pud. Id mention I didn't like it but wouldn't expect anything else. We always have my dad over who doesn't eat turkey and loves xmas pud. I do beef as well as Turkey and buy him an individual xmas pud but he is my dad not a distant relative.

Wolpertinger · 19/10/2015 18:56

Notgrumpy's suggestion is great. If she's not used to catering to more than one she will prob faint at the cost of smoked salmon for a crowd. It will come either come as a cold hard shock and she won't make bonkers suggestions again or if she's fine with it you'll all get to eat lots of expensive smoked salmon at her expense for years to come.

reni2 · 19/10/2015 18:56

But Doobi, this guest is ordering salmon from a particular supplier and her favourite meal incl giving a recipe so not quite what you are describing.

Mermaid36 · 19/10/2015 19:06

BTW - Yorkshire Puddings should obviously be served with onion gravy as a starter to your roast....absolutely not with the roast...

HSMMaCM · 19/10/2015 19:10

I sort of did this to my sister. She was hosting Christmas and I'm a veggie. I knew this was awkward, so offered to take a veggie main bit, to go with all the veggies, potatoes, etc. She said, "Oh, it's OK, I'll get you a quiche". I do like quiche, but not necessarily as the centre of my Christmas dinner. I would not have said anything if I'd turned up on the day and been offered quiche. However, I said, "I'll bring something to go with it, in case lots of people want quiche". She never noticed that I only had the tiniest slice and everyone else ate the rest Grin.

I really want to know what your guest has asked for.

HSMMaCM · 19/10/2015 19:13

How did I miss page 2!

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 19/10/2015 19:13

It's your house.
You are cooking.
She is a GUEST.
Get what you're given or fuck off.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/10/2015 19:21

Yes that's outrageously rude! Smoked salmon, beef, family pud sounds lovely if she's cooking it for you but very rude to expect you to provide it. Perhaps she could make pudding, it can go by plane if well wrapped. Wink

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 19/10/2015 19:21

Just replying to the op. It's not U but only if you've asked them. I've told guests I will cook whatever they like (within reason). Not one of them has ever sent me a list of requirements and demanded anything. If you're kind enough to invite someone to spend one of the few days of the year that is for family time and (supposed) relaxation they can eat whatever you deem acceptable. In fact send her a list of acceptable wine, puddings, snacks she can bring along and say "oh me and dh/dp had mega lolz over your list! Imagine messaging someone with an acceptable menu... You card you." :o

CalmYoBadSelf · 19/10/2015 19:23

I would just reply saying thank you for the suggestions but you have some other ideas in mind however, if she is not happy to eat what the rest of you will have, she is welcome to order her salmon and stuff online and you will happily serve it for her

PHANTOMnamechanger · 19/10/2015 19:24

I think it is beyond rude to actually try to dictate what is on the menu when someone has invited you.

However, saying something like 'the DC don't like chrsitmas pud so if it's ok with you I'll bring a chocolate roulade' is perfectly OK, as it warns the host not to over cater and have food wasted, and saves them the embarrassment of not having an alternative pudding available on the day. It also does not expect more work or expense of them, which is the key thing IMHO. When someone invites you they are going to effort and expense. If you want to be in charge of whats eaten then YOU host and prep and cook and pay for it all!

Doobigetta · 19/10/2015 19:27

Thread moved on while I was posting. Auntie Bag is bloody rude, ignore her.

mellicauli · 19/10/2015 19:29

This thread has got a major touch of the candlelight suppers going on. If you judge someone for having yorkies with turkey, where are you going to go when someone puts ketchup on their macaroni cheese? You've left yourself with nowhere left to go, ladies. Keep it in proportion!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 19/10/2015 19:32

The other end of the table, personally, mellicauli!

What's a major touch of the candlelight suppers, btw?

kissmethere · 19/10/2015 19:32

Sorry you took so long to tell us I havent read the whole thread(impatient tonight)
I would not be accommodating her requests purely as that's rude and not a dietary requirement.

ClashCityRocker · 19/10/2015 19:33

I judge people who don't have Yorkies with turkey! Grin

Stillunexpected · 19/10/2015 19:38

People put ketchup on macaroni cheese - seriously?!

Senpai · 19/10/2015 19:38

This depends. My family does make requests for meals at our house. The stipulation is they bring the supplies and we'll happily fry it up. We're happy to cook, and they're happy to bring what they want. It usually works out well. Or we have them bring a side dish.

Tell them what the main is and to bring their favorite side dish to cook. This will either: Make them realize they don't want to do the work and butt out, or make them feel more included by contributing to the dinner.

Senpai · 19/10/2015 19:40

Oh... and if she can't physically bring it, she can contribute some money to buy the supplies.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 19/10/2015 19:41

I can't believe how many people think its ok for an adult to insist on having things "because that's what they always have" when at someone else's for Xmas!

As an adult ive had christmas with my dad, my mum, various friends and on my own. I go with the flow and if I'm not on my own I enjoy being fed a lovely dinner! I LOVE Christmas, and the whole idea of having traditions. But if someone is kind enough to invite me to share their Christmas dinner I will be polite and eat what I'm given. I actually like seeing how other people do christmas!

OP YANBU, and I would suggest uninviting this guest immediately. Or at least tell them you're having chicken vindaloo and banning chocolate.

My step mum and her kids had to have cheese on toast one christmas! Cooked on the fire because of a power cut! It was memorable for them anyway!

And to PP who said "eat what you're given or have a lump of cheese".... Can I have a lump of cheese AND eat what I'm given?

Mintyy · 19/10/2015 19:45

I'm going to read the whole thread in a moment, but does this person actually want to come to op for Christmas, or is it a sort of duty visit?

I know that I would be unhappy with a Christmas lunch that isn't actually a Christmas lunch or even one that isn't cooked very well on December 25th because it comes but once a year. And we've seen plenty of threads on here about Christmas hosts who cook everything a month in advance, plate it up, freeze it and microwave it and serve it with a bit of Bisto Best on the day. And expect you to be grateful!

Mintyy · 19/10/2015 19:46

I judge people who say yorkies, roasties and veggies Grin