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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get him to buy me a whole new set

177 replies

alphabettyspaghetty · 10/10/2015 22:13

So just to give some background... I have been doing adult colouring for a few months now and have amassed myself a really good set of pens which in total have cost me the best part of £50. I keep them under the coffee table with my magazines and my books.

So i have a stepson (8) who comes to us every weekend. He has a wealth of colouring stuff in his bedroom for him to draw etc with -this bit is important as he doesnt look after stuff very well and im always buying him new pens as he ruins them easily. I was away last weekend and my OH is away this weekend so stepson is not here.

I decided tonight to do some colouring and go to my box and there is no pens there. I phoned OH and it conspires he couldn't be bothered to get out stepson's tub of pens so used mine. Except he's not quite sure where they are now... he thinks they are in his bedroom. I am not going to go searching through his room to find my collection. I also suspect DSS would have left lids off and destroyed them.

I am just fed up of sharing everything of mine because OH doesn't want to share his or is too lazy to get something out properly.

Some more examples... my ipad. Dss can't possibly use my OHs ipad so uses mine
.. my laptop... can't quite possibly use OHs laptop so uses mine. My car... Dss isnt allowed food in his dad's car but of course in mine it's ok to give him hot chocolate. (Never did get it out the seat)

I don't mind sharing of course but the pens have tipped me over the edge.

AIBU to get OH to buy me a whole new collection of pens? And not share anything ever again?

OP posts:
HellKitty · 11/10/2015 06:53

I'd go batshit crazy about my pens. I have a lot of technical drawing pens and I nearly fainted when DP was writing out something once with one of them - and pressing too hard!! Hyperventilating slightly.

YANBU about that but do need to talk to your DP about boundaries and why your stuff is a free for all and his isn't.

Fratelli · 11/10/2015 07:03

Your oh should buy you a new set yes. Nobody should use your belongings without asking, that's just basic manners. Sharing is important but taking someone's stuff without permission is poor behaviour imo.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/10/2015 07:12

Why do you put up with this shitty behaviour?

TheDailyWail · 11/10/2015 07:27

YANBU. My 8 yo daughter doesn't care for her own stuff. There's no way that I would let her use my stuff.

I think getting your OH to pay for a new set may well go some way towards learning why it's not on!

HellKitty · 11/10/2015 07:35

www.amazon.co.uk/Letraset-ProMarker-Student-Designer-colours/dp/B00E2VQZNO

There you go! Get him to buy you that along with a pink sparkly box (my DSs wouldn't touch anything pink - don't nag me for gender stereotypes, they just wouldn't) that you can lock away.

Lweji · 11/10/2015 07:53

I'll skip over what I think about being so precious about adult colouring

For the rest YANBU. It's his son and if your OH is not prepared to be so careful with your things as he is with yours, then I'm afraid I'd stop letting him use them for his son. Tell him why. Then, install passwords and every single time reply that you're afraid it's not possible to use yours because you're about to. (Except if you are alone with the boy in which case is fine to let him use it)
I'd also suggest both play a game. It looks like most times the boy wants to do the same as dad and it would be a good father-son activity to share.
Which brings us to the point as why is he playing games alone if his son is visiting?

Are you married?
Because such disregard for your stuff in relation to his is not good news. Does he normally show the same disrespect and lack of care towards you? Even if so, I'd pay attention. This could be a red flag for when he feels safer with you.

And he should buy the laptop for his son if he has problems with the boy using his.

Senpai · 11/10/2015 07:57

Ooh, if we're throwing suggestions...

Go for gold OP:
www.amazon.co.uk/Copic-Set-Marker-Pack-72/dp/B000MRR3VA/ref=sr_1_12?s=officeproduct&ie=UTF8&qid=1444546515&sr=1-12&keywords=copic+markers

Grin

No but seriously... if you are serious about coloring, these markers are worth the price. It's almost like water color but with pens.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/10/2015 07:58

Yanbu. Your OH is the problem. Calmly explain that you expect your stuff to be restored in original condition to its original place and he can do that via Amazon prime if needs be.

Lweji · 11/10/2015 07:59

Also, make him go on his hands and knees.
Finding your pens is the least he can do, then buy you a new set.
And offer a heartfelt apology.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/10/2015 08:01

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B004MYOT4S/ref=pd_aw_sbs_229_6?ie=UTF8&refRID=12Y2Z74KK6BX8YDPYET4

This lot come in a box so would be easier to lock away...

NoMilkNoSugar · 11/10/2015 08:08

YANBU. It is important to teach children to share, but it's also important to teach them that they are not entitled to everything and sometimes property belongs to other people. But I think the main problem is your OP, hit him where it hurts in his pocket, after he has crawled round on his hands and knees and recovered the pens from DSS's bedroom.

