daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

[Dieu]

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

Goodness I don't think your daughter will be showering like that. Yes the boys will make comments - unfortunately they often do, not acceptable and no even if you were in a state mixed school it goes on. Talk to her about it so you open up lines of communication and she can tell you things. Taking about her fears and yours will help.

If there is harassment of the girls going on then you need to kick up the almightiest stink you can muster up and keep at it until it stops.

If social media are being abused by the boys to harass or intimidate or in any other way make the girls feel uncomfortable then that needs to be broadcast from the rooftops too.

You need to make a huge fuss here -- if this is true.

Though I agree with this comment:

TheTigerIsOut Thu 15-Oct-15 00:43:59

" She does have a few friends who are boys, but they're the non threatening types who tend to hang around with the girls through choice."
Good grief woman, non-threatening types? Forget about your DD, you need to sort your own perceptions before trying to help your DD.
What is a threatening boy? One that acts like the average teenager? Or do you have teenagers beating and stabbing each other around you?##

...I find myself asking what is going on here?

Threatening in the psychological sense?

Have you considered therapy for your DD? Something is awry here.

Why is she terrified of spending time with the boys?

And why would she believe that mixed showers with swimsuits on would be even a possibility?

It's really good that she's not worried about boys in sixth form, but it sounds like that is a little way off and this is obviously causing her real distress.

The boys commenting online is horrible of course but they must be a minority of the year. Most of the boys going will be much more like your daughter.

Can your daughter speak to a couple of her friends about her concerns? It sounds like she has good friends.

And why would she believe that mixed showers with swimsuits on would be even a possibility?

Because an older child told her! Same with you are not allowed to leave maths to go to the toilet under ANY circumstances, you have a 5% chance of losing your arm after your BCG, science technician is a paedo etc.

But that is incredibly bizarre -- as pps mentioned, how would you wash with a swimsuit on?

Does she have no little voice inside her head that says ' wait a minute....?'

My DC school had the same urban myth about showering in swimsuits at residentials.

Turned out some kids kept them on in the showers but they weren't mixed. My own were apprehensive and 12 months on, I heard them repeating the same nonsense with gusto to the year below.

I'd tell her to find a nice girl in the year above and ask her for the lowdown.

As for the boy thing, I'd tell her that any comments that make her really uncomfortable should be reported to a teacher. Give her examples of what, in your family, is unacceptable and what isn't.

Some kids see comments between teens as banter and lads trying to impress girls and ignore, others challenge and report. What has she been brought up with? How do her friends and peers react?

I'd remind her she'll be under adult supervision for the majority of the stay and she should concentrate on enjoying the opportunity.

In the meantime, I'd pack wet wipes and let her know as long as she's clean she doesn't need to put herself through an ordeal that she'll hate. Give her an option.

I bet she'll have a ball!

You all live in a very different World from me. Our local leisure centre 5 minutes walk from the local mixed sex comp has mixed sex changing and showering facilities. Any DC who goes swimming regularly or has a block of swimming lessons at school will be using the mixed showering facilities with their swimsuits on. We went to Centreparks on a proper middle class family break last year. The swimming pool has mixed changing and showering facilities. It is 20 years since I went to a leisure centre with single sex facilities.

howabout rinsing your hair after showering in a swimsuit with parents present is not the same as a full week residential where kids will need a proper wash and won't have parents there. I doubt the boys that the OP's daughter worries will comment on her body would do so in front of their mums (if they would that is a whole other thread)

I really feel for you and your daughter. Some people are more nervous than others. In your shoes I would get her some therapy.

I would clear up what will and won't happen on the trip if she goes.

If you are paying for the privilege of our daughter being there I would certainly not want the school laying down the law!

I would certainly not make her go on the trip if she doesn't want to.

Can you also chat to your daughter and make sure that nothing unpleasant has happened with a boy or man, inappropriate behaviour or words etc.

I am very surprised people find it unusual that a teenage girl should be nervous of boys! I think it is quite understandable that any female should be worried about men or boys, about embarrassing comments or possibly inappropriate actions. It is a shame that it is this way but I don't think your daughter should be made to feel bad about herself for not feeling totally trusting of boys. I went to a mixed school and barley spoke to a boy until I was 16. Of course lots of boys are lovely and nothing to be fearful of, but they are generlly bigger, taller and stronger than girls, louder, sometimes more brash and of course there may be things like unrequited love or unreturned feeling for a boy.

I really hope she will enjoy her trip if she goes but I really do not feel she should have to if she does not want to. Some children find mixing harder and the kind of sink or swim of school life and trips away from the family may not work for all.

Good luck and please do let us know the story about those showers!!!

I went to an all girls school and was probably a bit nervous around teenage boys - I had just had a few bad experiences of mean boys, I think. Just want to reassure OP that it didn't affect me at all in the long term! I was perfectly happy around the boys I was at uni with, have held my own in a male dominated work place and have a DH and a DS who I adore - I think boys are great now!

All my local leisure centres have single sex changing - with the option of "family changing". That has been the case anywhere I've gone in the UK - so I have no idea where howabout lives.

Dieu I have know girls not go on compulsary trips, no one can make you. If it is causing extreme anxiety, then get a doctor's note.
The only time they are really hard to miss are the ones that form part of GCSEs/A'levels.

