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AIBU?

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Original poster

daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

311 replies

Dieu · 14/10/2015 23:28

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 15/10/2015 07:49

The trouble with single sex Ed is they don't make friends with the opposite sec but are afraid/in awe/ scared of each other. There is masses of evidence that single sex ed for girls can help with social confidence. And commenting derogatorily on girls bodies and generally being nasty about them is not being afraid/in awe/scared of them. It is misogyny.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/10/2015 07:51

Your DD doesn't sound that unusual from my experience op, but then I grew up in the Middle East and boys were basically considered to be dangerously unpredictable sex-crazed beasts. Even now (aged 33 and resident in the UK for 15 years) I still view males as slightly 'other' and feel a bit daring when I talk with them 1:1. I'm aware that this is not ideal. Thankfully I have two DSs so hopefully they will normalise me a bit.

Your DD sounds physically like me at that age - I reached my adult height aged 12 and was not the lightest (also ginger!). I was aware of being unusual and spent my life on auto-cringe, waiting for the comments. My ideal world would have been to be invisible and I certainly couldn't have spoken up for myself because it didn't even occur to me that I was worth defending. However, I differed from your DD in that I had a very critical mother, while you sound supportive and lovely. With the positive reinforcement from you, she'll get through.

Sorry, no advice there but a loy of empathy and goodwill to your DD (from another first child)!! Flowers

Waltermittythesequel · 15/10/2015 07:56

Instead of picking at the OP's dd for worrying about possible harassment, I'm going to suggest asking the schools to educate their students and develop a zero tolerance policy for sexual harassment.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2015 08:06

What the actual fuck. 14 year olds being forced to have communal showers with members of the opposite sex? That is hugely inappropriate, even if they are wearing swimming costumes. Nor should there ever be an occasion where overnight trips away from home should be compulsory for schoolchildren.

You'd be well within your rights to keep her home that week and let the head know why.

madmotherof2 · 15/10/2015 08:07

Exactly Bert

Lemonfizzypop · 15/10/2015 08:11

I don't have much in the way of advice but I do think people are going a bit OTT over the op's dad's fear of boys, I went to a mixed school and many of the boys were horrible at that age, bullying kind of horrible, to the extent that I would really like to send any of my daughters to a single sex school, so o don't really feel like her fears are irrational!
Also no one took our complaints about them seriously back then although things might have changed now.

HellKitty · 15/10/2015 08:14

I think your daughter has got into a habit (like the swimming lessons at 6) of thinking of the worst case scenario and everything else is a bonus. I do the same, unfortunately! It's like a protective mechanism. With this case I think the older girls have also exaggerated a lot, probably had the same done to them like a tradition.

My DCs were convinced - and had been told - about the piranha lake on their school trip that they had to cross. You don't get many piranhas in the Lake District.

The teacher you emailed, can you get him/her to have a one to one with your daughter about her fears. That way this teacher can watch out or be aware of any problems that aren't exaggerations or at least reassure your DD.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2015 08:15

She's not frightened of boys- she just doesn't want to be sexually harassed by them!

whois · 15/10/2015 08:16

Is that true then about the showers? What the fuck. What if they are on their period or something?

I'd be raising hell of schol expected -4 year olds to wash communally for an entire week. Once after swimming for a quick rinse, fine. All week? You have got to be fucking joking.

whois · 15/10/2015 08:16

14 not 4

Fratelli · 15/10/2015 08:23

I would be seriously worried about how anxious she is at even the thought of being around boys. I think it might require counselling as it sounds as if something may have happened. Then I think a mixed sex school would be best. She is going to have to work with males in the real world.

Roussette · 15/10/2015 08:25

I wonder what you are saying when she talks about the boys with you? I dont think you should brush it off but I also dont think you should agree with her that boys are somehow so different they are to be feared. It's not right that the boys make comments etc, but the reason the your DD can't deal with it, is because she doesn't have dealings with boys and hasn't learnt to brush it off. She can deal with girls, she can't deal with boys and already she is thinking of them as an alien species.

I don't actually agree with single sex schools for this very reasons. I went to one, when I escaped I was obsessed by boys in the wrong way because I had had nothing to do with them for so many years. I have DDs and at the age of your DD they had as many friends that were boys as girls. The gender of their friends was somewhat irrelevant.

The shower thing is not on I agree, is it youth hostelling? The positive comments from the teacher that even the shy ones come back having loved the trip might well be true.

Anotherusername1 · 15/10/2015 08:27

How can a residential trip be compulsory? Does the school pay for it?

Is this a private school - was it made clear when you joined the school that this was a compulsory extra?

But if the boys your DD comes into contact with are really so nasty, something needs to be done (I'm looking at your comment in the OP that she doesn't want to eat in front of the boys in case they say something nasty). ??? What sort of boys are these?

As for the showers I don't believe they have mixed showers for one second. But there's clearly an issue with the boys being nasty (and quite possibly with the girls being bitchy to the boys too, who knows)?

Lurkedforever1 · 15/10/2015 08:28

I really think you need to find some mixed sex extra curricular stuff for your dd. Or even activities with more boys than girls, because she really shouldn't fear male peers to that extent. And not just activities attracting quiet/ calm boys either.
Taking dd out of it because she's only just started at single sex and has always had male friends, I still don't think it's a normal result of single sex schools.