HellKitty · 11/10/2015 08:11

Ooh, if we're throwing suggestions...

Go for gold OP:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Copic-Set-Marker-Pack-72/dp/B000MRR3VA/ref=sr11_12?s=officeproduct&ie=UTF8&qid=1444546515&sr=1-12&keywords=copic+markers

Ooooooooh that's my Christmas sorted!

diddl · 11/10/2015 08:43

So apart from the pens when you weren't there, do you never say anything?

It is disrespectful to you although if you are a family, does it matter if ss uses your ipad or laptop as long as you aren't using them and he is careful?

Re your car-well that's for you to also have a no food rule if you wish, not your OH to decide.

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 08:47

I think you need to have a very serious discussion with your partner as to why he gives you and your possessions so little respect Sad

Will be interesting to be told his reactions when he has to order and pay for replacement pens.

Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 09:02

So we have a update.

I had a bit of a text row with OH last night after he finally admitted that DSS didn't want to use my pens and knew they were mine but Oh carried on regardless and told him I wouldn't mind.

The reason DSS can't get his own out is because they are on a shelf in his room. He has a tendency to draw in his room in the mornings but then takes the pen to other things like walls and furniture. So the pen box has been removed to a shelf and he needs to ask for them until he can be trusted not to drawer tiny circles all over our freshly wallpapered hall.

Anyway OH has said he will go through DSS room and find the pens when he's back today and get me a new set anyway. I'm liking the suggestions of pens so thank you I will bear that in mind.

I'm also going to have a chat with him when he gets home about boundaries and respect of other people's stuff. I know he will throw it in my face because at times I've accidentally thrown something away of his but immediately offered to replace it. But ill try.

In the meantime I'm going to think about a tablet or laptop for DSS (with insurance!) For christmas. He can then have as many apps as he wants on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 09:05

Diddl

No I have no problem him using my ipad if he's careful. He has some educational games on it which he likes and some racing games... I just wish it was fairer.

My OH seems to think his laptop and ipad is for his use only.. I'm not even allowed to use it half the time.

OP posts:
clam · 11/10/2015 09:14

He's 8 years old and can't be trusted not to draw on walls and furniture??? Shock

clam · 11/10/2015 09:16

"I just wish it was fairer."

It can be fairer - if you stand up for yourself with your dp and insist he changes his attitudes.

Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 09:22

Clam. .. its going to be fairer. I'm putting my foot down.
And yes he drew on my dressing table a few months back. We have a few issues as he's very immature for his age (or what i suspect a 8 year old is like) but that's another thread. I want to inspire maturity in him but not at the expense of newly decorated walls as we're trying to sell the house.

He is a very thoughtful boy in all other senses and I don't want to change him. The other day I had pains going through my ankles and I couldn't stand. So without prompting he went upstairs and got down my slippers a blanket and then got me a drink and told me he'd take care of me.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 11/10/2015 09:23

Personally, I'd be a bit concerned about what sort of inappropriate things your OH is viewing on his laptop and iPad that he doesn't want you or his ds to stumble across!

diddl · 11/10/2015 09:25

"he finally admitted that DSS didn't want to use my pens and knew they were mine but Oh carried on regardless and told him I wouldn't mind."

"he went upstairs and got down my slippers a blanket and then got me a drink and told me he'd take care of me."

He sounds lovely.

If only his dad was as thoughtful!

pictish · 11/10/2015 09:26

Yeah your OH is a dick. Not only do you have this issue with the inequality in your respective belongings' perceived worth, but you already know that when you try to discuss it with him, he will 'throw it back in your face'. You obviously have experience of challenging him on his behaviour before then.

He throws it back in your face to keep you in your place, which is beneath him. Don't let his outrage/temper/accusations/self righteousness win the day. If his devices are so damn precious, then so the fuck are yours. He can buy his son a device of his own if he can't bear to share can't he?
Point being, he's a self important knob and if anyone needs put in their rightful place it's him. So do it.

pictish · 11/10/2015 09:43

Mind you, that's he offered to buy a new set is quite encouraging.
Now is the time to have it all out. Tell him how disrespectful he has been in regarding your belongings as 'less than'. Articulate it in calm, clear terms.
Any reasonable person would feel shame at having been such an arse. If he doesn't...if he tries to turn it back on you, gets angry, brings up trivia from the past to beat you with or tells you that you're overreacting/starting an argument/mental/a nag, you have your answer.
He is not a good man and there's nothing you can do to make him become one.

DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 09:45

In the meantime I'm going to think about a tablet or laptop for DSS (with insurance!) For christmas. He can then have as many apps as he wants on it.

FFS - don't do this!

GreenbackBoogie · 11/10/2015 09:46

All of you who don't share do you still expect your children to share their possessions with siblings and friends? How do you teach sharing if you don't share? Or is it just double standards?