Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to get him to buy me a whole new set

177 replies

alphabettyspaghetty · 10/10/2015 22:13

So just to give some background... I have been doing adult colouring for a few months now and have amassed myself a really good set of pens which in total have cost me the best part of £50. I keep them under the coffee table with my magazines and my books.

So i have a stepson (8) who comes to us every weekend. He has a wealth of colouring stuff in his bedroom for him to draw etc with -this bit is important as he doesnt look after stuff very well and im always buying him new pens as he ruins them easily. I was away last weekend and my OH is away this weekend so stepson is not here.

I decided tonight to do some colouring and go to my box and there is no pens there. I phoned OH and it conspires he couldn't be bothered to get out stepson's tub of pens so used mine. Except he's not quite sure where they are now... he thinks they are in his bedroom. I am not going to go searching through his room to find my collection. I also suspect DSS would have left lids off and destroyed them.

I am just fed up of sharing everything of mine because OH doesn't want to share his or is too lazy to get something out properly.

Some more examples... my ipad. Dss can't possibly use my OHs ipad so uses mine
.. my laptop... can't quite possibly use OHs laptop so uses mine. My car... Dss isnt allowed food in his dad's car but of course in mine it's ok to give him hot chocolate. (Never did get it out the seat)

I don't mind sharing of course but the pens have tipped me over the edge.

AIBU to get OH to buy me a whole new collection of pens? And not share anything ever again?

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 11/10/2015 12:36

And yes. He should buy you a whole new set.

Lweji · 11/10/2015 12:41

Another thing about sharing, is that anyone who wants to use my stuff is supposed to ask first. Not just use it without my explicit permission.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 11/10/2015 12:46

Nothing wrong with Green sharing everything with her children (bet she doesn't in reality though), but everything wrong with her judging the rest of us for not doing so. ALmost everyone has posessions that are important to them and not for sharing with everyone else, its the norm.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/10/2015 12:47

GreenbackBoogie - if one of your children's friends always broke their things when your do lent them, would you insist that they should still share with that friend, or would you tell them that they have the right to say 'No' to having their possessions trashed?

I agree with you that sharing is a good thing to encourage, but borrowing something comes with the responsibility to take care of the borrowed item. IMO, if someone is not taking that responsibility, they don't have the right to expect others to share with them.

Can you also see the inequity in the OP's dh refusing to share his important/valuable things with his careless Ds, but being perfectly happy to insist that the OP's equally important/valuable stuff is fair game for sharing with someone who doesn't take care of things?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/10/2015 12:48

Bum. First sentence should read "...always broke their things when your dc lent them..."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2015 12:48

Alphabetty - I'm glad your OH has said he'll buy you a new set, I was even more disgusted with his attitude when your DSS said he shouldn't play with your pens and your OH pretty much made him because he CBA to go and get the proper ones, that's outrageous!!

Your DSS, otoh, sounds like a sweetie, even if he does still draw places he shouldn't (and I agree, at 8, that really shouldn't be happening - does he do it through stress? I have a friends whose DD2 draws on things to relieve stress, but she is currently under investigation for some kind of ASD, so it might not be relevant).

Also, PMing you.

LyndaNotLinda · 11/10/2015 12:50

Greenback - possessions may not be important to you but they are important to the OP. And that's what's at issue here - not how you do things in your house. I really don't believe that it's beyond your wit to understand that not everyone feels the same way you do.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/10/2015 12:53

Oh every weekend is different. Never mind my cats-bum re the iPad then, I was thinking if they hardly saw one another I'd expect more interaction that's all. As you were.

clam · 11/10/2015 13:05

So, greenback, when your dcs get older and flat-share with friends, how well do you think it will go down when they help themselves to other people's food from the fridge/cupboard? I hope you're teaching them about acceptable boundaries where others are concerned? It's obvious from this thread that not everyone has the same free-for-all attitude regarding possessions that you have.

