daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

[Dieu]

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

I agree, Archer, really weird responses.

The shower thing is very unlikely.

I don't think activities with boys will make any difference at all it sounds like a fear of the unknown, general anxiety and dare I say it, slight immaturity on the part of your dd (which small private girls schools tend to nurture ime )

The trip will do her the world of good by the sound of it.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested. Ask the school if an older girl, who has already been on this trip, could have a chat with your daughter. This might produce the sort of reassurance that you can't.

Also, FWIW, I think you sound like a lovely parent.

Dieu - what a shame your daughter feels so frightened. But it's great that she's got a mum who is taking her worries seriously and finding a way to help her deal with them. Her private/ single sex schooling may or may NOT have anything to do with her feelings about boys. It has been said before - but bitchiness, bullying, inappropriate comments etc happen at ALL schools.

I recently came across a flier for a wonderful Mindfulness for Young People group - primarily to help kids from 13-18 deal with exam and school stress. But it seems that the groups also fostered confidence in the young people and some really kind and supportive friendship groups were established. Perhaps if you could look for something like that locally it might help her to socialise with boys, but in a more supportive and controlled environment. If there is nothing like this locally you might consider a mixed Duke of Edinburgh Award group, or even Scouts?? These all have a task focussed, team working element. Just a thought.

Hope it works out for her on the trip. She sounds lovely. And red hair is the best!!

It seems like the two single sex schools might arrange this joint trip because oft eh type of feelings that your daughter is holding towards the opposite sex. I am sure the supervision given by teachers is professional and to the highest standard.

My daughter had to go on a residential trip in Year 8 (mixed school but boy heavy) and their days are so scheduled that there's barely much other time to hang out and misbehave. I expect your DD will hang around with her friends or find like-minded people to spend her time with if she is not interested in spending time with the boys.

Given your DD's level of anxiety, of course it is sensible to air her concerns to her school. They will be in the best place to set her mind at ease and I am sure she is not the first to dread the trip, either because of the mixed-sex element or because of the activities they have to do. My DD and her friends had the best time ever on their residential but I would probably need a bit more reassurance had she undertaken the trip a few years older with regards to supervision and expected behaviour. I expect your DD's school will hold a meeting and reassure parents anyway.

All the people saying that it's the DD's fault for being frightened of boys, and this is what you get when you send them to single-sex schools etc, are spectacularly missing the point.

I went to a mixed comp and, yes the boys often made unpleasant sexual remarks about the girls. They passed around pornography in class. They sometimes physically harassed the girls.

My DD spent a year at a mixed comp and had much the same kind of experience. It's pretty much a normal part of life for many girls at school, as this piece of research shows:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2014/dec/02/sexual-harassment-party-daily-life-british-girls-girlguiding-uk

I would be alarmed if the business about the showers is true, and I would certainly check that with the school. If it is true, then the school needs reporting to whichever body inspects it. I would seek some reassurance from the school about whether the girls will be protected from harassment by the boys, and if not, then I would just refuse to send her. They can't make her go.

I think you have bigger problems than this trip. She has developed an irrational fear of boys from being placed in a single sex school.

How do you plan to deal with it in general, what happens when she gets a part time job, goes to uni, starts her career etc?

She has developed an irrational fear of boys from being placed in a single sex school.

How ridiculous! I went to a single sex school. I wasn't a bit afraid of boys!

Teens aren't carbon copies of each other. Some kids will be more comfortable than others.

The most worrying thing about this thread is posters, presumably mostly female posters at that, are so nonchalant about the daily sexual harassment young girls have to endure from boys.

That's part of being a teenager but not wanting to spend a week with the same boys who do the harassing means she needs counselling??

Oh yes, it's her fault. And how will she manage in the real world? Hmmm? Where men will be men and women just have to suck it up. Apparently.

"And as far as body shaming/ insults go, teen girls and women do far, far, more of that than other males. And even when lads do insult girls, ime it's never done to the hurtful and specific degree females do it."

Words fail me. No they don't.

Some of the attitudes on this thread are fucking outrageous. About girls and boys. No, girls should not have to learn to deal with/brush of/ignore/whatever minimising mysogynist term you choose, sexual harassment. The school should step in and stop it. There should be a zero tolerance policy. And victim blaming is absolutely unacceptable.

"I am sure the supervision given by teachers is professional and to the highest standard."

What makes you so sure of that?

She hasn't developed an irrational fear of boys! It's called being 14 and a bit shy around boys. Some girls are.

I bet if the OPs child was a boy who was worried about this no one would suggest he was irrationally scared of girls, rather he was just a nervous shy 14 year old boy.

