I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Dunno. I just think people with MH and particularly their kids don't get enough help and support

[CloakAndJagger]

Forgive me, I am undoubtedly one of the people without a full understanding of MH, but how is it possible to od in a house where you have sole charge of dc a nd not harm them in some way?

Where does it say anywhere that the OP was in sole charge of her children? She has a DH.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Blackbird, my child would not go anywhere near a place that lied about him to SS

They didn't lie

[Leavingsosoon]

MH just covers too wide a range for that to work as a statement, though, and I don't think I particularly have MH issues; it just all got rather too much for me a few times once.

Someone telling me this wouldn't have helped! I know!

[Obs2015]

Your parents made a false statement to the nursery. That would bother me. I would talk to them and tell them how I felt.
The nursery are speculating and conjecture. I would get dh to email re your/his concerns over that and put them straight.
I would also look into other nursery's to send child. Once found I would move child, so as not to get into trouble with SS.
You do need help and support.
You need help for yourself and to calm the situation and stop it escalating.

[Leavingsosoon]

They exaggerated.

[ElizabethG81]

saucony, people aren't missing the point. It doesn't really matter if the nursery have exaggerated or not. They may have, or the OP's parents may have, or the OP may be minimising/justifying things to herself - we don't know. The point is that, even if what the OP is saying is the truth - that she took a "small" overdose and made superficial cuts - she did this while her children were in her care. This in itself necessitates the SS referral. Add in the other concerns that the nursery had, and they had no choice but to make the referral.

The focus should be on the welfare of the child, not the wishes of the parent. As unpalatable as it may be, parental mental health issues are a risk indicator, and it has to be looked into.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I don't think so. I think op is minimising. I expect her parents were shocked and distressed and they gave an account to nursery that the op might not agree with.

[Leavingsosoon]

They were obviously OK though - am sure OPs children were too. If what she did was so terrible on its own, it didn't require exaggeration did it?

[Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby]

They had to report, and child in need just flags up the children may need more support. Some places are now quick to do ,emotional' type support for kids (esp if they are having behaviours etc). This is a good thing. It might be tough for your kids to witness these things, scary even, and it does mess them up a bit. Sad but true.

I have to face reality that my PND probably did impact on my children's behaviour etc. I have had recent training on attachment, and can see it clearly. It's not 'pretty' but MH issues are not. I feel horrible guilt, but at least my kids can have access to 'support' if they need it. For eg, your older children just might want to ask questions etc, perhaps they cannot/think they cannot ask. They should have access to things that allows them to talk things through, hopefully improving their own mental health.

My mother had similar issues. (Od'd twice I think), we were never obviously aware, but it was always there.

But some places are woefully shit at understanding mental health... My manager (at a nursery funnily enough), tried to imply that being off with stress (I was allowed 6 weeks, unpaid), and not being 100% after those 6 weeks, constituted a 'safeguarding risk'. Which is bullshit. I was so beyond annoyed at that! But she was of the 'you have to be depressed about something' brigade. So they probably don't understand. And it might be bullshit, but getting your kids support is most definitely not bullshit.

Hugs

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

How can you possibly be sure the OP's children are ok? How can you sit there and say such an ignorant and unhelpful thing?
Leaving, yOU are projecting your own situation and your own justification of your DC witnessing distressing behaviour from you and making unjustified assumptions. It's massively unhelpful and could be causing actual harm. You don't know what is really going on with the OP's mental health and how stable she is and your minimising could be putting her children at real risk of harm.

[Waltermittythesequel]

You don't know they exaggerated and you don't know that the dc are ok, Leaving.

And given your nonchalant attitude to what you and your own dc went through I'm not sure you should be doling out advice here!

[Leavingsosoon]

I don't think I did say that, blackbird - someone asked me about mine.

The OPs account differs from the nursery school's account and since she was there and they weren't, I believe her

[Mintyy]

I'm another one who just doesn't understand. You have mh issues to the extent that you have overdosed and self harmed, but you don't think your nursery aged child needs someone looking out for him?

