AIBU to get him to buy me a whole new set

[alphabettyspaghetty]

So just to give some background... I have been doing adult colouring for a few months now and have amassed myself a really good set of pens which in total have cost me the best part of £50. I keep them under the coffee table with my magazines and my books.

So i have a stepson (8) who comes to us every weekend. He has a wealth of colouring stuff in his bedroom for him to draw etc with -this bit is important as he doesnt look after stuff very well and im always buying him new pens as he ruins them easily. I was away last weekend and my OH is away this weekend so stepson is not here.

I decided tonight to do some colouring and go to my box and there is no pens there. I phoned OH and it conspires he couldn't be bothered to get out stepson's tub of pens so used mine. Except he's not quite sure where they are now... he thinks they are in his bedroom. I am not going to go searching through his room to find my collection. I also suspect DSS would have left lids off and destroyed them.

I am just fed up of sharing everything of mine because OH doesn't want to share his or is too lazy to get something out properly.

Some more examples... my ipad. Dss can't possibly use my OHs ipad so uses mine
.. my laptop... can't quite possibly use OHs laptop so uses mine. My car... Dss isnt allowed food in his dad's car but of course in mine it's ok to give him hot chocolate. (Never did get it out the seat)

I don't mind sharing of course but the pens have tipped me over the edge.

AIBU to get OH to buy me a whole new collection of pens? And not share anything ever again?

YANBU and I'm glad he's buying you a new set. He needs to understand that he shares his possessions not yours with DSS. You choose who to share your possessions with.

I agree that it's important to have some things that aren't shared. I am teaching DD at the minute that some things are 'mummy's things' (keys, expensive jewellery, my musical instrument) and that she is allowed to look but not touch. I would be furious if DH told her 'yes, you can play with mummy's wedding ring but not mine.'

ON the arthritis front OP, lots of sympathy. I am always reluctant to mention this but a friend of mine had severe arthritis which has disappeared since he became vegan. His mother is crippled with arthritis so everyone just shrugged and told him it was hereditary but he was a young guy who was on the verge of being unable to walk. He became veggie first, then cut out dairy, then finally eggs.

I know it's quite a hardcore diet change but I mention it because it has transformed his life. He was in constant pain, took lots of prescription medications and had lots of allergic / inflammatory things going on - stomach problems, psoriasis, headaches. He turned out to have particular problems with dairy, which he ate frequently (apparently we often crave things which we have real problems digesting). In his case it really helped him so it might be worth looking into

Alrighty then.

Ive got an appointment next weekwith the docs to discuss dairy MrsJorah. I also have psoriasis and headaches and Ive started to wonder if dairy is playing a big part as all this has come on from starting slimming world this year (lost 6 stone so far) and eating dairy every day.

This morning is not a good morning I'm in a lot of pain so it will be a sofa day for me.

Yes Greenback because I speak to my children exactly the same way as I speak on an internet forum. But thanks for backing up my earlier statement :)

MrsJorahMormont
may have a point in relation to arthritis.

It may not be your case, but it might be worth looking at how much protein you eat normally.

BTW I would never, ever want to raise a child who expects to be able to play with everything they want.

I think there is a lot of value in teaching children from a young age that they can't actually play with Freddie's special teddy because it is his favourite and it means a lot to him.

I would not go round to a friend's house and expect to be able to play on their work laptop or play with their phone or expensive camera so children should learn from a young age that just because they want to play with something doesn't mean the person who owns it is under any obligation to let them.

I would also hate not to have any personal items in my house. The thought of sharing everything I own makes me twitch.

Greenback I understand your point about leading by example but I think it is fine to have some things that are special to you and so aren't used by everyone. It's not a double standard rather a bit of private space in a well functioning family. I think the key to it is how the family function as a whole. The OP partner seems to be happy to let her things get used and his not. That's not a healthy balance.

alphabetty because I know how exhausting chronic pain is. I hope you have a restful day.

My DS wants to have a go with my electric hedgetrimmer Greenback. Should I share that with him? No, of course not.

Actually on a less facetious note, I think it's really important that children and adults are allowed to have things that are just theirs and that they don't have to share. Their favourite teddy, their personal possessions, their body. It's quite dangerous teaching children that other people's wants and needs always trump their own.

Off topic here, alphabetty have you tried hot wax dips for your hands?

My DM is crippled wjth rheumatoid arthritis and the wax dips bring her a lot of relief. My friend, a rheumatologist, regularly recommends them to her patients. The pain relief benefits can last up to 2 months.

Greenback sharing is not compulsury, that's why it's sharing.

How many threads have been on here over the years with an op at their wits end and in tears over something because they feel they can't or shouldn't say no?

Anothercider. .. no never heard of it. I'll add it to the list of things to try. I've had a massage which the next day I was so crippled I couldn't get dressed so that's pointless. I've got a hydrotherapy session booked in in 2 weeks time. And a private pilates session booked in. I'll add hot wax treatment too :)

I have not said sharing is compulsory. I have said I share all my possessions with the family as did my parents with me. Sharing is about letting others share with you and taking turns and respecting the things being shared. It is not about snatching, forcing yourself on others or disregarding safety (as per the ridiculous examples above from lynda of gardening equipment and paedophiles. The OP was about sharing pencils. The OP has expanded adding other facts and details. My position throughout the thread and in RL is that I always share everything (save for my own body to sexual deviants and dangerous equipment with my children unless under strict supervision/item can be used safely by them if shown).

