Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get him to buy me a whole new set

177 replies

alphabettyspaghetty · 10/10/2015 22:13

So just to give some background... I have been doing adult colouring for a few months now and have amassed myself a really good set of pens which in total have cost me the best part of £50. I keep them under the coffee table with my magazines and my books.

So i have a stepson (8) who comes to us every weekend. He has a wealth of colouring stuff in his bedroom for him to draw etc with -this bit is important as he doesnt look after stuff very well and im always buying him new pens as he ruins them easily. I was away last weekend and my OH is away this weekend so stepson is not here.

I decided tonight to do some colouring and go to my box and there is no pens there. I phoned OH and it conspires he couldn't be bothered to get out stepson's tub of pens so used mine. Except he's not quite sure where they are now... he thinks they are in his bedroom. I am not going to go searching through his room to find my collection. I also suspect DSS would have left lids off and destroyed them.

I am just fed up of sharing everything of mine because OH doesn't want to share his or is too lazy to get something out properly.

Some more examples... my ipad. Dss can't possibly use my OHs ipad so uses mine
.. my laptop... can't quite possibly use OHs laptop so uses mine. My car... Dss isnt allowed food in his dad's car but of course in mine it's ok to give him hot chocolate. (Never did get it out the seat)

I don't mind sharing of course but the pens have tipped me over the edge.

AIBU to get OH to buy me a whole new collection of pens? And not share anything ever again?

OP posts:
Hygge · 12/10/2015 01:02

Lynda - book fist-bump back. I'm glad it's not just me. Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2015 08:42

Book fist-bumps Hygge and Lynda - I cringe when I see someone reading a book with covers bent right back and the spine all wrinkled! I only lend my books to people who will take adequate care of them too.

pictish · 12/10/2015 08:52

I'm a book bender. I also place mark by splaying it on a flat surface on the page I'm on. I also drop food on them. All my books end up battered.

My books get rammed into handbags, dropped into shopping bags, travel on the bus, up and down the stais in my house, get sat on by my kids and read at the lunch table.

I don't understand people who claim to love books but pride themselves on keeping them pristine. That's loving an object, not engaging with the contents. How can you truly sink into a book if you don't want to crack the spine?

pictish · 12/10/2015 08:55

How can you hold a thick book in one hand without cracking the spine for example?

pictish · 12/10/2015 09:01

P.s I am talking about novels of course. I'm more careful with hardbacks and so on.

Lweji · 12/10/2015 09:03

Would you do all that to a borrowed book that got to you in pristine condition?

LyndaNotLinda · 12/10/2015 09:09

I can love the content and the package pictish. If I look after a book, I (or someone else) can read it again. If it's wrecked, it's bin-worthy afer one read.

pictish · 12/10/2015 09:12

I don't borrow novels. I only accept them if it's being given to me, as in, "I'm finished with this, it was good...you can have it now." which happens a lot. I don't really come across anyone that wants a novel back, so it's not something that ever happens tbh.

pictish · 12/10/2015 09:15

If it came down to it and a potential lender was bothered about the spine, I'd buy my own copy rather than worry about it.

pictish · 12/10/2015 09:20

I don't hang on to books either, unless it was a 10 out of 10er, which are few and far between. There are so many great books to read and so little storage space in my house. I give pretty much all of my books away to other people or put them in the recycling.
If I'm not going to read it twice, I don't need the physical form of it as an object cluttering up my house. If we kept hold of every novel we've read we'd be drowning in a sea of paperbacks.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2015 10:09

"...put them in the recycling" - oh the horror Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2015 10:13

Yes get OH to buy you some new ones, I am afraid that you will have to lock away anything when he comes, that you don't want destroyed.

Inertia · 12/10/2015 10:15

Actually, I think it's a really bad idea (possibly even verging on neglect) to teach children that everything in a household is for sharing. The examples of knives and hedge trimmers have been labelled as facetious- but actually, how does a 3 year old know that they shouldn't play with drills and medicine and angle grinders and knives when they have free rein to everything because it's all shared and accessible? And if you are allowing your children to play with this stuff then it is neglect, frankly.

Some things can be shared without risk even with young toddlers, but if you are allowing very young children access to medication and dangerous tools because of the notion that absolutely everything must be shared with everybody then you are playing a very dangerous game. Safety has to be the priority, and sometimes children just have to have stuff locked away from them because they don't understand the dangers.

LyndaNotLinda · 12/10/2015 10:16

You'd hate my house pictish - it's full of books :o

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2015 10:17

yes absolutely, Inertia - viz. the various cases in the USA where small children end up shooting and killing their relatives - siblings, mothers etc.

pictish · 12/10/2015 10:23

My house is full of them as well. But we have enough, so we don't hang on to passers-through any more. I could probably be doing with going through them all and having a clear out.

pictish · 12/10/2015 10:27

They do still manage to build up in piles somehow. Piles I like to habitually reduce in a frenzy of can't-bear-the-clutter-any-more ruthlessness.

