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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get him to buy me a whole new set

177 replies

alphabettyspaghetty · 10/10/2015 22:13

So just to give some background... I have been doing adult colouring for a few months now and have amassed myself a really good set of pens which in total have cost me the best part of £50. I keep them under the coffee table with my magazines and my books.

So i have a stepson (8) who comes to us every weekend. He has a wealth of colouring stuff in his bedroom for him to draw etc with -this bit is important as he doesnt look after stuff very well and im always buying him new pens as he ruins them easily. I was away last weekend and my OH is away this weekend so stepson is not here.

I decided tonight to do some colouring and go to my box and there is no pens there. I phoned OH and it conspires he couldn't be bothered to get out stepson's tub of pens so used mine. Except he's not quite sure where they are now... he thinks they are in his bedroom. I am not going to go searching through his room to find my collection. I also suspect DSS would have left lids off and destroyed them.

I am just fed up of sharing everything of mine because OH doesn't want to share his or is too lazy to get something out properly.

Some more examples... my ipad. Dss can't possibly use my OHs ipad so uses mine
.. my laptop... can't quite possibly use OHs laptop so uses mine. My car... Dss isnt allowed food in his dad's car but of course in mine it's ok to give him hot chocolate. (Never did get it out the seat)

I don't mind sharing of course but the pens have tipped me over the edge.

AIBU to get OH to buy me a whole new collection of pens? And not share anything ever again?

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 11/10/2015 09:47

YANBU. Your partner has no respect for your belongings and is clearly instilling the same attitude in his DS.

YABU for doing adult colouring though.

pictish · 11/10/2015 09:48

Don't be obtuse. Obviously some things are for sharing/family use, while others are personal items. We all have personal items.
That I don't let my kids in about my own art supplies, has not turned my kids into red-eyed grasping monsters that won't share.
Sheesh!

Lweji · 11/10/2015 09:52

Green
It's not that people don't share. It's the inequality of "sharing" between the OP and her OH.

Even if it was my own child and my own husband, I'd be Angry if he thought only my stuff was ok to share (or ruin) but not his.

(I only have one laptop between me and my DS and we share with no problems)

HSMMaCM · 11/10/2015 09:55

I bought DD (16) a colouring book and some good colouring pens for Christmas. She loves them and even though DH and I paid for them, we wouldn't dream of touching them. She keeps them in a particular order and is gentle on the tips. It's all about respect for things which are special, while still sharing family possessions.

pictish · 11/10/2015 09:59

Of course. It's about respecting one another's autonomy. Recognising boundaries...applying manners and being considerate. All valuable traits to instill in your children, along with being able to share when it is appropriate to do so.
Some things are for sharing, some are not. It is quite simple.

Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 10:00

I think for me the pens signify the one thing left that I can do myself... well until my right hand goes :( my left is already there. My OH is a keen cyclist and I was until earlier this year so I've had to get rid of my bike. I love aqua Zumba but had to stop that and my dance classes until I get all this body joint stuff under control. So now I'm stuck with swimming or drawing/colouring as a hobby.

I am going to talk to him when he gets home and will update you all tonight.

OP posts:
clam · 11/10/2015 10:01

FFS, green, that's not what's happening here. I share all sorts of things with my kids, and they with each other, but I get bloody pissed off when dd "borrows" my expensive makeup without asking, and then invariably wrecks it, or doesn't put it back in my drawer so I have to go hunting in her tip of a room for it.
That's nothing to do with sharing, but everything to do with being inconsiderate. We're still working on it here with dd! Angry

Debinaround · 11/10/2015 10:07

But Green you can't expect people to share everything. I have a jewellery box with a few expensive rings and necklaces in that my mam left me when she died. I wouldn't share that with my kids or let them play dress up with them.

Also if one of my sons saved up his pocket money for months to buy something special there, is no way I would force him to share it with his little brother if he didn't want to.

That's not being spiteful.

GreenbackBoogie · 11/10/2015 10:12

I don't know why I have to be sworn at for saying I share. I am not being 'goady' I have been polite on all my posts. I am genuinely surprised at the comments on here. I am going to ask my friends about sharing with their children. When I was growing up my parents allowed us to share everything of theirs and I am sure my brother's household is the same. It is completely alien to me for everything not to be shared. My DC2 is only 2 years old and knows how to respect belongings. Other than 1 car key which was dropped in a puddle accidentally I can't think of anything the children have ever broken or destroyed. None of them ever wrote on walls. My DC1 aged 5 years is currently playing with valuable (in monetary terms) science equipment belong to DH and none of us would consider telling him to stop as he knows to be careful with it. Anyway, I accept I am in the minority in the MN world.

clam · 11/10/2015 10:20

You're not being sworn at for saying you share. But you seem to think that the rest of us disagree with sharing as good practice when we don't. We just disagree that the OP should sit back and be cool with the fact that her dp has allowed his son to wreck her belongings because he couldn't be arsed to police things properly. Your kids might be wonderful and careful with things, but the OP's dss doesn't appear to be quite the same, so she's dealing with a different scenario.
And the point here is that she has been sharing her ipad and laptop, but the boy's own father has not. So he's sharing on her behalf.

ohtheholidays · 11/10/2015 10:23

OP YANBU,you sound really nice and from what you've said it sounds like your DSS really loves you.Your OH on the other hand is being an arse,your readyness to let your DSS use almost everything of yours makes it sound like DSS is your child and like OH is the step parent,he needs to think about what message that is sending to his own son.