You need to clear up the shower thing. And as far as body shaming/ insults go, teen girls and women do far, far, more of that than other males. And even when lads do insult girls, ime it's never done to the hurtful and specific degree females do it.

Wolpertinger · 15/10/2015 08:32

A lot of this sounds like the sort of rumours 14 year old girls tell each other to wind each other up. It will be 5% truth and 95% bullshit. Possibly not even 5% truth.

Equally when she gets there the girls won't be doormats either. I went to a single sex private school - at every event we had with the local boys school a group of boys would indeed try it on - and we would tell them to fuck off after which peace and harmony would be restored and a pleasant time would be had by all.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 15/10/2015 08:36

I think you need to find a way to improve her self esteem and confidence so that she can handle any situation that makes her uncomfortable. But I think it's clear that your DD has some tendency toward anxiety. She shouldn't be worrying this much about something that hasn't happened yet.

The shower thing cannot be true.

Asimovbuff · 15/10/2015 08:41

My dds are at a private girls school that also goes on trips with the boys school.

The shower thing is not how it will be I can almost guarantee!

Have you spoken to the school about your concerns you will almost certainly not be the only one.

I have to say both my dds would be almost gagging with excitement to spend a week with boys Hmm

Asimovbuff · 15/10/2015 08:43

It is important that she realises that how people appear to be on social media is not usually how they are in real life. Some of the boys will almost certainly be anxious about the trip too Smile

CadleCrap · 15/10/2015 08:46

I went to a school that did this ( wonders if R Dykes means anything to the OP)

The boys were kept very separate for sleeping, showering etc. to be fair, the boys were just as scared of us that we were of them!

I am guessing the shower business is a wind up.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 15/10/2015 08:49

I really can't believe the mixed shower thing! Can't be true!

That aside OP, it seems that your DD has formed her opinion of 'boys' based on social media.
Maybe point out to her that SM is not indicative of real life and that there are usually a few loud voices. The majority/normal folk stay clear of such nonsense. Boys in particular.

I'm a huge fan of single sex education and sent both mine to single sex schools from y7-11. But, you have to make sure the DC are mixing outside school with the opposite sex.

BestZebbie · 15/10/2015 08:50

Is there any opportunity for your DD to join Scouts, perhaps with a female friend so that she already knows someone? That would be a perfect opportunity to meet boys for short periods in a supervised environment with lots of distracting activities for all of them.

HPsauciness · 15/10/2015 08:54

Even in mixed sex schools, some girls or boys are more confident around the opposite sex than others. I was a shyer girl, although I had quite a few boy friends, and wouldn't have felt confident at all in this situation. Walking across the school field in your knicker shorts was some type of ordeal.

Children can even differ in the same family, I know one family where the eldest daughter is still even in later life very shy and doesn't appear to have a boyfriend, the second child was an extremely good-looking outgoing boy with tonnes of girlfriends and the third child was a lovely girl who settled down quite early. All went to the same co-ed comp.

I still prefer mixed sex schools, seems easier to just hang out with boys and girls from the start, but it's very naive to think that there is no teasing/bullying around appearance/sexuality because everyone is mixed in together, as some posters seem to be applying. Sexual harassment and derogatory remarks about girls and women is endemic in our culture, as you will find out if you go for a jog by the side of a busy road. She's not entirely wrong to fear being judged and feel self-conscious although I agree the best thing to do is to tackle it and widen her social circle as well.

Hullygully · 15/10/2015 08:57

It sounds more to me that your dd is afraid of how the boys will behave rather than "the boys" per se.

In the real world, groups of single sex boys meeting up with groups of single sex girls do indeed often behave appallingly.

If she does lack confidence physically I'm not surprised she is terrified of what may happen. Because guess what? It does. It shouldn't of course, but it does.

That said, even if she doesn't go on the trip (and I am not in favour of making people do stuff if they are terrified, I'd rather build their confidence in other ways until they are happy and choose to go), it would undoubtedly be of benefit to her if she could do some co-ed activities to build her confidence round boys (some of whom are actually nice).

Asimovbuff · 15/10/2015 08:59

Hopefully she has a couple of like minded friends who she can stay with.

Archer26 · 15/10/2015 09:01

I'm amazed at some of the comments on here. The OP wanted suggestions on helping her DD cope with this and instead a lot of posters are picking at her mothering and the daughters view of boys.

I was fairly comfortable around boys at school and even now prefer male company HOWEVER at 14 I would be mortified at a boy seeing me shower, in a swimsuit or in my pyjamas if it was a residential trip. It's called being 14! I think the OP has done the right thing in emailing the teacher to clarify however I know full well I also would be dreading this trip if this rumour was being thrown around. I am also a sreadinn things before they happen type.

Some girls are naturally more wary of boys and some boys are naturally more wary of girls- it works both ways. I hardly think the OP has poisoned her DD against boys as some posters seemed to suggest.

OP I thought the poster above who suggested scouts or maybe other groups with boys in to try. Has she any hobbies that she could join a club? This might help her confidence with not just boys but other generally