And OP as previous poster suggested I think you're a lovely mum too. Clearly worried about your DD but at the same time, chin up and let's sort it.

There is nothing irrational about fearing teenage boys. They can be (CAN BE) really fucking nasty.

Wow, I seem to have woken with an extra layer of rhino skin, which is just as well I think!
To the many posters who have given me helpful and insightful comments, I cannot thank you enough.
I have NEVER been a flouncy type on AIBU. Comments, even ones that are hard to take, have always been accepted with good grace.
However I will never again use AIBU as an outlet to write about my children. A minority of you really do make it a bit of a fucking viper's nest.
I will keep this thread up for as long as it takes to get back to you on the shower situation, as you are understandably keen to have this clarified, as am I. Then I shall ask for this thread to be removed, as I have no wish to be identified.
For what it's worth, my child will NOT be attending this trip in the unlikely event that the shower story is true.
Again, thank you so much for the (vast majority of) replies.

But the boys haven't done anything!

This young woman does not know any of them!

Why are we assuming they will be a bunch of sexist pigs who will harass the girls ?

Don't worry about it Dieu, loads of nuttters out there...

Because they have.

Dd has seen it on social media, thus she is anxious.

Not because she's odd or damaged but because some of these boys are nasty little shits. No doubt they have parents like some of the posters on here.

'Boys will be boys' and girls have to just put up and shut up. No fucking way.

For all the people who are forseeing doom when the DD goes to uni, work etc. There's quite a lot of difference between 14 year olds, 18 year olds and 22 year olds both male and female.

Given her comments about the sixth form I don't think this is a long term problem.

I'd have been horrified as a 14 year old if I'd been told about the showers etc. And frankly some 14 year olds both boys and girls are mean and horrible to others; especially when they are trying to show off. Why is it strange to be worried about this.

SheGot

1. You have clearly never met a group of 14 yr old boys from a single sex school (or often any other school)

1. Her fear is based on what she has heard

1. Her fear and the potential shower system is the issue.

Surely you could at least check it out, OP?

As regards boys and girls - my daughter was home from university at the weekend and a bunch of 14 year old boys as we were walking along shouted 'You're a bit fucking hot, aren't you?' and then barged into her in an aggressive way to indicate their approval.

She said 'yeah, it's funny, you don't get that as much in (university town), maybe everyone's just busy going where they're going' 'What, that?' I asked: 'Yeah, you know, shouting and cars beeping and stuff'.

I had no idea this was something so regular that a difference would be noticeable between areas of the country!

So yeah: boys do do this, sorry. Whatever kind of school you've been to.

Oh and in case that sounds class-based - this, too, is a university town, just not the one she's gone to.

It's tough Dieu. In order to get some decent support or advice you have to wade through piles of nonsense. Best of luck.

there is something very very fucked up in the culture of this school, and the other school. really, and it needs addressing

yet again, AGAIN, we have a scenario where this disgusting behaviour is deemed acceptable for kids. No one would allow this at work!

and your comment : some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful

These are privately educated boys FFS! I kind of through that you spend the money and you get a better degree of education.

I don't know OP, I would be dissecting her fears and having a word with a sympathetic teacher to untangle this

and I would not blame you for holding off until; fears are alleviated, seriously it cant be that 99% of the kids are bitchy/rapists in the making?

Yuk, I feel for her

Of course girls should not have to put up with sexual harassment. But neither should anyone be terrified of boys. The OP's dd sounds generally a bit anxious, and that's always a bit concerning because it can really close doors if you don't dare to do things that might be a bit outside of your comfort zone.

Of course if there is real reason to believe that the trip might involve any sort of harassment then I think the OP should speak to the school and ask for assurances as to how they will head off any opportunities for abuse and what sanctions they have in place.

However it sounds as if the concerns are about a couple of boys and the comments they have made to a few of the girls on social media (not directed at the dd). It seems likely that there might well be a few girls making unkind comments about boys too. Again perhaps this is something the OP can bring up with the school but it doesn't seem sufficient for the level of anxiety expressed. Perhaps there are some underlying issues for the dd simply in being away from home for that long or with being away with the girls she knows as much as for the boys she doesn't.

Good to see Hully and a handful of other posters talking sense.

My DD is 16. When she's out and about, she gets harassed. She gets teenage boys shouting out "compliments" at her on the bus. There is a boy in her school who pursues her constantly. She recently met up with a friend in central London and in her 10 minute wait in Oxford Street she was approached five (yes, FIVE) times by men. This is what it's like being a teenage girl. How dare anyone here say this is what it's like and girls should just get used to it? I want my DD to live in a world where this is not considered normal and where you don't just have to suck up the crap, and I think the OP wants the same for her DD too.