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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the head that actually HER hair looks shit

155 replies

Denmancanttouchthis · 12/10/2015 09:16

DD year 6 has just started doing her own hair in preparation for residential trip. School rules state it has to be tied back. She can do a perfectly serviceable plait with no hair loose/around her face. She has naturally frizzy/wavy hair anyway

The head teacher told her twice last week her hair was messy and 'looked a mess'. Head told her she couldn't get her photo taken for the newsletter on Friday as her hair was too messy, overheard by DS as well.

AIBU that if the hair meets school rules then head can bugger off with her opinion of if its ascetically pleasing to her or not? And possibly tell her that since she has lego hair we don't want her hair advice

OP posts:
PacificMouse · 12/10/2015 09:34

Regardless of whether the OP's dd hair is 'messy' to the HT pov, it is brushed and put in a plait, ie there is nothing wrong about it.
The HT should NOT make any comments like this. That sort of stuff stays with children, the same way that it would stay if that HT was making a comment about her weight or that she has short legs or whatever.
The fact her hair is frizzy isn't something she can change. It is what it is.

I would go and have a word with the HT tbh.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/10/2015 09:34

I was always being told my hair was a mess when I was a child.

I had curly hair, parents with straight hair, and no YouTube or internet to tell them (or me!) what to do with it. And as hairdressers can't do my hair now, I doubt they could have offered any advice then! I used to wear my hair slicked into a ponytail with half a tin of hairspray because my hair was never deemed 'tidy' enough.

YANBU. Although I might be projecting a little bit Wink

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 12/10/2015 09:34

Brenda are you really hounding the OP for a pic of her 10 yo's hair so you can decide if the headmistress comments are appropriate?

If it's off the scale wild it would be appropriate to have a kind word with the mum, not bitch at the child, fgs.

Butteredparsnips · 12/10/2015 09:35

Actually I think it is fantastic that in year 6 you DD thinks there are more important things in life than what her hair looks like.

And I think her head teachers attitude is appalling.

icclemunchy · 12/10/2015 09:35

Shed love my DD then,majors fine flyaway hair with a weird double crown, fortunately she's only reception but even when it's in a ponytail she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards in 5mins!

I do think you should have a word. Girls can be sensitive at that age anyway and if it's been said loud enough for your DS to overhear I'd be worried about other children hearing and thinking it's ok to tease DD about it

SaucyJack · 12/10/2015 09:38

YANBU.

Does she ever tell any of the boys that they have crap hair?

Cornettoninja · 12/10/2015 09:39

Practically speaking would it help if your dd put a hair band on and then did a plait? That's my go-to having a shit hair day trick. Never did get the hang of clips and crap.

Regarding the HT, I wouldn't go in guns blazing pointing out her greys and chin pubes but a little note highlighting your daughter has difficult hair and a sensitive approach at her age may be more helpful than playground taunts and exclusion wouldn't be out of the realms of reasonableness.

KitZacJak · 12/10/2015 09:42

YANBU to be annoyed!!! If you have frizzy hair it is a nightmare to tame in my personal (experienced) opinion! She is putting out the wrong message to your daughter as your daughter is following the rules by tying it back and it is not her fault it is unruly. Would she have her using ghds everyday??

ChunkyPickle · 12/10/2015 09:43

Oh I sympathise with your daughter - I had hair that would never go into a smooth pony tail, and that even when back in a hair band or pony tail frizzed out everywhere at the front.. Every school picture it's a state - doubly so if they tried to brush/'fix' it for me.

The only way I get my hair in a pony tail now is not to brush at all, but to do it with my hands, with my head tipped forward - coaxing rather than forcing it in, and just live with the frizz... a bit of mousse helps with that, but it'a a pain to do every day.

It's horrible to victimise a kid because of their hair type - you should talk to the head about it (but try to keep it mature :) )

Piefacepieface · 12/10/2015 09:47

I think that's really rude and unnecessary (the head bringing up your dd's hair). My mum is really old fashioned and doesn't have a clue about how to do hair and when I was growing up my hair was always wavy and frizzy. It wasn't my fault that I had no one to help me sort it out and I didn't know what to do with it. I was always really embarrassed about it and if a teacher had said that to me I would have been mortified.

Now I'm an adult and I know what to do, my hair is much more manageable!

I can understand the head wanting uniforms to be clean and tidy and not scruffy but hair is hair. We can't help what we're born with. I'm sure she'll get the hang of making it a bit neater with time and practice anyway.

Marmaladybird · 12/10/2015 09:47

I've had this with my DS. Teacher making a point of stating loudly that he either has his fringe cut or will have to have to wear a hairband.

Also had it with my eldest. His teacher gave him a reward for getting his hair cut.

They aren't like cavemen, just like to wear their hair a bit longer than teachers like.

I'm trying to teach them not to bow to the pressure of other children - they can both get their hair cut if they choose, but not because another child makes a comment about it. So I was absolutely livid to find out that the teachers were also adding to the pressure. Big bullies. I think you should tell the head to mind her own business and concentrate on education instead of appearances.