Oh, and mobilty benefits, too.

Even the early years foundation stage states that children have to learn that some things are theirs, some are shared and some belong to other people. It seems there are a few adults who also need to learn this. It is an important life skill.

It's not sharing though is it, it's about a partner and a dad saying to both his partner and child that his car, belongings a far more important then theirs.

The fact the child told his dad that he was not to use OP pens as they were her special pens show that the 8 yr old has more concern about OP belongings then his dad.

In a bit late to the party but don't think you have been U at all OP, 'sharing' and have someone use and damage your property when you're not there are two completely different things.

I'm with the OP, I have expensive pens and pencils, and there is no way I'd share them. They're mine, and frankly I share quite enough already, tyvm.

Teaching children to share is a good thing. Sending the message that one should share everything is not. Children also need to learn boundaries, and that they cannot have everything. Learning that some items belong purely to one person, and are not to be used by anyone else is a good starting point. To expect to share everything is ridiculous, and sending the wrong message.

Is GreenBack seriously suggesting that everything must be shared and that no-one is allowed personal items just for themselves?

Hope Green's family enjoy the family vibrator, family gin and family sharp knives, that all the adults, toddlers, kids and teens must have equal access to at all times!

I can't believe nobody, in this ridiculous squabble about how much stuff you share, has mentioned The Bedside Drawer as yet.

I have a good friend who was raised to share absolutely everything and she says it really scarred her because she never felt anything was hers. She'd have s favourite board game or book, a friend would come over and say they liked it and her parents would press it upon that friend irrespective of her wishes. She lives alone now, very much by choice. Her territory. Her things.

OP this is a little tangential but not really: your DSS is over once a fortnight and that's all, and your DP spends his time playing games on his iPad? I'm not saying one should entertain children all the time, but it really sounds like this kid wants company and is getting ignored or brushed off to technological babysitters. Or am I reaching? I guess I just think wow, your DP is pretty much willing to take the easiest route out of everything. How is he with you when your pain is bad? Does he look after you?

I haven't said that everything must be shared at all times. I have said I allow the children access to all my stuff as did my parents with me. I know how to share, how to respect others and am able to function well in society. Being happy to share hasn't caused me any problems and I don't see why so many on here are so concerned about having their own things they don't share. Maybe possessions aren't that important to me? It's never been an issue in RL until I read all the other people's posts and discovered I am in the minority and apparently that warrants abuse and being sworn at followed by sarcasm. I don't view the kitchen equipment as mine so knives etc are all the families. Seems kids still have all limbs and digits so I must be doing something right.

I agree. To each their own though - so long as Greenback's kids know the share-everything rule only applies to their own household, I don't see the harm.
However, to stubbornly profess to finding the concept having personal items that are not communal, 'alien' is extreme and not helpful.
Most people have personal items that are not for the sticky mitts of two year olds.

Tortoise

DSS is with us every weekend from Friday till Sunday. It used to be Friday till Monday and I'd take him to school but with recent events this has been stopped as I sometimes can't manage myself let alone get a small child dressed and in the car.

I don't think your over reacting about the technical babysitters as sometimes I turn the tv off and say no more tv for today and they go off and do something.

I'm fairly independent still and hate having things done for me. So on a bad day I still push myself to get our of bed and get on with things. I don't want people doing things for me. Oh says I'm stubborn. But I figure there might come a point where OH wants to go away (like this weekend) sp I need to learn to cope on my own.

It's not teaching double standards at all. I wouldn't want my kids growing up to think that all of my stuff was free rein.
What about their stuff? Does that mean none of their stuff is just theirs?
I have dangerous items my house, cosemetics, medications i wouldn't want my kids to
Think it were acceptable to think it were ok to go through it.
I certainly wouldn't be giving them items that could easily be broken.
You may also have kept your posts clean, however your first post was just rude to the op.

Tortoise You sound like me! I hate having things done for me! I end up struggling than let my partner help me!

I've only read the first page of the thread so may be saying what's been said fifty times already: based on what you write, your OH doesn't appear to accord you or your property the same respect as his own. Not on. Everyone shares equally (and not that version of "equal" where some are more equal than others), or failing that, you have the right to be equally as unsharing with your own stuff. The latter isn't ideal since two wrongs don't make a right, but if it's the only way to get your OH to properly understand the concept of sharing, then it's a strategy to try. Not one to live by, if you can help it, since it really only punishes the boy most of all.

Last thing: Why we can't all have a thing that is personally ours, without that being seen as selfish? I wholeheartedly support your right to have a Precious Thing that you hog. Kids have their own Precious Things. Adults get the same. As long as the boundaries are clear and no one is caught by surprise that it's suddenly yours as of right now, this second, then enjoy the fuck out of it and everyone else can keep their dirty mitts off.