I can't be antsy about books, they breed.

AnotherCider · 12/10/2015 10:29

Green - it's ok not to have your own personal things. BUT, you need to make sure you haven't unconsciously pressured your children into feeling the same way. Because it's ALSO ok to have a few treasured items which don't need to be shared. You might want to start checking gently with your DC whether there is anything the have that they would prefer not to share, or to have more control over the sharing of. Not everyone is psychologically capable of fully communal living.

My DS's have their own private drawers under their beds, where they can keep treasured, not to be shared (either at all, or shared only in special circumstances) possessions. But I've made it clear to them that there is no way they get to put ALL their stuff in the not to be shared drawers.

elfycat · 12/10/2015 10:45

I'm glad you're getting a new set of pens from you OH. That's the least he can do. Also make sure you upgrade (OMG the price of some of those sets!!) because perhaps when he has paid for them he'll understand that even a pen has value (the price!!).

I have colouring books and bought 3 that were identical. I have written our names in them and we are not allowed to borrow each others. Sometimes we find the same page and all colour them in (DDs are 6 and 4yo). The books are really good for fine motor skills with a pen. But I have one that was a birthday gift. They know this is mine and they're not allowed to touch it.

They have to ask me before they touch my crochet, they can both do metres and metres of chain, but the hooks and yarn are mine. I rarely say no, and if I do I give a reason why.

DD2 recently drew in one of my notebooks. I have a lot of notebooks (creative writing is my main hobby). They also have notebooks, but DD2 drew a flower picture in one of mine. DH caught her doing it and asked her to go to apologise to me. They have unlimited amounts of paper and they draw nearly every day puts another ream on my shopping list but my plotting notebooks are not for drawing in.

I've always allowed them to pick a single soft toy that is their special one (no more than one a day, you can't change every few minutes) and if the other DD is playing with it and the owner wants it back it has to be given back.

It's not unreasonable for people to have boundaries, including with possessions. It's essential IMO that children have this lesson taught to them, gently and mainly by observing it, from a young age.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/10/2015 12:25

Pictish - I am like you - I am not particularly careful of my books - I put them down splayed, break the spine - all the major anti-book crimes - but I love my books, have lots of them, and re-read them over and over again.

Of course, I wouldn't do this to a book someone had lent me - I would be extremely careful, but my books are for reading and enjoying, not worrying about.

hebihebi · 12/10/2015 13:57

DS loves drawing but he drives me crazy by always leaving the caps off pens. I had to laugh at the person who was horrified at the thought of the OP having to hide things in her own home but my kids are younger. I hide lots of things, pens, scissors, chocolate, money.

I'm glad he will buy you a new set OP. But make sure he gets you a good set not a pack of felt-tips from the Pound shop.

Hygge · 12/10/2015 14:22

It's not loving an object but not engaging with the contents, it's loving both and wanting to take care of it all so it can be enjoyed again and again. Sometimes the content is so wonderful I want to keep it forever and revisit it often.

Perhaps the difference is that you say you don't keep books, or don't keep them for long. I like to re-read, sometimes more than once, so I like to keep the books in good condition and know where they are. Usually I like to keep them for a while because sometimes a story just won't go away, even if I thought I didn't like it, so I like to be certain before I give it away that I won't read it again.

And if I know I'm not bothered about a re-read and I do want to pass them straight on, I like to pass them on in decent condition, not looking fit for the bin.

But I don't keep them all or hoard them, I recently took about a thousand of them to the charity shop, all in good condition, and they were really grateful for them.

And when I'm reading them I am enjoying them, not worrying about them. I only worry when someone else tries to get their less careful, mucky hands on them.

I can actually fall asleep holding a book, not move all night and wake up holding it with the right page still open and not a crease in it. So it's not that I'm consciously fussing over a book I'm reading to keep it in good condition, it's innate, I can't help it. I do it in my sleep Grin

Member29253 · 12/10/2015 14:24

Have a quiet talk with OH when DSS is not with you. Say this is causing a rift in your relationship with both of them. Ask him what he sees as the solution. I'm afraid my OH has similar disrespect for my belongings and some I have to keep well out of his sight. Buy a lockable desk or cupboard and lock your belongings away until they get the message. I have every sympathy with you!

pictish · 12/10/2015 14:41

Exactly - books are for reading and enjoying, not worrying about.
This is going to kill you Hygge and Lynda but when I buy a new book, I fold it back on itself a good few times before starting it (listen to that spine groaning), to make it easier to hold. Shock
I fold the corners down too. Cba with a bookmark. It's just nother thing for me to lose.

Lweji · 12/10/2015 15:29

Surely, it's for each person to decide what to do with the books they read? And whether to read and throw out, or read and keep in good condition.

Swipe left for the next trending thread