Are we doing ourselves any favours with the "I'm hormonal excuse"?

[GruntledOne]

We see only too often on here someone excusing or explaining daft/unreasonable/irrational behaviour on the basis that "I'm pregnant/just. given birth/premenstrual/menstrual/post menstrual, I'm hormonal, I can't help it". Yet there are hordes of women out there handling difficult and/or dangerous jobs day after day with no concessions for the possibility that it could be that time of the month. You don't see female police officers claiming that they don't fancy going on that dawn raid as it's the wrong time of the month, or barristers excusing a bad job because they're pregnant. I've worked with women in a variety of jobs over the years and never been able to tell when they were on their periods unless they mentioned it.

What concerns me about constantly reaching for the hormonal excuse is that it will backfire. It's exactly the excuse employers use for not employing or promoting women, and we are simply giving it credence. So should we maybe all give it a rest?

I think hormones can be a valid reason behind certain behaviours, but they're not an excuse for said behaviour. I think some people on this thread could be a bit more understanding - just because you don't experience it, doesn't mean other people don't, and their experiences are just as valid as yours.

If you are sufficiently aware to say you're hormonal, then you can control or limit your behaviour instead of just giving in to it.

I agree it gives others the excuse of the old "oooh is it that time of the month" to shut us down rather than engage with us.

That said, I was all over the place after having my DC and wasn't myself at all, I never used it as an excuse to behave badly, but I did expect my DH to be patient with my constant tears and panic, and understand that it wasn't me losing my mind. So I don't think it's a black and white issue.

We should be able to talk about it and we should not be dismissed as silly girlies because we are talking about it.saying I am hormonal means just thay I am hormonal

My hormones really affect my mental health.

At times during my PMT I feel very depressed. I have no control over that.

I also act unreasonable at times, I try very hard to walk away when I am feeling that way but it is not always possible. I bite my tongue a lot but at times no matter how hard I try I can't control my moods. I am not an arsehole to people but I'm a big ball of frustration and depression and my stress levels rise and I feel overwhelmed and I am shorter with my family and grumpy.

That's not my fault. It's why I can't use hormonal BC and when my thyroid levels are low I feel like crap, mentally. I have been so affected (effected?) by hormones that during one pregnancy I was nearly hospitalised as I became extremely ill and when he was born I felt so much better. I had to go on anti-d's when pregnant with the others so not to have a repeat.

I have never heard anyone use it as an excuse not to work though.

I know a lovely woman, she is amazing, so very calm and loving and kind. During PMT she turns into a very different person. She has had help for this but she really struggles and again, it isn't her fault.

But often people don't recognise it straight away. I know when I'm getting PMT because my period comes like clockwork, so I can realise I feel more tired/weepy at that time, but if your period is all over the place, it might not be as easy to recognise it as PMT.

It's also often much easier to recognise it afterwards. It's MUCH easier to recognise a bad mood/irritability etc. afterwards than it is in the heat of the moment.

Oh god yes.

Since I was about 9, every time I wasn't happy, smiling, eager to please, I was "hormonal".

I wanted to scream at my mum that if she just listened to me, she might realise there actually was a proper reason for being cross/upset/down. But no, it was my hormones.

When. I had a minor row with dh when pfb was 4 weeks old over him needing to pull his weight, my mum told me I was hormonal and I was upsetting everyone.

And we MUST be able to talk about things like this without people piling in to talk about their PND and how very dare we minimise the effect it had on their lives. We're not doing that at all. Of course there are people who are made really ill by hormone inbalances. Of course for some people severe PMT makes their lives incredibly difficult.

But the use of the word as the OP describes is very unhelpful to them as well. Severe hormone inbalances need to be taken seriously and treated. People appropriating the word to excuse bad behaviour does a disservice to all women, including the ones who really suffer.

It doesn't take much for women to be dismissed as too emotional, too unstable to be taken seriously. We mustn't contribute to this.

YAB a bit U.

I wouldn't use it as an excuse at work but given that my hormones genuinely impact on my mood at certain times of the month (more sensitive, a bit clingy etc) I'd go mad if I couldn't tell my husband so he could make allowances.

Similarly I used to work with someone (a man) who was diabetic and could get very irritable when his blood sugar was low - though was normally very easygoing and professional. It was very helpful to know that at times he wasn't quite himself and not to take it personally.

You are right womens emotions must never be dissmissed as oh she is hormonal thats is a must however many womens moods are dictated by hormonal changes so its like we are caught what are we meant to do ?

Lweji has it in a sentence I think.

The people (like the posters on this thread sharing their stories ) who genuinely suffer, tend not to start silly "I am hormonal so AIBU to want to stab the woman on the bus who looked at bubba" threads.