The immaturity emotionally and in his behavior could stem alot from your OH's relationship with him.There's a saying that bad attention is better than no attention at all when it comes to children and it's very true,you'll find almost all children will do something they know they shouldn't if it means just getting some attention from a parent that feels emotionally and physically unavailable to a child.

If your OH changes his relationship with his son into something positive he'll start seeing a big change in his son's behavior.Right now your OH is showing his son and you that the most importat relationship to him is the one he has with himself and that the most important person to him is him!

I'm really sorry about you finding out you have arthiritis,I'm riddled with it now and I know how bloody awful it can make you feel,I hope your Dr's get you on some good pain meds to help.I've been using voltarol gel and it's been working alot better and alot quicker than any painkillers I've been put on.

ohtheholidays · 11/10/2015 10:24

Good luck with the chat OP.Flowers

LyndaNotLinda · 11/10/2015 10:26

Well aren't your children just perfect Greenback Hmm

Good for you for standing up for yourself OP. YANBU

Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 10:30

Ontheholidays
Thanks I'm currently on both diclofenac and methotrexate... it just takes ages to work. I can't have the voltaic stuff because of taking diclofenac but when I stop that I can.

I think I need to work on their relationship and ensuring respect within our house.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/10/2015 10:30

I fully agree with ohtheholidays

It looks like your DSS is mostly trying to get his dad's attention.

He needs to step up as a parent, as well as a partner.

pictish · 11/10/2015 10:31

Wiping the vaseline back off the lens for a moment Greenback, the OP's situation is quite different from yours. Her dss is not careful and does break things.
As a result, his dad won't hand over his belongings...but sees OP's as fair game for a trashing.

In every scenario it's a fuck-that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/10/2015 10:31

GreenbackBoogie
"All of you who don't share do you still expect your children to share their possessions with siblings and friends? How do you teach sharing if you don't share? Or is it just double standards?"

Like the majority of people I share, but there are certain things that I don't share, either because they are unsuitable, expensive or (just sometimes) because they are mine.

I have paints and brushes that cost a huge amount to replace, so I don't share them with anybody and I have household/car tools that are the same.

Notimefortossers · 11/10/2015 10:37

Greenback You're a dick. There I said it :) Perfectly happy for MNHQ to delete, but I just needed to get it out there for us all :)

GreenbackBoogie · 11/10/2015 10:37

Good balanced argument from you there Lynda Confused My point is not my children and their behaviour. My point is sharing should be normal behaviour and almost every poster here has made it plain they have possessions they do not share and justify not sharing by pointing to their destructive family members. I have explained that most children are capable of sharing and using items appropriately. Maybe trusting children to share would be a better way to go than having 'family items' and 'personal items'. Given some on here cannot comment without swearing, sarcasm or being rude it is hardly surprising they cannot lead by example and teach their children how to behave. OP I wish you the best of luck with your art equipment and hope that the situation will be resolved for you.

DisappointedOne · 11/10/2015 10:39

In DD (5)'s closest circle of friends we've never forced them to share - they came to it naturally as toddlers, learning that wanting something doesn't mean they can have it before someone else has finished with it etc - and also that some things are special to people. So when given a present with lots of parts at her birthday DD was entitled to share everything, share nothing - as it was special to her - or a combination of the 2. (She chose to share and when she wanted all the bits back the children gave them up willingly because they understood it was hers.)

Feels about right to me.

Original poster
alphabettyspaghetty · 11/10/2015 10:40

Thanks Greenback I do appreciate all views on here whether they think I'm being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/10/2015 10:44

One of the problems with sharing, in the OP's case seems to largely be lack of supervision.

Had the father actually been with the child, he would know what happened to the pens and where they were.

The same with stuff I share with DS. If things are precious to me, I supervise when he uses them.

Again, all the problems go back to your OH, alphabettyspaghetty.

GreenbackBoogie · 11/10/2015 10:44

disappointedone we never forced either. Just led by example. Sounds like by behaving as you have your daughter and her friends have learnt how to behave appropriately and how to share and respect each other and possessions. notime would have taught his/her DC to swear and be abusive at someone who wanted to share adding nothing meaningful to the debate but showing themselves to be aggressive, rude, and lacking in vocabulary.

Verypissedoffwife · 11/10/2015 10:46

greenback do you seriously share everything? I'll share most things but have quite a few things I will not share :
Make up
Expensive jewellery
Molton Brown bath Salts
My work laptop

Sallystyle · 11/10/2015 10:47

My pencils are Fabers and cost over £100

I would be pissed off to the extreme if DH allowed our children to use them. They are mine, they are not toys, they are an expensive item for a hobby that helps relaxes me when I am feeling anxious and I also just really enjoy it.

I would expect an 8 year old to be able to look after their stuff as well though.

All of you who don't share do you still expect your children to share their possessions with siblings and friends? How do you teach sharing if you don't share? Or is it just double standards?

Actually, I don't agree with making children share everything at all. I think it is wrong when parents make their children share everything with friends and siblings just because it is seen as the polite thing to do. My children share most things because they are happy to but there have been plenty of stuff through the years which are really special to them which I have told them they don't need to share. It's normal and healthy to have some items that you want just for yourself, no matter your age.

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