This is not normal teenage behaviour BTW - it sounds more like institutionalised cyber bullying. At my DC's state school when such things occur and are reported they are heavily cracked down on. And most young people are out growing this kind of bravado at 14.
I do worry that your DD has been told unpleasant things about the local State or other schools, and believes them.

No trips are compulsory end of.

fatsdaytears I have 2 teenage dd. I do not accompany them to the swimming pool. No boys I know that age are accompanied to the swimming pool. Our swimming pool is part of the council sport activity holiday programme. They also run a Friday night club. From age 8 if they can swim they can go to the pool without adult supervision. These are all mixed sessions.

I would be very surprised if there were not also private washing facilities as I think there is clearly a health and hygiene issue in going on an activity holiday and only being able to wash with your swimsuit on.

A) Find out whether the shower thing is truth or a rumour. If it's true, raise hell.

B) Do not tell her she has to put up with sexual harassment, or that it's "normal teenage boy behaviour". If you wouldn't put up with it in the workplace, she doesn't have to put up with it at school.

1. her anxiety about being with boys sounds excessive. Does this level of anxiety show in other areas of her life?
2. don't believe everything you hear about the boys
3. no way will there be mixed facilities for teens

If you are on holiday at somewhere like Centre Parks, or going to your local pool, you can shower properly once you get home so a communal shower with swimming costume on doesn't matter. If you are away for a week it does matter.
I have never liked the idea of single sex schools. In mixed schools boys or girls are just people and you don't demonise boys into 'threatening'. I went to both myself and it was the girl's school that was sex mad!
The trip can't be compulsory if they are charging for it.
Apart from all the trip issues there seems to be something very wrong with the ethos of the school. Not something that I would want to be paying for!

My children go to a mixed school so any residential trips they have been on has been with groups of children that they mostly know. Boys and girls are not mysterious or threatening to either of them (boy or girl), just every day. I think that is the healthiest situation and actively avoided single sex schools for them.

I went to a single sex school and socialised with boys who mostly were also at single sex schools. Some of them were really very unpleasantly misogynist, but because we were incredibly keen to get male attention we put up with stuff that my dd would almost certainly kick into touch. I think that you can get some very dodgy dynamics and opinions in single sex environments, with girls/boys inclined to objectify each other, finding the other sex threatening or just lacking the skills to interact appropriately.

So there may be some problematic interactions on the trip. The possibility is that a lot of the kids may use it as an opportunity to find boyfriend/ girlfriends. My ds (just turned 16) went on a summer camp this year and was appalled at how much hooking up was going on (culminating in the police apparently being called for a possible sexual assault :()

I think if I was the OP I'd look to talk through some potential scenarios with dd (and ideally her friends) to talk through how she might respond to various things. When a come back might work, when ignoring might be best, what to report immediately to staff etc etc

My friend's dd who also attends an all girls private school has a similar fear and attitude to boys. Such she will not travel on the school minibus as there are boys on it. Shock horror. Instead her mum drives her to school. 45 mins each way. 3 hours total driving every day! Her dd is now 16. And not work experience and refused to go there on the train. She still does nothing independently.

Morning

I went to an all girls. So I can understand where your daughter is coming from. The "othering" is pretty notmal.

If you can't get her to move schools - which is what I would want to do - the best thing you can do is get her involved in co ed outside interests.
DoE, young explorers, a sport that they will play together - for some reason fencing springs to mind!!

Does she have brothers? Get his friends round more often, just so she is used to being around boys.

The "othering" only happened to girls in my school who didn't have opposite sex siblings, and were very isolated in terms of every they did extra circularly was school based.
I can understand why your school is doing this. And I bet the shower thing is an urban myth passed from one year to the next to scare the bejeesus out of the younger Ines.

She will have a great time - but use this as a springboard to explore and resolve the wider issue!!!

I have 3 sons and wouldn't have wanted them at an all boys school - I wanted them to view girls in a completely normal, friendly way.
A shame that you friend's DD was sent to that school Jinglebells- it is so damaging for her that I don't even know what to suggest.

howabout I would be very surprised if there were not also private washing facilities as I think there is clearly a health and hygiene issue in going on an activity holiday and only being able to wash with your swimsuit on.

That is the point- the DD has somehow been lead to believe that this is the only washing arrangement, and that is clearly completely implausible. On so many levels.

I find it so depressing that the vast majority of posters seem to be saying that the OP's dd should be learning strategies to deal with sexual harassment. And even that sexually harassing girls is "normal teenage boy behaviour". I clearly have much higher expectations of my son and other teenage boys than some people do.

This fear of boys is what's really worrying, OP. Does she see boys out of school? If not, I'd seriously think about moving her to a mixed sex school. It's not healthy to grow up being scared of half the population.

Actually Jinglebells99 I think your friend's DD may well have a SN - and before you condemn you should think about how you would cope if your DC was literally too anxious to handle such everyday things.

When you have walked a mile in someones shoes...
If you try to force young people with high anxiety - they can either totally refuse to go or suicide attempts are not uncommon. Medical intervention can help, as can taking baby steps. But the baby step may be just getting to school each day.