Partner wants me to pay for petrol

[popmama1]

My OH has a car (that FIL bought him and MIL pays the insurance on) and wants me to pay for petrol if he takes me anywhere in it. Bearing in mind the only time he really drives me anywhere is to the supermarket where I pay for all the food shopping and his fags and then back to the flat where I pay all the electric, gas and rent because he's on a zero hour contract and refuses to even try to get a better job. I was learning to drive before I fell pregnant and don't plan on getting a car until after I have our daughter. We got in a genuine argument over whether I should contribute to petrol or not. He doesn't ask his friends or his family to pay if they go out so why should I? AIBU?

His parents paid for his car and the insurance, you pay for all food, gas, electric, rent and fags and now he wants petrol money off you, and refuses to try and get a better or at least a different job with guaranteed hours?

You get stroppy when he is rightly called a cocklodger but will you be happy for your unborn daughter to end up with someone like him in 20 years? I'd be devastated at my kid throwing her life away on a loser.

Hes a freeloader, but keep hold of him, don't cut him loose, he'll just end up poncing off some other woman and creating more kids.

I don't blame you for getting a bit peed off OP, but people are genuinely shocked when they hear what we put up with! I think that's why you've had such aggressive responses. It touched a nerve with me because it was at the centre of my relationship with my ex, which was in the end a very negative experience. It made me feel used I guess.

I totally agree sheba if he's asking for pennies for you to run you to the supermarket, to get him stuff, how the hell is he going to treat you, when your child us born.

A straight yes or no answer? Ok, yes YABU. You already pay for everything. This is normal in your relationship. He treats you very badly. He doesn't treat others like that. You accept it. This is what your relationship is like and you are both happy with it. You pay for his cigarettes which are a massive waste of money. Suck it up OP and pay for his petrol.

If you are not willing to take on any advice, to remove your problem either pay for all his petrol or pay ocado, it's one or the other.

If you are working and he is zero hours then why hasn't he already been the supermarket anyway? Dammit I've veered off course again skulks off

We can 'read properly' Op.

That said it would help tremendously if you could use a helpful paragraph here and there.

Sorry you are upset by the honest answers. You gave a snippet of your set up in AIBU and the answers are just honest feelings from posters regarding this man you dearly love.

I doubt his respect for you as he charges you for YOUR trips to the supermarket etc to fill YOUR fridge. But then as you say you are happy to provide all this food FOC fags FOC etc.

Shame you have to pay for a lift.

Perhaps he will reduce the fare for his 'taxi service' when your DC arrives.

Hope so

Best of luck

I agree with Pseudo.

If your organisation is the one where he is the SAHP of a yound baby, then you need to serioulsy discuss that, agree on it (ie for both of you what is actually involved and your responsibilities).

Then yes you should pay for the petrol and the cigarettes but he is also suposed to do all the HW etc...
What you don't want is him saying he can't do any childcare because he doesn't know when/if he will get work, not have any resposnibility finacially but at the same time no responsibility re his child (ie getting up int enight, looking after his child during the day and having childcare arrange 'just in case' etc...)

The thing is, you WERE NOT happy that he asked for the petrol money in the first place. Is it because in some ways you have been feeling taken for granted? What is it that made your unhappy about him asking? That is the question you need to answer.

Op, that's how aibu works, the answer can be yes. You don't need to flounce off over it.

Oh and also, if it's the other way round and the man is working and paying all the bills, mortgage etc, it's usually because the woman is a sahm and is looking after children. Your baby isn't born yet, so what is he doing?

One thing that might focus your mind op...

In a year or two, when you have your dd, and your cocklodger dp hasn't stepped up, and you're finally ready to kick him into touch, what do you think will happen?

He'll be the default primary carer of your dd, so in order to leave you'll probably have to relinquish custody (or accept 50/50 at best) of her AND pay him maintenance for the privilege.

Listen to these ladies who know what they're talking about, and see this mahoosive red flag of not giving a shit about you for what it is.

What are you plans for childcare OP? Is he going to give up work completely and be the SAHP or is your child going to go to nursery? It would be easier to help you if you would engage with posters on your thread.

I would say that there is quite a lot of victim blaming though.

It's not victim blaming. The OP is fully aware of what her dp is and expectations.

Op you can't choose who fall in love with, you can choose what you are willing to put up with. If you pay for everything and he keeps his own money and you are ok with that, crack on and give him money for petrol that he uses for driving you around. You asked if ywbu, you got answered.

