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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the head that actually HER hair looks shit

155 replies

Denmancanttouchthis · 12/10/2015 09:16

DD year 6 has just started doing her own hair in preparation for residential trip. School rules state it has to be tied back. She can do a perfectly serviceable plait with no hair loose/around her face. She has naturally frizzy/wavy hair anyway

The head teacher told her twice last week her hair was messy and 'looked a mess'. Head told her she couldn't get her photo taken for the newsletter on Friday as her hair was too messy, overheard by DS as well.

AIBU that if the hair meets school rules then head can bugger off with her opinion of if its ascetically pleasing to her or not? And possibly tell her that since she has lego hair we don't want her hair advice

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/10/2015 13:15

Oh your DD's hair is gorgeous Emo - quite like my DD's but more of it!

Of course this is beside the main point but just thought I'd say anyway

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/10/2015 13:16

Congrats to her too on being voted House Captain :-)

OnlyLovers · 12/10/2015 13:20

supply your daughter with a hairbrush and encourage her to tidy her hair frequently.

Oh sod off. Seriously???

Emo, rather than your daughter putting her hair in a gelled bun please kick up a stink at the school!

ToTheGups · 12/10/2015 13:24

I would put Normas response onto a letter and make it clear that I expected a response withing 48 hours as to why they think it is acceptable behaviour.

Pyjamaramadrama · 12/10/2015 13:27

This thread has made me so sad. The headteacher is completely in the wrong and it needs dealing with in a tactful way.

Hair should be clean and brushed/tied back. Children should not be having to worry about bits of frizz or pony tail bumps.

Emochild · 12/10/2015 13:37

When she was told off it was tied in a rather bushy ponytail with a crown of frizz

First week of year 7

I didn't sign for the detention but she's so paranoid about detentions and isolation she's decided herself that's how she's now doing her hair

VenusRising · 12/10/2015 13:45

Emo you have to fight!

Go into the school and make a stink.

Personal and judgemental comments like the appearance of someone's hair, even though they are obeying the rules and tying it back is highly unporofessional, and poeptentiwlly racist and discriminatory.

Please take this matter up with the board.

You have to fight for your DDs rights!

She was obeying the rules, but was discriminated against.
What she does with her hair is a red herring.

Please please don't model pushover behaviour, and victim blaming.
That will do more to erode her self esteem than any comments ignorant and badly trained people will ever make.

Go in guns blazing and fight for her rights. She obeyed the rules.

RaspberryOverload · 12/10/2015 13:45

supply your daughter with a hairbrush and encourage her to tidy her hair frequently

^^The kind of thing said by people who have no understanding that not all hair is the straight, flat type, and who therefore assume that all hair can simply be brushed tidy.

Or by people who assume that because someone else has said the hair is untidy have jumped to the conclusion that, yes, it must indeed be untidy, despite not having seen the hair.

From the OP's description of the child's hair, it sounds like it met the school rules, was neatly tied back, nothing escaping, but just not totally sleek and flat. So the head's comment appears totally uncalled for, and overshadows the child's achievement in being House Captain.

Such a stupid and nasty comment to make to the child, and not just once, if I've read this correctly.

VenusRising · 12/10/2015 13:46

Sorry that was to denmancanttouchthis not emo...

But if you're in a similar position emo, I'd advise the same.

Pyjamaramadrama · 12/10/2015 13:48

I can't believe that somebody is suffering getting her hair chemically straightened.

Who says straight hair is good and wavy hair is bad? What's wrong with the hair you were born with?

Pedestriana · 12/10/2015 13:49

I'd be raising this with the school. If the hair is tied back/plaited as per regulations then they're being ridiculous.

My DD goes to school with her hair tied back in a ponytail and sides clipped back/down. When I pick her up, it looks as though she's been statically charged. Her hair just gradually escapes during the day. Mine is the same.

It's a poor reflection on society if we are insisting on someone having their hair chemically altered - particularly that of a child - just to be aesthetically pleasing. Venus has it right in saying ^
Personal and judgmental comments like the appearance of someone's hair, even though they are obeying the rules and tying it back is highly unprofessional, and potentially racist and discriminatory.^

MrsWooster · 12/10/2015 13:56

VERY poor message to be sending to a child - head's, not yours- at a time when the pressure on all kids and esp girls to look a certain way and care more about appearance than achievement or personality. If DDdid something to merit going in the newsletter then she should be in it even if she is wearing her pants on her head ( though I do realise that that is not in uniform policy).
I'd go in and tell the head that, with knobs on. Possibly hold off on the Lego hair thing until last DC leaves the school then cross stitch it on a banner for the school hall.

Crazypetlady · 12/10/2015 13:57

Some of the ignorence on this thread is ridiculous. Not everyone has easy manageable hair.
My mums hair is extremely curly and my dads is extremely thick.
It pretty much renders mine useless for any sleek styles.
No matter what I do there are always curls escaping .
Complain and suggest the head needs additional training .
YANBU to be angry.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/10/2015 14:02

I'd agree with everyone here who says that the issue isn't getting naturally wavy/frizzy hair straight, it's getting the head to a) accept that natural hair kept neat and clean is fine even when it remains wavy/curly/frizzy, and b) telling the head to knock it off with the rude, incredibly inappropriate remarks about your DD's appearance.