But they (the genuine sufferers) should absolutely be allowed to talk about it. And the overuse of the term, like I said before, just demeans and belittles it until it does end up meaning "feeling a bit screechy because I've had a shit day". Which does no-one any favours.

I lived with a girl and I plotted her cycle, because she fucking terrified me. She never once said she was "hormonal" though. Because when she was, she was beyond even knowing what to call it.

In Rl i dont say oh i am hormonal except my husband to the outside they just see im quiter than usual and withdrawn

The issue is people will say to women 'do you have your period to shut the conversation down' and use it as a reason their feelings shouldn't be taking into account.

On the flip side I have known women say 'it's my hormones/ I am due in' etc to shut down the conversation as well. They don't want to confronted about their behaviour or are embarrassed and use it as an excuse. It does happen on my far more than in RL. But it does happen in RL.

If you can't act in a professional manner because you just can't help yourself, then you should be seeking help. Depression and whole range of things can cause people to act out. As adults we should be seeking to solve the issue, if we are acting inappropriately.

as pp said no one like when people use ocd/ depressed etc in a flippant manner.

Hormones have a massive impact on our bodies and when they are out of balance the results can be enormous - anyone who's had PND can tell you that. I think trivialising the impact they can have is very naive at best. If you are affected, some of your behaviour is actually beyond your control. In do think though that we should all be a bit more sensitive to how much impact they have on our bodies and minds - and that includes men too.

Voyage, personally, if I'm rowing with DP and he says "time of the month is it?" I find it the most disrespectful and dismissive thing he could say to me, it's like 'whatever you think you're feeling, it's not real'.

However, if he went through the thought process that it might be 'that time of the month' even though half the time it isn't and his grasp of biology is a bit shit in that respect and then said to himself 'maybe I should cut her some slack here, she's taking this harder than she normally would' then I don't mind him considering it as a possibility.

It's when it becomes the default for "I don't like what you're saying so I'm going to shut you down" that it becomes a problem.

I have recently found that using the line to him "you're obviously just hungry, go and have a snickers and come back and talk to me when you can be more rational" has a similarly satisfying feeling of dismissiveness for me, so it will be trotted out any time he uses the PMT excuse!

And in answer to the OP, I never use the excuse myself of being 'a bit hormonal'. As far as I'm concerned, I may be more prone to tears or irritability, but the feelings are the same, I'm still annoyed, I'm just more likely to express my annoyance. I see it as being the 'real' me and the other 3 weeks I'm suppressing all the shit that gives me the rage!

It reminds me of that film 'a Few Good Men' ? with Meg Ryan in battle. She cries at one point and they see it as a weakness, a sign she's not coping, whereas actually it's just a physical reaction to a stressful situation and she then just gets on with it.

I'm in my mid 40s and get very bad PMT now. I cope fine in my job because I don't have a challenging role but it would be different if I did. On the other hand, I cope very poorly at home because, as everyone knows, with children, it is never predictable. I didn't get PMT at all in my 20s so could have written this post myself back then. However, I did get terrible period pain, which I don't get now, and functioned very poorly during menstruation at that time. I think somehow people are more sympathetic with the period pain part but not the PMT - it is as if it is not real.

My sister used hormones as a reason for her to behave like an utter twat over the years.

She now using the menopause as her reason for behaving like an utter twat

Long ago, I came to the conclusion that whether she be hormental or not, she is also a bit of a twat and needs to stop using something that every woman on earth is going through to some degree, as an excuse for being a twat. It's insulting.

I agree, OP. I hate it. I also don't know how common it is for women's emotions to be affected by their hormonal cycle - I accept that for some women it is. As far as I'm concerned, though, I didn't suffer from "preg head" or "baby brain" and I didn't become more emotional before my period (in the days when I had them). I assume a lot of women use it to be likably self-deprecating or perhaps in some cases they attribute a bad mood to their hormones when it's just, you know, a bad mood. After all, men have bad moods too.

I agree with the OP.
The other day I read a post which excused a bad attitude on being pregnant.
Personally I don't agree with that. Same thing with periods, generally speaking. I've had 3 pregnancies, reasonably normal periods and being through the menopause, I've never thought of any of those things as being a get out clause for bad behaviour.
Having said that, yes there are some extreme cases which come into the category of a medical condition. That's a different situation.

The people who are saying that hormones affect women's behaviour in ways they can't control- does that mean you think it would be irresponsible to appoint a woman to any job which required a cool head and clear thinking? A pilot, for example? A surgeon? A taxi driver? Lollipop lady?

Bert exactly. If someone suggested women could do certain jobs because of there hormones, there would outrage.