But manage your expectations of your dp. He will not change when you have a baby and he is at home all day. It would be normal to ensure your dp has access to their own cash as well when thy are sahm. So please ensure you worked that into your budget too.

Won't post again? Oh but you will, in a years time, complaining that he does nothing at all for his child, and how surprised you are.

If you are so deluded you think this man is a good catch, good luck. You're going to need it.

AIBU is a simple yes or no you ask .... Well the answer is a Massive NO it is NOt acceptable ....

The phrase 'victim blaming' is becoming overused on mn. People are forgetting what a real victim is.

OP is not a victim, she is a financially independent woman who is choosing to live with the man she loves and to provide for him. She has the means to walk away if she wants to.

She is not legally tied to this man or reliant on him for anything. She is happy to pay for everything and is just annoyed with him for asking for petrol money.

Many, many posters would not want to live like this but OP does and that is her choice.

If she was that happy with it she wouldn't be posting in aibu about t.

She's only unhappy about the petrol which is why it's AIBU. If she was unhappy with the relationship she would have posted about in Relationships.

yeah, because people are always rational like that.

Try reading the OP again. She comments on the fact that he drives a car bought by daddy and insured by mummy. She comments that she buys all the food shopping and his fags, all the rent and bills, because he "refuses to try and get a better job". She comments that its only her that is supposed to pay him for petrol, while everyone else gets a free ride.

If you think that OP is from someone totally happy with their relationship, you're as naive as she is!

I have read it all.

OP is happy with it.

The fact that his dad bought him a car and his mum insures it does not make her unhappy.

The fact that she buys all the food shopping, fags, rent and bills does not make her unhappy.

The only thing she is unhappy about is that he charges her for petrol and not others.

OP has even gone so far as to have a baby with a man who 'refuses to try and get a better job' so she is definitely ok with that too.

Or, she will wake up, see what the rest of us see and leave him.

All she has done on this thread is defend his behaviour, so it's obvioulsy ok for her. Not for you Constance, for me or probably any other poster on this thread, but she is happy to accept this. That much is clear,

What more can posters say? She doesn't want to hear. He is the love of her life. She has chosen him and intends to have a child with him. She is not a victim.

OP, do you see yourself as a victim?
Helpless and eternally hopeful that Something Will Change without you doing anything to facilitate that change?
Shall we pray for you?

Although I think it would make sense ifthe OP's partner did the shopping whilst the op was as work. As far as I am aware it doesn't take two people to do a supermarket shop.

Interesting he has gone from refusing to get a better job to can't get a better job.

You can live how you want to live...What I don't understand is why he doesn't even buy his own fags..I understand work is variable when on zero hours contract...Why doesn't he on a good week buy his own fags, save so he can get a pack when he wants one..

If is was a woman planning a baby , I would not see a reason why she couldn't contribute until she as unable to work ( bearing in mind she is carrying the baby so a point when she is unable to work)

This thread reminded me of Katie Price who said everytime she meets someone they have so much money , they don't need to work and it makes her difficult to meet someone on equal terms.

The difference between the examples you gave were both wanted to do something different. I don't believe the man has to be the higher earner however he should be working regular hours. If by saying he is on a zero hours contract he is rarely getting work he is technically unemployed and needs to be looking for a job..

As has been said upthread it isn't about a 50/50 split however yes he should contribute on the weeks he works or at least support himself.

I wish you luck .. like others I don't think you want to hear any of this.. I can say I can remember a thread on here and really resenting the responses and looking back about 2 years later I can see exactly what people were saying.. I think you will feel the same at some point in the future. I do think MN can be very quick to quit the relationship but I would think at the moment you would be better off if he returned to his mum to support.

You are enabling him ..You can support him if you want the most worrying comment you have made is you buy his fags because of his mood if you don't...That is his problem to manage.

If you are happy paying all your partners expenses, you are happy paying their expenses. It doesn't matter if he charges other people, really.

The OP heavily implied that she isn't happy. She has however said that's not the case. I personally think she planned a baby with him assuming he would change and is starting to realise that's not the case so is flip flopping between it being ok and not OK.

What she may not realise is that if he is the sahp and she gets fed up and they split that he has a much better chance of being the RP.

However she isn't a victim. She knew he didn't want to get a better job, expected her to fund him and that he lets his parents fund him. She made a decision to have a baby and is making the decision to stay with him and continue this lifestyle. She has they means to live alone (it would be cheaper). She isn't stuck and she isn't a victim.

He is now an adult so it's no use blaming his Mother. He makes his own choices and he's not even trying to better his earning potential.

How is that going to work if you ever lose your job!?