There's a lot of baggage with hair of certain types being deemed unacceptable for formal or business purposes - and yes, it's often racist and/or discriminatory, to boot.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/10/2015 14:04

Wow, it's actually good the ht has been so extreme as it will make it easier to complain :)

What idiot says to a young girl 'yes you're house captain but we cannot celebrate it as we do for everyone else, as you don't look the way society wants girls to be, and I'm going to penalise you for that'...

Good lord. I hope the ht is horribly ashamed when she realised what a terrible example shes set a vulnerable child. Grrrrrr.

Ps my hair is straight and I couldn't make it behave all through secondary school, let alone primary.

Witchend · 12/10/2015 14:06

I think it does depend slightly on whether the Op's dd is actually managing her hair okay.

I decided when I went into year 7 that I was doing my own hair. So I did. No one said anything to me at any point. I have fairly normal wavy hair.

However what I did was cram it back into a pony tail. There were bumps over my head and bits would come out and actually I looked a real mess. It also didn't do it much good as I tended to break bits putting it into the bobble.

When I was around 13yo I was at a friend's house and we were doing each other's hair, and they showed me how to brush it out, and put it back neatly into a ponytail. It was better for the hair, felt much fresher for me and looked much better. I did wonder fairly shortly afterwards why no one had said anything before-I just got lots of "your hair looks nice" comments afterwards.

Looking back I just wonder why dm didn't say something to me. I was pretty compliant and easy on such things. I would have taken it well.

Witchend · 12/10/2015 14:08

Sorry, I did meant to add that the comments from the head are UR and it isn't her place to say anything there.

DixieNormas · 12/10/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 12/10/2015 15:58

I wouldn't make the Lego hair comment but it would be fine to point out to the HT that she's a complete wanker.

So what if your DD's hair is a mess?

Nothing like ramming down her throat nice and early the girls are based on nothing but their appearance.

Jux · 12/10/2015 16:47

emochild, your dd's hair is beautiful EnvyEnvyEnvy both in colour and style. She's so lucky!

OP, the Head is an idiot. Don't let it pass.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 12/10/2015 17:47

Plaits are a bit of a faff if you have naturally wavy frizzy hair. How about just a ponytail? And you could make it a bit more manageable with argan oil.

But yes, the Head should have more important things to concern herself with than hairstyles.

Catonthematwiththehat · 12/10/2015 17:53

I had a teacher do this to me in year 7. It made me feel so sad. I was a sensitive and very quiet child so this knocked my confidence hugely. It was my first week of secondary school. My mum had done my hair for me as well and it wouldn't have been a mess - it was in the standard way that she did it for me and looking back at photos, it looks perfectly fine but I had very thick wavy hair. My DM wasn't in the habit of using product on an 11 year olds hair to call it down and make it less natural.

I would be having a quiet word with the head.

PrinceHansOfTheTescoAisles · 12/10/2015 18:12

This thread has hit a raw nerve with me as I've always had tricky hair (Jewish/Scottish heritage...not sure which side's to blame). I was bullied for it at school and if a teacher had commented on it I think it would have destroyed me. YY to speaking to the head (but not making it personal)...maybe you can change her attitude.

I'm lucky in that dd has gorgeous hair, from dh's side of the family. It still looks messy in a ponytail though cause she has a double crown. In bunches it's perfect. Not sure what we'll do when she's 10!

whois · 12/10/2015 18:14

OP you have to have to have to complain and make a fuss about this. NOT on to tell a child their hair is messy (when it is tied back as per instructions).

Also, Emochild OMG I would have gone absolutely bat shit if my (hypothetical) daughter got told her beautiful wavy hair was 'messy'. Her hair is stunning.

Didactylos · 12/10/2015 18:33

Your DDs hair is gorgeous and lovely, beautiful waves and colour: and please tell her this, even if its just compliments from random strangers on the internet

Get the Curly Girl handbook if you haven't already: its got great suggestions for managing curls, making the most of your curly hair and some of the standard advice for 'controlling problem hair' (who gets to judge its a problem to be controlled!) eg silicone based stuff, standard sulphate based shampoos, brushing can actually worsen frizz and make it less manageable overall. There's some good curly girl threads on here with products etc: and if you get the book reading the stories of other women who've been told their own natural hair is unmanageable, just not aesthetically pleasing, somehow reflective on them as a person eg 'Messy, untidy, blowsy, frowsy, slatternly etc' might be an eye opener about the possible impact of, and likely subtext of the heads comments

And ask for a meeting with the head and go abso-fucking-lutely nuclear on her: how dare she criticize your childs natural hair, its curly and this is as genetically programmed and unchangeable as any one of afrocarribean or mixed race ancestry: how dare she demand an arbitrary standard of beauty from her: and given the difficulties of raising girls with a healthy body image these days you want an apology for the unwarranted critisism and undermining messages shes given your daughter