[Flottilaz70]

I agree that it matters not that the parents or the nursery have exaggerated. OP, just take all the intervention (help) that comes your way.

[Booyaka]

I had some ill healthier this year and very brief SS contact before the case was closed.

I doubt the nursery lied. What you have to bear in mind is that it's quite a convoluted process getting the report to SS and there can be genuine reasons for things to be not quite exactly as you think they are. For example, your parents tell a member of staff, the member of staff tells their manager, the manager makes the referral and the social worker takes it. In that chain of people there is a lot of scope for the account to quite innocently change because of different perceptions or misunderstandings. Add into that they may also be reporting some rather garbled and possibly inaccurate things that your child is actually saying and you can see how it could change. Rather than dwelling on the inaccuracies correct them to the social worker.

Taking your children out is the worst thing you can do. Partly for their sake, it sounds like they are going through a tough time at the moment and they could probably do with as much stability and routine as possible. Secondly because it will make you look terrible to social services. The first thing that comes into their head when someone does that is that they're doing it because they want to remove their children from scrutiny and try and hide what is happening in the family home. Carrying on with the children's routine, keeping things as normal as possible is the best thing you can do, and it is the thing that will make you look best as a parent. Taking them out would be something that would save your blushes, it wouldn't be something that would be good for the children so it would make it appear that you couldn't put their needs above your own.

You're feeling unwell at the moment, so things are going to feel more personal and you are going to feel sensitive about how people are perceiving you. But as other people have said, the referral is just something that is routine in the circumstances and it's highly unlikely it was personal. Your children's teachers will just have your child's best interests at heart, you won't have been the first person in the school who's had a referral made, you won't be the last.

Just, engage, engage, engage with everything SS ask you to do, go to all your MH appointments, keep the children in their routine. Try and just keep everything as calm, normal and stable as possible for the children and focus on getting your entire family back on an even keel. What the nursery think isn't important, what is important is you getting your health back on track and your children staying in a stable routine.

[pippitysqueakity]

Oh my Dear. You have reached a point where you are minimilising suicide attempts. Slash or nick, to try to cut your wrists is massive. I hope you are ok. I hope you can access the help you need.

[Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby]

Agree blackbird. Because harm is not not just physical harm. It covers emotional harm too. And that is not always blatantly obvious.

No one is saying the op is deliberately harming her children, she loves them, that much is obvious. But unfortunately, these things 'are' distressing. Just as distressing as seeing a parent ill with cancer or struggling with other kinds of disability. I would expect schools to support kids in all those situations (and more, thinking family hardship/breakdown etc), or at least be aware (our school does because they are awesome).

[DrasticAction]

I used to work as a child protection social worker. I can't say I'm surprised at an over-zealous, exaggerated school referral, sadly. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed, some professionals seem to find things that aren't there

Gosh thats rather worrying one hopes the real proffs are able to pick through the conjecture?

[Italiangreyhound]

Flameproofboots I hope you will get all the help you can.

Please do not waste energy on being angry with the nursery staff or your parents or with yourself. Concentrate on getting help for your mental health issues, please.

Whether anyone exaggerated or not, whether you were alone in the house with the kids or not, whether the overdose was small or not, whether the cuts were small or not, you do need help, please, please take it.

Go and buy or ask you dh, to go and buy some soft jogging bottoms and tops that can be night and day wear and go with that for now.

Please co-operate with social services in their requests, keep ds in a regular routine and work towards getting well.

Please do not take any advice that tells you to go against social services recommendations. I firmly believe going against social services advice/recommendations will not help you. Any posters who are suggesting this will not be around to assist if going against social services advice goes wrong and goes against you.

EatShitDerek I am so sorry, it sounds horrendous.

[Pidapie]

Have been in a similar situation to you, and it is truly horrendous. Like a living nightmare. I hope things settle down, and keep on your toes about SS. Do not show them weakness. You're strong enough.

[Pidapie]

Oh, and do whatever they ask, and at least pretend to take it all very seriously, otherwise you will make it oh so much worse. Huff xxx