TheCatsMother99 · 12/10/2015 09:49

I agree that the head teacher should be spoken to about this and made aware that it's not ok to say what she said to your DD.

When I was in year 5 or 6 someone at school made a comment about my hair that stayed with me. It took me years to realise that the person who said it was just a nasty person but in the meantime I felt really shitty about my hair and my appearance.

Perhaps because the teacher has Lego hair she has no idea how difficult it is to make certain hair types look pristine (and that it's often not even possible). If she said it to your DD I bet she'll say it to others.

TheCraicDealer · 12/10/2015 09:51

I think because of her age I'd be looking at trying a lightweight (or heavier duty if she's got thick hair) serum before drying to help with the frizz, but not let on. I say this as a once frizzy haired 11 or 12 years old who hated my wiry looking bob.

As for the head, I'd be complaining. It sounds like she just doesn't like children very much. She needs to remember she's there for their benefit, not to give them frigging complexes.

Egosumquisum · 12/10/2015 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/10/2015 10:05

I can see why you're peeved. It's a tad unprofessional to be saying her hair is messy, and especially at an impressionable age.
if another child said this to her, they. Would be dragged over the coals.
May I ask WTF is Lego hair.

Fratelli · 12/10/2015 10:06

I would have a word with the head and explain you're teaching your daughter to fo her own hair and negative comments are damaging her self confidence which has a huge impact at this age. I completely sympathise as I have hair like that and it can be a nightmare! However, a ponytail is simple, not time consuming and neat, maybe try that for simplicity? Plaits are a bit of a faff imo

diddl · 12/10/2015 10:13

So the school rules are that hair must be tied back, and it is tied back.

That should be the end of it!

"Head told her she couldn't get her photo taken for the newsletter on Friday as her hair was too messy"

That is so nasty that I don't know where to start!

I used to put my long straight hair in a ponytail.

By lunchtime I probably looked as if I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards!

IKnowRight · 12/10/2015 10:13

I feel your pain OP, my dd also has untameable hair. It starts off the day in a reasonably neat ponytail but by the end of the day it looks like it hasn't been brushed for a week. Fine/wavy double whammy, it won't stay put in a bobble, alongside the fact that at 6yo she couldn't give a flying fig whether her hair is neat (older dd otoh has the same hair but is old enough to feel the need to get up early and spend half an hour every morning taming it).

School couldn't care less, you should see the state of her in her awful official school photo. This is as it should be imo.

YANBU to tell the HT to back off. YABU to tell her she has a shit hairdo, YANBU to think it though. DD2's HT has lovely swooshy hair Envy

P1kachoo · 12/10/2015 10:15

Your Head sounds rather harsh! What she did could be quite upsetting for poor DD, especially at that age. There are far more tactful ways of managing it.

When I was at school it was totally normal to have to line up in front of the Head to be inspected before any sort of school event. But as 80% of pupils failed the first check nobody felt picked on! My appearance was usually acceptable by the third check, and that wasn't uncommon!

(I am not suggesting the above as a tactful way to manage it btw!)

Mermaidhair · 12/10/2015 10:18

Your poor dd has no control of what type of hair grows from her head. I'm sure if it were poker straight and all one length it would always look neat pulled back. But as someone with curly, frizzy hair I know it isn't possible. What an awful woman. I have tried nearly every product to tame my hair. If her hair needs to be back maybe try some heavy duty gel to try and keep the fly seats in place.

Mermaidhair · 12/10/2015 10:19

Seats/ aways!

OliviaM91 · 12/10/2015 10:23

I have afro hair and it's impossible a pain to keep it looking neat and tidy, without resorting to chemicals or extensions. I have a complex from years of negative comments. The headteacher was unbelievably rude to comment on your child's hair. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

CrapBag · 12/10/2015 10:23

The head sounds like a right cow. What an awful thing to say to a year six who is tying her hair back in accordance with the school rules.

I did snort at the lego hair so thanks for that. Grin

NormaStits · 12/10/2015 10:28

I think I would take the angle that not all hair is easily manageable, that your daughter is learning to do it herself, hence gaining independence and that her hair is tied back safely as per school rules.

I'd then discuss the fact that girls and women are subjected to enough scrutiny regarding their looks and that to teach a 10 year old that she is valued on appearance is deeply sexist and damaging to her self esteem. That to tell someone with frizzy hair that it's messy despite being tied up adequately is feeding into the beauty industry myth that hair should always be shiny and glossy and setting your daughter up for a lifetime of self hatred as her hair can never match this ideal. I'd say that as a woman herself, the headteacher should know better than this to belittle a child over their appearance.

Finishing off in my head with 'just because you clip your hair on in the morning, you square-headed bitch'.

But ensure that last sentence is definitely not accidently voiced!

zoemaguire · 12/10/2015 10:30

I would be raising merry hell. That is totally unacceptable and I'm amazed there's a head in the land that thinks it is. I wouldn't mention the head's hair (tempting I know!), but I would certainly make my feelings very strongly known. How dare she?!