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Original poster

daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

311 replies

Dieu · 14/10/2015 23:28

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

OP posts:
ThatsDissapointing · 15/10/2015 00:31

I don't believe that you would get shared showers. Hmm

BackforGood · 15/10/2015 00:32

This is the bit I don't understand (as there's no point in repeating what everyone else has said about the showers)

She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long

Why is she terrified of boys ? Confused

I have 2 dds who attend a girls' school (state, not private, but I can't see why that would make a difference) but they only spend 190 days x 6-7hrs of the year at school, that leaves an awful lot of time when they are doing other things at which point they spend time with boys - as they always have done - and don't, in any way, see them as a different species.

Theladyinthebath · 15/10/2015 00:34

I've never heard of shared showers nor compulsory trips

balletgirlmum · 15/10/2015 00:35

Compulsory trips are common at private schools.

But I'm sure the showers thing is a misunderstanding.

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 00:35

I'd also like to add that her two younger sisters have a very healthy attitude towards boys, and are very comfortable indeed around them. I am really not sure how I have managed to raise them so differently Confused. Eldest has moved schools more often than her sisters, through moving house, so hasn't had any 'rooted' friendships with boys. Plus she's naturally more shy and less confident. Younger two also have same aged male cousins, which helps, but eldest was the first child in the family by quite a stretch.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 15/10/2015 00:43

" She does have a few friends who are boys, but they're the non threatening types who tend to hang around with the girls through choice."

Good grief woman, non-threatening types? Forget about your DD, you need to sort your own perceptions before trying to help your DD.

What is a threatening boy? One that acts like the average teenager? Or do you have teenagers beating and stabbing each other around you? Hmm

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/10/2015 00:46

Oh dear. You do have to do something about fearing boys. They are half the population after all. They are also not all the same so you do need to proactively tackle some of the more extreme statements. Perhaps by joining an activity where she meets more boys but in a safer environment??

The shower business will probably turn out to be rumour and nothing more but your email seems a sensible idea.

I went to an awful all girls school. No boy I have ever met has managed to achieve the level of bitching a minority of girls there achieved. Boys don't mock girls body shapes more than other girls do. It was quite a relief to go to sixth form college and find normal people of whom half happened to be male.

ihavenonameonhere · 15/10/2015 00:46

Don't you think their will be a mix of boys on the trip as well?

She needs to mix more with boys ASAP.

And j doubt the shower thing is true.

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 00:50

Tiger, I meant non threatening in the psychological sense, as in she doesn't feel nervous around them. Granted, it was probably the wrong choice of word.

OP posts:
crystalgall · 15/10/2015 00:51

The shower thing is most definitely bollocks. AS IF a school would allow boys and girls to share showers with their cossies on. Bizarre. Obv some kids trying to scare her.

I also don't understand why she is terrified of boys. What's a threatening and non threatening boy? I have a DS and would hate to think girls would be scared of him just because he's a boy and hangs out with other boys instead of girls.

crystalgall · 15/10/2015 00:52

But why is she nervous around any boys more than the girls? It makes it sound as if she fears them without reason. Boys are not scary creatures. Has she been hurt by one?

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 00:56

I don't know, crystalgall. She has never really had many boys as friends. Not hurt exactly, no, but maybe not enough positive experiences with them. I ought to have exposed her more to this over the years, I know.

OP posts:
crystalgall · 15/10/2015 01:03

Well this could be a good way of getting that positive experience and hopefully she makes some friends.

I am sure some of the boys can be mean and nasty just like girls can but she will be fine in sure.

You need to get as much information as you can especially about the shower nonsense and also how discipline will be enforced if any kids are bullying or crossing the line with comments.

Hope it goes well for her

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 01:04

many thanks, and me too

OP posts:
fatowl · 15/10/2015 01:07

I'm a governor in charge of Safeguarding. I also run large scale residential trips
If the shower story is true (which I very much doubt), it needs reporting and sorting out before the trip.

Boys sexually harrassing girls is not on either and would be stopped at any of my events.
There should be meetings and sessions in the run up to the camp, a session on what is appropriate and what is not would be good ( for both the girls and the boys)

If it is properly run, your dd could get a lot out of a camp like this, but you are NU to make sure proper safeguarding is in place.

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 01:12

The other thing about her is that she has always feared things before they've happened, right from when she was little. So on hearing the news that we were taking her to swimming lessons, aged 6 or whatever, it was met with tears and snot. Then she had the lessons and was fine. It's the fear of the unknown with her, always has been. If I can help her with the build up, I'm confident that this trip could be a positive and worthwhile experience for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 01:13

Thank you fatowl

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 15/10/2015 01:24

Another one who doesn't get the compulsory trip thing. What do they do, turn up at your house if you don't show and march you off like the Gestapo? Would they ask her to leave the school? If, for instance, a doctor's note was provided saying she was not fit to go (which could be for stress related reasons, of course) what could they actually do?

I'd be quite concerned about the potential for bullying and harassment by and from all parties here. I'd want to know, as fatowl says, how this is discussed before the trip with pupils and what ground rules are yet. If I was told no trouble is ever experienced, that's when I would get twitchy.

portlyinpurple · 15/10/2015 02:15

OP - both you and your daughter sound lovely...we can't all be bolshie types ready to kick arse at the drop of a hat...especially when boys are, through school and family circumstances, a bit of an alien concept.
Her reaction probably has to do with her nature and possibly her position in the family. Something to do with the stress that often afflicts the first child making them more anxious and uptight. What you said about swimming holds true for other activities - the first-born is the first to navigate them - younger siblings can gain confidence from the knowledge that their big sister survived and they will too. (No prizes for guessing I'm a PFB!)
It's a while till the trip and as Fatowl suggested there will be getting to know you sessions in advance which might go some way towards making her a little less apprehensive. Best of luck - you are not BU at all!

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 02:19

Thank you so much for the supportive reply, Portly. And what you say about firstborns is spot on, in my experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 02:24

I should add that there are some very popular boys at the school who DO get by, at least for now, on their good looks and nasty sense of 'humour'. Every school has them, in male and female form, even back in our school days. It's these boys she's intimidated by, and not so much boys in general. She commented the other day that she can't wait to get to 6th form (mixed sex) as the boys there seem so nice! So it's possibly a maturity thing too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 02:32

And I blame social media to some extent too. She has shown me pics of the some of the girls in her year, and several of the outfits are a bit inappropriate and revealing. Boys comment online, behind their computer screen, and then think that they can do it in RL too.
My daughter is under confident, but at least she's not doing this, in order to gain validation and approval from the opposite sex. Thank God.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 15/10/2015 03:51

She has shown me pics of the some of the girls in her year, and several of the outfits are a bit inappropriate and revealing

Here we go...

SeaRabbit · 15/10/2015 05:29

Some boys have the same fear of going on residential trips - my DS did at that age - geeky, not interested in music or fashion, couldn't see the point, probably a bit scared by the apparently more sophisticated ones. He also found the attitudes of some of the boys towards girls very difficult to deal with. He did go on the trips despite protests though, and did enjoy them, making friends with like- minded souls... Now he's that bit older, in lower 6th, he's fine. She's at a very difficult age, poor thing, but the school should/will make sure they can all enjoy themselves.

kungpopanda · 15/10/2015 05:44

I am sceptical about the 'compulsory' nature of the trip, for a start. Who pays the piper calls the tune, no?
I don't believe the co-showering stuff for a moment. Even if the child came home with that as a story, a scenario which I also don't qute swallow.
Anyway, this purported trip is next year. Lots of time either to world-proof the daughter or make alternative arrangements.