And I think it's clear that the OP has been sharing her possessions, but has drawn the line this time, as it's become clear that her dp is lending them out because he won't share his own, AND, because her precious pens hadn't been put back where they should be, and in a fit state for use. That's unacceptable on any account, but even worse because of her health issues.

Lweji · 11/10/2015 13:11

Yes, clam, the actions of the OH amount to giving away the OP's pens, not sharing or lending them.

pictish · 11/10/2015 13:11

I think Greenback has missed specific and relevant nuances in this scenario because she is simply focused on telling us all how it's done. Smile

Lweji · 11/10/2015 13:20

I'm fully expecting her children to be wearing her jewellery and phone to school next.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 11/10/2015 13:20

I personally do not believe children should be able to share everything owned by the parents, but in this OP the pressing issue is the husband's assumption that him and his possessions are of more importance than his wife's. It says a lot about him.

Deffo insist on a new set, OP, and keep your cherished stuff under lock and key. And don't listen to the child-worshipers like Green.

pictish · 11/10/2015 13:27

And if she finds the concept of personal items 'alien' what the hell are her kids like visiting other people's houses? Shock Wink

Or maybe it's that she does understand perfectly well and she's just full of herself.

goawayalready · 11/10/2015 13:45

put a passlock on your ipad and laptop and suggest dh gets his son one of his own to play with at your house

glad he is replacing your pens but he has serious boundary issues

TendonQueen · 11/10/2015 15:01

He sounds as if he puts you in a category with his son where neither of you are as important as him. Women and children share stuff, he gets to have his own which no one else touches. Also, you seem to take a lot of responsibility for childcare and associated arrangements. For example, now your arthritis is bad, your DSS going to school from your house on a Monday has stopped. Why can't his dad do it? It's one day. In his shoes, I would be asking my boss if I could have a flexible start time one day a week, on Mondays (or even every other week) so that I could take my son to school. But apparently, if you can't do it, it doesn't happen.

DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 16:09

And if she finds the concept of personal items 'alien' what the hell are her kids like visiting other people's houses?

Perhaps they haven't got their own houses, and share them between them. Perhaps they all live in a commune?

Or.

Perhaps it isn't Green on here, but one of her kids typing for her and in reality, Green is totally for having own possessions, she's just been pwned.

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 16:20

I was wondering if it's PA that you've got Sad my dh has this and fortunately it responded quickly to methotrexate as it was diagnosed and treated quickly at the first flair up.

I would look a lot at your diet, ensure your Vit D levels are suitably high and keep your stress levels as low as you can.

On the sharing front my dds shared almost everything but they were also taught that some things are very special to others and they needed to respect that - mainly their comforters and long awaited gifts whilst they are still new. They are actually very good at sharing, generous and pretty good at taking care of things. I think the fact your dss didn't want to use them speaks volumes.

Good luck with sorting your dp's attitude out Flowers

Hygge · 11/10/2015 17:08

DS is a reasonably generous child, and we've taught him that it's nice to share and be shared with.

But I'm not going to teach him it's compulsory.

He's always been very careful with his stuff, and so as a result he has some fairly advanced and expensive lego sets, he's had an iPad since he was two, and he has some inexpensive but precious things that he values and takes care of.

These things are put away when certain friends visit, because they are not careful or generous themselves. The lego would be in bits and scattered everywhere and lost, the iPad would be in their not-so-careful possession and DS wouldn't get a look in, the other stuff wouldn't be looked after. In one case something was taken, either accidentally or purposefully. I've heard one of them telling DS he can't have a turn on his own iPad because "I'm the visitor and you've got to share so you can't have it" and I put a stop to that very quickly.

If other people's children are not capable of being as careful as DS, it's not up to him or me to teach them how to take care of his expensive or treasured things by forcing him to share them.

I've explained to DS that he can share if he wants to, and his nature is one that sharing comes naturally, but I've also explained that if someone else is not as careful or as kind or as gentle as he is, he can say no to sharing.

He also understands that other people may not want to share their own things with him in the same way. It's nice if they do, it's their choice if they don't want to.

I've learned the hard way that there's nothing wrong with refusing to share. I read a lot and have a large collection of books. None of them are collectors items but some of them are old, some are irreplaceable, all of them are important to me.

For the past few years I've flat out refused to lend books to anyone other than my mother (she takes care of them and gives them back) because of the state they come back in, if they come back at all. I've had them returned filthy, with coffee cup stains on the cover and great dirty smears of food and god knows what else inside them, pages torn or folded, or pages falling out. MIL has bloody well sold my books in the past and then been surprised that I've minded. To add insult to injury, she'd insisted on borrowing them in the first place, not read them, and then sold them because she was "fed up of the clutter" and they were just sitting about in her way.

I don't lend anyone a book anymore. I'll give a book away to you if I don't want it anymore, I'll buy you your own copy if I like you enough, but if it's a book I want to keep and you didn't give birth to me, you're not borrowing it from me. In return, I won't ask to borrow books from you either.

DS is probably my next exception. He's very careful with books, always has been even as a baby and toddler, and has been told he can read anything of mine he wants if he thinks he's able to understand it and can read it to himself. This arrangement came about when he was four and wanted me to read Doctor Sleep to him. I drew the line at reading my four year old Stephen King as a bedtime story but I mean it, when he feels ready and able to read it himself he can do it. Because I know he'll take care of it.

Sharing is important but so is learning how to respect your own and other people's possessions and appreciating that people have the right to keep things as they want them. And also learning that there are boundaries and you are not entitled to help yourself to anything/everything that belongs to other people, even if you ask nicely, nor are you obligated to let all and sundry loose on your own stuff if you don't want to.

It's thinking like that that causes the threads on here about borrowed money never being paid back or so-called friends expecting people to give them the earth for nothing (Bridezilla's, lift-sharers from hell, people borrowing stuff and then selling it on ebay, etc).

OP your DP needs to be a bit more generous with his own stuff and a bit less free at loaning out yours. He doesn't let his son set foot in his car?

LyndaNotLinda · 11/10/2015 18:27

Hygge - book fistbump. My family always say it looks like I haven't read my books because I treat them with such care (never break a spine, always use a bookmark, never fold down pages). I lend to my sister and my mum - no one else.

Senpai · 11/10/2015 20:13

I haven't said that everything must be shared at all times. I have said I allow the children access to all my stuff as did my parents with me. I know how to share, how to respect others and am able to function well in society. Being happy to share hasn't caused me any problems and I don't see why so many on here are so concerned about having their own things they don't share. Maybe possessions aren't that important to me? It's never been an issue in RL until I read all the other people's posts and discovered I am in the minority and apparently that warrants abuse and being sworn at followed by sarcasm. I don't view the kitchen equipment as mine so knives etc are all the families. Seems kids still have all limbs and digits so I must be doing something right.

My parents had their own things, both me and DB had our own things. Then there were community house items that belonged to everyone. I didn't grow up dysfunctional and unable to share.

I have my things, DH has his things, DD has her things, and we share community items and toys (which my funkos ARE mine, but I don't mind DD getting enjoyment out of them). While DD is only 18 months, she has never had a problem being possessive about her stuff when playing with other children or throwing a fit if they grab if from their hands, because she knows that certain things that are hers that we will not let other children touch and she is secure with that. I think it makes a big difference to let kids know that certain toys are off limits to everyone unless they say so, and others are for sharing.

I just don't see the need to share everything. Maybe respecting people's personal space is important to me?

viciousknid · 11/10/2015 23:08

your step son borrowed your colouring in pens and now you want a brand new set? grow up

Lweji · 11/10/2015 23:11

Do RTFT. Even the FOP.
As grown ups do.

PogoBob · 11/10/2015 23:18

viciousknid (apt name by the way) have you read any of the thread or just pick out the odd line of the opening post and jumped straight in!!

Tigger365 · 11/10/2015 23:50

OP, you are VVNBU, I have ocd and have major issues when my DH borrows a pen and leaves it lying around. However I now suspect I am being VVV U to want a set of every one recommended....expensive Xmas for DH lol